Jealousy issues

[nvdrx]

Hey Team,

Been around awhile here, and have enjoyed reading topics/posts, but haven't had too much input myself. But I'm finding myself for the first time needing some advice/help. Either respond via this post or PM.

Soo.... my situation is that I'm with a lady I actually care about. This is unusual for me as I don't generally put myself in a situation to get attached to someone. I find life's just easier that way. But....this one literally ticks all my boxes.

My problem is, because I actually like this one, I'm struggling with her past and it affects my emotions more than i'd like.

I'm in 2 minds.... keep rolling with the possibility of a great relationship, or just pull the pin now because of my insecurities re her and it's not fair on her me doubting her when as far as I know she hasn't done anything wrong for me not to trust her.

My mind says walk..but my heart says give it a crack till it goes wrong.

Cheers Lit team,
Nvdrx

 

[human_male]

My advice, don't let your insecurities fuck up a good thing.

 

[KatieDoes]

Hey Team,

Been around awhile here, and have enjoyed reading topics/posts, but haven't had too much input myself. But I'm finding myself for the first time needing some advice/help. Either respond via this post or PM.

Soo.... my situation is that I'm with a lady I actually care about. This is unusual for me as I don't generally put myself in a situation to get attached to someone. I find life's just easier that way. But....this one literally ticks all my boxes.

My problem is, because I actually like this one, I'm struggling with her past and it affects my emotions more than i'd like.

I'm in 2 minds.... keep rolling with the possibility of a great relationship, or just pull the pin now because of my insecurities re her and it's not fair on her me doubting her when as far as I know she hasn't done anything wrong for me not to trust her.

My mind says walk..but my heart says give it a crack till it goes wrong.

Cheers Lit team,
Nvdrx

Why not find a qualified therapist and do some work on yourself? This is coming from somewhere. If you can get help finding out where and why and how to deal with it, you’re a better partner and happier overall.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Real boats rock. Real relationships have issues and need work to be successful.

Every time you go for a meal, there's a chance the wine's corked. Every time you buy a new car, there's the chance it was a made-on-Monday lemon. Every time you go to a movie, there's a chance that it's terrible. Yet we still do these things, accepting potential risk. It's no different with relationships.

I understand the whole withdrawal thing - been there, sold the darned t-shirts. It's your call whether to make a bet - potential happiness vs potential unhappiness, with the default being lonely normality. But KatieDoes has a good point. Most people aren't so worried about potential failure in relationships that they cut themselves off from the world, which is my impression of what you're doing. I'm not going to say you need help; I don't know you and that's not my place in any case. But do think on it, 'cause it's your decision and one which might potentially bring you a lot of happiness.

Good luck, whichever way it goes.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

This does sound like it’s about you and not her. I’d agree with KatieDoes and encourage seeing a counselor if that’s an option. Everyone has a past and it’s not healthy for any relationship to “punish” people for anything that happened before they even met you. Insecurity can really fuck with your head, though, and I think it could help to try to get a handle on that.

 

[nvdrx]

Thanks for the replies.

Yeah it's definitely a me problem. I want to have a furure withbm her. I just need to put those insecurities out of my head. It's just easier said than done, but I'll keep trying.

Thank team

 

[fire_breeze]

Hey Team,

Been around awhile here, and have enjoyed reading topics/posts, but haven't had too much input myself. But I'm finding myself for the first time needing some advice/help. Either respond via this post or PM.

Soo.... my situation is that I'm with a lady I actually care about. This is unusual for me as I don't generally put myself in a situation to get attached to someone. I find life's just easier that way. But....this one literally ticks all my boxes.

My problem is, because I actually like this one, I'm struggling with her past and it affects my emotions more than i'd like.

I'm in 2 minds.... keep rolling with the possibility of a great relationship, or just pull the pin now because of my insecurities re her and it's not fair on her me doubting her when as far as I know she hasn't done anything wrong for me not to trust her.

My mind says walk..but my heart says give it a crack till it goes wrong.

Cheers Lit team,
Nvdrx

Welcome

You've already received some excellent insight, and would encourage you to follow the brilliant advice if not for your relationship with the lady that you obviously like but for the future.

I would like to add two more:

1. Whatever she did before your relationship is none of your business. The only time it might be your business is if there's a carryover that is out of your control and could involve you (ie, children or a joint company). What you have described has no carryover, ergo it's really really none of your business what her past was like, just as it's none of her business what sort of past you had.

2. The hard question that you will have to ask yourself (and you will probably be asked if you speak with someone to help you get over insecurity issues) is: do you trust her? If you do, then trust that she's with you and not with her past. And if you do trust her, then for whatever you hold holy, do not make decisions for her what is fair for her or not. She's a big girl, she can tell you if it's fair or not.


We all have baggages and a 'past': it means that we have lived.

I get the insecurity issues; I have massive ones myself and I can sympathise with the battle going on in your head. Working through them is hard. Really really hard. Insecurity gives us an illusion of control but that's what it is: an illusion that prevents us from truly living.

Good luck

 

[nvdrx]

Definitely some good advice here ‐ thanks again.

I think the best thing for me to do moving forward is to have some time out from her and try and adjust my thoughts. It may not be the right way, but at least I'm not being hot n cold around her when I'm going through a bad moment ‐ that's just totally not fair on her.

I know it's a definite me thing, but as above, I'm just unsure how to deal with it. This is new to me. Hopefully I can work through it without doing to much damage to our relationship, but if it does then that's something I'll just have to live with and learn from. Fingers crossed.

Thanks for the responses, I appreciate it

 

[Stillrandy]

Definitely some good advice here ‐ thanks again.

I think the best thing for me to do moving forward is to have some time out from her and try and adjust my thoughts. It may not be the right way, but at least I'm not being hot n cold around her when I'm going through a bad moment ‐ that's just totally not fair on her.

I know it's a definite me thing, but as above, I'm just unsure how to deal with it. This is new to me. Hopefully I can work through it without doing to much damage to our relationship, but if it does then that's something I'll just have to live with and learn from. Fingers crossed.

Thanks for the responses, I appreciate it

Is it fair to ask: if you go forward, full speed ahead so to speak, what is the worst thing that could happen; vs. what is the best thing that can happen?

 

[fire_breeze]

Definitely some good advice here ‐ thanks again.

I think the best thing for me to do moving forward is to have some time out from her and try and adjust my thoughts. It may not be the right way, but at least I'm not being hot n cold around her when I'm going through a bad moment ‐ that's just totally not fair on her.

I know it's a definite me thing, but as above, I'm just unsure how to deal with it. This is new to me. Hopefully I can work through it without doing to much damage to our relationship, but if it does then that's something I'll just have to live with and learn from. Fingers crossed.

Thanks for the responses, I appreciate it

It's your decision, of course. I'd like to suggest that whatever decision you make and then take you tell her. If we are talking about being fair, then it's really unfair to her that you take some time out without letting her know what's going on.

I do hope you sort it out. It is hard to be in a healthy relationships when one is filled with insecurity (probably caused by toxic relationships--okay, my insecurities are caused by really toxic relationships). Those toxic relationships become comfortable because you know what to expect, whereas a healthy one is so radically different that ~at least, I~ believed that I wasn't worth it.

But if you do like this lady, then please tell her what's going on. She deserves at least that.

Good luck and I do commend you for recognising that you need to sort this out for you

 

[KatieDoes]

Definitely some good advice here ‐ thanks again.

I think the best thing for me to do moving forward is to have some time out from her and try and adjust my thoughts. It may not be the right way, but at least I'm not being hot n cold around her when I'm going through a bad moment ‐ that's just totally not fair on her.

I know it's a definite me thing, but as above, I'm just unsure how to deal with it. This is new to me. Hopefully I can work through it without doing to much damage to our relationship, but if it does then that's something I'll just have to live with and learn from. Fingers crossed.

Thanks for the responses, I appreciate it

Why would you try to ‘adjust your thoughts’ instead of seeking professional help with learning how to manage this?

 

[nvdrx]

Is it fair to ask: if you go forward, full speed ahead so to speak, what is the worst thing that could happen; vs. what is the best thing that can happen?

Thanks for your reply Randy

Ummm yeah its quite an easy answer really isn't it, .... the worst case is that the relationship bombs and life goes on. And best case scenario is that I have an awesome relationship with a fantastic lady that'll keep growing stronger and stronger .

I just need to keep reminding myself not to be a dick and self sabotage.

It's your decision, of course. I'd like to suggest that whatever decision you make and then take you tell her. If we are talking about being fair, then it's really unfair to her that you take some time out without letting her know what's going on.

I do hope you sort it out. It is hard to be in a healthy relationships when one is filled with insecurity (probably caused by toxic relationships--okay, my insecurities are caused by really toxic relationships). Those toxic relationships become comfortable because you know what to expect, whereas a healthy one is so radically different that ~at least, I~ believed that I wasn't worth it.

But if you do like this lady, then please tell her what's going on. She deserves at least that.

Good luck and I do commend you for recognising that you need to sort this out for you

Thanks again for your indepth replies.. they're bloody good.

We do have quite full on conversations about how I feel and other things in my life regarding insecurities. My insecurities aren't really a big thing in the grand scheme of life, it's almost like me just feeling a little self pity about shit I've done in life. No different to anyone else really, I just don't deal with it sometimes, and it kind of effects my negative thoughts about her.

My problem I guess is that I'm self sabotaging and pushing her away thinking it's in her best interests, but it's not. It's ironic that I absolutely hate drama, but here I am creating it.. its weird.

My previous relationship (marriage) was toxic and it hasn't helped... it still doesn't help as we have kids together so she's still in my life so to speak of. It's kinda bloody annoying and frustrating, but that's life.

I've never been so open with anybody in my life like I have with this lady, and I believe that's why we work so well together and it works. I'm kinda sounding contradicting a little, but I just was seeing how other people have dealt with this , as this is new to me. But even me voicing this out in an open forum is helping.

Why would you try to ‘adjust your thoughts’ instead of seeking professional help with learning how to manage this?

Hey Katie, thanks for tour responses too

Because I feel I know what I need to do, I just for whatever reason can't do it. I have recently seen a professional, not in regards to this, but in regards to my children.

I saw a professional last year regarding stress I was having at work and needed to find mechanisms to cope. I found it wasn't overly helpful. It was great talking to someone, but everything came back to me getting things in place, which was great, until it wasn't great. Ie, it's up to me to change this, it's up to me to correct what's going on, so that's what I mean by I kinda know what I need to do, I just struggle with it sometimes. 8/10 times I can make things work. Plus I do unfortunately self sabotage as it's what I know, and I can deal with that as it's just something I do.

I was keen to see how other people have dealt with it and to see if there was anything I could take from it and try and adjust my thought process.


Thanks again all for the replies

 

[jckontharocks]

If I may ask, what did she do that was so bad?

 

[Somehowyou]

If I may ask, what did she do that was so bad?

Yes, because it might be good to understand what you're getting into. Everyone has baggage. Can you deal with it? I can think of a number of issues that people have that would make me very hesitant to get involved with that person. For instance, i'm not going to deal with a substance abuser.

 

[Justherb]

Mu wife has more of a sexual history than me. It doesn't come up very often in conversation, but it bothers me when it does. I just have to remember that we've been together for 31 years and she chose me.

 

[jharp]

Hey Team,

Been around awhile here, and have enjoyed reading topics/posts, but haven't had too much input myself. But I'm finding myself for the first time needing some advice/help. Either respond via this post or PM.

Soo.... my situation is that I'm with a lady I actually care about. This is unusual for me as I don't generally put myself in a situation to get attached to someone. I find life's just easier that way. But....this one literally ticks all my boxes.

My problem is, because I actually like this one, I'm struggling with her past and it affects my emotions more than i'd like.

I'm in 2 minds.... keep rolling with the possibility of a great relationship, or just pull the pin now because of my insecurities re her and it's not fair on her me doubting her when as far as I know she hasn't done anything wrong for me not to trust her.

My mind says walk..but my heart says give it a crack till it goes wrong.

Cheers Lit team,
Nvdrx

A woman's past is in many ways a guide to how her future will likely go. So if she's prone to making bad decisions in regards to finances, romance and friendships, she's liable to keep making them.

The question is 'what' is it about her past that has you concerned?

 

[nvdrx]

If I may ask, what did she do that was so bad?

That's a fair question to ask.

Depending on how you look at it and how someone's mind works, it's not a terrible thing for some people, but for others it is.

I've know her for 3 and a half odd years in my working environment. Not directly in my workplace but rather as a supplier. We've always had a spark I guess you could say, but she's married and I was separated from my wife so nothing ever came of it.

About a year and a half ago, a colleague told me that she was having an affair with someone, I'm unsure how long it went on for, It didn't concern me. She made contact not long after I found out as she was letting me know that she was taking "redundancy" from her position and that there maybe rumors that are untrue. I told her I already had heard etc, but she said it wasn't true. (It was true)

Fast forward 4 months and she got in contact with me asking various questions.....one being if I was seeing anyone etc. I wasn't as such and let her know...messages were going back and forward and then she asked if I was keen to hook up. I asked if she was still with her husband, she was, but she was unhappy etc and wanted excitement (cliché) and she knew that I was easy going and things don't faze me really. I said no originally because I didn't want to be "that guy". Our messages stopped, but then I got drunk one night and messaged her saying, fuck it, let's do it! So I broke my own ethos unfortunately, and whilst it was great, I pulled the pin after a few occasions because it didn't sit well with me.

I apologise if I'm painting to much off a picture and not getting to the point of it.

Anyway, after a short hiatus, she was always on my mind, and we really did click sexually and emotionally, so we continued....and then the obvious happened......her husband found out. We stopped, but she still wanted to continue, and she was leaving her husband ‐ which she actually did, not for me, but because she wasn't happy.

Because off all the drama that followed and I dislike drama (even though I did create it), I completely pulled pin, she tried to keep things going but I blocked her. This all happened over a short time frame of a few months. So we had no contact for a few months. I messaged her to say sorry....I was sorry for the way I ended it with her. It probably wasn't the right way and I just wanted her to know I was sorry.

So...I'll cut this extended version short......

So we ended up seeing each other again, had some really good talks. She wanted a relationship, but I was cautious knowing a little but of her past. So I asked for full disclosure. SHe told me that she had cheated on her husband 7 times over a 10 year period. I didn't ask how often, or when, as it really wasn't my business. What is my business though is.... my insecurities that it'll happen to me too. I don't let people get close to me because it's just easier that way, but I've never clicked with someone like I have with her. So..... I feel it's worth giving it a go, but then doubt pops into my head too

Do I trust her.... I actually do strangely enough.....I just don't trust what goes on in my head and being a guy who is not into jealously, I can't help but feel that way sometimes.

So, at the end of the day, it's simple right...I trust her, so just get over it and if she does cheat, then I'll walk.

 

[nvdrx]

A woman's past is in many ways a guide to how her future will likely go. So if she's prone to making bad decisions in regards to finances, romance and friendships, she's liable to keep making them.

The question is 'what' is it about her past that has you concerned?

So you've probably seen my above post, and my concerns are there. It's a trust thing. I know people can change, but I also know in a sexually charged environment, sometimes we don't think with our heads and get carried away. I also know that infidelity is at an all time high! Haha or it's just known a lot more.

So for clarification.... its been brought up a couple of times that a person's past is their past and I have no right to be concerned with it. I 100% agree ‐ that's never been my problem with her. So I apolofise if I made it seem that way.

 

[nvdrx]

Mu wife has more of a sexual history than me. It doesn't come up very often in conversation, but it bothers me when it does. I just have to remember that we've been together for 31 years and she chose me.

Thats awesome you guys have been together for that long and your so right.....she choose you! I used to say that to my ex wife before we got married...... I don't need a piece of paper to have you, I'm here day in day out. But yeah.......having that piece of paper obviously didn't save us in the end

That's what I keep saying to myself.....take a chance dude. I've fucked up so many good things in the past, why keep doing it. I truly do believe her when we have our conversations.

 

[Somehowyou]

I have no idea how old you two are. The younger you two are, the more hormones, the more that that stuff is going to happen. She's probably going to cheat on you but not until she has you and you become routine. Then you will be boring. Hopefully, as the looks fade and as people go through divorce after divorce, and become sick of giving the top 40% to lawyers and splitting the rest, people tend to stop getting divorced. My own sister (whom I love) has been married several times.

I would date her but I would have a tough time trusting her as well but it may be a hell of a ride? If you were to merry, I would be careful about your financial assets and having children with her.

My best friends, ex-wife said to me that before she met my best friend that she had cheated on every boyfriend that she ever had. She told me that my friend was the first one to truly win her heart over. They married and three kids and 5 years later, my friend caught her with her 2nd lover. He promptly divorced her and that set him back emotionally and financially. My friend remarried a few years later, with a more laid back, less gregarious woman who is a few years older then he is but still beautiful. They go to adult resorts together but they do not swing. He's been very happy with her the past 15 years.

 

[nvdrx]

I'm older than her. I'm 40 and she's 33, so we're not spring chickens, but we're not in our golden years either.

And what you've said speaks volumes of how I feel it's going to happen. Where I live, it's almost like every second person is having an affair (not quite that high). It really is like it's the normal thing to do.

Even though I helped her cheat on her husband and for that I cannot excuse, but it's definitely against what I believe in, but it also shows me how easy it can happen. I've told her, if she feels the need to have sex with someone else for whatever reason, then just tell me and we can go our separate ways. No hate, no jealously - that's just life sometimes.

Shit....maybe im just putting way too much thought into this and should just roll the dice. Enjoy it whilst it lasts right! I'm pretty good at becoming emotionally unattached, it just kinda seems pointless at the same time if I actually do want this to work. Am I crazy! Haha

 

[KatieDoes]

I'm older than her. I'm 40 and she's 33, so we're not spring chickens, but we're not in our golden years either.

And what you've said speaks volumes of how I feel it's going to happen. Where I live, it's almost like every second person is having an affair (not quite that high). It really is like it's the normal thing to do.

Even though I helped her cheat on her husband and for that I cannot excuse, but it's definitely against what I believe in, but it also shows me how easy it can happen. I've told her, if she feels the need to have sex with someone else for whatever reason, then just tell me and we can go our separate ways. No hate, no jealously - that's just life sometimes.

Shit....maybe im just putting way too much thought into this and should just roll the dice. Enjoy it whilst it lasts right! I'm pretty good at becoming emotionally unattached, it just kinda seems pointless at the same time if I actually do want this to work. Am I crazy! Haha

She’s 33 and has cheated on her husband 7 times in 10 years?

Run. Run like the fucking wind. Unless you’re down for a non monogamous open relationship, run.

And that’s coming from someone that tends to choose the woman’s side and think that men ain’t shit. Run.

 

[nvdrx]

I know right! I've had that thought a 100 times already. To her credit. She has seen a professional after she split from her husband to try and understand why she has done what she's done. She's also been open and honest (as far as I'm aware) with questions, and also freely opened up as well.

Even though I'm not the jealous type, sharing her with others is not my thing ‐ purely because I am attached to her. In the past with relationships that have been open, I've not minded because I wasn't emotionally attached.

As crazy as this may sound, but yes, I'm 40 and for the first time I've allowed myself to actually really care about someone. This is why these feelings are new to me and so frustrating.

I guess time will tell. The one saving grace is, even though I do care about her, I can emotionally detach quite easy. I've just got to sort these thoughts in my head out though! and if I can't, I will leave as it's not healthy for either of us.

I've enjoyed the feedback team, and appreciate it

 

[jharp]

That's a fair question to ask.

Depending on how you look at it and how someone's mind works, it's not a terrible thing for some people, but for others it is.

I've know her for 3 and a half odd years in my working environment. Not directly in my workplace but rather as a supplier. We've always had a spark I guess you could say, but she's married and I was separated from my wife so nothing ever came of it.

About a year and a half ago, a colleague told me that she was having an affair with someone, I'm unsure how long it went on for, It didn't concern me. She made contact not long after I found out as she was letting me know that she was taking "redundancy" from her position and that there maybe rumors that are untrue. I told her I already had heard etc, but she said it wasn't true. (It was true)

Fast forward 4 months and she got in contact with me asking various questions.....one being if I was seeing anyone etc. I wasn't as such and let her know...messages were going back and forward and then she asked if I was keen to hook up. I asked if she was still with her husband, she was, but she was unhappy etc and wanted excitement (cliché) and she knew that I was easy going and things don't faze me really. I said no originally because I didn't want to be "that guy". Our messages stopped, but then I got drunk one night and messaged her saying, fuck it, let's do it! So I broke my own ethos unfortunately, and whilst it was great, I pulled the pin after a few occasions because it didn't sit well with me.

I apologise if I'm painting to much off a picture and not getting to the point of it.

Anyway, after a short hiatus, she was always on my mind, and we really did click sexually and emotionally, so we continued....and then the obvious happened......her husband found out. We stopped, but she still wanted to continue, and she was leaving her husband ‐ which she actually did, not for me, but because she wasn't happy.

Because off all the drama that followed and I dislike drama (even though I did create it), I completely pulled pin, she tried to keep things going but I blocked her. This all happened over a short time frame of a few months. So we had no contact for a few months. I messaged her to say sorry....I was sorry for the way I ended it with her. It probably wasn't the right way and I just wanted her to know I was sorry.

So...I'll cut this extended version short......

So we ended up seeing each other again, had some really good talks. She wanted a relationship, but I was cautious knowing a little but of her past. So I asked for full disclosure. SHe told me that she had cheated on her husband 7 times over a 10 year period. I didn't ask how often, or when, as it really wasn't my business. What is my business though is.... my insecurities that it'll happen to me too. I don't let people get close to me because it's just easier that way, but I've never clicked with someone like I have with her. So..... I feel it's worth giving it a go, but then doubt pops into my head too

Do I trust her.... I actually do strangely enough.....I just don't trust what goes on in my head and being a guy who is not into jealously, I can't help but feel that way sometimes.

So, at the end of the day, it's simple right...I trust her, so just get over it and if she does cheat, then I'll walk.

...what.

Dude, your instincts about being hesitant to get involved with this woman are right on the money. Listen to them. These are most definitely not insecurities. This woman will most definitely put you through an emotional and likely financial ringer.

This chick is a serial cheater. When she gets bored or when things in a relationship go south, she'll bounce and spread her legs for another guy. She doesn't have the maturity or the fortitude to fix the problems in her marriage. Your own relationship with her is proof of that.

She'll use you and then discard you. And she'll do to you what she is currently doing to her Husband. And you trust this chick!? Dude, do not get in a committed relationship with this woman. You clearly don't care she's married or seperated so my advice is just do what you need and broom her fast.

 

[jckontharocks]

...what.

Dude, your instincts about being hesitant to get involved with this woman are right on the money. Listen to them. These are most definitely not insecurities. This woman will most definitely put you through an emotional and likely financial ringer.

This chick is a serial cheater. When she gets bored or when things in a relationship go south, she'll bounce and spread her legs for another guy. She doesn't have the maturity or the fortitude to fix the problems in her marriage. Your own relationship with her is proof of that.

She'll use you and then discard you. And she'll do to you what she is currently doing to her Husband. And you trust this chick!? Dude, do not get in a committed relationship with this woman. You clearly don't care she's married or seperated so my advice is just do what you need and broom her fast.

Don't know if I'd say run.... But def trust your instincts. She IS going to cheat on you. Not like che "HAS CHEATED BEFORE" she IS a cheater. Consistently. Like 1ce a year.

Do you, man, but I'd say be selfishly looking out FOR YOU.