Joke Of The Day

[slyc_willie]

I don't doubt there's another thread like this out there, and I'm sure this one might die in a few days, too, but I'm in the mood for a laugh. So I'll start things off with a couple of groaners that have been rolling around in my head for a while.

-----

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices the pirate has a ship's wheel thrust down the front of his pants, but he doesn't say anything at first.

The pirate sidles up to the bar, his one good eye bulging, cracked lips sneering. "Arr! Matey! Gimme a shot o' rum!"

The bartender shrugs, pours a shot of rum. The pirate tosses it back, sighs, wipes his mouth.

"I'll have me another."

The bartender pours another shot, noting that several other patrons in the bar are giving the pirate and his ship's wheel curious looks.

After a couple more shots, the bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer. He pours a fifth shot of rum for the pirate, then leans upon the bar. "Excuse me, sir, but . . . well, I can't help but notice you have a ship's wheel shoved down the front of your pants."

The pirate gulps down the fifth shot of rum and steps back, taking two of the handles in hand. "Arr!" he bellows. "It's drivin' me nuts!"



-------

A young girl is having breakfast with her mother one morning. "Mommy?" she asks. "How much do you weigh?"

The mother gives her daughter a look. "Now, now. You don't ask a woman how much she weighs."

The daughter thinks a moment, than asks, "Mommy? How old are you?"

The mother shakes her head. "You don't ask a woman how old she is, either."

Later that day at school, the girl is talking to her friends. One of her friends sees an easy answer to the girl's questions.

"All you have to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card. It doesn't lie."

So, that afternoon, the girl goes home and finds her mother's driver's license in Mommy's purse. At dinner, the girl says, "Mommy, you're 35 years old and you weigh 130 pounds."

The mother frowns. "How do you know that?" she wants to know.

"I looked at your driver's license, Mommy," the girl says with a grin. Then she gets a knowing look on her young face. "I also know why Daddy divorced you."

The mother frowns even deeper. "And why's that?"

"'Cause you got an 'F' in Sex."



------

Your turn.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

 

[Spawn_of_Cloudy]

I got one thats really mean but its an ok joke

Guy walks up to a crippled girl by the pool.
Girl says, "I've never been hugged" so he hugs her.
Girl says, "I've never been kissed" so he kisses her.
Girl says, "I've never been fucked" so he grabs her and throws her in the pool and says, "Now your fucked!"

*hides behind his mom who will protect him from anyone that wants to kill him after saying this joke*

 

[Emperor_Nero]

I don't doubt there's another thread like this out there, and I'm sure this one might die in a few days, too, but I'm in the mood for a laugh. So I'll start things off with a couple of groaners that have been rolling around in my head for a while.

-----

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices the pirate has a ship's wheel thrust down the front of his pants, but he doesn't say anything at first.

The pirate sidles up to the bar, his one good eye bulging, cracked lips sneering. "Arr! Matey! Gimme a shot o' rum!"

The bartender shrugs, pours a shot of rum. The pirate tosses it back, sighs, wipes his mouth.

"I'll have me another."

The bartender pours another shot, noting that several other patrons in the bar are giving the pirate and his ship's wheel curious looks.

After a couple more shots, the bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer. He pours a fifth shot of rum for the pirate, then leans upon the bar. "Excuse me, sir, but . . . well, I can't help but notice you have a ship's wheel shoved down the front of your pants."

The pirate gulps down the fifth shot of rum and steps back, taking two of the handles in hand. "Arr!" he bellows. "It's drivin' me nuts!"



-------

A young girl is having breakfast with her mother one morning. "Mommy?" she asks. "How much do you weigh?"

The mother gives her daughter a look. "Now, now. You don't ask a woman how much she weighs."

The daughter thinks a moment, than asks, "Mommy? How old are you?"

The mother shakes her head. "You don't ask a woman how old she is, either."

Later that day at school, the girl is talking to her friends. One of her friends sees an easy answer to the girl's questions.

"All you have to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card. It doesn't lie."

So, that afternoon, the girl goes home and finds her mother's driver's license in Mommy's purse. At dinner, the girl says, "Mommy, you're 35 years old and you weigh 130 pounds."

The mother frowns. "How do you know that?" she wants to know.

"I looked at your driver's license, Mommy," the girl says with a grin. Then she gets a knowing look on her young face. "I also know why Daddy divorced you."

The mother frowns even deeper. "And why's that?"

"'Cause you got an 'F' in Sex."



------

Your turn.

The first one had me dying ... my nephew got caught telling that joke by his teacher (4th grade at Catholic school). He almost got in as much trouble as his Dad after it was discovered that's who told him.

 

[kiten69]

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die."

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.

"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

 

[slyc_willie]

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

*snicker*

 

[Spawn_of_Cloudy]

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

Lol that had me laughing...

 

[kiten69]

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.




*snicker*...truer words have never been spoken

 

[slyc_willie]

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.




*snicker*...truer words have never been spoken

The truth of life . . .

 

[Boota]

mean joke warning:

An old man takes his wife to the doctor for some tests. The doctor comes out to talk to the old man and tells him that he has narrowed down his wife's possible problems to two things.

"It's either AIDS or Alzheimer's," the doctor says.

"AIDS or Alzheimer's? Can't you tell any better than that? What the hell can I do with a diagnose like that?"

"Well, if I were you, I'd drive her way out in the country and kick her out of the car. If she finds her way home... don't fuck her."

 

[Dar~]

mean joke warning:

An old man takes his wife to the doctor for some tests. The doctor comes out to talk to the old man and tells him that he has narrowed down his wife's possible problems to two things.

"It's either AIDS or Alzheimer's," the doctor says.

"AIDS or Alzheimer's? Can't you tell any better than that? What the hell can I do with a diagnose like that?"

"Well, if I were you, I'd drive her way out in the country and kick her out of the car. If she finds her way home... don't fuck her."

two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks.

 

[Spawn_of_Cloudy]

mean joke warning:

An old man takes his wife to the doctor for some tests. The doctor comes out to talk to the old man and tells him that he has narrowed down his wife's possible problems to two things.

"It's either AIDS or Alzheimer's," the doctor says.

"AIDS or Alzheimer's? Can't you tell any better than that? What the hell can I do with a diagnose like that?"

"Well, if I were you, I'd drive her way out in the country and kick her out of the car. If she finds her way home... don't fuck her."

That joke was really mean but you can't help but snicker at it thinking "well i'm going to hell now"

 

[slyc_willie]

mean joke warning:

An old man takes his wife to the doctor for some tests. The doctor comes out to talk to the old man and tells him that he has narrowed down his wife's possible problems to two things.

"It's either AIDS or Alzheimer's," the doctor says.

"AIDS or Alzheimer's? Can't you tell any better than that? What the hell can I do with a diagnose like that?"

"Well, if I were you, I'd drive her way out in the country and kick her out of the car. If she finds her way home... don't fuck her."

LOL . . . .

You're so going to hell for that one

 

[Emperor_Nero]

An older couple were beginning to forget things regularly and went to see their family doctor, worried about Alzheimers. After a complete workup on each of them, the doctor told them their was nothing wrong with them but getting older and recommended they start writing things down.
Later that night, as the couple laid in bed, the husband got up and said he was going downstairs for some ice cream and asked his wife if she wanted some. She said yes, with some chocolate sauce and whipped cream.
He said OK and as he started to walk out of the room, she asked if he wanted to write it down so he wouldn't forget.
He got indignent, yelling he could remember a bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce and whipped cream.
After about 20 minutes, the husband returned and presented his wife with a beautiful plate of bacon and eggs.
She said, "I told you that you should have written things down.
"You forgot the toast!"

 

[Jubal_Harshaw]

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and
yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing
serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal
every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out
the savage beast in him.
He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a
progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking his balls, and I
backed over him with the car."

________________________________________________

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.
The small one turns to the big one and says;
I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids...
I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer,
there's nothing'left but lips and a briefcase!"

_______________________________________

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 for the deed. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

She figures in for a penny, in for a pound -- and it was fantastic the
night before -- so she agrees.

This goes on for five nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the
bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.
Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more
attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I," she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris," he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "so am I -- what street?"

"Cameo Street" he says.

"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.

"You are not going to believe this" she says. "I'm from number 22 and my
parents still live there!"

"I know" he says. "Your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

 

[slyc_willie]

Loved 'em, Jubal . . . especially the second one.

So true it's funny . . .

 

[Jubal_Harshaw]

A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him noticed and asked what the matter was.
He said that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh.
The man next to him laughed and said, ''Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidentally said, "You fucking bitch, you ruined my life."

 

[3113]

mean joke warning:

An old man takes his wife to the doctor for some tests. The doctor comes out to talk to the old man and tells him that he has narrowed down his wife's possible problems to two things.

"It's either AIDS or Alzheimer's," the doctor says.

"AIDS or Alzheimer's? Can't you tell any better than that? What the hell can I do with a diagnose like that?"

"Well, if I were you, I'd drive her way out in the country and kick her out of the car. If she finds her way home... don't fuck her."

This one had me LOL. So I guess I'm joining Boota, Cloudy and anyone else with a sick sense of humor in hell. I'll buy the first round of beers

 

[cumallday]

not for the faint of heart

Definitely not safe for work. No kids in the room either.
http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/06/princess1.html

I'm going to hell for these three:

What's grosser than gross?
A garbage can full of dead babies.

What's grosser than that?
The one at the bottom is still alive.

What's grosser than that?
He's eating his way to the top.

 

[N0madS0uL]

LMAO! Awesome jokes people

Well this one isn't as funny but you might still like it....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A six year old son rushes into his parents' bedroom.

6yr old son : Mom! Mom! Come quick. There's a stranger downstairs kissing our maid.

Mom charges behind her son with a golf club as he leads her to the kitchen.

Son : April Fool! It's only daddy!

 

[Selena_Kitt]

mean joke warning:

An old man takes his wife to the doctor for some tests. The doctor comes out to talk to the old man and tells him that he has narrowed down his wife's possible problems to two things.

"It's either AIDS or Alzheimer's," the doctor says.

"AIDS or Alzheimer's? Can't you tell any better than that? What the hell can I do with a diagnose like that?"

"Well, if I were you, I'd drive her way out in the country and kick her out of the car. If she finds her way home... don't fuck her."

BOOOOOOOOOOTTTAAAAA!!!! *TACKLE*

 

[Dar~]

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, the problem is getting them in there.

 

[slyc_willie]

Definitely not safe for work. No kids in the room either.
http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/06/princess1.html

That was just . . . um . . . .

Not sure if I want to catch any other episodes.

 

[slyc_willie]

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, the problem is getting them in there.

*chuckle*

 

[TE999]

It's time for some puns!

1) A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant stops him and says "I'm sorry sir. Only one carrion per passenger."

2) Two fish are swimming along and bump their heads into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam."

3) Two Inuits were paddling along in their kayak. They became chilly and decided to build a fire to keep warm. It burnt through the bottom and they had to swim for shore. The moral of the story is: You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4) A Bhuddist decided to refuse Novacain while his wisdom teeth were being extracted. He goal was to transcend dental medication.

5) A man sent a different pun to ten friends, hoping one would make a friend laugh. As it turned out, no pun in ten did.