Just a few ?'s [if u dont mind]

[Snazzona]

Hi. In the BDSM world there are many myths or misconceptions that are percieved by people that aren't in this lifestyle. So if you don't mind perhaps you could indulge me and answer TRUE or FALSE on the following statements. Feel free to elaborate on any statement.

1] BDSM lifestyle is all about pain & control.
2] BDSM is an unchristian lifestyle.
3] BDSM is not love-it's about humiliating another.
4] BDSM is sexual slavery.
5] BDSM is about the dominant one's pleasure only.
6] BDSM does include spanking by hand.
7] BDSM includes one person being unfulfilled sexually.
8] BDSM leads to 3somes, orgies or swinging.

These are some of the things I have heard over and over when trying to discuss this subject with others. Not that I believe anything, I like to try to listen to all sides of an issue but in this case, since this is not the *norm* way of having sex - I find that if I wasn't the type of person I am as far as looking at all sides, I certainly could have been put off very easily from exploring this side of sex. But as you see I am here reading, learning and asking questions on this lifestyle because it interests me & mine alot. I like being able to go to the ones who know. The ones that are or have been into BDSM. Thank you ahead of time for any replies.

 

[WillowPuss]

1] BDSM lifestyle is all about pain & control.
2] BDSM is an unchristian lifestyle.
3] BDSM is not love-it's about humiliating another.
4] BDSM is sexual slavery.
5] BDSM is about the dominant one's pleasure only.
6] BDSM does include spanking by hand.
7] BDSM includes one person being unfulfilled sexually.
8] BDSM leads to 3somes, orgies or swinging.

Snazz, I can only answer from my own personal point of view.
My answers will probably differ from answers given by another.
Sometimes, there is not a simple true/false answer ...

1] BDSM lifestyle is all about pain & control. false

2] BDSM is an unchristian lifestyle. false I truly believe mine isn't.

3] BDSM is not love-it's about humiliating another. false Mine isn't ... but I suppose it could be if that is what the participants want.

4] BDSM is sexual slavery. false Mine isn't, but ...

5] BDSM is about the dominant one's pleasure only. false

6] BDSM does include spanking by hand. false Mine does but only because we want it to.

7] BDSM includes one person being unfulfilled sexually. false It doesn't in our relationship.

8] BDSM leads to 3somes, orgies or swinging. false It doesn't have to ... but it might if that is what both want.


I have probably confused you further ... but, from what I have found from all the reading I have been doing on this forum and from the links to other sites ... the rule of thumb seems to be ... there are no rules apart from the SSC one.

 

[cellis]

Hi. In the BDSM world there are many myths or misconceptions that are percieved by people that aren't in this lifestyle. So if you don't mind perhaps you could indulge me and answer TRUE or FALSE on the following statements. Feel free to elaborate on any statement.

1] BDSM lifestyle is all about pain & control.
2] BDSM is an unchristian lifestyle.
3] BDSM is not love-it's about humiliating another.
4] BDSM is sexual slavery.
5] BDSM is about the dominant one's pleasure only.
6] BDSM does include spanking by hand.
7] BDSM includes one person being unfulfilled sexually.
8] BDSM leads to 3somes, orgies or swinging.

These are some of the things I have heard over and over when trying to discuss this subject with others. Not that I believe anything, I like to try to listen to all sides of an issue but in this case, since this is not the *norm* way of having sex - I find that if I wasn't the type of person I am as far as looking at all sides, I certainly could have been put off very easily from exploring this side of sex. But as you see I am here reading, learning and asking questions on this lifestyle because it interests me & mine alot. I like being able to go to the ones who know. The ones that are or have been into BDSM. Thank you ahead of time for any replies.

I am just wondering if you have bothered to read many of the threads on this board?

For every question you pose there are equal and opposing answers. That is what makes BDSM what it is.

For some all of the answers will be false, for others they may all be true.

 

[WriterDom]

7] BDSM includes one person being unfulfilled sexually.

only when the one person doesn't have a partner.

 

[Sandia]

Just a few ?'s [if u dont mind]

BDSM includes (IMHO):

People who go to play parties, and play with people they perhaps don't even know.

People who never play at all, except inside their marriage.

People use soft satin clothes to tie each other up.

People who use whips, and leave ugly looking marks. (Ed. to add: or beautiful marks...)

People who are not submissive or dominant at all, except inside the bedroom

People who are submissive or dominant all the time, regardless of where they are.

People who've had hundreds of partners.

People who've never had sex at all.

People who would never use the word slave, with someone that they love.

People who would only use the word slave with someone that they love.

People who live 24/7 relationships.

People who don't get a chance to indulge their fantasies as often as they'd like.

IMHO.

Sandia.

 

[cymbidia]

Yeh.
What they said.

cym
(who is way way way too tired to come up with anything of substance to add to this, and besides, they all did a marvelous job.)

 

[Snazzona]

Re: Re: Just a few ?'s [if u dont mind]

I am just wondering if you have bothered to read many of the threads on this board?

For every question you pose there are equal and opposing answers. That is what makes BDSM what it is.

For some all of the answers will be false, for others they may all be true.

In answer to your wondering, of course I have read the many threads of this board but I do believe that I can still post questions can't I? Just by reading this board I have gotten a better insight to this subject.

I have come to the conclusion that it is all about choices. What a person will or will not allow or do. But I'm wondering why this side of sex has its own category. I mean in most sex the people involved experiment to a certain degree and from that comes the limits therefore why is there a *seperate* category for it?

The 2nd comment I don't follow. What makes BDSM what it is? Different views on how a person feels about it or what?

Naturally there will be some that answer false and some will answer true. By asking those questions I get a feel for what the majority thinks. That helps me. I'm learning by asking questions. Exchanging pov's and opinions on this subject is what a message board represents to me.

 

[cellis]

Of course Snazz, you are welcome to post questions. I was just wondering about the questions that you posted. I think in retrospect, several of them pushed a few buttons, only because it seemed to me that they were on the judgemental side. This is just my own opinion, of course.

As far as the second statement... I truly believe that there is no BDSM formula. You know for me it is all about the individuality of the people involved in the relationship.

 

[MLadyPain]

1] BDSM lifestyle is all about pain & control.
2] BDSM is an unchristian lifestyle.
3] BDSM is not love-it's about humiliating another.
4] BDSM is sexual slavery.
5] BDSM is about the dominant one's pleasure only.
6] BDSM does include spanking by hand.
7] BDSM includes one person being unfulfilled sexually.
8] BDSM leads to 3somes, orgies or swinging.

From my viewpoint, from the way I live my lifestyle:

1) false, its about pleasure, enjoyment, and the embracing of one's self, its about being open and honest, its about communication, its about acceptance

2) false, I know quite a few christian lifestylers. I believe there is a christians group for men called "promise keepers", that advocates a marriage based on certain principles that are an awful lot like some bdsm beliefs. And I've had more than a few Wiccan/Pagan types give me grief about my involvement in bdsm too

3) false, humiliation is a hard limit for me. Its about trying to be the most open & honest me I can be... ie, the BEST me I can be. Honor and dignity play a big part in the bdsm scene

4) false, that is just one aspect of bdsm. I rarely have sexual scenes.

5) false, if I didn't enjoy and get some pleasure out of bottoming, I certainly would not be doing it

6) true, again that is just one aspect of bdsm

7) not neccesarily, sometimes sexual frustration is part of the scene. It can heighten the tension and arousal level of the partnership. And again, not all play sexually. BDSM is not just another way to have sex, its more mental, spiritual, psychological than that.. for me anyway

8) false, I am soooo not into swinging. The areas can overlap but its not a given. Again, it comes back to bdsm not just being a sexual activity (see 7 above).

good questions, made me think too much too early in the morning LOL
MLP

 

[SpectreT]

Hi. In the BDSM world there are many myths or misconceptions that are percieved by people that aren't in this lifestyle. So if you don't mind perhaps you could indulge me and answer TRUE or FALSE on the following statements. Feel free to elaborate on any statement.

1] BDSM lifestyle is all about pain & control.

False. It is about control, in so many ways, but it's not always about pain. The control aspect includes self-control. It'a also about self-knowledge, self-understanding, and alertness and awareness of others. It teaches one to be better attuned to one's partner. It's about (Kurt Angle, forgive me for swiping your tag line) Intensity, Integrity, & Intelligence. (So much of this comes in threes; Safe, Sane, Consentual; Dom, Sub, Switch...)

2] BDSM is an unchristian lifestyle.

False. Nowhere in the Bible is the BDSM lifestyle even labeled as a sin, nor is it ever specifically prohibited. Sexually, a "good christian" should keep it between himself and his spouse, like any other sex play, if that's all it is to them.

3] BDSM is not love-it's about humiliating another.

False. Imprimus, anything which compromises my dignity and self-respect (i.e.; staking me out in the front yard dressed in a french maid costume for the neighbors to laugh at) is strictly off limits. Secundus, the exchange of power is an act of love and respect. Love and respect which flow both ways in the relationship. The expressions of that love and respect take on different forms, but they're there, and powerful.

4] BDSM is sexual slavery.

False. And True. Depends on who it is. I'm sure plenty of people have desires to be another's fuck toy, but other people are almost pathological about keeping sexuality out of their BDSM. (reminds me ot those old Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Commercials: "You got your Sex in my BDSM! You got your BDSM all over my Sex!" )

5] BDSM is about the dominant one's pleasure only.

False. Though a submissive's pleasure may stem from pleasing their dominant - and again, I'm not just talking about sex - they are there to receive something too. I'd not be a Switch, if submission were not something which brings me pleasure.

6] BDSM does include spanking by hand.

False. And True. It varies from individual to individual. Just because spankings are a huge turn-on for me, doesn't mean that someone else has to play that way. For some, BDSM does not even involve physical contact of any sort, though that's mostly the 'DS' piece of the three ways to break down BDSM to describe the activities beneath it's umbrella.

7] BDSM includes one person being unfulfilled sexually.

See my answer to 4] , above...

8] BDSM leads to 3somes, orgies or swinging.

Patently false, and kind of rediculous. That's like saying masturbation causes Multiple Personality Disorder. True, it's part of the way some people play, but I wouldn't call it an inevitable conclusion. I'm thinking that myth stems from "Play Parties", though I've never been to one to say.

These are some of the things I have heard over and over when trying to discuss this subject with others. Not that I believe anything, I like to try to listen to all sides of an issue but in this case, since this is not the *norm* way of having sex - I find that if I wasn't the type of person I am as far as looking at all sides, I certainly could have been put off very easily from exploring this side of sex. But as you see I am here reading, learning and asking questions on this lifestyle because it interests me & mine alot. I like being able to go to the ones who know. The ones that are or have been into BDSM. Thank you ahead of time for any replies.

Good for you, thinking for yourself! I'm sure many would agree with me, the world has far too many "sheeple" (Thanks, Todd! love that word! ) already.

(edited to catch a few spelling errors I found. There may be more I missed.)

 

[Sandia]

Re: Re: Re: Just a few ?'s [if u dont mind]

I have come to the conclusion that it is all about choices. What a person will or will not allow or do. But I'm wondering why this side of sex has its own category. I mean in most sex the people involved experiment to a certain degree and from that comes the limits therefore why is there a *seperate* category for it?

Snazz, are you asking why BDSM has a separate category? Please clarify. It seems like an interesting question to me.

 

[Sandia]

Re: Re: Just a few ?'s [if u dont mind]

3) false, humiliation is a hard limit for me. Its about trying to be the most open & honest me I can be... ie, the BEST me I can be. Honor and dignity play a big part in the bdsm scene

MLP

MLP, would you be willing to share what you mean when you use the word "humiliation" here? I'm very curious.

 

[Snazzona]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Just a few ?'s [if u dont mind]

Snazz, are you asking why BDSM has a separate category? Please clarify. It seems like an interesting question to me.

Shoot, now I have to figure out a way to try to explain what I mean by a *seperate* category. Here goes nothing

Anal play deals strictly with doing sexual things with the butt.
So it has its own category but BDSM deals with a low level of pain such as spanking up to full grade sexual slavery. It encompasses so much that just wonder why it is a seperate category. Because BDSM deals with such a wide range of items I don't really see why its labeled as such. I mean why isn't it broke down into its own categories such as domination/submissive play or spanking play or bondage play? Why is it all lumped together?

Hard to put into words what I'm trying to ask. But I tried. Hopefully you all can grasp what I'm trying to express. Either that or you're mindreaders. LOL

 

[MLadyPain]

Re: Re: Re: Just a few ?'s [if u dont mind]

MLP, would you be willing to share what you mean when you use the word "humiliation" here? I'm very curious.

hmm...for me humiliation is... just about anything that can makes me feel ashamed or degrades me.

I may do something outrageous but if I can keep face or laugh at myself thats ok. Its when I'm directed to some task or activity that makes me look like a fool that I draw the line.

Examples:
*I posted on another thread about a male friend buying me my first lap dance and how embarrassed I was... that was ok, he knew I really wanted one from that women but that I was too shy/flustered/awe-struck to accept. It was done with my best interest at heart, he wanted me to experience something he felt I would truly enjoy.

*My ex master liked me to go without a bra. I am a bbw with large breast. I'm 37, they ain't up where they used to be. To me, nothing is tackier than a women who needs a bra, without one in certain situations. Even though I explained my distaste and how un-attractive I felt, I was forbidden to wear a bra to a certain event (scene related). My shirt was not the best choice, it was very obvious I was bra-less. I felt stupid, ugly, and like a piece of white trash. My ex did that specifically to make me feel bad.

*A friend always wants to pick me up and twirl me around. I feel like it makes me look foolish, that he doesn't take me seriously. He sees it as an expression of his joy in my presence. We are actually negotiating this.

hope this helps,
MLP

 

[Sandia]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just a few ?'s [if u dont mind]

Shoot, now I have to figure out a way to try to explain what I mean by a *seperate* category. Here goes nothing

Anal play deals strictly with doing sexual things with the butt.
So it has its own category but BDSM deals with a low level of pain such as spanking up to full grade sexual slavery. It encompasses so much that just wonder why it is a seperate category. Because BDSM deals with such a wide range of items I don't really see why its labeled as such. I mean why isn't it broke down into its own categories such as domination/submissive play or spanking play or bondage play? Why is it all lumped together?

Hard to put into words what I'm trying to ask. But I tried. Hopefully you all can grasp what I'm trying to express. Either that or you're mindreaders. LOL

Not mindreaders, at least I'm not; but I think you did a wonderful job of posing the question. I don't have an answer for you, but I do think it's a good question.

I also think there's a wide range that's covered by BDSM. And I wish there was better language for describing the differences. It would be helpful when people are trying to talk about it. Is that part of what you mean?

 

[Sandia]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Just a few ?'s [if u dont mind]

hmm...for me humiliation is... just about anything that can makes me feel ashamed or degrades me.

I may do something outrageous but if I can keep face or laugh at myself thats ok. Its when I'm directed to some task or activity that makes me look like a fool that I draw the line.

Examples:
*I posted on another thread about a male friend buying me my first lap dance and how embarrassed I was... that was ok, he knew I really wanted one from that women but that I was too shy/flustered/awe-struck to accept. It was done with my best interest at heart, he wanted me to experience something he felt I would truly enjoy.

*My ex master liked me to go without a bra. I am a bbw with large breast. I'm 37, they ain't up where they used to be. To me, nothing is tackier than a women who needs a bra, without one in certain situations. Even though I explained my distaste and how un-attractive I felt, I was forbidden to wear a bra to a certain event (scene related). My shirt was not the best choice, it was very obvious I was bra-less. I felt stupid, ugly, and like a piece of white trash. My ex did that specifically to make me feel bad.

*A friend always wants to pick me up and twirl me around. I feel like it makes me look foolish, that he doesn't take me seriously. He sees it as an expression of his joy in my presence. We are actually negotiating this.

hope this helps,
MLP

Thank you, MLP, for being so open. I'm gonna ask some more questions, though, if you don't mind.

Is spanking humiliation?
What about being called names ("slave," "slut," etc.)?
Calling someone Sir or Mistress?
Wearing a collar, or a leash?
Kissing someone else's feet?
Anal sex?
What if your ex master had had you wear something you felt sexy in, but was much more revealing than what you'd like to wear in public? Would you have felt different about it then?

Thank you again for answering. I hope you don't mind I'm pressing the issue. I'm really curious about what people mean when the use the word "humiliation."

--Sandia.

 

[cellis]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just a few ?'s [if u dont mind]

Thank you, MLP, for being so open. I'm gonna ask some more questions, though, if you don't mind.

Is spanking humiliation?
What about being called names ("slave," "slut," etc.)?
Calling someone Sir or Mistress?
Wearing a collar, or a leash?
Kissing someone else's feet?
Anal sex?
What if your ex master had had you wear something you felt sexy in, but was much more revealing than what you'd like to wear in public? Would you have felt different about it then?

Thank you again for answering. I hope you don't mind I'm pressing the issue. I'm really curious about what people mean when the use the word "humiliation."

--Sandia.

Sandia I don't see this question as pressing the issue of humiliation. It is something that some members of our community seek. I am not really one of those that seek this, but sometimes what one thinks is erotic and exciting another views as humiliation.

Case in point... Himself had taken some photos of me including some with my breasts exposed. When he saw them he insisted that I use a particular one as an AV here. He did not understand that I am not particularly pleased with my body and felt that the photo made me look less than attractive. We discussed this at length. I know that the choice is always mine to say no or yes. But it was not until he said that he thought me beautiful and wanted others to see what was his that I could post the AV.

I don't really know about name calling because other than "pet" or "slub", he never uses any of those terms with me.

Spanking is never humiliation for me... it is all about foreplay... I need it and crave it and Himself knows this.

Calling him "Sir" or "Master" is something that pleases him. It costs me nothing. I know how others feel, but for me it is a gift I give to him, just as my submission is a gift.

Nothing humiliation about wearing a collar or leash for me... it is all part of the play.

Do you know how erotic it is to have someone kiss and lick your feet and suck your toes... A big time turn on for both of us... Oh yeah!

There is nothing humiliating to me about anal sex.... really women have more nerve endings there than in the vagina... if you could only feel what we feel...

Just last night I was told to wear something slutty... and I chose something that I would normally not wear in public with out a sweater over it... but it made him happy... and like MLP, being ten years older than she is and a BBW, nothing is where is was 20 years ago... I did as he asked, again because it pleased him and it pleases me to please him.

These are just my thoughts and opinions...

 

[SpectreT]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just a few ?'s [if u dont mind]

Thank you, MLP, for being so open. I'm gonna ask some more questions, though, if you don't mind.

Is spanking humiliation?
What about being called names ("slave," "slut," etc.)?
Calling someone Sir or Mistress?
Wearing a collar, or a leash?
Kissing someone else's feet?
Anal sex?
What if your ex master had had you wear something you felt sexy in, but was much more revealing than what you'd like to wear in public? Would you have felt different about it then?

Thank you again for answering. I hope you don't mind I'm pressing the issue. I'm really curious about what people mean when the use the word "humiliation."

--Sandia.

I know I wasn't invited, but I've often described "Humiliation" as a hard limit of mine, so I'll jump in, as well.

It's all about "face". Dignity and self-respect. Certain public displays are right out. Anything which is likely to result in unfavorable public notice or ridicule is also verboten. To me, my distaste for honorifics and titles has little to do with my distaste for humiliation. I don't see them as related, except in terms of public notice, as above.

Spanking? One of my favorites. Not humiliating, with the exception of the publicity rule, noted above.

Anal sex? Sounds like fun to me. She can bring the strapon, I'll bring the KY!

Clothing? No one, and I mean NO ONE, wants to see me in anything more revealing than a golf shirt and a pair of slacks. Trust me on this.

 

[MLadyPain]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just a few ?'s [if u dont mind]

Thank you, MLP, for being so open. I'm gonna ask some more questions, though, if you don't mind.

Is spanking humiliation?
What about being called names ("slave," "slut," etc.)?
Calling someone Sir or Mistress?
Wearing a collar, or a leash?
Kissing someone else's feet?
Anal sex?
What if your ex master had had you wear something you felt sexy in, but was much more revealing than what you'd like to wear in public? Would you have felt different about it then?

I think Cellis and Sprectre got it the idea. Humiliation is defined by different people, by the situation and by the act. Its going to be different things for different people.

spanking, generally, isn't humiliation to me... if it were done, say publically in a vanilla setting, not only would it humiliate me, it would piss me off and somebody is going to lose an arm lol

being called names isn't a favorite of mine, close to my definition of humiliation... but! sometimes in a scene they have a place and can add to scene. I rarely use them when I'm topping.

I'm not going to call anybody by a title unless I really respect that person... I use Sir or Ma'am as general curtesy, but Master and Mistress, those are titles of honor and you have to bust ass to earn that. I don't even let folks I top call me Ma'am, usually I ask them to call me Miss, or M'Lady if they are really special to me

I've worn both, as long as the situation is appropriate its ok. I would never, ever ask that of a partner except at a scene event or when in private. As a matter of fact, a partner that I have now has a lovely chain mail collar he only wears in my house, when we're alone. Its all he can handle and I can't ask anymore than that.

I'm ok with kissing feet, again depending on the situation... I'm not going to do it in McDonalds LOL

anal sex... I think part of the appeal is the slight humiliation of the positions... I enjoy both giving and receiving... one partner likes to be on his back, part of the thrill is seeing me, of knowing who is doing this to him... for me I like to be on hands & knees, the not knowing makes it thrilling

as for the too revealing attire... I am a staunch believer in Safe, Sane, & Consentual... to wear something too revealing out in a vanilla situation is ok, only if you get the consent from every single person you might come across, and that ain't going to happen. My personal taste in fetish wear is more contained and restrained, the hint is more appealing than the bear flesh, but that is just me. I don't give a damn who finds me sexy, if "I" don't feel sexy, I am not sexy - period!

geesh, am I switch or what???? LOL
MLP

 

[Sandia]

Alright, here's what I want to say about this: we need another word!

And btw, thank you, T, MLP, and cellis, for posting. I appreciate your responses to the question that I asked.

But I can't help but have the feeling y'all are using humiliation as meaning something like forms of submissive play that (a) I don't like and (b) are degrading or embarrassing.

In fact, I've almost got the impression there's a feeling that if you like it that means by definition it is not humiliating.

This is not how I've ever thought of it in relation to BDSM, but I've come to see that this definition may be common. So now I'm looking for another one.

Any suggestions?

Or am I way off track here?

Please help!
Sandia.

 

[WriterDom]

I've never talked to a submissive who was into or would put up with humiliation. It's more prevalant among Domme- male sub relationships. Just out of curiousity I did a yahoo search on (bdsm, humiliation) 15 of the 16 web sites it returned were FemDom pages. Perhaps even the 16th was, I couldn't tell from the intro and didn't open it.

I didn't check the web pages. It returned over 22,000.

And I'm not saying ALL male subs are into humiliation.

 

[MLadyPain]

This is not how I've ever thought of it in relation to BDSM, but I've come to see that this definition may be common.

It might help if you define your meaning for Humiliation.

How do you think of it in terms of BDSM?

inquiring minds want to know
MLP

 

[SpectreT]

Let me turn it around for a minute..

How do you define "humiliation", Sandia? For me, like I said, it's public degradation that crosses the line.

It seems to be important to you that the word "humiliation" be associated with fun activities that won't cost you your seat in the Chamber of Commerce, or whatever, so I'm curious, and not challenging in a mean way, just really really curious, how do you define humiliation?

 

[SpectreT]

7] BDSM includes one person being unfulfilled sexually.

only when the one person doesn't have a partner.

I can't believe I missed this on my first read-through. WD wins the Belated Beverage Spew (BBS) award!

 

[James Blandings]

My thoughts about humiliation.
Remember that we are talking about humiliation PLAY as part of a SSC BDSM situation. Deliberately hurting someone emotionally is not any different than hurting them physically, if anything, it is worse. Look at humiliation in BDSM in comparison to really making someone feel bad about themselves as being the same as the difference between an erotic spanking and really just beating someone up.
When humiliation play is done right, in a caring way, it will be very affirming after the scene ends, because it can be cathartic. The thing is to understand the person you are playing with so that you can know which buttons to push that will turn them on with erotic embarrassment, and which will just cause distress. For example, calling a fem sub a slut can be liberating for her, because it allows her to mentally play around with her own fantasies of sluttishness. On the other hand, calling her fat is likely only going to piss her off.
In a way, because you can play with issues safely, you diffuse them and being humiliated about something in scene becomes a reassurance that it is OK out of scene.