Jokes
- Thread starter sterculius
- Start date
Grandma is eighty-eight and drives her own car...
She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking toward me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, grandma
12oclocktales
dishing dirt
- Joined
- Dec 19, 2022
- Posts
- 660
My ever-loving wife's favorite joke:
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
(Ouch!!)
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
(Ouch!!)
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!"
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."
After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too great.
"The lunch portions are too big. Reduce them to half. Too many toys around."
After the preschool, they go to a prison.
"The lunch portions are too small and the selection is too limited. Get faster broadband and more comfortable beds. TVs are too old. Get a few consoles as well."
One of them asks the leader, baffled:
" Are you mad? We just cut costs in schools and prechools, and now you do this?"
" My friend! We will never go to school or preschool again. But we can still easily end up here..."
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."
After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too great.
"The lunch portions are too big. Reduce them to half. Too many toys around."
After the preschool, they go to a prison.
"The lunch portions are too small and the selection is too limited. Get faster broadband and more comfortable beds. TVs are too old. Get a few consoles as well."
One of them asks the leader, baffled:
" Are you mad? We just cut costs in schools and prechools, and now you do this?"
" My friend! We will never go to school or preschool again. But we can still easily end up here..."
A teenage daughter came home in a rage.
'‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’'
The father put down his newspaper: '‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
'‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’'
The father put down his newspaper: '‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office.....
He tells the psychiatrist that he and his wife have been trying for years to achieve simultaneous orgasms.
The psychiatrist says to him, "Say no more, I have the solution." with that, he pulls out a starter pistol and hands it to the man.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" he asks.<br>
"The next time you and your wife are making love, hide this under the pillow by your head. When you feel yourself about to climax, pull out the starter pistol and fire it in the air. It will startle your wife and induce an orgasm in her."
The guy thanks the psychiatrist and leaves.
A week later, the psychiatrist is leaving his office when a man comes up to him and slaps him. He looks at the man and asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The man says, "I was in your office a week ago about the simultaneous orgasm problem."
"Ah yes, I gave you the starter pistol. How did it go?"
"I'll tell you how it went you jackass, I was about to cum so I grabbed the pistol and fired it in the air."
"And?"
"And? She bit off half my dick and shit in my face!"
He tells the psychiatrist that he and his wife have been trying for years to achieve simultaneous orgasms.
The psychiatrist says to him, "Say no more, I have the solution." with that, he pulls out a starter pistol and hands it to the man.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" he asks.<br>
"The next time you and your wife are making love, hide this under the pillow by your head. When you feel yourself about to climax, pull out the starter pistol and fire it in the air. It will startle your wife and induce an orgasm in her."
The guy thanks the psychiatrist and leaves.
A week later, the psychiatrist is leaving his office when a man comes up to him and slaps him. He looks at the man and asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The man says, "I was in your office a week ago about the simultaneous orgasm problem."
"Ah yes, I gave you the starter pistol. How did it go?"
"I'll tell you how it went you jackass, I was about to cum so I grabbed the pistol and fired it in the air."
"And?"
"And? She bit off half my dick and shit in my face!"
Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.
Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.
The newlyweds do that but nothing happens.
The groom calls his mother back again and asks what to do now?
She says that they should take off their clothes, get under the covers, and nature should take its course.
They follow her advice but still nothing.
He calls his mother again. By the time she is getting frustrated, and says, "Listen dumbass! Just take the biggest thing you've got and stick it in her hairiest spot!"
The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "Okay, so I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?"
Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.
The newlyweds do that but nothing happens.
The groom calls his mother back again and asks what to do now?
She says that they should take off their clothes, get under the covers, and nature should take its course.
They follow her advice but still nothing.
He calls his mother again. By the time she is getting frustrated, and says, "Listen dumbass! Just take the biggest thing you've got and stick it in her hairiest spot!"
The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "Okay, so I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?"
Stewart_Pidd
making dinner bro
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2012
- Posts
- 4,526
LLCox
fu247365.org
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2019
- Posts
- 10,164
Three guys die in an accident on Christmas Eve. they are all at the Pearly Gates and St Peter says since this is Christmas if you each have something that signifies Christmas I will let you into heaven.
The first guy reaches in his coat pocket and pulls out a flashlight and says "This represents the Lights of Christmas." St. Peter told him to come on in. The next guy takes his keys from his pocket, jingles them and says, "These represent the Bells of Christmas." St. Peter told him to come on in. The third guy checks all his pockets and finally from the breast pocket of his jacket he pulls out a pair of panties and says, "Carol's."
The first guy reaches in his coat pocket and pulls out a flashlight and says "This represents the Lights of Christmas." St. Peter told him to come on in. The next guy takes his keys from his pocket, jingles them and says, "These represent the Bells of Christmas." St. Peter told him to come on in. The third guy checks all his pockets and finally from the breast pocket of his jacket he pulls out a pair of panties and says, "Carol's."
peterherring425
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2015
- Posts
- 1,991
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
peterherring425
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2015
- Posts
- 1,991
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
The Devil sat at the gates of hell...
An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.
“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”
The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell.
“Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” He said
The old man sighed and said:
“Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don’t get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time..
And that’s when everything went crazy!
Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous!
And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had’ve bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?”
“So what did you do?” The Devil whispered, entranced by the story. He was munching on a box of popcorn.
The old man continued,
“You don’t get how big this mouse was! Radiation it must’ve been. Too many phones these days, that’s what causes it.
I did the only think I could!
I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good!
The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you have to kill an animal.
But I needed to keep going. You see with mice, you need to see their guts to know they’re dead. Otherwise they’ll be back with others.”
“So you killed it?” The Devil asked. Some of his demigods had come to listen to the story.
The old man nodded,
“By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight.
It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.”
“Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here.
The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialled a number.
“Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.”
The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued.
The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said,
“You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”
The old man nodded,
“Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”
Two pensioners are enjoying oral sex together.
The old man says, " I can't stay down here for too long, it stinks."
The old lady replies, " Sorry, it's my arthritis."
The old man says, " Arthritis in your vagina?"
"No!" says the old lady. "The arthritis is in my shoulders, I can't wipe my ass!!"
The old man says, " I can't stay down here for too long, it stinks."
The old lady replies, " Sorry, it's my arthritis."
The old man says, " Arthritis in your vagina?"
"No!" says the old lady. "The arthritis is in my shoulders, I can't wipe my ass!!"
