Just look at this!

[WickedEve]

Thanks for looking. Okay, it's been sitting in preview forever. I wrote it months ago and something just isn't right about it, besides the fact that it's another odd poem by me.
I was thinking of cutting the parts called "Flower" and "Weed" and just going with "Air." I think the first part can stand alone.


(edit) Revision:

~*~
Air
~*~

Poe crouches in dirt,
fingers drawing desire
as he draws breath -
Eve is his air.

Spread with need,
she comes to him
astride the wind.
Poe wants to be with Eve.

Swift steps devour distance
and eat twice the sun
to places deep with want.

"Come down to me Poe;
stay low in shadows.
He sees; he knows."
Eve hides Poe close
till he vanishes inside.

Crow grows straight and thick -
a black tree in night
with roots stretched far.
From beneath he impales,
reaching Eve's place
close to where secrets lie.

Poe is quiet,
his silence screaming
till Eve is deaf
to Crow's demands.

To far lands
Crow beats his wings -
a distant thunder
rousing vines
(designed to keep her)
to entwine to sleep her.

Poe cannot breathe
without his air.

He lets loose the coils
and sets them free.
Eve surrounds -
a breeze against his skin.
He breathes her in
and carries her
swift steps and two suns away.

~*~
Flower
~*~

Eve blooms in Poe's garden.
She is his wild one -
the heady scent
with thorny touch.

Her stem is long
roots deep in dirt
from whence he drew her.
Now he traces love
upon her skin -
naked flesh sweet with dew
under cloudless day
till Crow darkens sky.

Eve wilts in his clutch
as Crow spirits her away.
Poe kneels in empty garden,
lone feather in his grasp.

~*~
Weed
~*~

Where breath takes shape,
Poe totes feather steep.
His guide is sharp,
razoring azure to shreds.

Eyes cloudward,
each step deep in white,
Poe descends to valley low,
footsteps melting in his wake.

Vines gather and impede,
but cries seep through,
bleeding into Poe.

Old women pull weeds
from dead garden of Eve -
never will she bloom for Crow,
so to the wind they leave her.
Eve is scattered wide.

Poe returns with but a seed.
Consumed by sorrow
he takes his love inside
in hopes she'll grow
till they both take root
and reach for the sky.

 

[Rybka]

WE wrote

Just look at this!
Thanks for looking. Okay, it's been sitting in preview forever. I wrote it months ago and something just isn't right about it, besides the fact that it's another odd poem by me.
I was thinking of cutting the parts called "Flower" and "Weed" and just going with "Air." I think the first part can stand alone.
The sections in bold are just some of the areas I'm not sure about.

Who am I to alter WE's work? - But here are some primitive suggestions.

Question: Who is Poe? Is it shorthand for poetry?

~*~
Air
~*~

Poe crouches in dirt,
fingers drawing desire.
He draws ( ) breath -
Eve is (his) air.

Spread with need,
she comes to him
astride the wind. (straddling winds)
(I like "astride the wind")
Poe wants to be with Eve.

Swift steps devour distance
and (eat twice) the sun
to places deep with want.

"Come down to me Poe;
stay low in (shadow)."
He sees; he knows.
Eve hides Poe close
till he vanishes inside.

Crow grows straight and thick -
a black tree in night
with roots stretched far.
From beneath he impales,
reaching Eve's (place)
close to where her secrets lie.

(O.K. Who is crow?)

Poe is quiet,
his silence screaming
till Eve is deaf
to Crow's demands.

To(o) far away Crow beats his wings -
a thunder in (the) distance
rousing vines
once entwined to keep her now
strangling and cruel.

Poe cannot breathe
without his air.

He (lets loose) the coils
and sets them free.
Eve surrounds -
a breeze against his skin.
He breathes her in
and carries her
swift steps; two suns away.


~*~
Flower
~*~

Eve blooms in Poe's garden.
She is his wild one -
the heady scent
(with) thorny touch.

Her stem is long
(roots) deep in dirt
from whence he drew her.
Now he traces love
upon her skin -
naked flesh sweet with dew
under cloudless day
till Crow darkens ( ) sky.

Eve wilts in his (clutch)
as Crow spirits her away.
Poe kneels in garden empty,
lone feather in his grasp.


~*~
Weed
~*~

He totes feather steep to peak
where breath takes shape.
Poe opens pouch;
feather is (his) razor
slicing azure (in)to shreds.

Eyes cloudward,
each step deep in white,
Poe descends (to) valley low,
footsteps melting in his wake.

Vines gather and impede,
but cries seep through,
bleeding into Poe.

Old women pull weeds
from ( ) garden('s dead) of (Eve),
but she will not bloom (again) for Crow.
(So) they (throw) her (wide to) wind
(and) scatter her (insides).

Poe returns with but a seed.
Consumed by sorrow
he takes his love inside
in hopes she'll grow
till they both take root
and reach (again) for ( ) sky.


Regards,                       Rybka

 

[JUDO]

Goodness, what a lot of stuff there. I started to read and then, realized that I didn't have the time to do it justice. Running away until I have the time to review it well, forgive me.


- Judo

 

[WickedEve]

Poe it not Poetry. lol Crow is... Well, just think of this as a love triangle. 2 men and 1 woman.

Thank you very much for the suggestions. Now maybe I can finally submit this!

Wait. I see that Judo (the coward) took off without leaving any of her famous suggestions behind! Get back here!