Kind of new to all this...

[LdyOnyx]

First let me say that I've enjoyed reading the stories and poems posted...I've just regeistered with Literotica, and I'm having a blast! I'd like some "honest" feedback on my recent work. Let me know what you think...

thanks

LdyOnyx

Poems include:
"The Seductress"
"The Perfect Medicine"

 

[WickedEve]

Hi. Welcome! Here are the links to LdyOnyx's poems:
The Perfect Medicine
Seductress
Now I'll go read them.

 

[WickedEve]

Here's just a suggestion -- a suggestion only.

Your kiss is fire on my skin.
Heat creeps from my lips
to the nape of my neck.
Chills pulsate the length of my spine
as wondering fingertips play
a Sonata upon my body.

My hips, your thrusts
in perfect harmony.
Glistening beads cover me.
Our rhythm desperate
as we reach the climax.
Your body electrifies mine
touching every nerve of my being.

And then you rock me...

Thoughts crowding my tangled mind dissipate
and in your arms, I am oblivious to pain.

original:
Your fire is hot on my skin...Oh, i feel the burning heat of your kiss creep from my lips to the nip of my neck...

Pulsating chills crawl up and down the length of my spine as your wondering finger-tips play a Sonata upon my body...

My hips in perfect harmony to your constant thrusts. Beads of glistening sweat cover me. Our rhythm becomes desperate as we reach the climax. Electricity transfers from your body to mine touching every nerve of my being...


And than...you rock me...

All the thoughts that crowded my tangled mind dissipate and in your arms, I am oblivious to pain

 

[WickedEve]

I was just reading Seductress and a few things really jumped out at me.

"She stocks her pray
with an insatiable appetite."
I think you meant to say, "She stalks her prey."
Stocks her pray kind of means that she's storing away prayers.

"soft as pedals kissed by the morning dew" Pedals are on a bike and petals are part of a flower.

So, I would suggest proof reading before submitting a poem. (Hey, I've had my share of typos. )

 

[LdyOnyx]

Usually I spell check, but in this case, it wouldn't have caught it anyways. I always enjoy some critizism, so thanks for your imput...Most of my poetry I usually write for my eyes only, so I don't always catch my misstakes..
again, my thanks...

LdyOnyx

...Also, could you tell me how to paste my links. I'm having trouble with that also...

 

[WickedEve]

The easiest way to see how to post a link is to click on quote on the post where I have your links. When the next screen opens, you'll see how I did it.

As for poetry, keep working on it. I understand about writing things that are for the writer's eyes only. But when you put a poem out there for everyone to read, you want to proofread or ask one of us on the board to check it. Sometimes, you miss your own mistakes. It can be easier for someone else to see them.
I think both poems are off to a good start. Just remember most poetry needs, at least, one revision -- usually more.

 

[LdyOnyx]

Most of my poetry is non erotic..I've just submitted 3 more...Can I run them through you??

LdyOnyx

 

[WickedEve]

I just got your PM. I'll check them out now.

 

[Angeline]

Your Poems

Hi LadyOnyx and welcome to the poetry board! You will find lots of folks here willing to share ideas and writing with you. Glad you've liked what you've read thus far. I hang out here--well way too much lol--and would be happy to give you some feedback if you want to post new poems here (best method IMHO) or pm them to me. I love to write poetry myself and I'm a former English teacher, so I'll try to give you some specific feedback.

And Eve? Stop snarfing up all the new poets to the board for yourself, hehehehe.

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Your Poems

Hi LadyOnyx and welcome to the poetry board! You will find lots of folks here willing to share ideas and writing with you. Glad you've liked what you've read thus far. I hang out here--well way too much lol--and would be happy to give you some feedback if you want to post new poems here (best method IMHO) or pm them to me. I love to write poetry myself and I'm a former English teacher, so I'll try to give you some specific feedback.

And Eve? Stop snarfing up all the new poets to the board for yourself, hehehehe.

Yes, I snarfed her up and she was delicious!
I did suggest that she post one poem in particular for feedback before submitting it. Actually, she could do all them. With all of us giving her ideas, she can use or lose what she wants.

snarf, snarf, snarf, snarf!

 

[Angeline]

With all of us giving her ideas, she can use or lose what she wants.

Good idea O Wicked One.

 

[HomerPindar]

I just checked out "The Seductress" and was curious about the line length..

You broke up the stanzas, and that makes sense, each stanza covers a different aspect. good use of form. but he second stanza has that one long line... somehow I don't think you intend to suggest her lips are a bigger part of her than her skin likewise other stanzas become shorter as you go...

While I don't really think you're associating stanza content with emphisis, it does have an affect none the less. In this case it's in the rhythm of the piece. Perhaps speeding up the lines towards the end of the poem could have the desired affect ~ climax, but the variable length keeps shifting the rhythm difuses that possiblity.

Mind you, meter is something else all together...I suck at meter

HomerPindar