Jokes?

[huskie]

now i love this board and talking and learning about sex, BUT theres nowere on hear for me to post my jokes?? I receive bunches all the time and I know some poeple hear would really like'm..... like as follows:

Rules for Bedroom golf

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.



Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.



Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.



For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.



Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.



Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.



It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.



Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.



Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.



Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.



Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.



The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.



Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.



Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.


It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

 

[MR.GGG]

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

A: 1 US leader

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A: A cherry float.

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A: Beat it-we're clos

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?

A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant,

what is on the outside?

A: K9P.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?

A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?

A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the height of conceit?

A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What's the definition of macho?

A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?

A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?

A: Because it's worth it.

 

[lilfrk]

Hey guys...I believe there is a joke thread on the general board.

 

[Weird Harold]

Hey guys...I believe there is a joke thread on the general board.

Actually, there are about five joke threads in the General Forum -- including one that is reaching "endless thread" proportions.

 

[lilfrk]

Thank You WH. I knew if I hung out here long enough I'd get sorta smart.

 

[Belilica]

I got a few...

What is the most useful word in the English language?

Well, shit...

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck or, have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget
shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.

There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit or, duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or, be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or, a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

 

[Kelson]

Ooo...that's a good one...hmmm

 

[Guest]

Q. How are women like linoleum??
A. Lay them right, and you can walk all over them for 50 years.

Q. How are women like hurricanes??
A. Both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave

 

[Belilica]

Here's another golf one...

Complicated Golf Course

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind
me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must
be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished
his round and went to the clubhouse were he saw the same lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales
profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't."

" Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman
for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."