Jokes

[The_high_king]

HA HA

A walnut, and a peanut are walking down the street. All of a sudden, the peanut is assualted.

 

[The_high_king]

woah

This thread isn't getting any posts? Ha ha, now thats hilarious.

 

[The_high_king]

sigh

..............................

 

[shyybabe]

Ok I'm a sucker for a giggle

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

 

[Phoenyx]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

There's a guy sitting at an airport bar when he notices a
beautiful woman sitting next to him wearing a uniform. He thinks to himself,

"Wow!! She is so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant."
So he decides to scoot towards her and try to pick her up but can't think of a pick up line. After thinking for a while he turns towards her and says,

"Love to fly and it shows??" She gives him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thinks to himself, "Oooh shit, she must not fly for
Delta." So he thinks of something else and says, "Something special in the air??" She gives him the same confused look. He thinks, "Damn!
She must not fly for American." So next he says, "I would really
love to fly your friendly skies!" Suddenly the woman, irritated beyond belief with this guy, barks out,

"What the f--k do you want???"
"Ahhhhhh," says the man, in a relieved voice, "Canadian Airways.

 

[shyybabe]

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander.
He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.

After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

 

[The_high_king]

HEE HEE

Keep it up!

 

[thumbs2_ca]

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Newfoundland, Canada.

Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.

The Newfoundland Provincial Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the province.

Police are confident that anyonewho looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community

 

[The_high_king]

Little Billy

One day Billy sees his dad in the washroom shaving. Suddenlym the dad accidently cuts himself, and say, "shit". Billy asks, "dad, what does shit mean", and the dad says, "it means hats".
He goes downstairs to see his mom cutting a turkey. The mom accidently cuts herself, and says, "fuck". The mom, seeing her son quickly says, "fuck means cut, dear".
Billy goes off to his sister's room. His sister was straddling her boyfriend, and says, "thats it, use your dick". Seeing her brother at the door, she quickly says, "umm... dick means grandpa".
Billy then wanders off to his brothers room, and sees him whacking off. The brother says, "I wish I had some pussy". Seeing his Billy at the doorway, he quickly says, "uhh... pussy means grandma".
Suddenly the doorbells ring. He quickly runs down stairs, and opens the door. It was grandma, and grandpa. Billy smiles, and says, "hi dick, and pussy. Please put your shit on the shit rack, and my mom is fucking the turkey".

ooc: umm... I seem to have screwed up this joke.

 

[shyybabe]

How about Little Johnny?

Little Johnny is in Math class. The teacher asks Johnny,"There are 4 birds on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many are left?

Johnny replies "None".

Teacher says "I don't think you understand, If you shoot one of the birds, there will be three left"

Johnny replies, "No mam, when you fire the gun, all the birds will leave."

Teacher scratches her chin and says to Johnny "I like the way you think"

Johnny then says to the teacher "Can I ask you a question?"

Teacher replies yes. Johnny says "Three women are eating ice cream cones; one is licking it, one is biting it, and the other is sucking on it, which one is married"?

Teacher blushes and says "I suppose it would be the one that is sucking it." Johnny says "No actually it's the one with the wedding ring but I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK!!"

 

[Guest]

A bus load of nuns drives off a cliff and they're all killed. (wait that's not the funny bit) They're up at the pearl gates and St. Peter makes an announcement that it's come to his attention that not all of them are virgins and that any of them who have touched a penis need to clense themselves in some holy water.

Sister Mary walks up and declares that she once touched a penis with her finger just to see what it felt like so she dips her hand into the holy water and proceeds to enter heaven.

Next up is Sister Kate, she proceeds to wash both her hands in the holy water. Just then there is a considerably amount of commotion in the back of the line. St Peter looks up and asks, "Sister Jane, what seems to be the problem?" Sister Jane replies, "I want to be next because I'm not gargling with that water after Sister Barbara washes out her ass!"

-----------
After one drink I really begin to feel it. After two drinks, anyone can feel it --- Benny Hill

 

[shyybabe]

Mr. Rabbit

When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

 

[The_high_king]

HEEEEEHHEEEEEEEEHHHHEEEEEEEE!!!!!
thats some funny stuff.

 

[The_high_king]

posting... something.

 

[shyybabe]

Puppies

One day a little boy and his father were walking through the park and they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks, "Daddy, what are they doing?"

His father replies, "Umm... they're making puppies, yeah they're making puppies."

The little boy says, "Oh." And they go home.

A few days later the little boy walked in on his mother and father having sex. The little boy asks, "Daddy, what are you doing?"

The boys father replies, "We're umm..making babies. Yeah we're making babies"

"Oh," says the little boy. "Roll mommy over, I want puppies instead!"

 

[The_high_king]

The prick

Two men are sitting at a bar in a tall building. One guy gets so drunk, that he trips, and falls out a window. He falls, and gets back up, unharmed. He goes back to the bar, and sits down. The guy beside him asks, "how the hell did you do that?" The man replies, "thats easy, once your drunk enough. You can't get hurt". so the guy tries this, and gets drunk. He jumps out the window, and dies a painful death. the bartender, then says, "Superman, you can be such a prick when your drunk".

 

[The_high_king]

hey its funny. Isn't it?

 

[The_high_king]

umm... Hello?

 

[shyybabe]

Ok time for giggles

It was a boring day in Superhero City. Superman was very bored, so he goes up to Spiderman and says "Hey, Spidey, you want to go to the bar and play pool and have some drinks?". Spiderman replies "Sorry Superman, I have to fix my webs because if I don't, no one will fight crime". Superman says "Yeah, I guess you are right", and he leaves.


Superman keeps on walking and walking and he sees Batman. He walks up to Batman and says to him "Hey Batman, you want to go to the bar and drink or smoke some blunt or something?" Batman replies "Sorry, Sup, I have to fix my Batmobile or else no one will fight crime". Superman replies "Yeah I guess you are right", and leaves.


Superman then starts flying through Superhero City and he looks through a window and sees Wonderwoman lying on the bed naked. Superman says to himself "Hey, I am as fast as a speeding bullet, so I will fly in there and fuck her so fast she won't even notice". So he does it. BICKETY BAM!!! He is in and out in ten seconds. Suddenly, Wonderwoman rolls over and says "Invisible Man, did you hear something?". Invisible Man replies "I don't know but my ass hurts like hell!!"

 

[shyybabe]

Once upon a time, there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday.

One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis.
He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.

A little later, two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by.
When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.
She said to her friend, "There ain't no justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant.

Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!!!"

 

[p_p_man]

Golf Anyone?

Four very good friends went to play golf. Before they reached the first tee one of them had to return to the locker room where he had forgotten his cap.

Whilst he was gone the other three started talking about their respective sons.

"My son", said one of them, "is doing very well. He's an architect and he's doing so well that last year he gave his best friend a real nice beach house with all the latest gadgets on a beautiful part of the coast".

"Well my son is doing just as good." said the second. "He's dealing in futures and earlier this year he made such a killing he gave his best friend a complete portfolio containing nothing but blue chip companies".

The third man added that his son was just as successful as the other two and owned a string of automobile franchises throughout the country. "Only last week", he continued, " he gave his best friend a top of the range, latest model of a Lambourginhi worth over $350,000".

Just then their fourth number returned.

"We've been talking about our sons Harry. How's your boy doing lately?", asked one of them.

"Alright I guess", said Harry. "You know he's gay?". The others nodded sympathetically. "Well he got himself a job stripping in this gay bar downtown. Seems to be doing alright though and he's made some great pals. So far they've given him a great beach house, stock worth millions and an auto you'd die for..."

 

[The_high_king]

keep them comin. Please.

 

[shyybabe]

Baby talk

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?" He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?" He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"

 

[GuyJD]

I'll throw in a cartoon and toss you another joke later.