Jealousy

[LilyMelb]

Hi all,

I'm pretty new to posting on the forums, especially the BDSM one, so go easy on me pleeeaassee...

I have something I would welcome other's opinions on. In D/s relationships where there is more than one sub, how do you - as either Dom or sub - deal with any jealousy which may arise?

Let me give you some background. I've a Dom I'm in love with, and he's in love with me (he tells me so, so it must be true, right? heh). He's a player, though, and I've known that from the start... but I've never had any problem with his playing with others (ours is not a live together relationship and I think if I wanted to play in a vanilla sense with others he would, though very reluctantly, let me). This nature of our relationship was always open and agreed upon.

A few months back, however, he brought another sub to my house and held a session with her in my bedroom, whilst I was sent to wait upstairs. The other sub did not like playing with other women and it made her uncomfortable that I was there. So I was sent upstairs to wait. Now, this hurt me. It hurt me extremely, terribly, horribly badly. At first I said nothing, but then I talked to him about it and whilst he was surprised, he no longer brings her to my house. Yet for the first time in our relationship, I can not help but feel jealous. Not in a hateful way - I don't blame her, or him - but I simply feel as if I've been replaced in his interests.

I'm not a competitive person. I can't compete with this other sub for his attention or affections. Yet I also feel I have no right to be jealous or hurt, for the nature of our relationship was always known and open. Though it must be said that never before has any play-friend of his become so close and long standing a relationship as it has with this other sub.

So how do others deal with situations where there's more than one sub, but these kind of emotions get in the way? I tried to explain that whilst I was sub, I was also human, but it just ended up bringing my submission into question. I then tried to ask how he would feel if our positions were reversed, but he only said that I was stepping outside of the D/s realms of our relationship. He's a Dom, I'm sub, so the situation would never be reversed, so it was an irrelevant way to think about it, so he told me.

Bah humbug, lol. Anyway, the whole thing just got me thinking about this kind of relationship and how different Doms and subs react to it. I'd love to know what people think generally about this kind of thing.

Talk to me...

Love Lily

 

[DarkChylde]

SSC... or something

Seems to me, Lily, that this particular Dom isn't right for you. Don't get me wrong; in the right circumstances that sort of "agonizing wait" can be fun, but only if it's done in the right way. Obviously it wasn't.
That's the problem with "open relationships". One party generally ends up wanting/feeling/expecting/whatever more, one way or another, be it more commitment/playmates/what have you. And thats a mistake a lot of people make when it comes to D/s relationships. Some feel that they can dick around doing whatever they want, that emotion doesn't factor in. And does, possiblely even more so than a vanilla relationship, because of the nature of the beast, so to speak. Now, if you feel that you've been replaced, whether you have been or not, it's no longer a good scene for you. Thats what this whole thing is about, being happy and safe. And it doesn't sound like you are, so if you can't resovle the dilema then it's time to get the hell out.

'Nuff said.

Cheers
-DarkChylde

PS - I really enjoyed "A girl from GAGGED"

 

[curiousjen]

Hi all,

I'm pretty new to posting on the forums, especially the BDSM one, so go easy on me pleeeaassee...

I have something I would welcome other's opinions on. In D/s relationships where there is more than one sub, how do you - as either Dom or sub - deal with any jealousy which may arise?

Let me give you some background. I've a Dom I'm in love with, and he's in love with me (he tells me so, so it must be true, right? heh). He's a player, though, and I've known that from the start... but I've never had any problem with his playing with others (ours is not a live together relationship and I think if I wanted to play in a vanilla sense with others he would, though very reluctantly, let me). This nature of our relationship was always open and agreed upon.

A few months back, however, he brought another sub to my house and held a session with her in my bedroom, whilst I was sent to wait upstairs. The other sub did not like playing with other women and it made her uncomfortable that I was there. So I was sent upstairs to wait. Now, this hurt me. It hurt me extremely, terribly, horribly badly. At first I said nothing, but then I talked to him about it and whilst he was surprised, he no longer brings her to my house. Yet for the first time in our relationship, I can not help but feel jealous. Not in a hateful way - I don't blame her, or him - but I simply feel as if I've been replaced in his interests.

I'm not a competitive person. I can't compete with this other sub for his attention or affections. Yet I also feel I have no right to be jealous or hurt, for the nature of our relationship was always known and open. Though it must be said that never before has any play-friend of his become so close and long standing a relationship as it has with this other sub.

So how do others deal with situations where there's more than one sub, but these kind of emotions get in the way? I tried to explain that whilst I was sub, I was also human, but it just ended up bringing my submission into question. I then tried to ask how he would feel if our positions were reversed, but he only said that I was stepping outside of the D/s realms of our relationship. He's a Dom, I'm sub, so the situation would never be reversed, so it was an irrelevant way to think about it, so he told me.

Bah humbug, lol. Anyway, the whole thing just got me thinking about this kind of relationship and how different Doms and subs react to it. I'd love to know what people think generally about this kind of thing.

Talk to me...

Love Lily

I hesitate what to say to you here, lily. I don't know you hardly at all and I'm not so great at the advice thing (I have a hard enough time figuring out myself and what to do in life). However if one of my friends got involved with someone like this I would tell them to run a mile and don't look back.

NOT because of the open relationship thing, although he clearly isn't taking into account your feelings. Me and my husband eventually want to explore our poly side, but if we do we will set up boundaries and limits and protect both of us.

The reason I would run though, is this sentence

tried to explain that whilst I was sub, I was also human, but it just ended up bringing my submission into question. I then tried to ask how he would feel if our positions were reversed, but he only said that I was stepping outside of the D/s realms of our relationship.

That just screams of headfuckery and wankerdom to me, sorry to be so blunt ineloquent but I'm tired. At the very least it would set serious alarm bells ringing in my head. If O were ever to question the nature my submission, something so personal and treasured in the middle of an argument I'd be pissed off. Let alone if it was an argument about him sending me upstairs in my own house whilst without asking he had brought a sub home and played upstairs with her with no thought for my feelings, then I'd flip, and seriously consider if he is a Dom worth submitting too.

Not that submission is not to be questioned, but it, IMHO is not something that should be used to shut you up or wangle out of blame in an argument. Merely explaining that you are only human or asking him to see both sides of the story is not unsubmissive or stepping outside D/s, he is wrong, unless you yanked his head back, slapped him and screamed in his face at the same time or something.

He has behaved like a dickhead. IMO

Sorry if I've got this all wrong, maybe he's a lovely man and I'm just tired.

But somehow, i doubt it.

 

[SueJ]

'Hate to say it, but....yeah....I suggest you RUN from this guy.... ...for all the reasons already stated.

Sue

 

[svb1972]

Submission is a gift..
and it's something you do willingly.. and that is part of the joy of it. Knowing that your sub.. is giving of themselves in that way..
This guy, just sounds and feels like a user. Had you talked about this being a secret fantasy of yours? or did he just decide.. I'll use her place, cause it's convenient. But really, if when you tried to talk about it, he said, "you're my sub.. shutup.. effectively.. which is what it sounds like he said.. then. It sounds like he's not the right Dom for you.

 

[AgentAika]

Obviously I don't know you or your Dom but just from reading your post, I have to agree with what others have said here. I am appalled at this guy's behaviour, it's truly disgusting. It would be different if this was something you'd discussed and shared a fantasy about but from what you say, this causes you nothing but pain and humiliation....and not in a good way.

It seems to me that the only feelings and desires that he appears to consider are his own; not yours, not those of the other sub either - just his.
How can he be anything but a selfish person out to get what he can from as many people as possible?

You say he is a player - I'd say he is a prime loser and a waste of space.

My heart really goes out to you Lily but for Goddess' sake, please get rid of this guy and find yourself a proper Dom; one that will respect you and your wishes.

I apologise if my words hurt or offend you, they are not meant to but I really hate it when people treat others like this. As has been said before, submission is a gift - a beautiful one at that - it is not a right. The gift of submission should never be used as an excuse to abuse another.

 

[Rubyb]

Lily,

I don't want to repeat the passionate views of those who have responded before me, but I will say they are right on target.

If your dom is not concerned about your feelings and is bringing your submission into question, then he is indeed playing with your mind.

It's not about you! If he was into you, would he bring in another sub and sending you upstairs? Had you done something wrong? Was this a punishment? He'll play with her and not you? See where I'm going?

Let's spend a moment talking about love and poly relationships:

If we define love between two partners as so intense that we care more about the other person's happiness than we do our own, certainly we can love more than one person at a time.

There are many different types of love. Love for your children, your friends, your parents, your mate, etc. There is also a type of love that is for you and your master/dom.

To give someone a piece of our heart is a beautiful thing. Yet when we do, we expect them to protect and cherish that piece of our heart, to love and protect us, to care about and respect us in return.

As our relationships with different people blossom, we fall in and out of love. The friends we had as children or in business, might not have anything to do with our lives now.

When our needs are not being met, we reach out to others to have them fulfilled. What a beautiful thing if we can do this and love that person free of guilt.

Now about your dom:

Does he love you enough to care about your happiness before his own?
Is he worthy of your love?

If yes, then keep him. If not, then you know what to do.

May you find what you are seeking.

 

[LilyMelb]

Thank You

Thank you very much to all who replied to my posting, and to those of you who were worried your passionate responeses may offend me, please don't worry, for it is your honest opinions I wanted when I posted and I only am grateful for all of them.

It's clearly an issue I've got to deal with. He did confuse me when he called my submission into question when I tried to say I was human as well as sub and subs felt human emotions too! But I'm not stupid either and in the couple of months since that time, I have struggled up and down with my feelings of submission towards him. I know there is a barrier there now to just how much I can give him, which is a very sad thing for a sub who loves her Dom to realise.

To clarify a couple of points some of you brought up - no, it wasn't punishment and it wasn't a secretly discussed fantasy. We do not live together and when he first brought her to my house I did not even know she was a sub, let alone subbing to him. This is what hurt most, I think - being called downstairs where they were supposedly working on something, to find her tied to the bed and he in his underwear, asked a handful of questions, given a hug, then sent back upstairs to wait.

I'm not against poly relationships, for I know with discussion and communication and openness I could very well have not had these issues. The boundaries, however, were never set. It is an 'open' relationship and as one of you pointed out, such relationships are a minefield.

Anyway, thank you all very much again, and be assured that I know this is surely an issue which must be discussed and dealt with. I struggled with confusion as to how much I had a right to feel what I did, but you have all reassured me that my feelings here are valid - something I should not have forgotten, 'cept I must have had that "welcome" sign printed on my forehead, me masquerading as a doormat, lol...

Big thanks to all...!!!

Love Lily

 

[YinandYang]

Hi Lily,

I would echo everything that has been said here. This guy seems to be on a HUGE power trip, which can be positive if used in the right way . The thing I find most hard to understand is that he brought this girl to your home...jesus I would have kicked him and her right out!

Anyway....I am not going to repeat what everyone else has said, but to say that Shyslaves thread.......

How do you ensure your emotional safety?

might give you some help or guidelines.

I hope things turn out well for you

 

[jdmct]

your Dom

Amoung other things ,has been completley disrespectful.
Doms have to show their subs respect at all times.

James

 

[writerz01]

Thoughtless

I am Dom. I've had several submissives in my years. But one thing I always did was, respect them. If I even thought of bringing in another to the relationship, I would inquire as to her thoughts first. If I had done what your supposed Dom has done, I would've probably become a Eunuch some where along the line. One may be Dom, one may be sub, but all must hold each other in the highest regards.

 

[TaintedB]

All the right stuff has been said to you. I'll just add a little background I know of.

There is a paradigm in some online bdsm communities (I've seen this more in chat than on message boards, frankly) that a true submissive or good submissive or desireable.... etc. never gets jealous and that her natural role in a bdsm relationship is to be a procurer of "sister subs" for the relationship. There are lots of sub women out there who work very hard at completely repressing their jealous feelings and lots of men out there who tell them they must do it or train them to do it. Unfortunately, jealousy or competitiveness, or feeling that you must withdraw and let the other woman have the man are very common feelings in poly relationships that feature two or more women and one man. When these relationships are successful, the way they do it is by airing these emotions when they come up and talking them out, and trying to come up with solutions that will work for everyone involved, not pretending to yourself and others that you never feel such things. Repression or a refusal to recognize the problem because "we're just too cool to feel that way" just brings a much bigger and nastier emotional explosion later in the relationship.

As with all things, YMMV. Some people just don't get jealous or possessive, or are in special circumstances where such emotions are not likely to come up.

 

[Seduce]

...... and he's in love with me (he tells me so, so it must be true, right? heh).

I am afraid men will tell anything to get what they want.
Dont be naive