i have apparently had a fair number of people read my poems and stories however none have given me any feedback. so i was just wondering if i could get some here. don't worry i'm tough i can take your worst, lol. please do be honest and tell me what you think, so that i might get better.. well i might just ignore what you say but who knows.
just curious
- Thread starter Ceaser
- Start date
Natural Born Eros
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2002
- Posts
- 107
Firstly, a link might be in order. This is Ceasar's page, and I'm being very good and not mentioning the fact that Caesar has spelt his name wrong. Oh damn. Never mind.
As to feedback, you might get more poetry feedback if you repost the same message on the poem feedback forum. Since I don't know anything about writing Sci-Fi/Fantasy, and not a lot about reading it, I have had a quick look at The Tree.
Well, I must say, it is the strangest story I have ever read at this site. I don't think that is a bad thing, though - most of the tales blend into one another and get a bit samey. I do wonder if it is the right category, although that is a question of how it is read. I suppose it could be entered as non-erotic, because, I, for one, didn't find it romantic, but then, I think it is more sexual than just "non-erotic." Of course, people expect sex if it is in any other category. I think you've got a quandry on your hands.
There were a few minor technical points, but I did think the story was well-written. "Taller than the others they all looked up to me" is a confusing sentence (and it really helps if your first para keeps people reading). I think it either needs a few more words, or at least some strategically placed commas. "Since I was taller than the others they all looked up to me," or "Taller than the others, they all looked up to me," both read better. Touque has two "u"s in it. (So my Canadian fiance assures me, anyway. I don't have a clue, it took me two years in Canada to stop calling them 'ats!) In general, there are a few sentences that could benefit from greater phrasing - that is, more use of hyphons, commas, colons and semi-colons. As a general rule, the more you can break up your writing, the more likely your audience are to follow the thread of your thoughts.
Now, they story itself. I'm a bit tentative about picking up aspects of it that didn't make sense - it is a story about a thinking conifer, and an emotional one at that. BTW, do you consider all Xmas trees strongly compassionate, or was it just this one.
I'm afraid even allowing for that, I just don't see someone bleeding close to death hugging a tree. Unless she is releasing her inner hippy, of course! Other than that, I'll leave the plot for other people's analysis - I just don't think my mind works in the same way as your own, Ceasar.
Taken as a whole, I found this story clever and engaging. I enjoyed the writing style, particularly the short, single sentence paragraphs that break up the narrative and grab the reader's attention. I think it may have been just a little too wierd for me, and I wasn't expecting a story requiring such a strong suspension of reality. For that reason, I gave your story a four.
Keep writing, and if you ever write a more traditional erotic story, send me a PM.
Cheers,
Eros
As to feedback, you might get more poetry feedback if you repost the same message on the poem feedback forum. Since I don't know anything about writing Sci-Fi/Fantasy, and not a lot about reading it, I have had a quick look at The Tree.
Well, I must say, it is the strangest story I have ever read at this site. I don't think that is a bad thing, though - most of the tales blend into one another and get a bit samey. I do wonder if it is the right category, although that is a question of how it is read. I suppose it could be entered as non-erotic, because, I, for one, didn't find it romantic, but then, I think it is more sexual than just "non-erotic." Of course, people expect sex if it is in any other category. I think you've got a quandry on your hands.
There were a few minor technical points, but I did think the story was well-written. "Taller than the others they all looked up to me" is a confusing sentence (and it really helps if your first para keeps people reading). I think it either needs a few more words, or at least some strategically placed commas. "Since I was taller than the others they all looked up to me," or "Taller than the others, they all looked up to me," both read better. Touque has two "u"s in it. (So my Canadian fiance assures me, anyway. I don't have a clue, it took me two years in Canada to stop calling them 'ats!) In general, there are a few sentences that could benefit from greater phrasing - that is, more use of hyphons, commas, colons and semi-colons. As a general rule, the more you can break up your writing, the more likely your audience are to follow the thread of your thoughts.
Now, they story itself. I'm a bit tentative about picking up aspects of it that didn't make sense - it is a story about a thinking conifer, and an emotional one at that. BTW, do you consider all Xmas trees strongly compassionate, or was it just this one.
I'm afraid even allowing for that, I just don't see someone bleeding close to death hugging a tree. Unless she is releasing her inner hippy, of course! Other than that, I'll leave the plot for other people's analysis - I just don't think my mind works in the same way as your own, Ceasar.Taken as a whole, I found this story clever and engaging. I enjoyed the writing style, particularly the short, single sentence paragraphs that break up the narrative and grab the reader's attention. I think it may have been just a little too wierd for me, and I wasn't expecting a story requiring such a strong suspension of reality. For that reason, I gave your story a four.
Keep writing, and if you ever write a more traditional erotic story, send me a PM.
Cheers,
Eros
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
Secret Hauntings
I read your "Secret Hauntings", and it was a good, workmanlike story. There were a couple of spell-checker type errors, but nothing major.
The main thing that kept it from being great--and this is my opinion only, of course--is the rather flat emotional tone and unexciting language. You're describing a very intense, supernatural occurance, and you missed a chance for some really strong imagery that would have described his experience and emotional state while this was happening. When dealing with the supernatural, the hardest thing is making it believable, and this is usually done by attention to detail. You've got to have a very clear image of what's going on and what it feels lik
Writing horror is always risky, because the line between horror and comedy is so thin. That's why hokey horror films are so much funnier than, say, hokey love stories. You make one slip and let the reader crack a smile, and you're lost. The whole thing falls apart.
The ghost's calling him "Big boy" kind of ruined it for me. It calls to idea images of Mae West and women in fishnet stockings. The ghost just talked too much for me.
I also didn't get how he could feel her so clearly during sex, but still couldn't feel her breast. I guess gohosts can do that.
Also, proof the ending again. It seemes a bit rushed, like you couldn't wait to finish.
Good idea though, and pretty good job.
---dr.M.
I read your "Secret Hauntings", and it was a good, workmanlike story. There were a couple of spell-checker type errors, but nothing major.
The main thing that kept it from being great--and this is my opinion only, of course--is the rather flat emotional tone and unexciting language. You're describing a very intense, supernatural occurance, and you missed a chance for some really strong imagery that would have described his experience and emotional state while this was happening. When dealing with the supernatural, the hardest thing is making it believable, and this is usually done by attention to detail. You've got to have a very clear image of what's going on and what it feels lik
Writing horror is always risky, because the line between horror and comedy is so thin. That's why hokey horror films are so much funnier than, say, hokey love stories. You make one slip and let the reader crack a smile, and you're lost. The whole thing falls apart.
The ghost's calling him "Big boy" kind of ruined it for me. It calls to idea images of Mae West and women in fishnet stockings. The ghost just talked too much for me.
I also didn't get how he could feel her so clearly during sex, but still couldn't feel her breast. I guess gohosts can do that.
Also, proof the ending again. It seemes a bit rushed, like you couldn't wait to finish.
Good idea though, and pretty good job.
---dr.M.
hmmmm
ok first thing my name is Ceaser, not Ceasar nor caesar or anything else, it is Ceaser, so please spell it that way.
you have given me some things to think about. and although i don't agree with many of them (accusing me of not being able to spell my own name for one). it was still nice to get some feedback.
i didn't even know where to put the tree in the categories, sci fi and fantasy seemed like the closest thing there was to the right place. Secret hauntings... well she had to talk so that some of the things would be explained (possibly some should have been left to guesses?) and then when he can feel her touching him but he can't touch her, i thought that that adds to the supernatural feel of it all. Likewise with the tree, she hugs it because it's the only thing that is still true in her life right then. and she wanted to see one beautiful thing before she dies. make sense? oh well if it doesn't i'll keep writing like i do either way, thanks for the input (but spell my name right next time). and according to the dictionary its toque incidentally)
ok first thing my name is Ceaser, not Ceasar nor caesar or anything else, it is Ceaser, so please spell it that way.
you have given me some things to think about. and although i don't agree with many of them (accusing me of not being able to spell my own name for one). it was still nice to get some feedback.
i didn't even know where to put the tree in the categories, sci fi and fantasy seemed like the closest thing there was to the right place. Secret hauntings... well she had to talk so that some of the things would be explained (possibly some should have been left to guesses?) and then when he can feel her touching him but he can't touch her, i thought that that adds to the supernatural feel of it all. Likewise with the tree, she hugs it because it's the only thing that is still true in her life right then. and she wanted to see one beautiful thing before she dies. make sense? oh well if it doesn't i'll keep writing like i do either way, thanks for the input (but spell my name right next time). and according to the dictionary its toque incidentally)
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