Joke Thread........

[Chuckus]

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted
weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one exception, his penis. He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a cane and upon
seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!"
The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "Look at that........
When I was 20............... I was curious about it.
When I was 30............... I enjoyed it.
When I was 40............... I asked for it.
When I was 50............... I paid for it.
When I was 60............... I prayed for it.
When I was 70............... I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!"

 

[Chuckus]

A little local flavored joke for ya!!!!!

A Driver's Guide to Charlotte, NC:

Charlotte is composed mostly of one street. It just bears MANY different
names. For example:
Wendover is the same as Runnymede, is the same as Woodlawn, is the same as
Billy Graham, is the same as Sugarcreek, is the same as Eastway, is the
same as Wendover.

All directions will most certainly include the following phrase: "...when
you come to the corner of Queens and Queens..."

Sharon Road has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:
Sharon Road West, Sharon Road East, Sharon View, Sharon Lakes, Sharon
Amity, Sharon Hills, Sharon Terrace, Sharon Harbor, Sharon Lane, etc.

Charlotteans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask
anyone for directions, make sure that they're from out of town.

The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 a.m.
The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 7:30 p.m.
Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning and lasts through 2:00 a.m.
Saturday.

Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody, especially those of us who
live here. Stay out of them unless you are looking for a head-on collision.

The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all
traffic rules. So will daylight savings time, a girl applying eyeshadow in
the next car, the man shaving and talking on his cell phone at the same
time, or a flat tire three lanes over.

If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's
on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a month. All the
grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet
paper, and beer if there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does snow, people
will be on every street corner selling "I survived the blizzard" t-shirts.

It is always Smog Alert Day.

Street construction is a way of life, and a permanent form of
entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Charlotte's version of Old
Faithful erupts. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless
they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

I-485 is our equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck
on I-485, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized
SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon or
the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus, coming home from the
college prep preschool.

The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy which starts at
120. Charlotte is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range, and all roads,
vehicles, houses, etc., are yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you
Have any allergies you will die.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless
your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full
clip.

So let's all just try to understand the rules and get along.

 

[BlondGirl]

> >A Detroit woman is in the welfare office filling out forms.
The welfare officer asks her how many children she has.
"Ten boys",

"And their names?"
"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy,Leroy, Leroy,Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."

"All named Leroy?" Why would you name them all Leroy?"
"That way, when I want them all to come in from the yard I just yell LEROY, and when I want them to come in for dinner I just yell LEROY!"

"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"

"Then I call him by his last name"

 

[Chuckus]

RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an
argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.
26. Nothing says, "I love you" like sex.