joke thread

[Texan]

I just received this in an email. I couldn't find a good joke thread to post it in..... sometimes, I can use a good laugh.... got a good one... .post it...



A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
>The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
>the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second
>everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't
>ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger
>apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so
>much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my
>first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25
>years"

 

[Mensa]

Man is in a bar, sees a very pretty woman sitting alone. Introduces himself and they strike up a conversation. One thing leads to another and they start talking about sexual preferences. Man states that he's really into sadism. Loves to inflict pain and torture to his partner.
Woman tells him that is amazing because she's into masochism. Loves to be tortured. Declares it must be fate their meeting. Proposes they go back to her place and get it on.
When they arrive the woman says she wants him to tie her to the bed, naked, and really torture her without mercy. He agrees. Woman quickly removes all her clothes, lies down on the bed and he ties her securely. She can barely move, can't untie herself at all. Tells the man that she's ready for her torture, to go ahead and really give it to her.
Man stands beside the bed, looks at his helpless victim and says "No!"

 

[Unclebill]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

[Andra_Jenny]

OK stop me if you've heard this...

Knock, knock...

 

[roosterboy]

A man is walking along a beach in So Cal when he yells, "lord please grant me one wish". The lord calls down and asks what the man wants to wish for. The man says, "I am terrified of any type of travel besides cars. Please build me a highway that stretches from here to Hawaii so I can visit whenever I want". The lord calls back down and explains the way of the world and how he didn't create the ocean floor to sustain such a structure and that the laws of nature, that he had created, didn't allow such a structure to be created. He tells the man to wish for something else. "Ok lord please explain to me the secrets of WOMEN". The lord ponders his comment for a moment and calls back down and says, "Was that a 4 or 6 lane?"