Mistress
Lit's Original Mistress
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2001
- Posts
- 13,167
The 10 Most Wanted
Little Billy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station.
While there, they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board.
The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Billy asked, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
---------------------
Quote of the Day
Courage is the ability of being the only one to know you're scared to death.
------------------------
The Catholic Dictionary
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass--led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
---------------
New Sport Legends In The Making
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996
"You guys line up alphabetically by height. -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to jail for three years, not Yale."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@= clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record (1992): "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games."
LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
------------------
Sporty Quotes
"It's about 90% strength and 40% technique."
Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling champion, on what it takes to be a champ
"If I wasn't talking, I wouldn't know what to say."
Chico Resch, New York Islanders goaltender
"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during the National Hockey League's Stanley Cup playoffs
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series
"He fakes a bluff."
Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer
"It could permanently hurt a batter for a long time."
Pete Rose, Cincinnati Red, speaking about a brushback pitch
"Fans, don't fail to miss tomorrow's game."
Dizzy Dean, baseball great turned sports announcer
"Me and George and Billy are two of a kind."
Mickey Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder, on his warm relationship with Yankee owner Steinbrenner and manager Billy Martin
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres."
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to tell radio listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team
"His reputation preceded him before he got here."
Don Mattingly, New York Yankee, on Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden
"Even Napoleon had his Watergate."
Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager, commenting on a Phillies' ten-game losing streak
"We are experiencing audio technicalities."
Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets
"Folks, this is perfect weather for today's game. Not a breath of air."
Curt Gowdy, network sports announcer, on air
"I don't want to tell you any half-truths unless they're completely accurate."
Dennis Rappaport, boxing manager, explaining his silence regarding boxer Thomas Hearns
"A lot of people my age are dead at the present time."
Casey Stengel, baseball great, Yankees and Mets manager
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator
"And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is that Chicago at Kansas
City? Well, no matter, Kansas City leads in the eighth, 4 to 4."
Jerry Coleman, Padres announcer, going through the scoreboard on air.
"Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there: Happy birthday!"
Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets
"All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took
that and blew it all out of proportion."
Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher, commenting on press reports quoting him as criticizing team managers for trading top players
"They throw Winfield out at second and he's safe."
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
The following quote was made a few years ago by a Montreal Expos ball player, who was not named by the reporter (the player might have been Larry Walker): In reference to another player's mental faculties, the player replied, "He ain't no rocket surgeon."
'Whispering' Ted Lowe once said, "And for those of you watching on black-and-white, the pink ball is the one behind the blue."
"Formation drowning."
Alan Parry referring to synchronized swimming
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
Yogi Berra
"I'm wearing these gloves for my hands."
Yogi Berra, when asked why he was wearing gloves
"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and if he was poor, I'd return it."
Yogi Berra, answering Casey Stengel's question "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
"I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."
Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size
"The similarities between me and my father are different."
Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son
Little Billy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station.
While there, they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board.
The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Billy asked, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
---------------------
Quote of the Day
Courage is the ability of being the only one to know you're scared to death.
------------------------
The Catholic Dictionary
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass--led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
---------------
New Sport Legends In The Making
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996
"You guys line up alphabetically by height. -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to jail for three years, not Yale."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@= clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record (1992): "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games."
LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
------------------
Sporty Quotes
"It's about 90% strength and 40% technique."
Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling champion, on what it takes to be a champ
"If I wasn't talking, I wouldn't know what to say."
Chico Resch, New York Islanders goaltender
"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during the National Hockey League's Stanley Cup playoffs
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series
"He fakes a bluff."
Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer
"It could permanently hurt a batter for a long time."
Pete Rose, Cincinnati Red, speaking about a brushback pitch
"Fans, don't fail to miss tomorrow's game."
Dizzy Dean, baseball great turned sports announcer
"Me and George and Billy are two of a kind."
Mickey Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder, on his warm relationship with Yankee owner Steinbrenner and manager Billy Martin
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres."
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to tell radio listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team
"His reputation preceded him before he got here."
Don Mattingly, New York Yankee, on Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden
"Even Napoleon had his Watergate."
Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager, commenting on a Phillies' ten-game losing streak
"We are experiencing audio technicalities."
Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets
"Folks, this is perfect weather for today's game. Not a breath of air."
Curt Gowdy, network sports announcer, on air
"I don't want to tell you any half-truths unless they're completely accurate."
Dennis Rappaport, boxing manager, explaining his silence regarding boxer Thomas Hearns
"A lot of people my age are dead at the present time."
Casey Stengel, baseball great, Yankees and Mets manager
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator
"And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is that Chicago at Kansas
City? Well, no matter, Kansas City leads in the eighth, 4 to 4."
Jerry Coleman, Padres announcer, going through the scoreboard on air.
"Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there: Happy birthday!"
Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets
"All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took
that and blew it all out of proportion."
Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher, commenting on press reports quoting him as criticizing team managers for trading top players
"They throw Winfield out at second and he's safe."
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
The following quote was made a few years ago by a Montreal Expos ball player, who was not named by the reporter (the player might have been Larry Walker): In reference to another player's mental faculties, the player replied, "He ain't no rocket surgeon."
'Whispering' Ted Lowe once said, "And for those of you watching on black-and-white, the pink ball is the one behind the blue."
"Formation drowning."
Alan Parry referring to synchronized swimming
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
Yogi Berra
"I'm wearing these gloves for my hands."
Yogi Berra, when asked why he was wearing gloves
"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and if he was poor, I'd return it."
Yogi Berra, answering Casey Stengel's question "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
"I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."
Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size
"The similarities between me and my father are different."
Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son
