Just a pity-party. Ignore this thread if you don't like pity-party threads

[BlueDaisy]

The past few months have been majorly shitty. Long, long story, so I'll give the nutshell version.

Hubby wants a divorce. I was thinking we'd just do a trial separation to see how things go. But he thinks we're beyond that point and wants to divorce.

Hubby is retiring from the military at the end of this month. Our income will drop to about $1500 a month, before taxes and other things, such as life insurance premiums. We're facing bankruptcy.

We have houseguests who have stayed waaay beyond their welcome, but at the moment they have no where to go. She is looking (supposedly) for work. She is down here with us from up in east Texas. With her are 2 of her three teenage sons. Her ex is shitty and won't pay child support. We are supporting them financially. She does contribute her food stamps to help some. But we have been paying for some doctor visits and meds that medicare doesn't cover; eye exams and contact lenses AND glasses, not to mention her cigarettes he buys her. Hubby bought (put it on one of our credit cards, the one that wasn't maxed out yet) her a new laptop (a satellite one at that!) because her other one had too many problems and she needed one for when she gets a job. If that ever happens.

She and I have been very good friends for almost 18 years, but the events of the last few months (they've been with us since Memorial Day weekend) are turning us into enemies. Problem: hubby and she are great buddies. I don't think there is anything going on between them, but as they say, the wife is always the last to find out. I have told him more than once that I want her gone. He refuses to make her leave. She was welcome here by me at first, but things have changed since then. She has alienated my kids; they used to like her, now they hate her. She is an extreme "Type A" personality and then some. I'm the exact opposite. We can't carry on a civil conversation anymore, much less a friendly conversation.

Well, thanks to those of you who read the whole missive. I feel bad airing my dirty laundry here, but I guess I'm not the first one to do so. And I've gone past the nutshell version. Actually, that really is the nutshell version. To tell the whole story would take more time than any of you would want to sit and read. And if I typed it all out, my fingers would be down to nubs.

 

[JennyOmanHill]

This doesn't sound very good for you, and I just wanted to leave you a cyber (((((((BlueDaisy)))))))).

Not sure what to say, but at least there are folks here at LIT who will "listen".

Take care of YOURSELF.

 

[done_got_old]

I used to hear my grandmother say, "this too shall pass." It wasn't until I knocked on the doors of hell that I understood her.



What do you want most? If peace and happiness is it; try the trial separation, but understand it may be permanent.

Yes, the wife is always the last to know. I think there may be somthing going on between your husband and your friend.

If someone told you the story, what advice would you give? Take your own advice.

 

[BlueDaisy]

Thank you, Jenny and DGO. I'm about ready to give him the divorce just to get away from my "friend". But I'm hanging on my my fingertips...ain't no way she's getting my house, my bedroom (if there is indeed something going on between them).

What would I tell someone in my position? Hell if I know. It is hard to think of something like that when one is deep in the situation.

Thanks for the cyber hug, Jenny.

DGO...what do I want most? Well I'd like for my husband and I to fall in love with each other again, but unfortunately I don't see that happening any time soon,

 

[done_got_old]

Thank you, Jenny and DGO. I'm about ready to give him the divorce just to get away from my "friend". But I'm hanging on my my fingertips...ain't no way she's getting my house, my bedroom (if there is indeed something going on between them).

What would I tell someone in my position? Hell if I know. It is hard to think of something like that when one is deep in the situation.

Thanks for the cyber hug, Jenny.

DGO...what do I want most? Well I'd like for my husband and I to fall in love with each other again, but unfortunately I don't see that happening any time soon,

Jenny had it right. Take care of you!

If you're facing bankruptcy, she won't get the house anyway. If she's sleeping with your husband, she has the bedroom too.

After wanting to make your marriage work, what's 2nd on your list?

No matter how hard we try, we can't make another person love us. We can't change them. We can only change our reaction to them.

I haven't been a lot of help, I know. Hopefully someone who has been in a similar situation will read the thread and let you know that you aren't alone.

 

[BlueDaisy]

DGO, you are being helpful. You pointed out something I hadn't even really considered (what is it that I want). Other than falling in love with each other again, I don't know what I want next. I guess it would be to get my former friend the hell out of my house so I can enjoy it before we lose it.

Hubby and I both admit that we love each other, but we aren't "in love". We've lived like roommates for a few years now. We share a bed, but all we do is sleep in it.

 

[Missingmeds]

I don't have any advise to give at all.

But I do agree that you need to make some decisions about what it is that you want to do.

As to the friend, hand her the address for the nearest shelter and tell that you want her out by the end of the month.

I agree that something is likely going on between her self and hubby.

 

[TiberiusM]

Well, thanks to those of you who read the whole missive. I feel bad airing my dirty laundry here, but I guess I'm not the first one to do so. And I've gone past the nutshell version. Actually, that really is the nutshell version. To tell the whole story would take more time than any of you would want to sit and read. And if I typed it all out, my fingers would be down to nubs.

Whatever you do, don't give up your home! As for whether or not something is going on between hubby and friend, get an eviction notice for her and see if he stays or goes.

I wish you a quick resolution to this mess. Lord knows you deserve better than this!

TiberiusM
(Mik)

 

[done_got_old]

Re: Re: Just a pity-party. Ignore this thread if you don't like pity-party threads

Whatever you do, don't give up your home! As for whether or not something is going on between hubby and friend, get an eviction notice for her and see if he stays or goes.

I wish you a quick resolution to this mess. Lord knows you deserve better than this!

TiberiusM
(Mik)

In some jurisdictions you can't get an eviction notice (not sure that's the right term, but I think we all understand) unless both owners agree.

 

[Missingmeds]

Daisy, I think it all boils down to what you want. What will make you happy.

I agree with DGO that we can't make someone love us. But in my experience, when people are living in a pressure cooker, every facet of their life suffers. Especially their love life, and I mean that not in just the sense of their sex life.

 

[done_got_old]

Daisy, I think it all boils down to what you want. What will make you happy.

I agree with DGO that we can't make someone love us. But in my experience, when people are living in a pressure cooker, every facet of their life suffers. Especially their love life, and I mean that not in just the sense of their sex life.

You hit the nail on the head Missinmeds.

Sometimes our solution is there staring us in the face, but because it's not what we want, we ignore it.

I still say that we can't change others, we can only change ourselves. When we take others out of the equation, what can we do for our own sanity?

 

[fille]

I think you should definitely give your friend (if she is your friend) a definite deadline (soon) by which she must move out of your house. Even if she isn't involved with your husband, it's not right for you to be having to support her and her sons when you are in such terrible financial trouble yourself. So, you don't have to say "I'm kicking you out because you might be screwing my husband." You should simply tell her that your own problems have become so great that you can barely handle them, and that you can no longer afford to continue supporting her. Give her two weeks.

As for your husband and your financial problems, you need to get some help. You might try counseling - there are many organizations that provide low cost or even free counseling for those who can't afford to pay. There are also financial counseling organizations that might help you figure out how to stop the bleeding. You also need a lawyer - call your local bar association and ask them for a referral to a legal aid organization.

 

[Missingmeds]

Very good suggestions fille.

 

[Mskey]

DGO said it just right hun, sometimes the answer is looking right at us, but if it's not the answer we want we just can't see it.

Your friend needs to move out asap. I had friends who were just supposed to be staying with us for a few days while the husband found work, but before I blinked the couple and their two daughters were there with us for three long months. In those three months we fed them, housed them, lent them money, our car, clothes, you name it and they contrtibuted diddly squat! We were living paycheck to paycheck at the time ourselves and so eventually I had no choice but to set a date in stone and stick to it. I felt awful as I watched them pull away from our place but suprisingly enough when faced with no other options they were able to pull their proverbial shit together and had an apartment and jobs within a week. I can only hope your" friend" will fare as well.
The fact that your husband seems reluctant to make her go makes me also think that there is something going on between them.

With regards to the divorce situation all I can say is that both parties have to want to stay in order to avoid that and it sounds as if he's done trying.

I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts hun!
(((( Daisy))))

 

[done_got_old]

The fact that your husband seems reluctant to make her go makes me also think that there is something going on between them.

[/B]

The problem with the friend leaving is the husband. I don't think telling the friend will help as long as she knows he wants her there.

Hugs Daisy!

 

[tonitits]

Daisy, you have received some really good suggestions here and like they all say... Take care of yourself, figure out what YOU want/need and then pray very hard about it. I do agree with everyone here the friend has to go. It seems to me that if she was a true friend that she would leave on her own seeing that it is causing you financial problems as well as problem with the marriage. And believe me she should be able to see that. You can try to hide things for awhile, but by what you said in your comments she definitely knows that there is problem with her and you and your kids. I hope everything works out for you. Hang in there sweetie. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and ask God to show you what you need to get through all of this.

((((((((((((Daisy)))))))))))))

 

[BlueDaisy]

Thanks to all of you for your concern and advice.

Right now I'm in a bind. I feel like I've lost the trump card I had (calling the cops because she had a warrant out for her arrest, supposedly (DUI). I guess it was true, as she went last night and turned herself in,. She was using that warrant as a reason she wasn't able to do much job searching....background checks, et. Hubby tells me that now that she is in the process of getting that taken care of she can now go job hunting full-force. God, I hope so. We are so broke it ain't funny. And hubby has had his last regular paycheck. As of Dec. 1 his income goes from around 37k a year down to 1500 a month, before taxes, etc. He is retiring from the air force. We are facing filing for bankruptcy, which I aboslutely hate even thinking about, because when we incurred the debts we have, we had every intention of paying for everything we purchased.

My "friend" and I need to sit down and talk, but she blames me for all the crap going on here, and I blame her. What a catch 22. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I just want her and one of her kids out; he is one of the most smart ass mouthy little bastards I've ever met. And he's just 15. I hate to think what he'll be like in a few years.

After loving this woman as a sister for almost 18 years, we have come to this. I want her the fuck out of my house. She made a comment the other day that was the last straw,. The one that broke this camel's back. Right now the only thing I feel towards her is contempt. And that makes me very sad since up until the time she came to stay with us, we were very good friends.

Ok....I guess that is enough pity partying for tonight.

I really do appreciate all the comments and good wishes/prayers/etc.

Maybe next time I visit this thread I'll have something good to say....such as "she's gone!" but I'm not holding my breath,.

Itis sleepy time for me now. I hope you all have pleasant nights.

 

[tonitits]

Thanks to all of you for your concern and advice.

Right now I'm in a bind. I feel like I've lost the trump card I had (calling the cops because she had a warrant out for her arrest, supposedly (DUI). I guess it was true, as she went last night and turned herself in,. She was using that warrant as a reason she wasn't able to do much job searching....background checks, et. Hubby tells me that now that she is in the process of getting that taken care of she can now go job hunting full-force. God, I hope so. We are so broke it ain't funny. And hubby has had his last regular paycheck. As of Dec. 1 his income goes from around 37k a year down to 1500 a month, before taxes, etc. He is retiring from the air force. We are facing filing for bankruptcy, which I aboslutely hate even thinking about, because when we incurred the debts we have, we had every intention of paying for everything we purchased.

My "friend" and I need to sit down and talk, but she blames me for all the crap going on here, and I blame her. What a catch 22. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I just want her and one of her kids, one of the most smart ass mouthy little bastards I've ever met. And he's just 15. I hate to think what he'll be like in a few years.

After loving this woman as a sister for almost 18 years, we have come to this. I want her the fuck out of my house. She made a comment the other day that was the last straw,. The one that broke this camel's back. Right now the only thing I feel towards her is contempt. And that makes me very sad since up until the time she came to stay with us, we were very good friends.

Ok....I guess that is enough pity partying for tonight.

I really do appreciate all the comments and good wishes/prayers/etc.

Maybe next time I visit this thread I'll have something good to say....such as "she's gone!" but I'm not holding my breath,.

Itis sleepy time for me now. I hope you all have pleasant nights.

(((((((((((((Daisy)))))))))))))) I hope that everything works out for you. I have included a poem that I read from time to time that might help with your feelings you have for your friend. Hope it helps some.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When
You
Figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need
You have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with
Guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or
Spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the
Reason
You need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or an inconvenient time,
This
Person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or
Out
And force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire
Fulfilled;
Their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is
Now Time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn
Has
Come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of
Peace or Make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.





Believe it! It is real! But...only for a season.





LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you
Must
Build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is
To
Accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you
Have
Learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.





It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.





Thank you for being a part of my life. May God hold you in the palm of
His
Hand and Angels watch over you.

 

[BlueDaisy]

Thank you, toni. I'll have to print that out and read it...many times.

{{{{toni}}}}

 

[No.1Pinklady]

This is will not be the popular answer

I know that there are a lot of people that will disagree with me. but I think you should pack you stuff and let them have the house, the bills and the bankrupcy. If he won't put her out, and he knows that you all are strapped for cash, his buying her an expensive gift says it all, you may want his love, but you deserve his respect. Being a military wife has to be hard in itself, but for things to have disnegrated to this point, you have more than doen your duty. Your friend has no respect for yorur either and as things go on your children may start to feel the same way. Deadlines are not going to work, she is not leaving, he is not changing. Find a true friend, a family member, someone who will let you spend a few days at thier place, get up one morning, pack the suitcase put it in the car, talk to YOUR KIDS, and don't look back. My mother told me you can do bad all by yourself. I know that leaving your kids will be tough, I have been there. My ex was screwing the next door neighbor, I set a deadline for us to move and the affair to end, it didn't so for my self-respect and sanity, I walked. A year later, she realized she had not really won a prize worth keeping, his relationship with out kids was falling apart, and that of the adults in the mess we had created, I was the only one who seemed to be making progress.

Just my two-cents worth, after surviving my own pity parties.

 

[LustfulOne50]

Dear BlueDaisy

I haven't read all the posting ..I hate say.

I wold guess there was a laundry of things to do.

1. like confront your friend (ex)
2. find a way to get your husband off his can and take charge before it wrecks everything.
etc etc etc

But I am a exhusband who was told very coldly by his now exwife " That I haven't loved you for 22 out 24 years and your only a meal ticket...YOU GOT THAT"!! It only took 5 years after a marriage counslor to understand that it was completely over. We seperated to devorce . now I feel better with life..and no will suck it out of me again. If you think about a clean break lt ways leads to new opportunities. So, BlueDaisy if it can't be fixed take a break and don't get yourself sick and remember the only who will take care of you is you.

I wish much luck and a happy future

 

[BlueDaisy]

PinkLady and Lustful One,
thanks for your posts and thoughtful comments. I appreciate them very much.

I have moved out of the house, taking our 11 year old son with me. I have an apartment with some friends and their 2 year old son, and one of my 18 year old daughters (her twin sister remains with their father). It won't be easy making ends meet on my half of his retirement pay from the military, but I'll do the best I can. When he gets a job, he is going to give me the rest of his retirement pay for child support. I've already told him that. He isn't happy with the idea, but agrees that if he is working he really won't need it.

I have not spoken with my former friend who still resides in my home with my husband. I saw her once when I went back to the house to pick some things up and said hi to her. She ignored me and went upstairs to "her" room.

Get this...she wants the master bedroom for herself, since she has a room full of large furniture pieces, and has others in the garage, plus electronics, etc she wants to get out. Yeah, right. I told him under NO circumstances is she to have that room. I'll move back into the house if he lets her have it, just to get her out of my friggin' bedroom. I don't care what she or anyone else thinks...it is STILL MY house. My name is on the mortgage, not hers. I told him I'd call my step-niece back (who will act as my lawyer if I need her to; this isn't her legal specialty, but she wants to help me out) and WILL have the "friend" evicted. He knows I'll do it, too. I ought to go ahead and do it. I'm considering it.

I hate the idea of my house being forclosed on and my husband being forced out (along with our daughter). Hopefully he will get a job first and can get an apartment before that happens. But if it means getting her out of my house, then so be it.

I never knew I had the capacity for feeling so vengeful!

 

[No.1Pinklady]

PinkLady and Lustful One,
thanks for your posts and thoughtful comments. I appreciate them very much.

I have moved out of the house, taking our 11 year old son with me. I have an apartment with some friends and their 2 year old son, and one of my 18 year old daughters (her twin sister remains with their father). It won't be easy making ends meet on my half of his retirement pay from the military, but I'll do the best I can. When he gets a job, he is going to give me the rest of his retirement pay for child support. I've already told him that. He isn't happy with the idea, but agrees that if he is working he really won't need it.

I have not spoken with my former friend who still resides in my home with my husband. I saw her once when I went back to the house to pick some things up and said hi to her. She ignored me and went upstairs to "her" room.

Get this...she wants the master bedroom for herself, since she has a room full of large furniture pieces, and has others in the garage, plus electronics, etc she wants to get out. Yeah, right. I told him under NO circumstances is she to have that room. I'll move back into the house if he lets her have it, just to get her out of my friggin' bedroom. I don't care what she or anyone else thinks...it is STILL MY house. My name is on the mortgage, not hers. I told him I'd call my step-niece back (who will act as my lawyer if I need her to; this isn't her legal specialty, but she wants to help me out) and WILL have the "friend" evicted. He knows I'll do it, too. I ought to go ahead and do it. I'm considering it.

I hate the idea of my house being forclosed on and my husband being forced out (along with our daughter). Hopefully he will get a job first and can get an apartment before that happens. But if it means getting her out of my house, then so be it.

I never knew I had the capacity for feeling so vengeful!

We all have the ablitity to crave revenge, the decision to act on it is up to the individual. I am glad to hear that you found some place to stay while you sort this out.

 

[BlueDaisy]

We all have the ablitity to crave revenge, the decision to act on it is up to the individual. I am glad to hear that you found some place to stay while you sort this out.

Yep, I guess so.

Thanks....I'm glad I've got someplace, too. And I'm considering changing that place back to my home. Get this....he said that he couldn't stand the memories of "us" in our bedroom, so he moved to a different room. Guess who is in MY bedroom now? Yep. The bitch. I gave him notice: if she isn't out of our house by Jan. 21st, I'm calling my lawyer on the 22nd. I've had it.

If it wouldn't be upsetting to our son, I'd move back to the house for a few days. Well, they wouldn't have to know it was just going to be for a short time. I'd get hubby back into our bedroom, get the bitch out, then move back to the apartment I'm in now. But, since I have a child to consider here, I'll just have to be content with knowing that she will be out later this month...or hubby will have a big expense to pay if my lawyer has to go to work on the case. I hope she doesn't try to call my bluff because hubby can't afford it and neither can she.