just a description...

[wildsweetone]

something i read this morning, and i've read a lot and now can't remember who said what, stopped me in my tracks.

i have a poem sitting beside me that i was going to include in one of the challenge threads but i've just realised, it is just a description. nothing happens, nobody is involved in anything. it's simply a description.

i know we all have our preferences for what we'd prefer to read but is a poem that is based solely on just a description likely to be less interesting than one that contains human movement?

 

[BooMerengue]

Show. Don't tell. Or ask. Place it here and lets see it. Now.








*smile

Hi babe!

 

[wildsweetone]

hey sweet lady!

are you saying 'It depends!?

lol

 

[WickedEve]

I agree with The Boo.
I want to see it.

 

[Guest]

Me too.

 

[annaswirls]

come on baby show us the movement



ps it might have been me-- I have been on a "I am bored with mere description" kick lately. If I want description, I will go to an art museum. I want a poem to walk all over me. Hard.

 

[Guest]

come on baby show us the movement



ps it might have been me-- I have been on a "I am bored with mere description" kick lately. If I want description, I will go to an art museum. I want a poem to walk all over me. Hard.

Wearing Doc Martens?

 

[annaswirls]

Wearing Doc Martens?

you sure do know how to inspire a fetish, girly.

I think you changed my husband forever with that whatcha lookin at av you have with the pink panties

lol!

 

[wildsweetone]

anna, it might have been something i'd read you had said - sorry life's a mess at this end of the wires and my brain's mush. the point was, it kind of made a great deal of sense to me and then i thought about all the poetry i'd read that seemed to be straight description of places or scenes and it got me wondering.

i wasn't going to do this but here it is: (just don't re-write the darn thing for me okay. i want to learn )

5. Christmas Wreath

An empty house stands in pine
shadows, needles shed to mat
the ground, blocks night’s
white light so darkness
covers the garden and black
eyes stare back
either side of a wreath
nailed to the door. Eaves shield
the gaudy plastic
as a night owl hoots
from guttering above.


i took this poem to work with me today and messed about with it (i probably shouldn't say that out loud)... anyway, it suddenly dawned on me that i want to turn the house itself into an old man's face. --- see maybe that was a subconscious thought that the poem as it is needs something more. i know it's missing something as it is. but... the way i look at it

the house itself is a face

the eyes are darkened windows
the hair is grey/white moonlight on the roof
the door is a nose
the pine needles at the bottom can be a beard

anyway you get the idea.

the scribblings i wrote at work i've gone and lost, (and yes i'm kicking myself like you wouldn't believe) but i'll see if i can remember them...

An empty house stands in pine
shadows, needles shed to beard
the ground, blocks night’s
white light so darkness
covers the garden and black
eyes stare back
either side of a wreath
nailed to the red-mud door
and greyed eaves shield
the gaudy plastic
as a night owl hoots
from the gutter above.


needs more work but well, perhaps with the little bit of human-type element it might read better than the first version.

my apologies if none of this makes sense, i'm kind of running on what's left after adrennaline at the moment.

 

[tungtied2u]

*****

 

[Maria2394]

come on baby show us the movement



ps it might have been me-- I have been on a "I am bored with mere description" kick lately. If I want description, I will go to an art museum. I want a poem to walk all over me. Hard.

\



hell yes, Anna, dont tell me its a tree, make me feel that tree. Make those roots reach through my soles and pull my heart and twist it around a branch of that tree. Make me tree angry, branches slapping rooftops and winds howling through bare limbed skeletons of majestic oaks stuck in the throes of a waxing winter.

i hope its about a tree....

 

[Maria2394]

anna, it might have been something i'd read you had said - sorry life's a mess at this end of the wires and my brain's mush. the point was, it kind of made a great deal of sense to me and then i thought about all the poetry i'd read that seemed to be straight description of places or scenes and it got me wondering.

i wasn't going to do this but here it is: (just don't re-write the darn thing for me okay. i want to learn )

5. Christmas Wreath

An empty house stands in pine
shadows, needles shed to mat
the ground, blocks night’s
white light so darkness
covers the garden and black
eyes stare back
either side of a wreath
nailed to the door. Eaves shield
the gaudy plastic
as a night owl hoots
from guttering above.


i took this poem to work with me today and messed about with it (i probably shouldn't say that out loud)... anyway, it suddenly dawned on me that i want to turn the house itself into an old man's face. --- see maybe that was a subconscious thought that the poem as it is needs something more. i know it's missing something as it is. but... the way i look at it

the house itself is a face

the eyes are darkened windows
the hair is grey/white moonlight on the roof
the door is a nose
the pine needles at the bottom can be a beard

anyway you get the idea.

the scribblings i wrote at work i've gone and lost, (and yes i'm kicking myself like you wouldn't believe) but i'll see if i can remember them...

An empty house stands in pine
shadows, needles shed to beard
the ground, blocks night’s
white light so darkness
covers the garden and black
eyes stare back
either side of a wreath
nailed to the red-mud door
and greyed eaves shield
the gaudy plastic
as a night owl hoots
from the gutter above.


needs more work but well, perhaps with the little bit of human-type element it might read better than the first version.

my apologies if none of this makes sense, i'm kind of running on what's left after adrennaline at the moment.

I love the "needles shed to beard/ the ground..."

very good !!!

 

[annaswirls]

oh goodness no apology! I was kind of making fun of myself because I was on a kick. I am certainly not claiming some ownership of the show don't tell idea. I have had many many many many people tell me -- action action show show show show

and you do not need human action, just some action. the poem you posted is that of an experienced writer. I like how you used personification in the second version, but overall I like the first version's more sparse style.

Rules are meant to be broken, but someone once told me to not use more than one descriptive word/phrase for each object/action-- and to be sparse with those adjectives/adverbs.

I can understand why you do not want someone to re-write your poem-- I do. I have had people do this to my work and sometimes it drives me crazy, but other times I cannot understand what the heck they are tying to say and it is nice to just be shown-- it is another way of learning.... if you can look at the original line, phrase, etc and the adaptations or experimentations and see what it was that changed-- and how it effected the piece... then for me at least, the lesson seems to be able to be transferred and I might change the way I write just a little-- if it is for the better.

The last two lines in this poem are very strong, very potent.

you go girl

-anna

anna, it might have been something i'd read you had said - sorry life's a mess at this end of the wires and my brain's mush. the point was, it kind of made a great deal of sense to me and then i thought about all the poetry i'd read that seemed to be straight description of places or scenes and it got me wondering.

i wasn't going to do this but here it is: (just don't re-write the darn thing for me okay. i want to learn )

5. Christmas Wreath

An empty house stands in pine
shadows, needles shed to mat
the ground, blocks night’s
white light so darkness
covers the garden and black
eyes stare back
either side of a wreath
nailed to the door. Eaves shield
the gaudy plastic
as a night owl hoots
from guttering above.


i took this poem to work with me today and messed about with it (i probably shouldn't say that out loud)... anyway, it suddenly dawned on me that i want to turn the house itself into an old man's face. --- see maybe that was a subconscious thought that the poem as it is needs something more. i know it's missing something as it is. but... the way i look at it

the house itself is a face

the eyes are darkened windows
the hair is grey/white moonlight on the roof
the door is a nose
the pine needles at the bottom can be a beard

anyway you get the idea.

the scribblings i wrote at work i've gone and lost, (and yes i'm kicking myself like you wouldn't believe) but i'll see if i can remember them...

An empty house stands in pine
shadows, needles shed to beard
the ground, blocks night’s
white light so darkness
covers the garden and black
eyes stare back
either side of a wreath
nailed to the red-mud door
and greyed eaves shield
the gaudy plastic
as a night owl hoots
from the gutter above.


needs more work but well, perhaps with the little bit of human-type element it might read better than the first version.

my apologies if none of this makes sense, i'm kind of running on what's left after adrennaline at the moment.

 

[Tathagata]

....no need to involve humans...

perfect statement

 

[My Erotic Tale]

descriptive poetry can be masterful

I have always claimed <since it has not changed yet>

my three favorite poems here at lit is
tristesse...small white bones
Du Lac ...Medusa's Chant
and
neonurotic... the cage >>>> this was nothing more than a very gripping descriptive poem of a storm drain. Today I think this is one poem that should be on the top list forever <grin>

also Liar had a poem that I am uncertain of the name where the poem was written describing from a letters perspective

when you say descriptive only, in all reality the zen master writes were nothing but describing what they saw with out any emotions or feelings spilling into the description of the landscape or dew drop


like,

I saw the moon
in a dew drop
that hung from a cranes bill

I have a hard time not adding my thoughts or perspective into the ZMP poems but I am still practicing <grin>

 

[Angeline]

description can't have voice, movement, action?

i like the poem.

 

[WickedEve]

I like it, too. Reminds me of a poem I wrote 2 or 3 years ago. It's about a house being torn down and the human-like pain it feels.

 

[Angeline]

I like it, too. Reminds me of a poem I wrote 2 or 3 years ago. It's about a house being torn down and the human-like pain it feels.

eeeeeeee, that's creepy.

would you write a santa in bondage poem?

 

[WickedEve]

eeeeeeee, that's creepy.

would you write a santa in bondage poem?

Why? You want one? lol I did a barbie bondage poem. Santa... he is kind of pervy looking, isn't he?

 

[My Erotic Tale]

This probably one of my only <guess what I am > poems
after reading the cage by neo
I embarked on this
descriptive poem
not with a mystery poem intent

but... what is it describing?
I had no idea when I wrote it that there would be a lot of feedback that was incorrect as to what I described <grinin> also there were some very correct views as well. But this is my 'descriptive' poem offering

silver slut
by My Erotic Tail ©

silvery slut

wide open

cup
runneth over

waste laced
on the corner

newspaper flies
from
wind and aroma

metalica coma

trashy basket case

sunglasses bottle o booze

yesterday's meal ticket

waiting waiting waiting

to be picked up!

 

[Angeline]

Why? You want one? lol I did a barbie bondage poem. Santa... he is kind of pervy looking, isn't he?

I feel like I should be inspired to write one because Santa is tied to a tree three doors down from us. It doesn't look so good for him.

Well, not the real Santa. There IS a real Santa, right? And he's um got a little fetish?

I'm only asking you because, well, you're wicked. And everyone knows I'm sweet and incapable of impure thought.


This is Tath's fault.

 

[annaswirls]

descriptive poetry can be masterful

...........

when you say descriptive only, in all reality the zen master writes were nothing but describing what they saw with out any emotions or feelings spilling into the description of the landscape or dew drop


like,

I saw the moon
in a dew drop
that hung from a cranes bill

Yes, you are right about descriptive poems that can be masterful, it is just more difficult to do so.

And I think that there are things happening in the poem you submitted here as a sample. But not overly descriptive-- kept to the fundamentals.


Like this one:

A world of dew,
and within every dewdrop
a world of struggle
Issa


could have been easily ruined like this

beside the moonlit pond,
round as the orbiting orb that glows
is a troubled weary world of
of shining dew
and hiding within every spherical crystal dewdrop
is a whole wide world of struggle





To be an envelope? by Liar yes one of his best

 

[wildsweetone]

i will catch up with this thread tonight, looks like lots of interesting reading to check out, thank you all.

i posted another version of the same poem on the Twelve Days of Christmas thread - it still needs work but i think it's getting there. sure is fun playing with the words at the very least.

i'm wondering now, can a poem be a poem without description, or without movement? lots to think about, thank you

 

[annaswirls]

I don't think actual movement is the point as much as action-- something happening, y'know, verbs.

a poem without action or description.

maybe something like this.



"yes"

i will catch up with this thread tonight, looks like lots of interesting reading to check out, thank you all.

i posted another version of the same poem on the Twelve Days of Christmas thread - it still needs work but i think it's getting there. sure is fun playing with the words at the very least.

i'm wondering now, can a poem be a poem without description, or without movement? lots to think about, thank you

 

[Angeline]

I don't think actual movement is the point as much as action-- something happening, y'know, verbs.

a poem without action or description.

maybe something like this.



"yes"

or

"no"

now that's an inactive, nondescriptive poem. maybe.

actually, "maybe" has poetic possibilities, but "maybe" only a crazy poet like me would think that.

of course you're a crazy poet, too, so you probably understand.