Jokes

[The_high_king]

Ha Ha!

This is FUNNY stuFF guys. PlEasE ExcusE my wRiting, my computER is all scREwy toDay, anyways kEEp thE jokEs coming.

 

[The_high_king]

The wishing mountain

Once apon a time there wish a magic mountain. Whenever somone stood on the cliff, and wished for something, then they would fall into it.
The first guy walks off the cliff, and says, "I wish for millions of dollars". He jumps off, and lands on a a million dollars.
The second guy comes, jumps off, and says, "I wish for the most beautiful women in the world". He then lands on a group of naked women who soon become his slaves.
The third guy comes along, trips, and says, "oh shit!"

 

[thumbs2_ca]

Sexual Harassement


A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to
her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer!

The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants
to file a sexual harassment suit against
the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the
co-worker telling you your hair smells nice.

The woman replies, "He's a midget"

 

[thumbs2_ca]

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic.
This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find
out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

 

[thumbs2_ca]

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over
dinner:
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: shit.shit.shit.....

 

[Lord Emu]

The Red Wagon

There was a little boy who had a red wagon and one day he was wrapping it in chicken wire. His father asked"What are you doing?" The little boy said "I am going to catch some chickens." Later the boy returned and the wagon was loaded with chickens. The next day the boy put duct tape all over his wagon and the father asked "What are you doing now?" The boy replyed "I am going to catch some ducks." Later on the wagon was full of ducks. The next day the boy was covering his wagon with pussy willows and the father said "Wait for me."

 

[The_high_king]

The cowboy

One day, a cowboy is captured by by a tribe of natives. The chief says, "you have three days to live. Every one day, you will be granted one wish".
On the first day the cowboy wishes to see his horse. He then whispers something into the horses ear. The horse rides into town, and brings back a beautiful girl. The cowboy brings the girl into his small prison, and starts screwing her. The natives shook their heads, "white men, thats all they ever think about".
The second day the cowboy wishes to see his horse again. He whispers something into the horses ear. The horse rides into town, and brings back a girl. The cowboy brings her into his small prison, and screws her. The natives shooked their heads in shame, "white men, thats all they ever think about".
On the third day, he demands to see his horse one last time. This time he screams into his horses ear, "I want my POSSE, get it! My POSSE!"

 

[shyybabe]

You've Got Mail

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

1. TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

2. TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.

3. TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!

4. TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.

5. TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.

6. TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?

7. TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.

8. TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

9. TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.

10. TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.

11. TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.

12. TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary.

13. TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.

14. TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

15. TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?

16. TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.

17. TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a prick.

18. TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting bitch.

19. TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training:
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.



Thank You,
Human Resources

 

[The_high_king]

C'mon people. Isn't their anyone else out there with a joke that needs to be heard?

 

[The_high_king]

Newfie joke

Q: There is a large round room filled with people. How do you tell which one is the Newfie?

a: Tell them to pee in the corner.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

forgive the time but....

what do panty hose and the taliban have in common???
they all have been known to irritate "BUSH" hehehehehehehe

 

[The_high_king]

The three drunk men

Three men are arguing about how drunk they were last night.
The first one says, "I got so drunk, that I parked my car perfectly, opened the house door, and blew chunks!"
The second one says, "I got so drunk, that I wrapped my car around a tree. Kicked my door down, then collapsed on the floor!"
The third one says, "I got so drunk that I slammed my car in a wall. Ran over some people, who are thankfully still alive. Kicked down my door, and pissed on the potted plants!".
Then the first one stopped the converstion, "I don't think you guys understand. Chunks is my dog."

 

[The_high_king]

tick tock

I don't want to rush anyone, but... WHERE ARE THE JOKES?!

 

[The_high_king]

.

........................ blip............................blip.........................

 

[The_high_king]

.......blip........

this thread is getting awfully lonely.

 

[faith]

one for the guys

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

 

[Weird Harold]

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're notone, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

 

[The_high_king]

Ha!

SEE! See! I knew this thread was a great idea. Woo Hoo!

 

[The_high_king]

Moby Dick

Q: Who is Moby Dick's father?

A: Pop Boner.

 

[shyybabe]

Cold Hands

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

[The_high_king]

............................

...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... woah! I'm awake! I'm awake! Must have dosed off there. Oh wait, still no new posts. Oh well............................

 

[shyybabe]

Here's one for you

Ok, I'll keep the thread going. Maybe soon I'll lost this virgin tag.

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her
topless... "Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to
her breasts.
"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die,
they inflate and float you up to heaven."
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off,
quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea,
he rushes into the kitchen screaming, "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Jenny is dying!"
"What do you mean?" says his mother.
"Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with
both of her balloons out. Dad's trying to blow em up for her and
she keeps yelling, "Oh God, I'm coming!

 

[The_high_king]

The pencil lesson

An art class is learning how to sharpen a pencil properly using a kinfe. After a few hours they finally got the point.

 

[shyybabe]

TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY

10. I think that Michael Bolton is one cool mother.
9. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
8. I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right.
7. I think we're lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on 'Murder, She Wrote' sure gives me a woody.
4. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.
3. Screw Monday Night Football! Let's watch 'Ally McBeal'.
2. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
1. I think her breasts are just way too big.

 

[shyybabe]

TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS A WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
7. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the
armpits are too cute.
6. This diamond is just way too big.
5. Does this make my ass look too small.
4. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
3. Wow! It really is 14 inches!
2. I think hairy balls are so sexy.
1. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.