Jealousy

[Netzach]

you know, i've done poly a few times in the past. i'm not prone to jealousy either but they all, for one reason or another, failed.

i've figured out that the main reason is that the immense effort needed to consider and communicate with multiple partners is WAY too much for the amount of pleasure or satisfaction gained from such relationships.

i believe, and i expect a lot of no, no, nos from people, is that most people would truly prefer to be in a one on one relationship and be the preferred partner.

Most, not all. I like to be "the preferred" as much as the next person but I love not being the only. Holy shit, does that take some of the heat off and give me an evening of solid alone time predictably? Are you kidding, give that up?

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

This is very timely question for me. My PYL and I have been discussing the issue of jealousy quite a bit lately.

This is my situation--I have been in a LDR with my PYL for just about 5 yrs now. We have on rare occasions men and a woman join us in purely sexual sessions in the past. I have had no jealousy at all with him being sexually with another woman in front of me. He wasn't really friends with her before or afterwards. With the men we have been with I am not allowed to have any interaction with them before or after.

Our present situation is we both have become friends with a woman who we will meet and she will submit to both him and I, though he will of course be in ultimate control over both of us.

There are a couple of things I have learned about myself the past few months.

Witnessing him dominate another woman is tons more difficult than witnessing him fucking another woman

There is no way to know what will trigger my jealousy buttons. Logical thinking means nothing when it comes to these buttons. However, I have found that if I can have a few seconds or minutes to readjust mentally it's not a big deal. My logic and security kicks in and I am fine.

Secondly, having an emotional safeword...really more a emotional safecode makes me feel much more confident. Since I don't know what my triggers may be knowing that I can use a simple word that is known just to him and I and that won't effect flow of the activity but will convey that I am may need a little reassuring or less intensity is very comforting.

This gets more complicated in that I am a humiliation masochist. Triggering my jealousy buttons is in some ways part of the attraction. It is also a fine line. We will find out soon how it goes.

Knowing 100% without any doubt that my D/s relationship is secure helps me. However, I have discovered what really makes it possible for me to go ahead with this without hesitation is knowing that it is what he wants. Submitting to what he wants, what will make him happy is what matters. It is also what excites me about the situation. Being able to conquer my jealousy demons to make the situation drama-free and fun for him is submission, which is what I want from this relationship.

It also helps that I really am connecting with the other woman emotionally on a friendship level. She is fun and sexy. She also is very respectful of my relationship with my PYL. Which means a great deal to me.

For a one off or occasional ongoing?

Does that change your thought processes/feelings at all?

 

[incubus'_sub]

chy, i respect your desire to make it work, been there, tried just as hard. my poly times were not, on the whole, hard times either.

my master and part of the polyrelationship is also scary brilliant. he's full of knowledge and a very good communicator who also eventually came to the conclusion that all the understanding, communication and appropriate methods of behaviour don't take away the gut reaction of jealousy. the fact that it's an outside person and not one of your people really makes little difference. it's still having an enough of an impact for you to bring it here for discussion.

interestingly we also discovered that all the good intentions, the love, the constant communication and set boundaries, however much understood when going in to it, eventually made no difference. we were all sitting on petty irritations that we were too polite, too loving, too determined not to acknowledge.

netz, i agree with you that extra partners take the heat off and add heat too lol. this adds to our relationship which is now a committed couple with the odd play stray.

 

[ecstaticsub]

For a one off or occasional ongoing?

Does that change your thought processes/feelings at all?

We are still at the beginning of this relationship with her. We will go one step at a time. I know my PYL is not interesting in owning another submissive. I am hoping this will be an ongoing relationship. Even if it gets more intense between the two of them I know I will always have a unique and special place in his life.

I am very hopeful and excited about the entire situation.

 

[Netzach]

chy, i respect your desire to make it work, been there, tried just as hard. my poly times were not, on the whole, hard times either.

my master and part of the polyrelationship is also scary brilliant. he's full of knowledge and a very good communicator who also eventually came to the conclusion that all the understanding, communication and appropriate methods of behaviour don't take away the gut reaction of jealousy. the fact that it's an outside person and not one of your people really makes little difference. it's still having an enough of an impact for you to bring it here for discussion.

interestingly we also discovered that all the good intentions, the love, the constant communication and set boundaries, however much understood when going in to it, eventually made no difference. we were all sitting on petty irritations that we were too polite, too loving, too determined not to acknowledge.

netz, i agree with you that extra partners take the heat off and add heat too lol. this adds to our relationship which is now a committed couple with the odd play stray.

I guess my arrangements bear more resemblance to that than to a really earnest intentional triad making everything work all the time, only the other people are fixed entities and have history and emotional investment and blah blah - M has his BF and I have mine. The spouses and extras all *like* one another but the relationships are tangential to the marriage and run along it on parallel tracks. The switches get thrown once in a blue moon at most. The end result is outta sight outta mind, hope he's having as much fun tonight as I am or more, see ya tomorrow, whatever. Honestly the jealousy factor just doesn't come up - I've tried to analyze why - I think it's because M is just born without the impulse like I must be born without a biological babymaking clock - something you're SUPPOSED to have, but appears missing - and I'm completely unthreatened by his partner who is completely unlike me.

Jealousy seems to have most to do with the "am I being replaced" issue.

Sometimes really earnest intentional heartfelt hashing everything out pokes the embers into flames rather than letting them fizzle. I have jealous moments involving my other partner and his tomcat ways, and I basically just AM JEALOUS until I get over myself and decide that I'm having more fun than not. If I decide otherwise at some point, the person in question gets fired - it's just that basic. I think human relationships boil down to "is this net beneficial or not?" If not, then move out of your mother's house and 1500 miles away, quit your job and do something else, write that Dear John letter and get on with life. It's short and the suffering only teaches valuable things to a point. You don't win valuable prizes for martyrdom.

There's some stuff a person just has to process on their own - D's who have to intervene in the processing of every little thought - ugh. Not my thing. I don't do it for H either - I know he has to deal with some stuff on his own and he tends to retreat till really foul moods pass. That's OK to a point, by me.

 

[00Syd]

I feel shitty about not having responded to this thread in any great detail, because I really do have a lot to say, and some experiences to share. PM me if you like, since that might get me to respond quicker, but either way I'll defintely try to respond. It just might take me a little while to get to it.

 

[incubus'_sub]

netzach, that's exactly what i was trying to say but you put it so much better.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

We are still at the beginning of this relationship with her. We will go one step at a time. I know my PYL is not interesting in owning another submissive. I am hoping this will be an ongoing relationship. Even if it gets more intense between the two of them I know I will always have a unique and special place in his life.

I am very hopeful and excited about the entire situation.

I hope to hear more about it, as it progresses.

I have a feeling it could be something I could be involved with one day, but know that right now, we're far too fresh and new for it to work, at least from my end.

But hearing, will be good for me, if you don't mind. *reins in the perving a tad*

 

[ecstaticsub]

I hope to hear more about it, as it progresses.

I have a feeling it could be something I could be involved with one day, but know that right now, we're far too fresh and new for it to work, at least from my end.

But hearing, will be good for me, if you don't mind. *reins in the perving a tad*

I'll let you know how it goes.