Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

Suzie Smith went to church

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "And every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum ”

 

[Shady_nz]

I'm Fine
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy, hot-shot lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde replied, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the—"
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor, and I was driving down the road when—"
The lawyer interrupted again. "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman he was fine. Now, several weeks later, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he's a fraud. Please instruct him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s response.
"I’d like to hear what he has to say about his cow, Bessie," the Judge said.
Clyde thanked the Judge and continued:
"Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie—my favorite cow—into the trailer and was driving her down the highway, when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran a stop sign and smacked my John Deere tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch, and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt real bad and didn’t want to move.
"But I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her sounds.
"Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman arrived on the scene. He heard Bessie moaning and went over to check on her. After taking one look at her condition, he pulled out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then he walked across the road, gun still in hand, looked down at me, and said: 'How are you feeling?'
"Now tell me, Your Honor... if you were lying in a ditch, in pain and full of grief from losing your favorite cow, having just watched a policeman shoot her for moaning - what would you say?"

 

[mugsgame]

Three women convince their goofy husbands to go to clown college for a year.

The men go off, graduate, and return, and now the women are gossiping about it over tea.

The first woman sets her tea down, sighs, and says, "It's horrible. Ever since my husband got back from clown college, he's been pranking me! Look at this!"

She pulls out a small flower and sets it on the table, where it squirts water at her. Scowling, she swats it away.

The second woman goes, "You think that's annoying?" She pulls out a little gift bag full of tissue paper, and starts pulling it out, but the tissue just keeps coming and coming.

They both turn to the last woman. One asks, "So, has your husband pranked you?"

And the last woman blushes and crosses her legs with a honk.

 

[mugsgame]

Derek and Carla met while on a singles cruise and they fell head over heels in love.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Derek was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Derek had taken Carla to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. He became convinced that Carla was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Derek took Carla to a fine restaurant.

While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, he said to her, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Carla took a deep breath and responded, "Derek that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"That's alright." Derek replied, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the balls."

 

[mugsgame]

Little Billy walks in on his mom taking a bath. She uses her hands to cover up as much as she can and tells him to get the hell out.

He asks "What was that thing I saw down there?" pointing towards her crotch.

She said "It was nothing but a washcloth. Now get out of the bathroom and knock next time.

Billy does as he's told but a couple weeks later, out of the blue he tells his mom, "Mom I found your washcloth."

A bit confused she asks "What do you mean you found my washcloth?"

Billy says "Yeah mom, the neighbor lady has it. I saw her washing Daddy's face."

 

[mugsgame]

Teacher: “If you have one dollar and you ask your dad for another dollar, how many dollars do you have?”

Billy: "One dollar."

Teacher: "I'm sorry, Billy, it seems you don't know your math."

Billy: "I'm sorry, Miss, it seems you don't know my dad."

 

[mugsgame]

Camping with my girlfriend and two of her friends in the desert, I was letting my imagination run wild.

My girlfriend could see the look in my eyes and asked what I was thinking. I said, "I can see us in a Ménage à trois with your friend."

To which my girlfriend replied, "No, that's a Mirage à trois."

 

[mugsgame]

It finally happened! The flight attendant asked "Is there a doctor on this flight?"

I leapt up and said "Yes!"

Did a tracheotomy at 30,000ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.

He didn't make it, but the thrill was undeniable.

Thinking of going to doctor school now.

 

[mugsgame]

A couple who were big spenders had always dreamed of a vacation in Hawaii but had never managed to save up enough money.

Then one day they came up with an idea – each time they had sex, they would put a $20 bill into a piggy bank.

After seven months of this, they reckoned there was probably enough money in the piggy bank to pay for their dream vacation, so they smashed it open.

The husband was puzzled by what he found. “It’s strange,” he said. “Each time we had sex, I put a $20 bill into the piggy bank. Yet there are $50 bills and $100 bills in here, too.”

The wife replied: “Do you think everybody is as stingy as you are?”

 

[mugsgame]

Six retired Florida gentlemen were playing high stakes poker in a condo clubhouse.

During an especially high-stakes game, a member of the group, Ron, lost $5,000 on a single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table from a heart attack.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five finished playing the hand standing up. Abraham looked around and asked, "So, who's going to tell his wife?"

They cut the cards, and Saul 'won' the dubious honor of delivering the sad news. They advise him to be discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name," he says, "Leave it to me."

Saul went over to the apartment where Ron's wife lived. He knocked on the door, she quickly answered it, and saw him standing outside, looking somewhat nervous.

"What do you want, Saul? Where's my good-for-nothing husband?" she asked.

Saul pauses, thinking of how to tell her what happened.

"Ron just lost $5,000 playing poker," he said, "He's afraid to come home."

"WHAT?!?" She screamed in disbelief, "Tell that son-of-a-bitch to drop dead!"

"Can do!" replied Saul.

 

[mugsgame]

I asked my brother if he would tell me the Greek word for "Knowledge."

He said "No, sis," which wasn't very helpful.

 

[mugsgame]

I asked a woman in my art class if I could paint her nude.

"Sure," she said, "Take off your clothes."

 

[mugsgame]

I pulled down my pants and said, "Here, here it is."

My interviewer looked horrified and said, "I meant your weakest point… metaphorically."

 

[Shady_nz]

Joke of the Day
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
'Have you really?" Said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" Gasped Mrs. Smith.
"In my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" Asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" Said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied, "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh .. . . .equipment?"
"It's true, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

 

[LeSabreur]

Three men...an Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot...were walking down a beach when they happened upon a tarnished, battered old metal oil lamp. Joking about their good fortune, the Irishman started to polish the lamp with the tail of his shirt. Sure enough, with a great gout of white smoke and a roaring sound, a genie emerged from the lamp and stood before them on the pebbles.

"Gentlemen," said the genie, "you may be aware that whoever frees a genie from the lamp is granted three wishes. Since you are three companions, I shall grant each of you a wish."

Excitedly, the Irish fellow went first. "I wish," said the Irishman, "for all the seas around Éire to be teeming with fish, that my countrymen may catch them and be prosperous while feeding the people, that they may never know hunger again."

"And so it shall be done!" proclaimed the genie who, with a loud clap of his great hands, filled the seas around the Emerald Isle with abundant schools of fish.

The Englishman went next. "Genie," he said, "I wish for a great protective wall to be built around the entirety of England...forty feet high, thick and strong, and absolutely impenetrable."

Again, with a resounding clap, the genie boomed, "And so it shall be done," and a vast wall appeared around England's entire coast and borders, completely sealing it off from the rest of the world.

The last to make his wish was, of course, the Scot. He squinted at the genie and rubbed his chin, deep in thought. The other two men waited quietly, interested to hear what their companion would request. After a time, the Scot spoke.

"Genie," he said, "tell me about that wall. Is it absolutely, completely impermeable?"

"It is, indeed, utterly and perfectly solid and impervious!" boomed the genie, smiling broadly.

The Scot smiled a wry smile. "Fill it with water," he said.

 

[LeSabreur]

Two Irish nuns were driving through the rural countryside one dark, lonely night when, all of a sudden, a frightful great vampire leapt up upon the front of their car. He bared his horrible fangs at them through the windscreen, hissing loudly and frightening them terribly.

Stricken with fear, Sister Rose shrieked at her companion, "Sister Margaret, show 'im yer cross!"

So Sister Margaret cranked down her window, leaned out and shouted, "Get off the feckin' bonnet!"

 

[SubzeroGirl]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's an old gearbox over there, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, then gazing into the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an old gearbox!"

 

[mugsgame]

The cost of doing business..

One warm day, a stockbroker was on his way to a meeting when he saw a young girl selling lemonade by the side of the road. He pulled over and got out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit.

"Hey mister, you want some lemonade?” she called to him.

He was about to walk past her when he stopped and did a double take at the sign that said “Lemonade $50”.

“Your sign is wrong miss. I think you mean fifty cents,” he informed her.

The little girl shook her head, “Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!”

The stockbroker paused for a minute, because, in his line of work, he appreciated a good hustle but he truly believed this young entrepreneur was going about it the wrong way.

“Look sweetie, I know you’re trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?”

The girl beamed and said, “Fifty bucks mister!”

The stockbroker sighed and shook his head.

“Okay I’ll pass. You can’t make a profit when no one is willing to pay your asking price. Now do you have anything else for sale?”

“Homemade brownies, 50 cents!” she replied.

The stockbroker winced in frustration.

“I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about fifty cents including the margin cost of your stand.”

He opened his wallet and took out a dollar.

“I’ll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about mark-up.”

The little girl shook her head and smiled, “No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!”

“You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I’m going to buy two of your brownies, I know you’re losing money on them, and I’m not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I’m trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson.”

“OK,” she said, taking the dollar and putting two brownies on a plate. Just to make the point, the stockbroker decided to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he began coughing and gagging uncontrollably.

“Oh my God… what did you put in these?”

Grinning happily she told him, “It’s my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and goat pellets!”

“This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!” said the stockbroker in disgust.

The girl produced a jar full of $50 bills, cocked her head to the side and said through a beaming grin, “You want some lemonade?”

 

[Shady_nz]

As Christmas neared, chaos erupted at the North Pole. Four of Santa’s best elves caught the flu, leaving the trainees scrambling to keep up. The toy production line slowed to a miserable crawl.

Then, just as Santa was trying to hold things together, Mrs. Claus cheerfully announced that her mother was coming to visit.

Desperate for a moment of peace, Santa went to harness the reindeer—only to discover that three were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence, disappearing into the snowy wilderness.

Still determined, he began loading the sleigh. But luck was not on his side. A floorboard gave way, sending the massive toy sack tumbling. Gifts shot out in every direction, bouncing, breaking, and scattering across the workshop like an explosion of holiday spirit.

Frustrated and exhausted, Santa trudged inside for a cup of apple cider—maybe with a splash of rum to take the edge off. But when he opened the cupboard, he found that the elves had drunk all the cider and—just for fun—hidden the liquor.

In his rising fury, he knocked over the empty jug, which shattered into a thousand tiny glass shards. Muttering under his breath, he grabbed the broom—only to find that the mice had chewed all the straw off the end.

And that’s when the doorbell rang.

Grinding his teeth, Santa stomped to the door and yanked it open.

There stood a tiny, beaming angel, holding an enormous Christmas tree.

“Merry Christmas, Santa!” the angel chirped. “Isn’t this just a wonderful day? I brought you a beautiful tree! Now… where would you like me to put it?”

And that, my friends, is how the tradition of the angel on top of the Christmas tree began.

Not many people know this.

 

[LeSabreur]

Two elderly widows were sitting on a bench outside the retirement home. One turned to the other and asked, "Hilda, do you have any regrets in life?"

Hilda replied, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I have one great regret. I am sorry that I never had sex."

"What?!?" exclaimed her companion. "Why, you've been married three times! How could you not have ever had sex?!?"

"Well," Hilda said, "my first husband was an attorney. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it. Talk, talk, talk! The man was all talk!"

Hilda continued, "My second husband was an artist. All he ever wanted to do was paint it. He painted scenes of romantic lovers for his entire career, but he himself never had any interest in it."

Hilda fell silent, looking thoughtful and a bit sad. After a moment, her companion prompted her. "What about your third husband, Hilda?" Hilda sighed deeply. "Well...he was a stamp collector. I really miss that one."

.

 

[LeSabreur]

Two elderly widows were sitting on the bench in front of the retirement home, having a smoke. Soon, it began to rain. One of the old ladies reached into her purse and pulled out a condom. She tore open the wrapper and, using fingernail scissors, nipped off the tip of the rubber. She then unrolled the condom down over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

"What on earth is that?!? exclaimed Hilda.

"It's a condom, silly! Haven't you ever seen one?"

Hilda admitted that she hadn't. "But why have you put a condom on your cigarette?" she asked.

"Because it's raining. I don't want my cigarette to get ruined so this is a little raincoat for it," explained her companion.

"Why that's a wonderful idea!" Hilda responded. "Where can I get one?"

"You just go down to the pharmacy on the corner...they have them," said her companion.

The following week, Hilda found herself picking up her prescription refills at the pharmacy. At the register, she suddenly remembered the brilliant idea that her friend had showed her. "Excuse me, young man, but I need your help with one more item. I'd like to buy some condoms," the old woman said.

The young man behind the register was astounded. A wide smile spread across his face and he beamed at her. "Well good for you, ma'am! I'm delighted to hear that you're still enjoying your life! I'm happy to help you. Now...what size do you need?"

Hilda thought for a few seconds, replying, "Well I'm not sure about the size. Big enough to fit a Camel."


.

 

[mugsgame]

Ma and Pa were two old folks living out on a farm up in the hills.

One day, Pa found out that the hole under the outhouse was full. He went into the farmhouse and told Ma that he didn’t know what to do to empty the hole.

"Why don’t you go ask the young fella down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college graduate," Ma said to him.

So Pa drove down to the neighbor's house and asked him, "Mr. College graduate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it."

The young fella told him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse into the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Thanking the neighbor, Pa drove to the local hardware store and picked up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He went home and put them under the outhouse. He then lit them and ran behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma came running out of the farmhouse and into the outhouse!

Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off went the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse came crashing back down atop the hole. Pa raced over to the outhouse, threw open the door and asked, “Ma, are you all right?”

As she pulled up her pants she said to him, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”

 

[mugsgame]

My wife started doing black magic on dolls.

I said, “This is nonsense.”

She handed me one and said, “Whatever you do to it, you’ll feel on yourself — same force, same spot.”

I punched the doll in the face. A second later, I felt a jab on my own jaw.

I kicked it — my knee buckled. Then, I started fucking the doll… and felt absolutely nothing.

I looked at her and said, “It’s not working now.”

She smiled and said, “Now you know how I feel...”

 

[Shady_nz]

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago, when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on, I bought you those flowers with the winnings,' he explained.
'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'
Three days later, he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'
'Your horse phoned.'

 

[mugsgame]

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I’ve been with a loose girl.

The priest asked, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I can’t say."

"Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I promised not to tell."

"Nina Capelli?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Cathy Piriano?"

"I’m really sorry, Father. I can’t."

"Rosa DiAngelo?"

"I’m not saying."

The priest sighed. "Well, Joey, I admire your honesty and loyalty, but you’ll have to take a little break from altar boy duties - four months."

Joey returned to his pew. His friend Franco leaned over and whispered, "What’d you get?"

Joey grinned. "Four months off… and five great leads."