Just venting, don't mind me

[Ms_Lilith]

Okay, so it's March 27th, and I have a paper due tomorrow. I just finished typing it. What a crappy paper, and y'know what? I just don't care! I've done so much work in the last few weeks that I feel like I'm gonna collapse! And I have more assignments before it's over.. in the next week and a half, I have 5 more assignments, and then I have exams... FUCK, it feels like it never ends.

Now then, that I have school out of the way, let's move to guys:
Why is it that, when a guy expresses an interest in you (after being friends for a while, and after he KNOWS that you're in a serious relationship), and you tell him that it's not gonna fly (in much nicer terms, of course), he has to go and be a total loser about it? He goes and tells you you're ugly anyway, or that he wasn't really interested, just wanted to see if I'd cheat, shit like that. ARRGH! I hate BOYS! (this one is 22 years old).

Thirdly.. I have a bad anniversary coming up.. A year ago on April 17th, I was raped brutally, and the bastard wasn't arrested, because the cops didn't believe me. For the last 5 monts, I've had recurring nightmares, and they're getting worse, andmore common.. I hardly sleep anymore,a nd I feel like I'm gonna collapse because of the pressure.. I'm terrified that I'll see him somewhere, and that he'll come after me, and so I don't go out often. I hate that he still has that power over me, and it makes me feel small and weak. What a bastard.

My libido is going out of control.. I'm never satisfied, because I want things I can't have. My bf is amazing- he's caring, generous, and very good in bed, but I find that, after we've made love, 20 minutes later, I need to grab a toy or something to properly finish myself off... I feel terrible because he's beginning to feel like he's not good enough.

ARRGH! AHHHHH!

Okay, I feel a little better.. sorry everyone.. don't mind me, I'm just having a bad day.

Cheers, all.
Vix

 

[DopeyAngel]

Grrrrrrr! I'm sorry you're feeling bad, but go girl - let it all out!

 

[lavender]

 

[Ms_Lilith]

and now I have yet another person ragging on me because I flirt. Lovely.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

RE: Lavendar

I have had some terrible experiences with more than one therapist (4, to be exact), and I find that I have difficulty trusting them now.. I'm doing my best to deal with it all, but I just get so scared and so frustrated... sometimes, I just want to curl up into a ball and cry...

 

[lavender]

 

[DopeyAngel]

Crying is the best way of releasing anger and frustration, but don't try to cope alone vix. Allow ppl to help you, like your b/f for example, I know it's hard, but it might work.

 

[Black_Bird]

Hon... I'm sorry to hear that you're having a bad day/week/month. I'm guessing you *have* talked to your bf about all these issues...

As for the 22 year old, if he's acting this way then you don't need him around you. He's acting more like a teenager then an adult.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

my bf is diong the best he can.. he really understands what I'm going through (as much as he can, that is), and he's very supportive.

And I have some wonderful friends who have helped me thus far... but I'm not used to being weak like this.. I've always been incredibly strong, incredibly focused. And then this comes along, and it feels like I'm broken, only now, after so long..

 

[lavender]

 

[lavender]

 

[Ms_Lilith]

First off, Lavendar, you have mail.

Now then.. my experience was also date-rape. I was drunk, and he wasn't (which I only realised looking back on it), and I had said no, repeatedly (because I don't believe in having sex when I'm drunk). Now then.. my rape began with him using the wine bottle, which had a sharp lip on it, to fuck me.. eventually, the sheets were covered in blood, and I was quiet, having been pained into silence.. I had scratches all over my back (was in doggystyle position), and bruises on my head... he was 275lbs of muscle, and I wasn't strong enough to fight, though I tried. Then he slipped a condom on, and went at it, then flipped me over so he could look at my face.. called me terrible names, and then told me when he finished that I was the 27th woman that he'd fucked. No one knew. Not even my next door neighbor knew.. and I lived in a dorm.

The thing that bothers me is that he and I were already sleeping together.. if he'd just waited a DAY, I would have most likely said yes...

So anyway, I wandered into the bathroom, cleaned up, went to the hospital, they did a rape kit, and then went to the police, and they did't believe me, cus there was no proof of HIM. He'd worn a condom.

 

[Black_Bird]

And I have some wonderful friends who have helped me thus far... but I'm not used to being weak like this.. I've always been incredibly strong, incredibly focused. And then this comes along, and it feels like I'm broken, only now, after so long..

Like everything else in life, it's a proccess. Feeling weak, admitting that you're weak sometimes is a part of the proccess. So is being angry. In the end, you will be stronger in spite of the pain and confusion you now feel.

Don't be afraid to lean on your boyfriend; don't be afraid to lean on your friends. This is what they are there for. Even when you feel like you are just whining because you've talked about the same issues time and time again - go ahead and tell them what you are feeling. You can't get better unless you get it out of your system.

Lav's right; seek out a professional. Do some research and seek out someone who really knows what they are doing. I hope the best for you, hon. *Hugs*

 

[lavender]

 

[sunstruck]

Can I make a therapy sugestion? If you've had bad expiriences with one on one therapy you may want to try a group setting. That way you aren't alone and there aren't any control issues.
You really should find something though, not just an outlet (though you could try writing about it) but professional help. This is the kind of thing that comes back to you, even when you think you're long past it.
Good luck sweets!

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Lavendar:

the thing is, the Police wouldn't cooperate anyway. That was their excuse. A gay friend of mine was assaulted, and he had proof (another guy's cum up his ass), and the police in this town wouldn't help him. It's a uni town, and theythink that a lot of people cry wolf (if it's a uni town, wouldn't they be MORE believing than not?!).

I dunno.

 

[tigerjen]

here's a HUG for ya!! {{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}

I remember having those bad days back in
college.......esp. with last min papers and shit
like that.......

I just had a crappy work day myself......frustrating
because I had nearly a week off last week from work,
and I go back in today to more stress.....certain
things not getting done, etc.etc. etc. Its annoying!

It's okay to vent...believe me.......its better to vent
than to keep it all bottled up......



tigerjen

 

[JazzManJim]

Wait...

You're taking a full school load and doing well.

You have a wonderful relationship with love and faith and trust.

You're still going forward even though you're tired and want to give up (but you're still moving forward).

You hold true to what you want and like (i.e. the flirting) even though someone else bangs on your for it.

Damn...sounds to me like your doing god-damned great to me! Way to go!

Okay, so it's not perfect, but you know where you need the help, and you're getting it. That's more than half the game. You're kicking ass and taking names and, though it may not mean much at all, I'm proud as hell for you! Hang in, keep it up, and come 'round anytime you need to vent!

 

[freescorfr]

I read this thread before going out this morning and felt uncomfortable. I think I now know why.

On Lit. people come over as persons - we don't see each other. We know bits about each other's looks because we describe ourselves and the av's or pics. But really it's the person who emerges on Lit.
For me, both Lavy and vixenshe, express themselves, differently, in a lots of different humours - in play, in seriousness, in teasing, with wit or with pathos and so on.

As a man I've always thought rape must be awful, but I suppose I've thought of it as a physical violation although I know there can be big psychological issues. Even when I've talked with rape survivors, this "picture" has been predominent.

This thread, however, has really hit home to me the violence to the person.

I'm sorry that you both suffered this way. Thanks for posting like this.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I'm glad that I was able to help open your mind a little to what happens when a rape occurs. I work with a group called "Men against sexualized violence" (from which I'm taking Hiatus right now, as the anniversary approaches), and the only reason I'm there is to provide perspective, and share what happened, and what is still happening, so that they have some scope. I feel I have to help others who need it, but sometimes (like on the day I posted this thread), I really need to focus on me.

Today, I'm doing wonderfully.. I have a sunburnt nose, because I had a class outdoors yesterday (what a cool prof), and I think it looks cute. I am wearing a nice outfit, I've finished school (except for exams), and my best friend is coming to visit, and I haven't seen her in about 2 months. I can't wait to see her. I just bought my boyfriend an early birthday present, and it's this thick, luxurious blanket for our bed.. it's velvet, with african safari scenes on it,a nd I know that he'll love it, and we'll have fun rolling around on it!

In the back of my mind, I know that I still need to deal with the rape, though... For all of you who are curious, I've started to see a Healer.. she's a psychiatrist and an iridologist, and she believes in both physical and mental health, and harmony of all energy forces. SHe's wonderful, and I'm glad I found her. I've started to journal even more, and I've written out the nightmares, and burned the papers on which they're written so that I can release the demons. I still have nightmares, and I'm still sad sometimes, but I'm doing much better. It helps to know that you are all very supportive. Thanks!

Now, let's turn this thread into a GOOD rant thread... (good energy helps everyone).

Cheers all, and Much love,
Vix

 

[hatara]

vixenshe good for you! You are a wonderful strong woman. Everyone is allowed to feel bad or weak at times, it's all a part of being human. The trick is hanging on and reaching out and you can do that! That makes you a wonderful and amazing person. I wish you all the happiness in the world and as long as your bf doesn't care if you flirt you have fun sweety and you go!!

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Thanks Hatara.. and thanks for posting your av and other pic.. they're lovely.
Who are they?

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Resurrecting an old thread- I'm sorry I do this so much

I just figured I'd resurrect a thread rather than start a new one... Today is a down day.. last night I had a memory flash and a nightmare, so I posted some threads today, to try to get things out. I'm trying my best to deal, but I'll be studying (I have two exams tomorrow), and then realize, OMG, it's been almost a year.. what if something happens again? What if he finds me? He was never sent to jail, and so Im' terrified that he'll come after me. I don't know. I'm trying. Don't mind me.

 

[SXCRgirl]

Vix,

You don't know me and I'm a virtual newbie on the boards. But I've been reading your posts and all I can say is that, you are doing well. It's a process we all go through when we deal with something as painful as this.

You're an intelligent woman and it shows. Just remember to deal with one day at a time and you will see that in time, you will distance yourself from this horrific experience. Just my 0.02, he is a bastard for doing what he did to you and I will never freakin understand the point of all that.

Whew, anyway... LOL... didn't mean to go off on a tangent. I've never had an experience like that, but all I can say is this. You are a far stronger person for admitting that this bothers you. They say the first step is admitting your weakness. You go girl, look in the mirror and be proud of what you've accomplished. In 10 years, you're going to look back and say, I've come this far. And he... will still be the miserable asshole that he is.

*hugs*

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Thank you, SXCR, your post was a good one (I almost cried, but it was a good cry). You're right, though.. the hardest thing for me to do was admit that I was weak. Through all the things I've gone through in my life, I've always had to be strong for me and everyone else, and knowing that this guy had broken me was HARD. I'd never admitted weakness before. And now I can't help but feel weak a lot, though I try to be strong still. I haven't given up, but some days I just feel like staying in bed. I have an exam on the anniversary day, so that will take my mind off of it, but I hope that other good things happen that day to make it good.