Joke Thread

[Isolde]

1. WORKIN' ON THE RAILROAD

Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. At his interview,
the inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw
2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?"

Benny replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"Good. But what if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny, "and use the manual
lever there."

"What if lightning struck it?" asked the inspector.

"Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal box and phone the
next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, "I'd rush down out of the
box and use the public emergency phone at the level of the crossing up
there..."

"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

"Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my Uncle Toby."

This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "And just
why would you do that?"

"Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!!"


2. GET YOUR OWN DIRT

God is tired of man thinking more highly of himself than he ought to,
and he's especially upset now that man is messing with DNA and
cloning. So he comes down to earth just as there's a Scientist's
Convention going on.

After the last speaker speaks, God walks up to the podium and
introduces himself - "Hello, I am God. Yes, I am real, and I am sick
of you all trying to play Me. I am the Creator and you need to stay
out of my business."

One of the scientists stands up and says, "Well, I tell you what, God.
Let's go outside, and if I can make a man, you leave us alone. If I
can't, we'll stop."

God agrees and they go outside. God spits in the dirt and starts
molding a man out of the mud. The scientist also bends down and takes
a handful of dirt.

"Wait!" God says, "Get your own dirt!"

Many thanks to Trina H. from Youngstown, Ohio for today's Joke #2!


3. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six," in
spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts
back..."Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

 

[willywanker]

Ohhhhhh, #3 is baaaaaad

but really funny.

Thanks for the jokes.

 

[Shylady]

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. A man
found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people,
no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next
four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old
life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the
corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him and in disbelief, he asked
her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many
are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me, "she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing
did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple, " replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials
that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the
island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I
found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it
melted into forgettable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used
the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where
do you live?"

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the
whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes
of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to
the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk
leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the
woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man
could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walked into the house,
she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down,
please; would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more
coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How
about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on
her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going
to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower
and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There
in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed
to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines -
strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me, " she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've
been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into
his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied...
"You mean huh.....I can check my e-mail from here?"

 

[registered "^^"]

a true computer

addict shy. lol, good morning!

 

[p_p_man]

Some Jokes From India...

Patel bhai genius
*********************
A Patel bhai at Devon, Chicago was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS'. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES'.

Patel bhai got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own
shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.



Oh Sardarji!
**********************
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.

"What's the problem?"asked the doctor.

"I'm 2400 kms from home."



Sunday special
****************
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach
him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mum sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

 

[Savage Kitten]

Animal trainer (Kitty Style)

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,... Think you can do better than that?"

The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"

 

[Ticklish Girl]

An elderly couple was watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faced the camera, and announced, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman had been having terrible stomach problems, so she placed one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approached the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife said, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

 

[Dianno]

I'm still hung up on:

Q: How do you make a Cat go woof.

A: Soak it in petrol and give it a match.

 

[SGTBIGDOG420]

A magician on a cruise ship always did the same act because the people changed regularly. The captains parrot got to yelling out the secrets of the tricks like the rabbits already in the hat, look under the table that's where he keeps the dove, and so on. One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot ended up on the same plank off wood. After about five hours of floating the parrot finally ask ok I give up where the hell did you put the ship.


A salesman rings the doorbell and a little kid about 10 years old answers holding a martini and puffing on a big cigar. The salesman asks hi sons are your parent’s home? The kid flicks the ashes on the rug and says what the hell you think.

 

[spacekowboy]

Why didn't Mattel ever make a pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken came in another box!

 

[spacekowboy]

oh another good one...

i'm on a plane the other day. the captain comes on over the loudspeaker and says : "hello ladies and gentlemen , this is your captain speaking. we are currently cruising at 600 mph at an altitude of 35,000 feet . we'll be coming up on L.A.X. in about an hour and a half . the crew and i wish to thank you for choosing american airlines. we will keep you abreast of any weather changes or turbulence we come across , thank you "

and with that he clicks off the reciever . or so he thought . all of a sudden over the speaker you hear his voice saying "gawd! you know all i really want right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee "

hearing this the stewardess takes off running for the cockpit , to tell the captain that the microphone is still on .

as she's running the guy sitting next to me yells out "hey, honey? don't forget the cup of coffee!"


it works better in the first person than the third .