Just a question...

[Kitte]

I am hesitant to post this because my SO is a member of Lit. But I really feel I have no where to turn. He and I are just begining the path of discovering to what extent BDSM plays a role in or lives indivdualy and together. Tonight while playing, I had a moment where I was sort of flashing back to a not so happy time in my life. I wanted him to stop. But for so many reasons I could not say 'Red' I thought maybe 'Yellow' then I talked myself out of it. Almost afraid to dissapoint and at the same time wanting to push myself through it. To break the negative connotation with the specific activity. I did push through it to a degree but it left me feeling rather tense and unsure and I had to go to another room and gather myself for a little bit after. This took away from what is usually a very loving and nurturing time for both of us. Has anyone here experienced anything similar? How did you react?

Thanks in advance...

 

[mskittykatt]

flashbacks are never easy to handle and i'm in awe of the strength and courage you displayed in just getting through that time and facing it by yourself.

i don't know much about your relationship but i've gone through some similar experiances and found that it's a great relief to share them with my honey. his protection, strength and courage add to my own when i feel the weakest and help to carry me through.

does your SO know about the incident that causes your flashbacks? if so, i do hope you can find the same comfort in sharing your fears *and* accomplishments working through them with him.

 

[Quint]

Ice cubes. We were playing and I disobeyed and he thought it wasn't hurting as bad as it was but I said "red!" and through my sobs I saw him walk out the door, unable to be in the same room with someone he'd hurt like that.

It was early on, obviously. No flashbacks or mental trauma, just physical incapacity for pain on my part and just fear of damaging his love on his part. I sought him out afterwards and explained that by leaving me alone in pain, without me knowing HIS state of mind, he'd hurt me far worse than the ice cubes did. Hasn't happened since. As with everything else, experience and honesty is the key.

 

[artful]

Ice cubes. We were playing and I disobeyed and he thought it wasn't hurting as bad as it was but I said "red!" and through my sobs I saw him walk out the door, unable to be in the same room with someone he'd hurt like that.

It was early on, obviously. No flashbacks or mental trauma, just physical incapacity for pain on my part and just fear of damaging his love on his part. I sought him out afterwards and explained that by leaving me alone in pain, without me knowing HIS state of mind, he'd hurt me far worse than the ice cubes did. Hasn't happened since. As with everything else, experience and honesty is the key.

Right on Quint,...thanks for sharing that.

 

[WillowPuss]

Yes, this has happened to me.

The only way I, or rather, we, dealt with it was by sitting down and me explaining - sometimes in tears - just why I was unable to do or want to do a particular thing.

The explaining part was extremely hard for and on me. It was even harder on Robuck, who had no idea of my earlier experiences and was left with a mix of emotions.

However - talk we did. It took two or three sessions for me to be able to relate the entire story. We are now at the stage of working through some of the issues/emotions. We are doing this slowly, and only when we both feel strong enough to deal with any emotion whiplash that could occur.

There is still some way to go with another of my 'scars' and this one may never be worked though - only time will tell.


About the only thing I can suggest to you is to be totally honest with each other. Let him know why it is you feel the way you do. Once he is armed with that knowledge, he will be able to help you work towards pushing the boundary away completely.

 

[Kitte]

Thank you all so much for your responses. We did talk afterwords for quite a while and I gave him further details into a situation he had some knowledge of.
I guess it is hard to explain. It was almost a matter of self reliance for me. To not stop, to work through it on my own Which is what I am used to having to do. He was vary caring and supportive and a little upset at me not having stopped, but he also understood my thinking behind not stopping and reassured me that in the future it will not be a matter of disappointing him. Which I knew on a cognitive level but subconsiously I was holding onto.

It was probably one of the physically hardest experiences we have had and now with this new level of communication I feel closer to him then ever. He brought me to a place I have never been and saw me through it safely. Despite my moments of fear the knowledge that it was him helped see me through it. If that makes any sense.

 

[WillowPuss]

Having 'been there done that' ... it makes perfect sense.

I am pleased that it worked out.
(((hugs)))

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Not that I have extensive experience with any BDSM, but I do enjoy being choked. My rapist choked me as he did his business, and for a long time afterward, I could not deal with choking. When my SO and I began sleeping together, he choked me one day (as we had discussed it and its repercussions earlier). It was too much for me to bear, so I told him to stop... I burst into tears, and he just couldn't understand until I explained what a 'trigger' was.

I hated that it scared me so much after so long. I hated that I had to stop such a (up till that point) wonderful experience with the man I love. I hated that the bastard had control of me after so many months.

Honey pulled away, unsure of what to do. He didn't want to hurt me anymore, but asked what he should do to help me. I told him I just wanted to be held, very gently, like I would break. And he did so.

Since then, whenever I have a trigger, honey asks what needs to be done. He never assumes. He never gets frustrated.

 

[WillowPuss]

Since then, whenever I have a trigger, honey asks what needs to be done. He never assumes. He never gets frustrated.

Thank you for sharing that.

I sometimes think that Robuck has the patience of a saint as I still have triggers after almost 30 years!

I am so pleased your partner has the strength to do that for you.
(((hugs)))

 

[artful]

Vixen

Is there a typo in this sentence,...I am confused!

"Not that I have extensive experience with any BDSM, but I do enjoy being choked."

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Re: Vixen

Is there a typo in this sentence,...I am confused!

"Not that I have extensive experience with any BDSM, but I do enjoy being choked."

it was more that I enjoyed being choked before the rapist did it. And that it's something that since the rape, I have learned to love again....

But after the rape for a long while I could not endure choking (for obvious reasons).

 

[intrigued]

Well, another beautiful thread. Is there no end to the beauty in the people here? What you give to eachother, and what you have in your personal lives, just makes me weep with joy.

I am so touched that there are people in this world that can share this kind of intimacy, that have someone in their hearts to this degree and that are connected on a level I ache for.
Again, a ray of hope......and I thank you.