Karmadog, this is your life.

[smithpeter]

I start this thread as a sort of rolling interview. I hope readers will post questions to you.
I hope you will answer those questions as time allows. You could also use this space to relate what happened at the bars last night.
I, for one, think it would be interesting to see what happens when a Literotica Regular (or Irr) is pummeled with inquisition.

My questions:
Do you own an automobile?
What color is it?
Does your dog walk itself?
Do you think Canada would be an interesting place to visit?
Portugal?
Have you ever met a real nice woman while hitting the bars and then written a poem about her that she never got to see?

 

[stargirl32]

questions. questions questions ,,,, ok i know>??

Do you ever feel as if your head is going to explode if you dont get the thoughts out ..?

what makes you really mad?


do you wish you could have a super power? if so what would it be?

whats the worst thing you have ever written ,, and did you keep it or throw it away ?


whats the last thing you do before turning the lights of at night ?


is waking up with a raging hangover the norm?

umm if i think of anymore ill post later ,, lol
snuggles from star xxxxx

 

[lickmyboot]

more probing...

If you do own the aforequeried automobile, do you sing along with the radio?

Do you dance at Carnival?

What color is your ocean?

Do you ever dream of seamonkies?

If I walked through your door right now, how would you greet me?

Are you a good dog or a bad dog?

 

[Angeline]

Yeah and and

who are your favorite writers?


what do you drink at these bars and do you dance while there?

what makes you really happy/sad/angry?

who's your favorite Beatle?

coke or pepsi?


and um

why is the sky blue?

 

[karmadog]

Do you own an automobile?

Yes, I do. While I would like to have a VW bus with an enormous orgy painted on the side in swirly psychedelic style, I don't. I have a station wagon. The babes love it.

What color is it?

The color of beaujoalis nouveau.

Does your dog walk itself?

I don't have to carry her, if that's what you mean.

Do you think Canada would be an interesting place to visit? Portugal?

Are you kidding? Canada is one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen! It's cities are so clean. As though populated exclusively by sanitation engineers. Plus there's hockey. Portugal? Absolutely. Almost anywhere would be interesting to visit except Tulsa. And Peoria. Oh, and Los Angeles. And... OK, I don't like to travel.

Have you ever met a real nice woman while hitting the bars and then written a poem that she never got to see?

Yeah, but I wrote it on a cocktail napkin and the bathroom was out of toilet paper.

Do you ever feel like your head is going to explode if you don't get the thoughts out?

No, but I frequently fear that it might implode if I don't get some thoughts in.

What makes you really mad?

What doesn't?

Do you wish you could have a superpower? If so what would it be?

Superaccounting. Enron's of the world beware!

What's the worst thing you have ever written? Did you keep it or throw it away?

I wrote this story about a guy who dates a 25 yr old virgin who tries to get him to take it, but he doesn't because he doesn't love her. It was so poorly written it was embarassing, but I showed it to a female friend, who then showed it to a bunch of her friends. Apparently, they confused the character with the author, because I started getting big doe-eyes from all of them. I got a lot of play. What they didn't know was that it was based (loosely) on a true story, and I did everything I could to get in her pants, but her legs were superglued together. I might have to try to write another version of that story. I'm tired of circus midgets, bearded ladies, and slow girls.

What's the last thing you do before turning the lights off at night?

I never turn the lights off. It's too scary.

Is waking up with a raging hangover the norm?

Of course not. I already have a superpower. I have superhepatic function. My liver sticks out like a hunchback, except it ripples with muscle. The only time I get into trouble is when I have too much water the night before.

Do you sing along with the radio?

Sometimes. When I do, I make sure that the windows are rolled down. The world should not be deprived of karmadog doing the entire Neil Diamond songbook.

Do you dance at Carnival?

Well, it's Mardi Gras around here, and only if my superhepatic powers fail me.

My first Mardi Gras, I started getting pissed off at these people who kept throwing plastic at me (might have had something to do with the fact that it was dark in the PortaJohn, and I got scared and rushed out into the street without putting certain things back), and I started throwing things back. They hate that, the float-riding freaks.

What color is your ocean?

My ocean is the Indian ocean. I bought it several years ago for a handful of plastic Mardi Gras beads and five doubloons. The color varies by season and depth.

The ocean that is outside my window is sort of brown when you get close.

Do you ever dream of seamonkies?

Yeah, but not the ones in the add with crowns and stuff, but the ones that look like yeast.

If I walked through your door right now, how would you greet me?

Naked with an axe handle. Take that how you like, but keep in mind I'm not expecting anyone.

Are you a good dog or a bad dog?

Well, I bark at strangers (good dog), dig a lot of holes (bad dog), pee outdoors (good dog), bite bad people (both), poke my nose in crotches (bad dog), I frequently jump up on people (bad dog), and eat people food (bad dog).

Oh man, I'm a bad dog! I feel like a good dog, but I'm a bad dog. I gotta call my analyst.

All of this is true except for the superhepatic liver. But then, I'm a liar (bad dog).

 

[karmadog]

I gotta learn to type faster.

Who are your favorite writers?

Henry Miller, Patrick O'Brian, Cormac McCarthy, Ernest Hemingway, Maurice Sendak, and PJ O'Rourke (although I frequently disagree with him).

What do you drink at these bars and do you dance there?

I'm German, French, and Irish, so I drink beer, schnapps, wine, brandy, more beer, and whiskey. Dance? I don't even stumble.

What makes you really happy/sad/angry?

That's a tough combination to feel all at once, but it happens every four years. I'll leave it up to you to figure it out. (hint: NOT the world cup or the olympics)

Who's your favorite Beetle?

Any of the dead ones.

Coke or Pepsi?

Pepsi stings my nose.

Why is the sky blue?

If it was green you wouldn't know when to stop mowing.

 

[WickedEve]

Do you bite?
Do you dig holes?
Do you lick yourself?
Do you chase your tail?

If you answer yes to these, then I bet you're fun date!

 

[karmadog]

Do you bite?

Yes, but, to use a bird dog term, I have a soft mouth.

Do you dig holes?

Yep. I also dig beer, chicks, and Rock and Roll. I gave up the drugs.

Do you lick yourself?

Regrettably, I was hit by a car some years ago (I'll never chase one of those again), and I've lost some flexibility because of that.

But I would if I could. Who wouldn't? But then you wouldn't get anymore of those bar stories.

Do you chase your tail?

Naw, I've got circus freaks to chase it for me. One day I'll have to let someone catch it. Maybe tonight.

I am a fun date--a cheap date, but still fun.

Once upon a time, I was out with a real pretty girl, funny, sexy, horny. We were having a blast at that stage where you know you're going to sleep together and the conversation turns to sexual matters. All of a sudden she pops out with, "I'd never sleep with a guy who slept with a black girl."

I was shocked. She hadn't sounded like a bigot prior to that, but I have my convictions. In the morning, I asked her if she'd had a good time. She said oh yes, where did you learn to do that? I said from a black girl (Actually, I said the girls name. She knew her). "Aren't you glad I slept with her so I could show it to you?"

It got ugly. She actually called me a nigger lover and threatened me with her brother (not much of a threat. I'd seen him when I picked her up.)

Anyhow, she told everybody in town that I was NOT fun. He he he. It was worth it.

 

[nakedangelina]

Questions...

This is fun, WE, could we do you next???

Karmadog:

What type of bar is it that you find these women?? Country, Retro, Swingers...

How long was the longest serious reationship (with a woman) that you had?

How long have you had your dog?

If you had 24 hours to do anything you wanted, everything was at your disposal, what would you do? Where would you go? Would you fly, drive, boat?

Who would you take with you on the fantasy trip?

What are you drinking right now?

Have you bathed today?

Do you like pussy cats?

 

[smithpeter]

It got ugly. She actually called me a nigger lover and threatened me with her brother (not much of a threat. I'd seen him when I picked her up.)

You can pitch a tent in my camp any time, you dog.
But, what about space?
I really wonder how many people have traveled into space since the early programs.
There was Allan Shepherd and John Glenn and most recently Wicked Eve. How many of these pioneers do you think have ejaculated in the weightless condition?

 

[karmadog]

What type of bar is it that you find these women?? Country, Retro, Swingers...

I prefer neighborhood type joints. Lots of regulars, but appealing enough to draw outsiders, as well. I don't exactly live in a big city, so there aren't really that many types of bar to choose from. Although there is a swingers club. I was offered a job there once, but couldn't imagine working in an environment like that. Regular bars are bad enough.

How long was the longest serious reationship (with a woman) that you had?

Nearly four years, but that accounts for fewer than 1% of my relationships. If you count one-nighters, weekenders, booty calls, and fuckbuddies.

How long have you had your dog?

Six years, almost to the day. When the ex and I split up, there was a nasty custody battle that resulted in the poor beast having to spend weekends with the moms. Breakups are hard on the young 'uns and she cried whenever she was seperated from me, so I soon had full custody. One day I'm going to write Karma's full story, but I'll have to change the facts, truth being stranger than fiction can support.

If you had 24 hours to do anything you wanted, everything was at your disposal, what would you do? Where would you go? Would you fly, drive, boat?

I would go to the Calvados region of France (with my dog) for a walking tour of the apple orchards and the distilleries. Have you ever tasted Calvados? MMmmmm. Finest apple brandy in the world. Then on to a fine meal. Nothing fancy, but well made.

Who would you take with you on the fantasy trip?

Besides my dog? What are you doing?

What are you drinking right now?

Have I given the impression that I am a drunk? I guess I have. Negra Modelo beer. I mentioned it on another thread and caught a craving. Most days I drink large quantities of water flavored with rohypnol. My neighbors are always taking advantage of me.

Have you bathed today?

It's ninety degrees with about 78% humidity, I mowed my lawn and trimmed the hedges, and weedwhacked around the fence. If I hadn't, I would shed so much plant matter and dirt into the keyboard that I would never be able to use it again.

Do you like pussy cats?

Apparently people think I do. They keep throwing kittens in my yard. But it's starting to piss me off. The people that own the chinese restaurant won't give me their recipes, and when use them as chicken substitute, they just turn out tough.

And, yes, let's do Eve next.

 

[karmadog]

You know, this was sort of painful, but I still enjoyed it. Even though you never asked the ultimate question. (Hint: nothing to do with God)

By the way: Eve, can we do you next?

 

[stargirl32]

You know, this was sort of painful, but I still enjoyed it. Even though you never asked the ultimate question. (Hint: nothing to do with God)

By the way: Eve, can we do you next?

* getting down on my knees*

will you marry me?


xxxxx grin

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Just a few more questions:

What kind of music do you listen to when you're not at those bars?

Do you sing in the shower?

Do you listen to music and/or sing before/during/after sex?

Did you ever use that walking-the-dog-to-the-park excuse to pick up chicks? Did it work?

Did you see the thread a very good friend of mine left for you in "Story Feedback"?

What do you feed your dog?

What is the meaning of life?

Condom: Yea or Nay?

 

[karmadog]

Stargirl, marriage wasn't what I had in mind, but while you're on your knees... Let's just have a honeymoon.

What kind of music do you listen to when you're not at those bars?

Mostly jazz, Sinatra, Miles, Thelonius, Tony Bennett, and punkish kinds of things.

Do you sing in the shower?

Oh yeah, but my dog hates it. She does not care for music. Although sometimes when she dreams she moves the toes on her front paws as though she were playing the piano. Or typing.

Do you listen to music and/or sing before/during/after sex?

Whatever you prefer.

Did you ever use that walking-the-dog-to-the-park excuse to pick up chicks? Did it work?

Yes. And are you kidding? That dog is a babe magnet.

Did you see the thread a very good friend of mine left for you in "Story Feedback"?

No. Thanks for pointing that out. I appreciate it.

What do you feed your dog?

Kibble, and she always gets a little bit of what I'm having although the vet says that I shouldn't because she'll get fat. Not a chance. She's a light eater.

What is the meaning of life?

I don't know, but I think it has something to do with Cheez Whiz and leather chaps
Condom: Yea or Nay?

Not just 'Yea', but hip hip hooray!!!! Like all men, I'd rather not need them, but the dog don't want no babies. EVER. My nephew is plenty for me. And I'll be more than happy to leave my vast estate to him. (No diseases either. I've never had one of any kind and I credit the wondrous, even miraculous, healing and protective powers of latex

 

[Lauren Hynde]

That'll do, doggy

 

[stargirl32]

Stargirl, marriage wasn't what I had in mind, but while you're on your knees... Let's just have a honeymoon.

umm will it get me more mentions in the best titles list? ( pulling out personalized knee pads)

 

[smithpeter]

dog,
I know you were pr0bably n0t the first person to say that the title is the first line of a poem, but you inspired me.
have you ever tried to infect a community?
I think you probably have without thinking…lol
anyway, I feel change,
do you?
something spooky is happening around here.
do you feel it?



Donovan said

"gotta pick up
every stitch"

"rabbits running in the ditch"

look out

make a quilt of madness
hide under it
make a quilt of blue slumber
forget your eye protection
make fall really fall

Where is October when you really need it?

 

[Angeline]

That's what we need

October. October almost always makes things better. I guess the point in October varies--around me it's about October 10th. Then again if you live on say, Guam, I guess it doesn't matter.

Karmadog honey sweetie baby. Don't think you're getting off the hook, er, collar whatever so easy.

1. What is the best thing that ever happened to you? (besides sex stuff)?

2. What was your favorite Halloween costume when you were a kid?

3. Are you left-handed?

4. What most attracts you to a woman? (besides y'know like hooters and good legs)

5. I love the way you write. I thought your chapter of The Talisman showed craft and an exquisite touch with language (hey, it's your thread--you might as well get a compliment out of it). Are you published in the real world? (just asking for a simple y or n)

And Kdog? Thanks for the freakin good titles. I really like that there's a thread on this board whose sole purpose is to make us smile.

 

[beths-virtue]

Re: That's what we need

October. October almost always makes things better. I guess the point in October varies--around me it's about October 10th. Then again if you live on say, Guam, I guess it doesn't matter.

GEE , and i thought it was october 4th... <<< bonne anniversaire Beth! >>>> that made the world better... but then , hey, i always have believed the world revolved around me , and none of that scientific jargon can mess that up

but then i have a partiality to the 31st as well either way , yes october makes the world so much better,
query for the dog-man

1 how many dogs have you owned?
2, if you marinate the kittens , do they taste better?

 

[karmadog]

I thought I was safe from this stuff, but I guess my ego is so huge that I have to answer questions no matter what.

sp, I'll freely admit my ignorance of Donovan's lyrics. Did you write the stuff that came after the quote? It sounds like you.

Where is October when you really need it?

I could say something cheesy like, 'After September every time' or 'October is always on the way', but I won't. Strangely, Oct has meaning for me this year. It looks like I'm going to a U of M game in Oct. It'll be either Penn St. or Iowa. So for me, Oct doesn't come soon enough. But then, it never does.

have you ever tried to infect a community?

I almost forgot this one. No, but I've tried to impregnate a community. That was part of the reason I moved to the South. I was bartending one night, and I realized that I had slept with fifteen of the women sitting at my bar.

Seriously, sometimes I think there are some titles that are forced in an attempt to make the board. I might be vain, but I think I'm going to quit doing the title thread because of it. Plus, it's more than served it's purpose, and also, I'm getting a little stale comedy-wise.

1. What is the best thing that ever happened to you? (besides sex stuff)?

First, the honey sweety baby stuff has me stiff. But I can't use sex stuff as the best thing that ever happened to me so...

I was hit by a car when I was, oh... nine or ten. I walked out of the road under my own power despite the fact that I was hit by a Buick going 35 or 40. I have always felt grateful to be alive since then. Another kid was killed at the same intersection a month later. (That's the end of me being serious.)

2. What was your favorite Halloween costume when you were a kid?

Whatever obstructed my vision. I liked to live on the edge. God, I'm such a boring square now. Last year, I wore black jeans and a white t-shirt that read (in black letters) 'COSTUME', in black permanent marker. The fumes from the marker gave me such a headache.

3. Are you left-handed?

No, but I'm left-footed. I can't dance on my own feet.

4. What most attracts you to a woman? (besides y'know like hooters and good legs)

Uhm, brown hair and a love of Lester Young? (Plus Good legs and a cute ass. I'm not so much a breast man. I used to date a girl with 42EEE's. Sex should not be a workout.)

5. I love the way you write. I thought your chapter of The Talisman showed craft and an exquisite touch with language (hey, it's your thread--you might as well get a compliment out of it). Are you published in the real world? (just asking for a simple y or n)

Yes and no. I have no fiction published. I am starting to get good rejections though. (What a sad business when a good rejection is cause for celebration) I do have some reviews and essays published (newspaper, e-paper, and toilet paper). When I do get fiction published, it will be under the last name 'Ecks'. I would use 'X' because I am Malcolm's illegitimate son, but I am just so damn white, no one would believe it.

BTW, Ange, that's the nicest thing that anyone has ever said about my writing. I'll assume that that is a poet's hyperbole, but thank you so much. You've written poetry that expressed how I feel about jazz. You know--lines I wish I could have written.

1 how many dogs have you owned?

None. I don't believe that anyone can own a dog. Besides, I am Karma's bitch. That's how the screen name came to be.

2, if you marinate the kittens , do they taste better?

Yes. Jamaican jerk is the best way to go, but you have to make it a little hotter than traditional. Or at least to my taste you do.

beths-virtue, is it your birthday? Well if it is, Happy Birthday! If it's not, Happy Birthday! Consider yourself well spanked either way.

edited for stupidity only.

 

[Angeline]

Hyperbole?

Perhaps. I've been known to exaggerate out of pure love for words. But I was very moved when I read that chapter. Maybe I hang around Literotica reading too much, but it's a rare writer, in my book anyway, who can handle very graphic content with such delicacy.

Actually, my hair is black, not brown. Further details I ain't providing, but I can ambulate without props.

 

[JUDO]

Originally posted by karmadog 4. What most attracts you to a woman? (besides y'know like hooters and good legs)

Uhm, brown hair and a love of Lester Young? (Plus Good legs and a cute ass. I'm not so much a breast man. I used to date a girl with 42EEE's. Sex should
not be a workout.)

(* snicker *) Now, that's funny.


- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I think you're still elluding the really important question:

In the morning, I asked her if she'd had a good time. She said oh yes, where did you learn to do that? I said from a black girl (Actually, I said the girls name. She knew her). "Aren't you glad I slept with her so I could show it to you?"

What exactly did she teach you?

 

[Harley_Quinn_1999]

Originally posted by Lauren Hynde:

Just a few more questions:

What kind of music do you listen to when you're not at those bars?

I go to karaoke bars and since I'm going to be completely humiliating Myself I'll drink any and everything I can get My hands on. I go there because I don't think that there's enough suffering in the world, so it's My job to make people pay pennence by listening to Me sing.

Do you sing in the shower?

I got tired of having to go out to the karaoke bars and just opened one up in My bathroom. It's usually standing room only, since seating is limited to 1. LOL

Do you listen to music and/or sing before/during/after sex?

Yes, I do. It helps to set the pace. NOTE: for anyone wanting to try this though.... DON'T start with polka unless you have a certified physician on hand.

Did you ever use that walking-the-dog-to-the-park excuse to pick up chicks? Did it work?

It worked ok until I forgot that the dog really DID have to go and peed on her leg. Damn MY luck, she wasn't into watersports. LOL!

What do you feed your dog?

Mailmen

What is the meaning of life?

Life n. A breakfast cereal made famous by Mikey. "He likes it! Mikey likes it!" ( Is it just Me, or did everybody want to smack the bejesus outta that kid and see if he liked THAT! LOL )

Condom: Yea or Nay?

Ummmmmm..... well that depends on where you want it.
If it's on My tounge than I'd have to say no. It always leaves a bad taste in My mouth


If you find that I'm starting to sound reasonable, then it's time to increase your medication. Later days A/all