Jealousy for Noobs

[Guest]

I never really considered myself a jealous person, my only previous relationship was with a guy that lived too far away and didn't have much of a social life if any at all, i never really had much to be jealous of but I encouraged him to go out more.

I have been going out with a guy for 5 months, for one reason or another we are not officially together and at first I assured him that I was not a jealous person, I couldn't have been more wrong. We met at work on training for a call center job and a few weeks later I quit but our relationship continued. I was aware that that job was full of girls and he's a bit of a flirty guy so I was constantly afraid that he might eventually ditch me for one of them, and he assured me that i was the one he wanted to be with.

For 5 months this has gone on as girls from work keep calling him constantly, inviting him to parties, the beach, bars etc. I don't have a problem with him having friends or girl friends, but sometimes it makes me feel like he's just with me out of convenience because I'm easily right there and because I put out. time and time again he tells me that he's with me because he cares about me, he's even mentioned that he loves me and he doesn't want to be with anyone else but a) we're not officially together and b) there's always a new girl friend at work. there's a ton of new girl friends at work.

its gotten to the point were i just don't want to see him sometimes cause of how angry i am or how jealous I feel, its like a monster that's eating up at me inside, i can't help it, I'm jealous, I'm really jealous and I don't know what to do.

 

[Rayven101]

Well talking about it helps, but you need to look at where it really comes from. As you said you fear that he will find someone else, what it sounds like you are wanting is a commitment from him. Have you had a talk around your "not officially together"? I think you need to as be honest with him about what you need. It is ok to admit you are jealous, but you also have to look at WHY you are. A lot of those feelings could be from the little voices in our heads that tell us we are not good enough.

You are in control of your own emotions, thoughts and feelings; we make choices everyday about how we feel about something. If you look at it that way - then choose not to be and don't let your emotions rule you. I know easier said than done. But this way you come across confident, self assured and knowing your own worth, and that is so much sexier than the little green monster that is eating at you now.

Wishing you the best of luck,


Rayven

 

[just for fun]

It sounds like the only thing to do for your piece of mind is talk to him and tell him. Either he's going to run away or he's going to understand and go from there. If he runs away you have your answer if he doesn't you have your answer

 

[Guest]

Well talking about it helps, but you need to look at where it really comes from. As you said you fear that he will find someone else, what it sounds like you are wanting is a commitment from him. Have you had a talk around your "not officially together"? I think you need to as be honest with him about what you need. It is ok to admit you are jealous, but you also have to look at WHY you are. A lot of those feelings could be from the little voices in our heads that tell us we are not good enough.

You are in control of your own emotions, thoughts and feelings; we make choices everyday about how we feel about something. If you look at it that way - then choose not to be and don't let your emotions rule you. I know easier said than done. But this way you come across confident, self assured and knowing your own worth, and that is so much sexier than the little green monster that is eating at you now.

Wishing you the best of luck,


Rayven

We've talked about the whole "not being officially" together thing several times now, according to him, the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing is just a title that doesn't really count for much. he claims that he wants to be with me and only with me but he's not ready for such title. a big contradiction and a really stupid argument, yes.

 

[tan43215]

thats what i would say to my booty calls
nothing wrong with wanting someone to your self - i personally would not want to share my wifes affection in any sense with anyone else, call me selfish but thats ok.

 

[Rayven101]

We've talked about the whole "not being officially" together thing several times now, according to him, the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing is just a title that doesn't really count for much. he claims that he wants to be with me and only with me but he's not ready for such title. a big contradiction and a really stupid argument, yes.

I agree a very stupid argument. He isn't ready and you know what, if you both are not in the same place it will only bring you pain. Which you are already feeling. My advice do what is best for you! He is not the last man on the planet and there are so many good men out there that know how to treat a woman. Don't settle....take it from one who did for a very long time and then woke up! You deserve better than that...

Big hugs to you.

 

[Rayven101]

thats what i would say to my booty calls
nothing wrong with wanting someone to your self - i personally would not want to share my wifes affection in any sense with anyone else, call me selfish but thats ok.

Thank you for giving a male perspective! We need to hear that sometimes.

 

[just for fun]

I agree a very stupid argument. He isn't ready and you know what, if you both are not in the same place it will only bring you pain. Which you are already feeling. My advice do what is best for you! He is not the last man on the planet and there are so many good men out there that know how to treat a woman. Don't settle....take it from one who did for a very long time and then woke up! You deserve better than that...

Big hugs to you.

Good advice. Last night I talked to a lady friend of mine who's going through something similar. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too and she didn't but he was happy to lead her on.

 

[Rayven101]

Good advice. Last night I talked to a lady friend of mine who's going through something similar. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

Thank you As I said about sometimes we need to hear that from a Male perspective. As women growing up we are fed the idea of a "Fairy Tale" love and we search for it and are willing to make concessions where we swore we never would just because we hear the words "I want only you" or “I love you” Words are empty unless they are followed up by actions.

You are a great friend to her!

 

[satindesire]

We've talked about the whole "not being officially" together thing several times now, according to him, the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing is just a title that doesn't really count for much. he claims that he wants to be with me and only with me but he's not ready for such title. a big contradiction and a really stupid argument, yes.

Let me give you the story he's not telling you.

He's at some sports bar, drinking with his buddies.

Some really fly girl saunters up, buys him a drink, and asks "So, are you single?"

He can say "Yeah. I am." And not lie. Because he's made it clear to you that he doesn't want to commit to being in a relationship with you.

He's got the freedom of being 'single' (and all the 'fun' that comes with that) while getting all the affection, sex, and attention that he needs by stringing you along.

So here's what you do. You tell him, "Either you and I are together, or I walk." And then you mean it.

Men like this aren't scared of titles, they're scared of being "stuck" with one woman at a time. Trust me. I've been there. Men out there are better, and CAN give you the commitment and love that you really need. This guy will use you up like a sponge and not give two shits about it when he 'cheats' (although he won't see it like cheating, because you aren't really together. You get me?) on you and breaks your heart.

 

[SweetErika]

We've talked about the whole "not being officially" together thing several times now, according to him, the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing is just a title that doesn't really count for much. he claims that he wants to be with me and only with me but he's not ready for such title. a big contradiction and a really stupid argument, yes.

He's not ready to be your boyfriend after nearly half a year? Yet he's ready to really care about, and maybe even love, you?

I'm calling bullshit on that argument and agree with Satin - he's playing you, getting the milk for free. No wonder you're feeling insecure/jealous. If this situation doesn't feel good, don't allow it to continue.

Is this the guy you had a pregnancy scare with and deemed not a keeper recently, or am I remembering incorrectly (entirely possible!)? If it is, why are you still with him, when it seems you want a relationship, rather than a fuckbuddy?

 

[Guest]

He's not ready to be your boyfriend after nearly half a year? Yet he's ready to really care about, and maybe even love, you?

I'm calling bullshit on that argument and agree with Satin - he's playing you, getting the milk for free. No wonder you're feeling insecure/jealous. If this situation doesn't feel good, don't allow it to continue.

Is this the guy you had a pregnancy scare with and deemed not a keeper recently, or am I remembering incorrectly (entirely possible!)? If it is, why are you still with him, when it seems you want a relationship, rather than a fuckbuddy?

Pathetic i know. I guess I was kind of hoping that i'd find someone who would tell me it was perfectly normal to see a guy for this long. My brother told me a while back that it was good to get to know someone, to go out for a while, be friends and all that. I know its been a long time and I've never actually dated anyone before, its all very new, very complicated and very frustrating to me. I was hoping that i'd find people who would see this as perfectly normal and okay but i suppose I just ran out of excuses because I am so damn in love with a guy that doesn't give me the importance I'm giving him and I want.

Lame, lame, super lame.

 

[SweetErika]

Pathetic i know. I guess I was kind of hoping that i'd find someone who would tell me it was perfectly normal to see a guy for this long. My brother told me a while back that it was good to get to know someone, to go out for a while, be friends and all that. I know its been a long time and I've never actually dated anyone before, its all very new, very complicated and very frustrating to me. I was hoping that i'd find people who would see this as perfectly normal and okay but i suppose I just ran out of excuses because I am so damn in love with a guy that doesn't give me the importance I'm giving him and I want.

Lame, lame, super lame.

I hope that's not how you interpreted my post because 'you're pathetic' is not how I meant it at all!

It IS good to get to know someone and establish a friendship if you want a relationship. However, you should probably do that before you jump into bed; otherwise, people with less pure intentions will just use you for sex, feeding you just enough bullshit to keep you on the hook.

And, really, there's nothing inherently wrong with this guy not committing. It just makes you two incompatible if you want something different and if he does care about you at all, he should be absolutely honest about what he can/can't offer you in terms of commitment and such.

Only you know what's right for you, but since this is your first experience, you might want to consider taking a step back, chalking this up to a learning experience and moving on to someone who's more compatible down the road. Sure, you can put your foot down with this guy, but that likely won't solve the underlying issues like his unwillingness to commit.

 

[Guest]

I hope that's not how you interpreted my post because 'you're pathetic' is not how I meant it at all!

It IS good to get to know someone and establish a friendship if you want a relationship. However, you should probably do that before you jump into bed; otherwise, people with less pure intentions will just use you for sex, feeding you just enough bullshit to keep you on the hook.

And, really, there's nothing inherently wrong with this guy not committing. It just makes you two incompatible if you want something different and if he does care about you at all, he should be absolutely honest about what he can/can't offer you in terms of commitment and such.

Only you know what's right for you, but since this is your first experience, you might want to consider taking a step back, chalking this up to a learning experience and moving on to someone who's more compatible down the road. Sure, you can put your foot down with this guy, but that likely won't solve the underlying issues like his unwillingness to commit.

oh no, don't worry, i didn't take it like that . I'm thinking this all is coming to an end, i already wrote a letter to him and I'm planning on reading it to him tomorrow, we'll see what happens.

 

[hotnogs]

Hope the letter goes ok Sadie... Don't beat yourself up, and don't think you're lame either! It just sounds like the two of you want different things - but who knows, maybe you'll talk to him, he'll go 'omg, I can't believe I've been so dumb and selfish just because of my own committment issues, how can i make it up to you?'. On the other hand, maybe he'll admit that he likes his freedom, and if so, perhaps you should think about moving on. It will be painful, but you'll get over it, and one day meet another guy who can give you the security you need.

Just to put another male perspective out there... I think if we're honest, all men at one time or anotehr have said things knowing it's what a woman wants to here to get what we want. I know I have, and I'm not proud of it. Freedom and the possibility of getting multiple female attention are big draws for guys... some of us get over it when we meet a girl who just blows us away and makes us realise that the field has no more game for us, others never seem to quite manage to get to that place

 

[anonymousactor]

Sounds like the standard situation of guy wanted to continue getting laid and putting in the least amount of effort to do so. Its not an uncommon thing, as I'm currently not in a position to date (moving back and forth too much to different locations) I'd probably do the same thing, but 5 months is a little long. Sounds like you two decided to repeat a weekly routine rather than have a more dynamic relationship.

Tell him that you made an account on an online dating service to try to meet someone who wants to committ to you. He has no way of checking your BS if you do a little bit of homework on the matter. This is a good way to force him to decide rather than merely 'talking' about it, as he'll see you're trying to find commitment and will go elsewhere to find it if he won't provide it.

 

[just for fun]

oh no, don't worry, i didn't take it like that . I'm thinking this all is coming to an end, i already wrote a letter to him and I'm planning on reading it to him tomorrow, we'll see what happens.

Good for you, stand your ground and be true to yourself

 

[Guest]

thanks so much guys. I really appreciate it

 

[littlebabyclit]

I agree a very stupid argument. He isn't ready and you know what, if you both are not in the same place it will only bring you pain. Which you are already feeling. My advice do what is best for you! He is not the last man on the planet and there are so many good men out there that know how to treat a woman. Don't settle....take it from one who did for a very long time and then woke up! You deserve better than that...

Big hugs to you.

Oh my. This is perfectly worded, great advice.

thanks so much guys. I really appreciate it

I hope you let everyone know what happens with you.

 

[zanderstar]

dont know if im to late to help out or not but it deff seems like hes using his slingle"ness" to his advantage. but i will say working with a bunch of girls and beeing a flirty guy sux. I work with a bunch of life guards that run around in boty shorts all day. so maybe he is just flirting but I know that giving my number out to ppl and haveing them call me to ask me on Dates is alil more than that. but i hope the best of luck to ya and hope you find what your looking for in him or in someone else.

 

[Guest]

A little update....


A few days ago we had a very in depth conversation about what was going on between us, i wrote him a letter explaining how I felt and pretty much just read it to him. In the end he told me he was just bringing me more pain than any good he was doing for us and we decided we were going to go on our separate ways. However the next day he came back saying he wanted to have that commitment and that he really wanted to give us a shot. So after a lot of talking we made it official. First few days were a bit rocky but we've sort of came to an agreement on what we want, and what would make us happy. I wasnt sure at first and I felt a bit uneasy but I really worked very hard on making it happen and now that it actually has I want to see what its like.

 

[satindesire]

A little update....


A few days ago we had a very in depth conversation about what was going on between us, i wrote him a letter explaining how I felt and pretty much just read it to him. In the end he told me he was just bringing me more pain than any good he was doing for us and we decided we were going to go on our separate ways. However the next day he came back saying he wanted to have that commitment and that he really wanted to give us a shot. So after a lot of talking we made it official. First few days were a bit rocky but we've sort of came to an agreement on what we want, and what would make us happy. I wasnt sure at first and I felt a bit uneasy but I really worked very hard on making it happen and now that it actually has I want to see what its like.

Sometimes, guys won't jump unless you push them.

Hope everything works out great for you sweetie!

 

[infinity706]

Yeah, congratulations to Ms Sadie. Of course, he could have just as easily been one like me that would have told her if she wanted a guy all to herself, she should find another guy. (I would have had that conversation a long time before that, though)

 

[mentionME]

Not to be mean but you should still be on your guard. The fact that he took solong and wasn't proactive in making the commitment shows him to be a creature of habit. Additionally, even if he doesn't show it he more than likely knows you're uncomfortable with all his female friends but doesn't care (enough).

Do you ever go out with him and his 'friends'? I would suggest it.

 

[Guest]

Not to be mean but you should still be on your guard. The fact that he took solong and wasn't proactive in making the commitment shows him to be a creature of habit. Additionally, even if he doesn't show it he more than likely knows you're uncomfortable with all his female friends but doesn't care (enough).

Do you ever go out with him and his 'friends'? I would suggest it.

I haven't, yet. I know some of his friends but not the ones he currently goes out with, but apparently they're all coming over to my house for drinks on saturday. We'll see.