June One Liners

[Guest]

It's a question of taste...

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

 

[Guest]

Hmmmm... Parmesan cheese...

Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it but can't eat it.

 

[Guest]

Be nice...

Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

 

[Guest]

It's a matter of taste...again...

Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as substitute meat.

 

[Guest]

See, it's all relative...

Q. What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A. One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!

 

[Guest]

For us titty guys...

Q. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it.

 

[Guest]

Top 10 Online LIES...

10. "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend."

9. "You're different...I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."

8. "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...but tell me more about yourself."

7. "I never do cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well I'm getting excited."

6. "Yes of course I'm female..."

5. "No this is my only screen name...You mean you can have more then one?"

4. "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!" Male version is "I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out."

3. "I'm not like most of the guy's here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other" (at the hotel coffee shop).

2. "I don't care what you look like, it's whats on the inside that counts" (Which is true, except it means "I'm horny and could care less, just type").

1. "Tonight my love...our souls have touched.

 

[Guest]

Ladies Advice to Men Regarding Oral Sex

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had
been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're
that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just
"wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly
inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our
talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2
about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often
enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

 

[riff]

whaddaya call a jewish homosexual?

a he-blew

 

[Guest]

Murphy's Law On Sex

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

Nothing improves with age.

No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

Sex has no calories.

Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

No sex with anyone in the same office.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Virginity can be cured.

When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

It is always the wrong time of month.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

The younger the better.

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

Love is a hole in the heart.

If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

Do it only with the best.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Never say no.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

Love comes in spurts.

The world does not revolve on an axis.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

"This won't hurt, I promise."

 

[InternationalFunboy]

A priest, a redneck an a duck walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What's this, a joke?"

pa bump bump psshhhhhh.......

 

[riff]

A priest, a redneck an a duck walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What's this, a joke?"

pa bump bump psshhhhhh.......

heh. post-modern humor gets me everytime.

 

[max_dylen]

Re: Well, it's not that bad...

Q: Whats the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

you got that one from a penthouse mag , i knew it was worth keeping that mag

 

[1stTwistedSistr]

This is soooo old!

What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?




A piece of ass that'll make your eyes water.