Just lonely and in a sexless marriage

[pleasedoit4me]

I have been married a long time. I get that people can grow apart. It certainly has happened in my marriage. My wife has no interest in sex or intimacy. It has been over a year. I get that, in that I am certainly not the man I was in my 20's. In 30 or so years we all change.

But I have needs that shee seems to not care about. We talk about it, and she gets it, but she never wants to address it physically, or in any manner that would make me feel like her husband or even a man. I am not sure what to do.

My life now is all masturbation in terms of intimacy. I still have a strong libido. What I do not still have is my 30 year old self. I feel that if you are in love at 30 you can also be in love at 50 or older, but you cannot expect that 30 year old man and body you were into........we grow older, and our love should too.

So I am lonely and depressed. I have to get myself off, but it is getting harder to do as i am not only feeling bitter, but really abnormal and guilty. Online pictures, videos, and stories have become my intimate life. Maybe I need to give into that.....I don't know. But I am looking for anything that would help.

Thanks!

 

[amigayorbi]

Welcome to the Club, mate. You aren’t alone.

 

[AlexBailey]

I wrote this for another thread, maybe you can find something helpful for conversations with your wife:

I’ve been reading about hyper sexuality and ADHD - yep, I’m a poster child for both and recently in a (nearly) sexless marriage and I just read something that really resonated, ADHD or not.

My menopausal wife has no interest in sex and almost no interest in intimacy - they are different things and have different effects on me.

Sex and getting off provide a dopamine release while Intimacy (touch and close interaction) provide a serotonin and oxytocin release.

Dopamine is addictive and is more of an instant gratification. It can feel amazing and when I feel a need for it or if I’m feeling down it can be just the thing - for just a moment. It can satisfy the initial craving but afterwards it’s often a letdown, like ‘oh great, now I need to clean up and take a shower.’ What the fuck is wrong with me?

Serotonin and Oxytocin, on the other hand, is produced by touch and emotional connection. It feels great at the moment but it also has lasting effects on mood and can provide a general feeling of appreciation and stability.

A quick extramarital tryst can provide the dopamine but usually not the more lasting effects. If the extramarital sex involves secrecy and cheating it can have a negative effect on the marital relationship, making serotonin and oxytocin less likely to be produced due to a whole cocktail of psychological factors, creating more disconnect even if the cheating is never revealed. Worse yet is that it can become easier to get a serotonin/oxytocin response which can provide a desire for an emotional connection from someone other than your spouse.


This can also be the case with hidden self-pleasure such as masturbation or cross dressing for self gratification because it’s something that becomes a distancing secret that can increase resentment, yet it may still be the best go-to for dopamine.

In my case CDing is not just a sexual dopamine thing. I get positive feedback from it on many levels including a feeling of alignment of identity within my self when I am able to dress casually and feel accepted by my wife. Her reaction to my CDing is more often of tolerance than of acceptance, so on the rare occasion when she is supportive or says something complimentary I can feel the surge of natural chemicals and I feel a strengthening of my emotional connection to her - I get that warm and fuzzy feeling and just want to make her feel good too - whether that’s making a fancy dinner, rubbing her tired feet, or just hanging out listening to her thoughts about the day. When she isn’t supportive, I feel resentful and like I’m in the wrong relationship. I start imagining having a partner who wants me.

Again, intimacy and sex are NOT the same thing, and in a relationship, lacking one can have a negative effect on the other.

 

[razor33a]

In the same boat. Getting off without intimacy from my wife just feels hollow.

 

[Dearelliot]

I soon learned, for the most part, during sex, I was the only one who wanted to be there..and switched to pros who always acted as though they were interested.
I suppose I could have ridden up on a white horse dressed as Lawrence of Arabia and swept her off her feet and taken her to a tent in the desert but the logistics were so difficult.

 

[Carolinaguy1367]

Same boat. Not much fun.

 

[BoredhousewifeUK]

As a female in the same position it is not good my husband would rather play golf any day - he looks after and provides no problem but in the bedroom unfortunately very little

 

[Crownvic]

Lots of people with similar situations..both sides...

 

[pleasedoit4me]

Same life and almost the same wife! haha

 

[pleasedoit4me]

In the same boat. Getting off without intimacy from my wife just feels hollow.

It is hollow. The excitement and satisfaction is not the same..

 

[Bisnjguy]

Same here.

 

[pleasedoit4me]

Welcome to the Club, mate. You aren’t alone.

Thanks...and that is sad for all of us

 

[Winchester3030]

Same boat. My wife has never had much of a sex drive and has never initiated. As the years have gone by I get rejected more and more to when I haven’t even tried for over five months now. I’m pushing 50 and feel we are basically just friends/roommates and kind of wasting each other years.
I feel ya.

Yep! Same here but we are great roommates

 

[pleasedoit4me]

Lots of people with similar situations..both sides...

That is just tragic for all of us...

 

[pleasedoit4me]

Yep! Same here but we are great roommates

Yep roommates is a great description....

 

[pleasedoit4me]

Same here.

I am sorry....

 

[pleasedoit4me]

I soon learned, for the most part, during sex, I was the only one who wanted to be there..and switched to pros who always acted as though they were interested.
I suppose I could have ridden up on a white horse dressed as Lawrence of Arabia and swept her off her feet and taken her to a tent in the desert but the logistics were so difficult.

Yeah, I would have to buy a horse....I get it! hahaha

 

[Winchester3030]

Yep roommates is a great description....

But the Lonely part does get difficult sometimes

 

[pleasedoit4me]

As a female in the same position it is not good my husband would rather play golf any day - he looks after and provides no problem but in the bedroom unfortunately very little

And even if you learned to play gold with him, in my experience, it does not satisfy me sexually! hahaha

 

[pleasedoit4me]

But the Lonely part does get difficult sometimes

Yeah the lonely part leads me down a sad path. It makes me feel unwanted and not valued.

 

[Winchester3030]

Yeah the lonely part leads me down a sad path. It makes me feel unwanted and not valued.

Exactly! I totally get that!

 

[pleasedoit4me]

And then we all miss out!

 

[pleasedoit4me]

Same here.

It sucks!

 

[pleasedoit4me]

Welcome to the Club, mate. You aren’t alone.

A club we would rather not be in....but you are right.....I am not alone.

 

[pleasedoit4me]

What you need is someone you can visit who will give you sex without any emotion. Just a person who will get on his or her knees for you will relieve some of the tension. It’s not a perfect solution but it will help.

I wouldn't know even where to find that