mugsgame
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Two Irishmen leave a funeral.
One says to the other, "Twas a beautiful ceremony."
"Twas", says the other.
First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?"
"Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"
One says to the other, "Twas a beautiful ceremony."
"Twas", says the other.
First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?"
"Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"
mugsgame
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George staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Henry.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, George sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids. He then began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, George woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and with his wife staring at him from across the room. She said.
"You were drunk again last night weren't you George?"
George replied. "And why would you be saying such a mean thing?"
"Well." She said. "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, George sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids. He then began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, George woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and with his wife staring at him from across the room. She said.
"You were drunk again last night weren't you George?"
George replied. "And why would you be saying such a mean thing?"
"Well." She said. "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
mugsgame
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A guy gets pulled over for speeding down a highway
The cop goes over to the guy and says, “You were going over 90 mph in a 55 mph zone. I’m gonna have to write you a ticket for that, sir.”
“Could you give me a break on this one?” replies the guy. “I was only going that fast because I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to go as fast as a big league fastball.”
“Interesting. "Cause I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to catch a big league fastball.”
The cop goes over to the guy and says, “You were going over 90 mph in a 55 mph zone. I’m gonna have to write you a ticket for that, sir.”
“Could you give me a break on this one?” replies the guy. “I was only going that fast because I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to go as fast as a big league fastball.”
“Interesting. "Cause I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to catch a big league fastball.”
mugsgame
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A drunk and a priest
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began to read.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well I’ll be darned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.
The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologized.
“I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began to read.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well I’ll be darned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.
The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologized.
“I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
mugsgame
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One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10.
The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10.
The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
mugsgame
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They say that if you rest one of your balls on the top of an empty beer bottle and heat the base of the bottle with a lighter, the ball will eventually be sucked inside.
If anyone has successfully reversed this process, can you please let me know. It's quite urgent!
If anyone has successfully reversed this process, can you please let me know. It's quite urgent!
mugsgame
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Frank and the Chili Cook off
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy... besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive!
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 8 - Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: (Not available for comment.)
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy... besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive!
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
________________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 8 - Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: (Not available for comment.)
Shady_nz
cc's girl .. always
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Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in New York. 
One day, the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Pete replied, “Me too. You know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. Wanna try it?”
So, they pour a couple of glasses of high-octane goodness… and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Dave wakes up and feels surprisingly amazing — no hangover, no side effects, nothing!
Then the phone rings. It’s Pete.
Pete: “Hey man, how do you feel this morning?”
Dave: “I feel great! How about you?”
Pete: “Same! That jet fuel is brilliant stuff — no hangover at all! We should do this more often.”
Dave: “Absolutely. Best idea ever.”
Pete: “Yeah… but just one thing…”
Dave: “What’s that?”
Pete: “Have you farted yet?”
Dave: “No, why?”
Pete: “DON’T. I’m in Canada.”
One day, the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Pete replied, “Me too. You know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. Wanna try it?”
So, they pour a couple of glasses of high-octane goodness… and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Dave wakes up and feels surprisingly amazing — no hangover, no side effects, nothing!
Then the phone rings. It’s Pete.
Pete: “Hey man, how do you feel this morning?”
Dave: “I feel great! How about you?”
Pete: “Same! That jet fuel is brilliant stuff — no hangover at all! We should do this more often.”
Dave: “Absolutely. Best idea ever.”
Pete: “Yeah… but just one thing…”
Dave: “What’s that?”
Pete: “Have you farted yet?”
Dave: “No, why?”
Pete: “DON’T. I’m in Canada.”
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like shit."
"Last night was crazy" I replied.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriends flat and having a threesome."
"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.
"No, she was out."
"Last night was crazy" I replied.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriends flat and having a threesome."
"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.
"No, she was out."
mugsgame
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My missus is going to a fancy dress party tonight, she went out yesterday and rented a costume.
She said to me this morning "Wait there, I'll try it on and tell me what you think"?
She came in, I looked at her and said "Wow, that's a fabulous costume, you will easily win a prize with that, it's the most realistic killer whale costume I've ever seen."
She replied "I'm going as a nun, you bastard."
She said to me this morning "Wait there, I'll try it on and tell me what you think"?
She came in, I looked at her and said "Wow, that's a fabulous costume, you will easily win a prize with that, it's the most realistic killer whale costume I've ever seen."
She replied "I'm going as a nun, you bastard."
Apparently there are far more female pilots these days. As with everything, cockpit has become a bit sexiest, so now some are being renamed, to clitpit. This solves two problems no longer sexiest and stops male terrorists because they will not be able to find it
I think I am funny
I think I am funny
Shady_nz
cc's girl .. always
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11 People on a Rope...Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter there were 10 men and 1 woman.
However, the rope wasn’t strong enough to hold them all, so a decision was made that one person had to let go. After much debate, they couldn't decide... that was, until the woman gave a heartfelt speech.
She said, “As a woman, I’m used to giving everything for my husband, my kids, and to be honest, you men in general - I'm always sacrificing and never get anything in return. So you know what, fellas - I’ll go. I’ll let go of the rope.”
And with the emotional speech complete...
All the men started clapping.
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
mugsgame
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My nosy neighbor popped his head over the fence and said, "How did your trip to Amsterdam go?"
I said, "It was ok. I smoked loads of weed. Met a beautiful woman. Fantastic figure, intelligent, and a great personality. In fact she reminded me of your wife a bit."
He laughed and said, "Which bit?"
I said, "The bit where she charges for sex."
I said, "It was ok. I smoked loads of weed. Met a beautiful woman. Fantastic figure, intelligent, and a great personality. In fact she reminded me of your wife a bit."
He laughed and said, "Which bit?"
I said, "The bit where she charges for sex."
