BodaciousTease
Virgin
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2002
- Posts
- 15
[url]http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?d=56182 [/url] KillerMuffin's Aimee Ch. 2
There is an ebb and flow to most longer stories so finding this one at a lower pitch didn't really bother me. As a stand alone, however, it was significantly less exciting.
I gave this chapter a vote of 4. More on the good will of what you built in Chapter 1 and the promise of what might come in the future. It's really hard, if not unfair to vote on it any other way I felt. Clearly this story is well crafted and head and shoulders above most others. Well done on all counts. You write better than I can, no doubt about it.
To be picky, for the sake of criticism and in the hope that this might shed light on an area you might improve in the future I offer these comments:
Technically, as always, you are near perfection. I did have significant problems with speaker attributes when Tanto confronted the father with Aimee and Christine in the room. You seem to understand the minimalist approach to attributes but, in this case, you might have gone too far. Some of dialogue was not self evident and I was shaken from the fictional dream more than a half dozen times.
In one case you wrote:
"Oh my God, Daddy, put some pants on!" Joe had forgotten about Christine.
Is Joe suddenly calling her father daddy? The beat threw me. Maybe it should be in the next paragraph. Does daddy not have pants on? Who doesn't have pants on? Oh yeah, I guess Aimee is buck naked. So why just pants? Is Aimee saying this? No, it can't be Aimee it must be Christine but who is she talking to? Is it daddy or Aimee? This whole line was like a brick wall and the story came to a screeching stop as I tried to work it out.
--I can give more specific instances if you want them.
It would be my suggestion that if more than two people are exchanging, you need to put in the Joe said, Chistine said type suff. Those attributes read invisibly enough for he most part.
Now to the area of character development and probably the hardest of anything to do and do well. This is also very subjective, as might everything else, but this is more so. So take my comments for what they are -- just one opinion that you can agree with or toss away. I‘m a little disappointed in the believability of the characters during this chapter. Joe's sudden and complete transformation for Aimee affection is stretching it. Also the line "It took the better part of the day and several thousand dollars worth of palm grease to find her" I found that to be overkill for the writer -- almost campy.
I groaned again when I read this exchange: " ‘Just in case you think you can ignore me, think about a few names. Global Energy Dynamics. Synergistics. Evan Glass.'
The old man paled. ‘I don't know what you're–‘ "
I mean if Joe really had significant dirt on the "old man", he wouldn't need to do the Breaking and Entering along with the Assault with a Deadly Weapon bit. Again it looked campy and much too easy as a writer's trick -- you are better than that. I know you are!
Just how dense is Princess Chrissy? Why is she not shocked by the fading bruises on Aimee? I know it's a few months later, but are there no more new bruises? Maybe not. I guess we will have to see as the following chapters emerge. The dense Princess Chrissy is passable -- but just barely.
Personally I would like to see Joe, more vulnerable, and a little less sure that her father isn't going to crush him. The Breaking and Entering along with the Assault with a Deadly Weapon bit is an act of someone whom doesn't have a lot of cards to play. I would buy that more.
The sex part was okey, I sort of got the feeling it was there to satisfy the requirement for sex and I didn't feel your heart in it -- again just my perception.
I liked how the chapter ended. The hook with Aimee on the phone to her dad was great! I'm curious how you are going to play out the masochistic tendencies whether you will play to the BDSM boys or go for a more dramatic angle. If you go for the latter, you know, of course, it will utterly kill any hope for a high hot masturbation meter reading -- except for those real sickos out there. If you go for the former . . . well, I suppose this isn't really high art, is it? -- just erotica.
I'm still with you -- waiting with baited breath for the next chapter.
Bodacious Tease
PS
All this presupposed the highest expectations for the best authors. I know you are good -- a damn good writer and I know you can do even better. If I didn't think so i wouldn't have looked so critically.
There is an ebb and flow to most longer stories so finding this one at a lower pitch didn't really bother me. As a stand alone, however, it was significantly less exciting.
I gave this chapter a vote of 4. More on the good will of what you built in Chapter 1 and the promise of what might come in the future. It's really hard, if not unfair to vote on it any other way I felt. Clearly this story is well crafted and head and shoulders above most others. Well done on all counts. You write better than I can, no doubt about it.
To be picky, for the sake of criticism and in the hope that this might shed light on an area you might improve in the future I offer these comments:
Technically, as always, you are near perfection. I did have significant problems with speaker attributes when Tanto confronted the father with Aimee and Christine in the room. You seem to understand the minimalist approach to attributes but, in this case, you might have gone too far. Some of dialogue was not self evident and I was shaken from the fictional dream more than a half dozen times.
In one case you wrote:
"Oh my God, Daddy, put some pants on!" Joe had forgotten about Christine.
Is Joe suddenly calling her father daddy? The beat threw me. Maybe it should be in the next paragraph. Does daddy not have pants on? Who doesn't have pants on? Oh yeah, I guess Aimee is buck naked. So why just pants? Is Aimee saying this? No, it can't be Aimee it must be Christine but who is she talking to? Is it daddy or Aimee? This whole line was like a brick wall and the story came to a screeching stop as I tried to work it out.
--I can give more specific instances if you want them.
It would be my suggestion that if more than two people are exchanging, you need to put in the Joe said, Chistine said type suff. Those attributes read invisibly enough for he most part.
Now to the area of character development and probably the hardest of anything to do and do well. This is also very subjective, as might everything else, but this is more so. So take my comments for what they are -- just one opinion that you can agree with or toss away. I‘m a little disappointed in the believability of the characters during this chapter. Joe's sudden and complete transformation for Aimee affection is stretching it. Also the line "It took the better part of the day and several thousand dollars worth of palm grease to find her" I found that to be overkill for the writer -- almost campy.
I groaned again when I read this exchange: " ‘Just in case you think you can ignore me, think about a few names. Global Energy Dynamics. Synergistics. Evan Glass.'
The old man paled. ‘I don't know what you're–‘ "
I mean if Joe really had significant dirt on the "old man", he wouldn't need to do the Breaking and Entering along with the Assault with a Deadly Weapon bit. Again it looked campy and much too easy as a writer's trick -- you are better than that. I know you are!
Just how dense is Princess Chrissy? Why is she not shocked by the fading bruises on Aimee? I know it's a few months later, but are there no more new bruises? Maybe not. I guess we will have to see as the following chapters emerge. The dense Princess Chrissy is passable -- but just barely.
Personally I would like to see Joe, more vulnerable, and a little less sure that her father isn't going to crush him. The Breaking and Entering along with the Assault with a Deadly Weapon bit is an act of someone whom doesn't have a lot of cards to play. I would buy that more.
The sex part was okey, I sort of got the feeling it was there to satisfy the requirement for sex and I didn't feel your heart in it -- again just my perception.
I liked how the chapter ended. The hook with Aimee on the phone to her dad was great! I'm curious how you are going to play out the masochistic tendencies whether you will play to the BDSM boys or go for a more dramatic angle. If you go for the latter, you know, of course, it will utterly kill any hope for a high hot masturbation meter reading -- except for those real sickos out there. If you go for the former . . . well, I suppose this isn't really high art, is it? -- just erotica.
I'm still with you -- waiting with baited breath for the next chapter.
Bodacious Tease
PS
All this presupposed the highest expectations for the best authors. I know you are good -- a damn good writer and I know you can do even better. If I didn't think so i wouldn't have looked so critically.
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