just what the doctor ordered...

[she_is_my_addiction]

So. My fiancee called me at an obscene hour this morning, as usual, and proceeded to give me a crabby ass attitude over the phone. I told her she better not be using that tone with me and she told me she'll do whatever the hell she wants.

Less than five minutes later she informed me that her doctor said she needs to stop drinking and doing drugs....the same goddamn thing I told her. She said we're all crazy...*chuckles*...and she has no intention of stopping anything she doesn't want to. Obviously, she forgets the promises she made me about quitting that drug shit.

In any event, she told me I better be in my room when she calls me at five this evening. My guess is the doctor also told her some stuff about exercising, which she WILL NOT do.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? Lol what would you do? She's a suicidal, manipulative, maniac.

*Sigh*...and I thought I'd found true love...

 

[doormouse]

You can't be serious.

For one, if she's been on drugs this long, how do you know when she kicks them, she'll be the same person? Her personality might be totally drug induced.

Secondly, get the hell out of there. Been there, done that, and still wear the scars.

Thirdly, you're engaged and publishing her personal stuff on the internet. I hope for your sake she never reads this.

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

You can't be serious.

For one, if she's been on drugs this long, how do you know when she kicks them, she'll be the same person? Her personality might be totally drug induced.

Secondly, get the hell out of there. Been there, done that, and still wear the scars.

Thirdly, you're engaged and publishing her personal stuff on the internet. I hope for your sake she never reads this.

I really have no qualms about posting her "stuff" on here, because when drugs and alcohol are involved, there are other things far more important to me than a person's image. And as of right now we've suspended our engagement. Thirdly, the only websites she goes to are ones having to do with video games.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

She's not going to quit because she's not ready to, she needs to crash land before she realizes she has a major problem.

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

She's not going to quit because she's not ready to, she needs to crash land before she realizes she has a major problem.

What if crash landing means dying?

 

[doormouse]

My post wasn't meant to offend you. I've been there.

Married an alcoholic. They never change, well mine didn't anyway.

Get out while you still have some sanity if she's not ready to kick the drugs. It's really hard when you love someone that much, to walk away. You keep thinking you can help.

Truth, they can only help themselves.

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

My post wasn't meant to offend you. I've been there.

Married an alcoholic. They never change, well mine didn't anyway.

Get out while you still have some sanity if she's not ready to kick the drugs. It's really hard when you love someone that much, to walk away. You keep thinking you can help.

Truth, they can only help themselves.

You said exactly what I've been trying to explain to myself, about it being hard to walk away when you love someone that much. She'd kill herself if I did that, or manipulate her family into believing that it was my fault...I asked her if she would do something like that and she said "Probably". When her family gets pissed, they'll do anything to see that their baby isn't hurt. What the hell have I gotten myself into??

 

[ABSTRUSE]

What if crash landing means dying?

You can only do so much intervention love.

 

[Guest]

You can only do so much intervention love.

Agreed.

There comes a time when you must make an ultimatum. Tell her the truth. You love her but you will not continue with a relationship with her if she continues her self-destuctive slide. Tell her you are there for her but only if she is willing to come to her senses.

I have gone out of my way to help friends, many in similar situations. I've also been down the alcoholic alley. If they refuse your help, there is nothing you can do. But don't let them pull you down with them.

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

You can only do so much intervention love.

In so many words, she's told me on occasion that it's my fault because I can't help her enough to keep her from drinking and shooting up....

 

[doormouse]

You said exactly what I've been trying to explain to myself, about it being hard to walk away when you love someone that much. She'd kill herself if I did that, or manipulate her family into believing that it was my fault...I asked her if she would do something like that and she said "Probably". When her family gets pissed, they'll do anything to see that their baby isn't hurt. What the hell have I gotten myself into??

You know, this is probably going to end up being a really long post, so I apologise now.

Families are so fucking blind it isn't funny. They'd rather blame the milkman that believe their 'baby' was in the wrong.

An example:

I'd left my ex. He called and we had a fight over the phone. At the time, I had moved in with a friend. Not sexual, just a friend.

Anyway, he ended up turning up at the apartment ten minutes later, broke his hand breaking through the security door, kicked in the front door, and dragged me out to the balcony.

He had me hanging over the balcony by my neck. You want to know what happened after the police finally arrived??

I got phone calls all night from his family abusing me, because it was MY fault!!!!

It's funny how quiet his fucking family got when he left me in hospital for two days with a broken hand needing surgery. Maybe they finally realized their 'baby' wasn't so fucking innocent.

Don't worry about the family. Find a confidante and get the fuck out while you still can.

 

[cloudy]

In so many words, she's told me on occasion that it's my fault because I can't help her enough to keep her from drinking and shooting up....

Don't let her, or her family, lay the blame on you. Your only responsibility as someone who cares about her, is that of support, and making sure she knows that she is loved.

The problems she has are in no way your fault. There's an addict gene, sweetheart, and those that have it are much more likely to become addicted to alcohol or drugs when life doesn't go the way it should. I know, I have it, as do the rest of my family.

Don't accept responsibility for her problems. You can be there if she needs you, but ultimately, she's the one that has to do the fixing.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

In so many words, she's told me on occasion that it's my fault because I can't help her enough to keep her from drinking and shooting up....

Listen to what Dran says and remember, you are NOT at fault for what she does, she has to make the step to help herself. You can only choose to be there for her, but until she takes that first step all you can do is go on being you and living your life.

The most important thing I learned this week is....I can't save the world.

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

Listen to what Dran says and remember, you are NOT at fault for what she does, she has to make the step to help herself. You can only choose to be there for her, but until she takes that first step all you can do is go on being you and living your life.

The most important thing I learned this week is....I can't save the world.

ABS, cloudy, doormouse, Dran....

You're all correct. In fact I've tried almost everything with my gf...being firm, harsh, gentle, loving, patient, calm, angry, frustrated....and it gets so bad because she's so arrogant sometimes that I end up hanging up on her and then she'll call me back and ask me why I'm being so immature. Well if I'm not mistaken, I think it works both ways, but she's set a fine little double standard here.

As for living my life, she's offended or something by the fact that I've chosen to go to college, and in another state, God forbid. When *she* calls *me*, she acts all pissed, as though I've done something wrong. She refuses to talk about anything, and anything I say gets shot down, so we sit in silence for anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour before I tell her I have to go. Of course, she gets angry when I tell her this.

I *am* in a manipulative relationship, right? I mean, that's what it feels like.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

In so many words, she's told me on occasion that it's my fault because I can't help her enough to keep her from drinking and shooting up....

The deepest and most resolute love in the world, will still not allow you to live someone else's life for them. There has to come a point in time, where a person on that downward spiral looks around and has no one to blame but themselves. It is only then, when all the excuses ring hollow in your own ears, when you face the abyss alone and realize you have brought yourself to that precipice and only you can back away from it, that the ultimate decision must be made.

While you can walk a mile in her shoes, support her to the hilt, love her and want to make her happy, you can't take that step back for her. Only she can do that.

Watching someone you love self destruct is perhaps the most bitter fruit of loving. In the end, it isn't you, her family, or circumstance that is to blame and until the crutches are removed, she is unlikely to face the person who is to blame, because you rarely look at yourself unless there is noone else left to blame.

*hugs*

I wish you both the best, but no matter what happens, don't let yourself buy into her illusion. You are not to blame.

 

[GingerV]

Sometimes the best thing you can do for BOTH of you is walk away. You can't fix her. You can't do it for her. And you can't even help her if it's not something she wants to do. Hell, even if she was getting better...sometimes you can't help. It is something she HAS to do for herself and largely on her own. The battle is going on in her head, and she's the only one with a ticket.

If you stay, and it doesn't get better, you're going to get hurt. More and more hurt daily. More than that, while it wasn't true in my family...I know someone who's family member thought that so long as his family stood by him, he wasn't really that bad. He used the fact they hadn't abandoned him yet as PROOF that his drinking/drug habit wasn't out of control. Crazy thinking, but you can't expect someone who's suffering with the disease to think the way we do. Sometimes our very love and willingness to help keep them from hitting bottom, and getting the help they need.

There's no pretty answer. There's no magic bullet. There's nothing I can suggest that isn't going to break your heart. And I'm oh so very sorry for that.

As far as her family goes, alcoholism (and other addictions) are a family disease. I don't just meant that the way that Cloudy pointed out (although she's absolutely right about the genetic component), I mean that even if only one person in the family drinks...the whole family is effected. The people you're worried about hating you have to come to their own terms with their daughter/sister/whatever's behaviour. They can dig themselves into denial so deep they can't see out, until she turns the guns on them for a while. That's just the way it goes. They're not your burden. She's not your burden. In the end, we have to take care of ourselves or we're no use to anyone else.

Because that's true, I recommend that whether you stay or leave...you look into finding an Alanon chapter in your area. It's like any of the anonymous 12 step programs, but it's geared to helping the family of addicts. Not, mind you, to help you fix your addicted family member....it's more about how to fix you. Because I promise, she's gotten some of her issues on you. If nothing else, it helped me deal with the guilt burden of not being able to save someone who didn't want to be saved.

My heart goes out to you...wish I could do more. But then again, I always seem to be wishing that.

G

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

Sometimes the best thing you can do for BOTH of you is walk away. You can't fix her. You can't do it for her. And you can't even help her if it's not something she wants to do. Hell, even if she was getting better...sometimes you can't help. It is something she HAS to do for herself and largely on her own. The battle is going on in her head, and she's the only one with a ticket.

If you stay, and it doesn't get better, you're going to get hurt. More and more hurt daily. More than that, while it wasn't true in my family...I know someone who's family member thought that so long as his family stood by him, he wasn't really that bad. He used the fact they hadn't abandoned him yet as PROOF that his drinking/drug habit wasn't out of control. Crazy thinking, but you can't expect someone who's suffering with the disease to think the way we do. Sometimes our very love and willingness to help keep them from hitting bottom, and getting the help they need.

There's no pretty answer. There's no magic bullet. There's nothing I can suggest that isn't going to break your heart. And I'm oh so very sorry for that.

As far as her family goes, alcoholism (and other addictions) are a family disease. I don't just meant that the way that Cloudy pointed out (although she's absolutely right about the genetic component), I mean that even if only one person in the family drinks...the whole family is effected. The people you're worried about hating you have to come to their own terms with their daughter/sister/whatever's behaviour. They can dig themselves into denial so deep they can't see out, until she turns the guns on them for a while. That's just the way it goes. They're not your burden. She's not your burden. In the end, we have to take care of ourselves or we're no use to anyone else.

Because that's true, I recommend that whether you stay or leave...you look into finding an Alanon chapter in your area. It's like any of the anonymous 12 step programs, but it's geared to helping the family of addicts. Not, mind you, to help you fix your addicted family member....it's more about how to fix you. Because I promise, she's gotten some of her issues on you. If nothing else, it helped me deal with the guilt burden of not being able to save someone who didn't want to be saved.

My heart goes out to you...wish I could do more. But then again, I always seem to be wishing that.

G

Everyone on this board, with the patience to read and offer advice, has brought tears to my eyes. Maybe that's what I've been looking for...a way out without heartbreak.

 

[oggbashan]

Everyone on this board, with the patience to read and offer advice, has brought tears to my eyes. Maybe that's what I've been looking for...a way out without heartbreak.

Sorry. There isn't any way you can avoid heartbreak.

Whatever you do - you will be blamed. That is what happens to those who support self-abusing people.

You can't save anyone else from themselves. Only they can do that once they decide to change. If that decision is genuinely made then support from others is helpful. Until that decision is made the 'helper' is just another victim to lash out at.

Og

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

Sorry. There isn't any way you can avoid heartbreak.

Whatever you do - you will be blamed. That is what happens to those who support self-abusing people.

You can't save anyone else from themselves. Only they can do that once they decide to change. If that decision is genuinely made then support from others is helpful. Until that decision is made the 'helper' is just another victim to lash out at.

Og

This is true. I swear, I'm not going to let our relationship continue after Christmas.

There. Now I've said it and I've made friends who've witnessed me saying it. Now I have a reason to stick to it.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

This is true. I swear, I'm not going to let our relationship continue after Christmas.

There. Now I've said it and I've made friends who've witnessed me saying it. Now I have a reason to stick to it.

Do it now, don't use the Holidays as an excuse, you'll be miserable.

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

Do it now, don't use the Holidays as an excuse, you'll be miserable.

Abs I can't do it now...not this weekend. I'm going back to The Windy City with her tonight.

I'll do it after this weekend. Mother may I?

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Abs I can't do it now...not this weekend. I'm going back to The Windy City with her tonight.

I'll do it after this weekend. Mother may I?

Yes, you may. Don't let her manipulate you this time, stand tall and take your life back.

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

Yes, you may. Don't let her manipulate you this time, stand tall and take your life back.

wham bam thank you ma'am

 

[ABSTRUSE]

wham bam thank you ma'am

Do I have to get Des in here??

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

Do I have to get Des in here??

Quite possibly.