Just Kiss Me

[bricookie]

I know i'm new here but some feedback on my poetry would be super awesome

---

I'm standing here patiently
Listening without hearing
Nodding politely as you speak

It's not that I don't care about your day
I love it when you share your world with me
But it's been all day since I last saw you
All I can think about now is your kiss

There's been an itch at the back of my mind
As the hours passed it started to build
I could feel my need rising from deep inside
Though I couldn't figure out what I was craving

Now I just want to put my arms around you
Want to feel our hearts beating against each other
My hands are fighting themselves
To keep from grabbing you, pulling you close

I keep staring into your eyes
I could lose myself in those eyes, willingly
Can't you see how mine are pleading for you to stop?
Hoping you'll get the hint

Trying to hush you for just a minute
This is taking far too long
Oh, just shut up and kiss me already,

Kiss me softly, kiss me hard
Kiss me all the ways I like
But just do it now
So my lips can find their way back home to yours

 

[Whinston]

Liked it a lot!

I'm not normally one for poetry and I'm afraid I generally like it to rhyme, but I did REALLY enjoy yours.

I think it is because I put a lot of stock in kissing and enjoying a good kiss either passionate or loving - or both - and you grasp the urgency of needing to be kissed well. In my opinion anyway. I hope you post more X

 

[champagne1982]

Sweet sentiments and a nice poem, however, you may want to read your poem aloud and see how you can involve the reader rather than having us be stand-off observers to what you tell us about in your story.

This is your poem and I expect you posted it on the forum rather than to the actual New Stories Index because you are sincere about receiving critique. My best advice to you is to read the advice you get, and even if you don't agree, a simple "thank you" to the responders and a demonstration that you take something positive away from the exchange, will do much to encourage people to give you constructive critique.

Keep writing and working on your poetry but most important, READ, READ, READ the work of poets you admire and wish to emulate.

See! the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea: -
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?
~Percy Bysshe Shelley, Love's Philosophy

and

Once he drew
With one long kiss my whole soul thro'
My lips, as sunlight drinketh dew.
~Alfred Lord Tennyson

 

[UnderYourSpell]

You have the makings but as it stands this is very much like prose with line breaks, cut out as many I/you as you can, and beware the dreaded gerund!
welcome aboard stick around and join in

 

[bricookie]

thanks for all the feedback

even if i didn't know what champagne1982 was really getting at

 

[twelveoone]

thanks for all the feedback

even if i didn't know what champagne1982 was really getting at

De - I it and read more.
Directly said.

Or maybe it was a reference to the fact it would be buried in New poems, and ignored since it has been plagued with serial dumpers of late.

 

[champagne1982]

thanks for all the feedback

even if i didn't know what champagne1982 was really getting at

Keep writing and working on your poetry but most important, READ, READ, READ the work of poets you admire. Put the reader of your poem first and turn your work into something universal, elsewise, you have a bunch of words that are pretty much like every other bunch of words.