Jokes -- just Jokes

[TheOlderGuy]

Two bees met over by the feed store.

The first bee says "How's it going/"

Second bee is glum, "Oh, it's awful. It's been so cold I haven't been able to find hardly any flowers, and so I can't make honey."

First bee, "You know I just came from this place. Go down here five blocks, turn right, and keep going til you see all the cars. They're having a bar mitzvah, and they have topns of fresh fruit, and flowers on every table."

Second thanks him and heds off. A few hours later they bump into ech other again. "How'd it go?" First bee asks.

"Oh, it was, great -- just like you said, huge bowls of fruit, and luscious flowers on every table."

First bee "Say, what's that on your head?"

Second bee, "Oh, that's just a yarmulka. I didn't want them thinking I was a wasp."

 

[cookiejar]

Two good ol' boys walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

 

[Guest]

One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

She said "200 dollars"

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving head jobs."

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy."

 

[TheOlderGuy]

A guy runs into his ex on the street and tells her,

"You know, I had sex with another woman the other night, but I was thinking about you."

"Ahhhh," she coos, "do you miss me?"

"No," he says, "it just keeps me from coming too fast."

 

[Lady Legs]

There's the Chicken and the Egg in bed, the chicken looks in fowl mood and the egg looked smug.

The chicken says "well I guess that answers THAT question!*

 

[TheOlderGuy]

I went to visit my grandfather at the nursing home.

I noticed the nurse was giving him hot chocolate and viagra.

When she was finished I took her aside and asked her, "What's that all about?"

She said simply, "Oh, the hot chocolate helps him sleep."

I said, "But what about the viagra?"

"Oh that, that just keeps him from rolling out of bed."

 

[Aife]

A Perfectly Clean Joke

Old but still good.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in!"

 

[voxverite]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer and a bucket."

 

[Silver_Lee]

A man was called in the middle of the night by a friend who said that he had been arrested and put in jail.


The man went to the jail to see what was going on. He asked the friend what he'd done wrong.


"I was walking my dog in the park and blowing bubbles," the friend explained. The man said that there was nothing wrong with that.


"A cop saw me and told me that it was illegal, arrested me, and threw me in jail," the friend said. The man asked to see the bottle of bubbles the friend had been blowing.


"No, you see, Bubbles is the name of my dog. I was blowing Bubbles in the park," the friend explained.

 

[Kassiana]

"I don't want to go to church today. You know, I don't think anyone there would care if I didn't show up. I hate those people, and I know they can't stand me. Give me ONE good reason why I should go to church."

"I'll give you two, dear. One is that it's good for you. Two is that you're the minister."

****************************
The prosecution had just finished with its chief witness, and the defense attorney rose and began his questioning. "Now, sir, you claim my client injured you, but when the police found you after the accident, you said 'I feel fine.' Please explain how you could be hurt when you felt fine."

"Sure. I was heading to town in my truck with my cow in the back when a car coming toward me swerved over the center line. I turned to avoid it and flew out of the truck one way; my cow flew out the back. When the cop car arrived, the trooper came to my cow first, said 'Oh, poor suffering creature,' and shot her between the eyes. Then he came to me and asked 'How do YOU feel?' and I said, 'I feel FINE!'"

 

[Ladybird]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Did your mother give it to you?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in my life - cars and men." They continued to talk and finally she asked "What's your name"? "Beerfuck," he replied.

 

[TheOlderGuy]

A guy brought his buddy home during lunch hour to grab a quick bite to eat. As they passed through the living room, both men noticed the guy's wife making passionate love on the couch to the mailman.

They proceeded to the kitchen where the guy started making two sandwiches. His buddy taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Hey, but what about the mailman?"

"Fuck him, he can make his own sandwich!"

 

[MCunnilinguist]

A man walks into a restaurant, and on the wall are two signs "specials today". Hand jobs $10...and cheese sandwiches $2.. The waitress, a beautiful blond walking towards the man to take his order...


The man says "are you the one that gives the hand jobs". The young lady says "why yes I am"


The man says " OK: wash your hands and bring me a cheese sandwich please"......

 

[TheOlderGuy]

Two psychiatrists pass each other in the hall on the way to their offices. "Good morning," says the first. The second wonders what exactly did he mean by that?

 

[TheOlderGuy]

Phil was getting about a month away from his wedding day, when his fiance asked him to come over to her house to pick out invitations. When he arrived her sister greeted him in the front hall in a provocative outfit. "You know," she said, "pretty soon you'll be married, but right now we could sneak up to my room and have some real fun." She wiggled her cute ass at him as she scampered up the stairs.

Phil turned and headed out the door. At his car he was met by his fiance's father. "Phil, congratulations. We tested you, and you passed with flying colors."

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car.

 

[flyte]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

 

[voxverite]

Jesus takes over for St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven one morning. Peter protests, but the Lord sends him fishin' and proceeds to welcome the folks who are lining up.

Toward the end of the day, as the sun is setting magnificently behind the clouds, Jesus notices a lone figure approaching. As the figure gets closer, he sees it's an old man, bewhiskered and frail, who seems to be searching for something.

When he draws close enough, Jesus calls out to him, "Old man! Can I help you?"

The old man says, "Well, maybe you can. You see, I'm a carpenter. Long ago I had a son, who I loved very much. He left when he was young, though. Over the years I heard many stories of his adventures, but he never returned to say goodbye to me."

Jesus stared and spoke quietly, "Father?"

The old man looked up and asked, "Pinocchio?"

 

[MCunnilinguist]

A nun dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says to her, "I'm sure you've lead a virtuous life, Sister, but before I can let you into heaven, you must answer one question. What," asks St. Peter,"were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?"

"Boy," says the nun, "that's a hard one."

"That's right!" says St. Peter, and the pearly gates open wide.

 

[linuxgeek]

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had A bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[Holly Delight]

This one's visual

...

 

[linuxgeek]

A farmer got pulled over by a Lansing Police Officer for speeding, and the officer started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the officer got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The officer stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's What they are; I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The officer says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me A horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The officer says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing The ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

 

[veryblueeyes]

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money." Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves."

 

[MagicFingers]

Women

Scientists have determined that most women actually receive a good amout of intellegent DNA in their lifetimes.

They also determined that 95% of them spit it out!

 

[TheOlderGuy]

The seven Dwarves approach the front of a convent, six of them pushing Dopey up the steps to the front door, and then retreat to the bushes in front.

Mother superior answers his knock, "May I help you?"

"I w..w..w..was wondering if you had any n..n..n..nuns here that are really short?" he indicates someone about two and a half feet tall.

Mother Superior shakes her head, "No, son we don't have any sisters that short."

Dopey turns to walk away, but then turns back, and asks her "Do you know of any other convents here that might have a really really short nun?"

"No, son, I'm really sorry. I know all of the sisters here in town and there aren't any who are that short."

He turns and walks down the steps, and as the door closes behind him, the other dwarves cry out in laughter "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin."

 

[TheOlderGuy]

Two stoners were walking down the street
when they passed a fly
on a pile of manure.
"Wow," said the one, "he really had to go bad."