Jokes

[12oclocktales]

A man getting up in years is talking to his doctor. “When I was a young man, I used to wake up in the morning with my prick like an iron bar. I couldn’t push it down with both hands. I had two beauties I was screwing and another older woman on the side who would even give me money she was so happy with me. But all the same, every morning, like an iron bar!

“Then when I had my own business there was the female receptionist and the bookkeeper and, of course, my wife, all of them I would satisfy. And every morning, there was my prick, like an iron bar!

“Even just two years ago when I was judging that beauty contest and all those girls ended up in my bed before long, I still couldn’t get my prick down with two hands!

“But just the other day I noticed that now I can push it down with both hands, can even push it down with one hand. So tell me, doc, am I getting stronger in my old age?”

 

[32aa]

A notorious convict had just escaped from prison. Breaking into the house of a young couple, he found them in bed read have sex. The convict tied the husband to a chair, walked over to the nude wife, whispered into her, ear, then disappeared to the bathroom.

The husband says to his wife, "Dear the man's desperate. Probably hasn't had sex in years. Don't resist, or he might kill us. Do whatever disgusting thing he wants. Be strong. I love you.

"He's Gay. Thinks you're cute. He was asking if we had any Vaseline. Be strong my husband. I love you.

 

[Elayne_Hawke]

Why don't witches wear panties?


So they can have a better grip on their broom

 

[32aa]

A man left work on Friday afternoon. Instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all of his wages. When he finally to home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife.

After two hours, she stopped nagging and asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

"That would be fine with me," he grinned.

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went by with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[12oclocktales]

A guy comes home from work and finds his wife in bed with the delivery man.

“What are you doing!” he shouts at them.

The wife turns to the delivery man and says, “See, I told you. He doesn’t know the first thing about sex.”

 

[12oclocktales]

Someone vandalized the toilet at the police station and put it out of commission.

The cops have nothing to go on.

 

[likitisplit]

Adam once asked God "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God replied "So that you would love her", "But why did you also make her so stupid?" asked Adam and God replied " So that she would love you!"

what did one tampon say to the other?

nothing, they were both stuck up cunts!

 

[SissySalina]

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

So where is the joke?

 

[tdb555]

I went in a massage parlour yesterday and asked the girl how much it costs? She said "It's 5 pounds for a wank or 10 pounds for a blow job" I said "Dam, iv'e only got 7 pounds" and she said "That will get you a really really good wank" I got my cock out and she said "Fuckin hell, do you want to borrow 3 pounds?"

 

[Nightjoy1]

A husband says to his wife, "Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?" She replies, "I don’t like calling you when you’re at work."

 

[Nightjoy1]

A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first-year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

 

[Nightjoy1]

Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

 

[Nightjoy1]

What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.

 

[Nightjoy1]

This past Halloween I went out dressed as a chicken and met a girl who was dressed like an egg. One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered: It was the chicken.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

40+ years old joke

40+ BC

 

[tdb555]

My Wife came home today and said to me "My Gynecologist says i can't have sex for 3 months" So i replied "What does your Dentist say?"

 

[Tigersman]

Melania was asked if she bleached her asshole. She replied no he uses spray tan.

 

[JoeBeans2751]

What is the difference between a French Kiss and an Australian Kiss? A. Nothing really just ONE is down Under!

 

[Celand]

Guy is trying to pick a girl in a bar:

He: "You have really beautiful eyes"
" You are beautifully dressed"
" You have the most beautiful smile"

She: " All these compliments, I am sure you want to fuck me"

He: "... and smart too"

 

[Bisexguy70]

A man and his wife were eating at a fine restaurant. The waitress serving them was very sexy and flirted with the husband.
She was an excellent waitress but the wife noticed her flirting. She was willing to overlook this since she admitted the waitress was hot but did a very good job attending to them.
“Im sure your going to give her a good tip since she flirted with you!” The wife stated to her husband.
He replied…
Im gonna give her a good tip, the shaft and my balls”
Needless to say he missed out on dessert at home.

 

[ABiGuy84]

Why are Elevator jokes so good?

A) They work on so many Levels.

 

[jehoram]

Being bisexual immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

That's from Woody Allen.

 

[ABiGuy84]

A man went to see a lady of the night. The next day, he found out that he had crabs. So he went to her and complained. To which she said, "For $5, what did you expect, lobsters?"

 

[apantyhoselovr]

what did one tampon say to the other?

v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

nothing. both were stuck up cunts!

 

[12oclocktales]

It is now illegal to find the following joke funny. If after reading it you should smile, giggle, titter, chuckle, or, heaven help you, laugh, you should take yourself to the nearest precinct immediately and turn yourself in.

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink and stove.

Well, get moving, you creeps, the cops are waiting!