Jokes; Dirty, Clean, Funny and Not...

[Anorexic Squirrel]

I wanted to make a thread of stupid jokes. Go for it, post them. I know you know some, so let's hear.

 

[Anorexic Squirrel]

Bad, bad joke...

This came from my joke list today.

PAINTING ATTIRE

It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided
to visit my friend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and
beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking
in other areas.

Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and
instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it
herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and
brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches.

When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the
kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she
was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka. I asked her
why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She
brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the
instructions. I did.

It said, "For best results, put on two coats."

 

[Anorexic Squirrel]

Sorta Funny

See why I need you guys? My joke lists SUCK.


DROWNING

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when
Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come
in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There
was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.
I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,
Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did
he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

 

[Cipher]

Re: Bad, bad joke...

This came from my joke list today.

PAINTING ATTIRE

It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided
to visit my friend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and
beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking
in other areas.

Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and
instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it
herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and
brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches.

When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the
kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she
was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka. I asked her
why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She
brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the
instructions. I did.

It said, "For best results, put on two coats."

LoL!!! *Laughing* LoL!!! I gotta remember that one..*Wiping tear*

 

[mbb308]

A man walked into an Irish pub and challenged the drinkers to belt ten stouts straight, one right after the other, his treat, and $100 to the man who did it.

No one took him up on it. In fact, one man got up and left.

The man repeated his offer/challenge, but still, there were no takers.

Twenty minutes later, the man who left came back and asked the challenger if the offer was still valid.

Assured that it was, the two had the barkeep set up 10 Guinesses, and the man who had left drank then all, one right after the other.

While ponying up the $100 prize, the challenger asked the man why he had left and then came back to take him up on his offer.

"Why, I went to O'Malley's down the street to make sure I could do it first."

 

[AuntDelicious]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded

 

[Cipher]

A man walked into an Irish pub and challenged the drinkers to belt ten stouts straight, one right after the other, his treat, and $100 to the man who did it.

No one took him up on it. In fact, one man got up and left.

The man repeated his offer/challenge, but still, there were no takers.

Twenty minutes later, the man who left came back and asked the challenger if the offer was still valid.

Assured that it was, the two had the barkeep set up 10 Guinesses, and the man who had left drank then all, one right after the other.

While ponying up the $100 prize, the challenger asked the man why he had left and then came back to take him up on his offer.

"Why, I went to O'Malley's down the street to make sure I could do it first."

LoL!!!! Haha!!!...Practice makes perfect!!!...LoL

 

[Anorexic Squirrel]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded

lol

thumbs up to you

 

[Anorexic Squirrel]

Another Joke

MATERIALISTIC LAWYERS

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in
front of the office, ready to show it off to his
colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too
close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's
door of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone,
dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a
policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask
any questions, the lawyer started screaming
hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up
the day before, was now completely ruined and would
never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to
make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the
cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't
believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't
notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off
when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

 

[Anorexic Squirrel]

LEARNING ADULT WORDS

The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their
teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were
no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown
up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to
tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The
teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your
Grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-
choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a
trip on a train. That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did
during the summer.

He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher
asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest
and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Sh*t."

 

[Cipher]

Re: Another Joke

MATERIALISTIC LAWYERS

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in
front of the office, ready to show it off to his
colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too
close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's
door of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone,
dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a
policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask
any questions, the lawyer started screaming
hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up
the day before, was now completely ruined and would
never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to
make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the
cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't
believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't
notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off
when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

Dang...LoL "Not the rolex"..LMFAO I dunno what u were talkin about earlier about not havin good jokes..i'm crackin up over here..LoL..Which might i add is badly needed..LoL

 

[arctic aurora]

A man walks into a tavern in NYC and orders a Guiness. A man down the bar says "I see you ordered a Guiness. Are you from Ireland?"

The man replies "Yes, and from your accent you sound like you're from the Emerald Isle too."

"Sure, and that I am" replied the other. "So where are you from?"

"County Meath"

"County Meath?" the other replied. "So am I. This calls for another Guiness. Bartender. A Guiness for my friend and another for me."

So they down their beer and the first man asks

"And from what town in County Meath?"

"Kilmessan."

"Kilmessan, you say. So am I." and he goes over to the other and throws his arms around him. "Bartender. another Guiness for us both"

" So when did you complete your schooling?"

"1985"

" What? So did I? This is amazing." and the two men put their arms around each other and started to weep.

A third man walks into the bar and asks the bartender, "What's up with those two?"

The bartender replies "Oh nothing. It's just the O'Malley twins drunk again."

 

[CarolinaBabe]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They
continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son. "Quick.....Go get your mother!!!"

 

[mbb308]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They
continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son. "Quick.....Go get your mother!!!"

*snicker*

Wish it would have worked on my second wife!!!

 

[AuntDelicious]

Professor of Mathematics


A Professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read;

Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. ~ Your Husband.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows;

" Dear Husband: You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up!"