Jealousy about former lovers?

[sheath]

Here's my problem:

I have a very loving, wonderful boyfriend. He and I are very much in love...he's incredible, but there is one LITTLE thing that bothers me and I don't know how to handle it.

I haven't had that many lovers in my life...I can count them on less than ten fingers. All of them were long-term, and I cared about every one of them. I have been pretty selective about the men I have been with. I have also been lucky, I think, because I have somehow managed to have good, solid friendships with my ex-lovers. I don't know if that is common, or rare, or what. I just know that it has worked out that way, and I count a few of my ex-lovers among my very close friends.

My boyfriend tells me that he doesn't know how to handle the fact that I have my exes as my closest friends. He tells me he is worried, that if he and I have a rocky time, I will turn to one of those exes for comfort. (I should say here that I have always been faithful, and never even considered cheating on him. He knows this.)

Two of those exes HAVE made advances toward me, and I have always made it clear to whom I am attached. I can understand, to a point, his discomfort with those particular men. Yet even the ones that have never caused a problem, and always supported our relationship, he seems to want out of my life. I love my boyfriend but I need my friends too, even if they are men with whom I have a sexual history.

How do I handle this? There is no question of me leaving my boyfriend...I think this is a problem we can work out. I need some advice and I'm not even sure where to start. I've never dealt with jealousy before! Any help would be very welcome and VERY appreciated. Thank you!

S.

 

[peachykeen]

Hey, you know, you might have to make some tough choices.

On the one hand there is the point of "well if he loves me and trusts me, he wouldn't want to put restrictions on me and I should be able to be friends with whoever I want" etc etc, which all very nice. But then there's reality.

It is not the worst thing in the world to say to a former lover with whom you have maintained a friendship, "Hey Dave/Brad/Pete/whatever, you know I'm really glad to have had the opportunity to know you, and we've had some really great times together, and I'll always think of you fondly, but I really want to focus on my relationship with Boyfriend, because I think we may have a future together and he isn't comfortable with you and I being so close, given our past association. I really wish you all the happiness in the world and hope you will remember me as affectionately as I'll remember you."


This might be one of those 'can't have your cake and eat it too' situations. Maybe you can have both your new lover and all your exes, but I doubt it.

 

[sheath]

I'm really beginning to think along those same lines, peachy. Of course, I would like to have all of them living in harmony...who wouldn't? But I can almost feel that choice looming on the very near horizon, and I don't like it at all.

But if I had to choose? I'm in love with my boyfriend. I'm not in love with anyone else. I think that makes the choice pretty clear. Maybe I'm just dodging the choice.

Anyone else?

S.

 

[dickE]

If he can't get past the fact that you have a past, he'll never trust you. Outa sight and he'll imagine the worse. Trust me.........he's showing you his nature and it won't change.

 

[sheath]

Wow...

Well, I don't know what to say to that one! It bothers me that he doesn't seem to accept my past sexual history. I admit that I sometimes feel jealousy that I am not the only one he has known...I guess everyone feels that little flash of pique every now and then when they think about the person they love doing intimate things with someone else...But my main concern is that they were good for him and that he learned something from them. I wish he could see it that way.

He has met a few of the guys and he actually likes them...but that jealousy seems to take precedence over that. Sometimes I feel pretty badly, especially after I say something about sex and he gets very quiet, then tells me he is thinking about 'those guys' from my past. Just how important should the past be, anyway?

S.

 

[SexyChele]

I gotta go with Peachykeen on this one, for the most part. For what it might be worth, you might try a ploy I did once. (Only with one ex-boyfriend, though) I set up a double-date with the guy I was currently seeing, my ex, and a girl he was seeing. We all got along as well as could be expected - my ex's date did not like the idea of me being her date's ex. However, the guy I was currently dating got to see that my ex was not a threat. In fact, they shared quite a bit of "guy stuff" in common and became friends as well.

It can happen, but the only way I see it happening is if your ex's were to become friends with your boyfriend. If that doesn't happen, then you need to tell your exs that they need to be friends from a distance.

Another way to put it: imagine yourself in your boyfriend's position. Sometimes is can be a bit unnerving if an ex still plays a major role in your SO's life.

Good luck!

 

[sheath]

Another way to put it: imagine yourself in your boyfriend's position. Sometimes is can be a bit unnerving if an ex still plays a major role in your SO's life.

Good luck!

Very, very good point, Chele. I've thought about that and it certainly doesn't make me ready to jump for joy, that's for sure.

S.

 

[cherrylips_au]

How can the exes that made advances towards you be classed as friends surely they knew of your relationship?

It's always good if you can remain friends with people from your past but sometimes you need to move on.

Why cause problems in your present relationship?

Your boyfriend maybe worried about the situation but what if he was/is good friends with his exes?

Now think about that with the added bonus of two of them making advances on him?

How comfortable do you feel about it?

Hope you can work it out.

 

[sheath]

Thank you all for your advice. If there is any more out there, I would love to hear it.

You know...I've realized that I do know what I have to do. It's easy to know that deep down, but it's just hard to move forward with a difficult decision until you have some sort of validation. I guess that's the whole point in asking for advice, right?

Again, thank you.

S.

 

[peachykeen]

Also sheath I would like to clarify, your boyfriend not wanting your exes all around you doesn't mean he can't accept you have a sexual past - it just means he wants it in your PAST, and doesn't want it in his face all the time in the PRESENT.

 

[sheath]

Actually...

I think I need to clarify that point, myself. It's not just the former lovers that are in my life that bothers him. It's anything they did in bed with me. If he thinks of something and he asks me 'did you ever do that' and I tell him yes, then he won't do it.

Some things are givens, of course...but I'm talking about the little things that make each man unique. I think you know what I'm talking about...that little move that always reminds you of THAT guy. He can't stand to think about not being 'that' guy.

It has been getting worse lately and now the simple discussion of sex is very difficult. I never know if bringing up something in a joking manner is going to make him get really quiet and ask, "So, where did you learn THAT?"

So...yes, it is a problem with my ex-lovers, but it seems that the problem we have in the present IS bleeding over into my past sexual history and letting it become a problem.

I hope that made sense, I'm not sure how to explain it.

Again, thank you for the advice. I'm paying attention!

S.

 

[SexyChele]

Okay, dealing with ex-lovers that are still present in some one's life is quite different than worrying about some one's sexual past, period.

In your last post, it sounds as though this man is developing a jealousy problem. It can be understandable - we all would like to think we were the first to introduce our partners to new, different, exciting things. Obsessing over the fact that it wasn't the case is a whole other matter.

You will need to communicate with this man openly. Let him know that you are willing to back away from the ex-lovers, because you value the relationship you are in and want it to work. But he needs to confront his insecurities - and that is what jealousies are.

You don't mention it, but I'm assuming this man has somewhat of a sexual past as well? Not to give tit for tat or anything, but let him know that you understand about his past, are willing to move forward, and would like the same consideration.

Hopefully the two of you can sit down and talk this out and come to a resolution.

Good luck!

 

[peachykeen]

I can see, though, how having your exes in your life would certainly bring out and exascerbate your current partner's jealousy, though. If they were not in your life now, he might not be so preoccupied with what you 'did' with them.

Like it or not, humans in general and in particular the male of the species are competetive animals. Even if he doesn't "want to" your man cannot help but think you are constantly comparing him to your past lovers - because he sees them as rivals, get it? Having them around keeps the competition ever-present.

 

[Mysticcal]

hi sheath, after reading your last post, I just had to throw my 2 cents in.....my ex bf was a lot like that too.

He was friends with ex-girlfriends but couldn't handle me being friends with my ex. And he was intensely jealous of anything from my past, to the point I couldn't mention anything I had ever done before, and that felt like such a wall between us.

Jealousy like that gets very wearing over time. It is something he needs to work on, not just you. Who you are, how you are with him, the things he loves about you, are due to your past. The men in your life helped make you who you are, and to have it be such a threat to him seems a big problem.

Frankly, I was asked once where did I learn something, and it was in such a jealous tone, I just pulled right away. That is such a clear cry from his insecurities, and jealousy, that I couldn't handle it. Maybe with more patience and love, we might have made it past that, but frankly, I think we deserve a man that might feel that twinge of jealousy, but then think, glad she knows that, or wants it, rather than be threatened.

Sorry I wasn't more postive, but sounds like it is more of his problem than yours. Good luck with this.

 

[Lust Engine]

Sorry I wasn't more postive, but sounds like it is more of his problem than yours. Good luck with this.

I'm a little inclined to disagree with this slightly. If you have any intentions on staying with this man then it's a problem for the BOTH of you guys.

While we can all relate to a ceratin degree to being jealous of former lovers, I think the thing that bothers him the most is that they're technically former lovers, but not former friends. How did he even find out they were former lovers? Or is he this way with all of your male friends, lovers & non-lovers? If he's insecure about other males around you, that's another issue. I think this might be a point to ponder- does he need to know everything about your past loves? Is too much honesty a bad thing here?

You can still re-assure him by telling him that HE's the one. Why do any of you guys need to bring up the past in that finite detail? If he asks, casually try to brush the question by... no need to pique his attention by telling him the complete blow-by-blow details of your sexual encounters.

While yes, I agree that he does have some jealousy issues he needs to work through but then I also think that you can also back off a bit because you might be fueling it some. Hopefully the both of you can come to some sort of resolution and move forward. Best of luck to you!

 

[Nefarious]

I'm with dickE

The current boyfriend is insecure. He was insecure years before he met you, and he'll be insecure on his deathbed. In between, you'll have to deal with his insecurity as long as you've got a relationship with him.

He is showing his true self. He is not confident in your love for him, and his jealousy will only get worse. He does not believe in your faithfulness. If he trusted you, this would not be an issue.

Bail before things get ugly.

 

[TumbledLove]

Which means more to you? The relationship with your boyfriend, or the friendships with your ex lovers? If it's the former, then you'd better start removing the ex's from your life. I'm not saying never talk to them again, but you should greatly limit the time you talk to or hang out with them. And you should keep your boyfriend informed of any contact you have with your exs. That'll at least help to keep things open and honest.

If you don't repect the fact that your boyfriend can't handle you being friends with your ex's, then your boyfriend will soon BE an ex.

 

[sheath]

You have all given me quite a lot to think about!

In response to Mysitccal...My boyfriend acts like yours did. He admits that he has a real thirst for details. He explains it like this: when I think of something in particular, like, the last guy that did "this" to me...my boyfriend wants me to think of HIM. He said that it is so important that he be the only one in my thoughts that he wants to know what all those things are that other men have done with me or taught me, so that he can take what they did and make it better.

I think that is wonderful, to a point. But I agree that what I did before makes me who I am today, and doesn't accepting who I am mean that he has to accept those things?

To Lust Engine...he found out about the former lovers because in the beginning of our relationship, he and I were very open about sexuality and our past. We both firmly believe that it is important for each of us to know at least the basics of the other's past. In the beginning, we had the usual twinges of jealousy for both of us, but we were very accepting of each other.

I quickly came to a point where I just decided that one thing, and one thing only, mattered about the experiences in his past. Now I simply ask, Did you learn from her? Was she good to you? Did you grow and change for the better because of her? And I leave it at that. But his jealousy just seems to grow instead of dissipating with time.

In the last few months, a few of those exes have made advances toward me, as I mentioned before. But instead of being worried about those specific men, he seems to be worried about EVERY man that is around me. Some days it isn't so bad, other days it is nothing but a barrage of questions.

************************************

One other thing: I put this in a little box because it might not apply to this situation...or maybe I just don't see it applying here...anyway, you can decide:

I didn't mention this point before because I didn't think it mattered, but since we are now delving into insecurities a little with this thread maybe it applies. One of those exes would be considered a "celebrity"...not all that popular yet, but certainly a recognizable singer and songwriter. That ex is quite a bit older than my boyfriend. I don't think about it that much because to me, he is just an ordinary man with an extraordinary job.

My boyfriend's questions, especially over the last few days, are becoming more and more directed toward that particular man. That makes me seriously think about the insecurity factor.

I also didn't think it would apply because my boyfriend is somewhat a "celebrity" in his own right, though not as successful (yet) as my ex is. My boyfriend is an incredible musician and I am SO proud of him.

*******************************************

As for what I'm doing now...I have talked to the exes and they are pretty understanding, and backing off quite a bit. I do keep my boyfriend informed of any contact I have with them. I am spending much more time with my boyfriend and we are talking in-depth about what both of us are feeling. It seems that as the exes are moving farther toward the fringes of my life, my boyfriend is opening up more about his fears, and that is a good thing for us. At least now we have something that we can get a handle on and deal with, a starting point, so to speak.

I should mention again that he is an absolutely amazing man. He is certainly the love of my life and the only man I want to grow old with. So in response to the question, which is more important? He is.

Thank you all...and I'm still paying attention!

S.

 

[Lust Engine]

Sounds as though you're already solving the issues you posed earlier and coming to some resolution with it all. I just had to stop in here & wish you the best with them.

 

[CelticFrog]

BUMPITY BUMP BUMP

I am bumping this for one reason, and one reason only.

Sheath, honey...
I want you to reread this and have yet another reminder that you were in an abusive relationship LONG before you had ANY CLUE WHATSOEVER that it was this bad.

I could go on and on and on about little bits of your posts just in this thread alone that send up bright red surveyor flags in a field of burning rubble. But it's always hindsight.

What I would like people to notice is that a lot of times we DON'T realize this sort of thing except in hindsight, and then it's late enough that we are having to reorganize ourselves and heal.

So here. This should help put things into perspective.
Again.

Ang

 

[sheath]

Oh.

Hell, I'm not sure what to say. I'm just floored by all that now.

I guess all I can say while this sinks in is...thanks.

I love you, Ang.

S.