JazzManJim
On the Downbeat
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2001
- Posts
- 27,360
Because, again, I'm inspired. 
It is again your intrepid reporter with another few lines of hints and tips on how you men can receive the best blowjob you've ever had in your life. I can nearly hear you now. "What?", you say to me. "My woman gives me the best blowjob I've ever had! How can such a thing get better?" To you I say, read on, O Fearless Sexual Maniac. Enlightenment lies within. Still others of you might say, "O Learned One. How may I, a humble and nigh virginal youth, receive such a blessing from a lovely and eager woman?" To you I say, what are you, an extra from Sheherezade? Keep reading. Still others might say, "What can a fat fuck like you know about blowjobs?" To you I say, Pannsy, get the hell out of my thread.
Now, the first and most critical part of receiving an amazing blowjob is to find the right woman (or man. It's up to you. I'm going to stay with "woman" here, though, otherwise I"m going to get the oogies). By they right woman I mean one who is breathing, in possession of most of her faculties, and is disposed to giving a blowjob, and is not a Lesbian. The last one is very important. Please dot not try to convince a lesbian to give you a blow job. As much as it may entertain us to watch you tilt at that windmill, it's just going to end badly - possibly with your own grisly death.
Assuming you have a woman in close proximity, and sex is likely to commence, we can proceed. If sex is not likely to commence, you should probably make some effort to get it to commence. Don't ask me how. That's a topic for another Guide. At some point in the evening, you both will be naked, or mostly so, and you will very much be wanting an Excellent Blowjob. You're going to have to let her know that this is what you want. Now the most direct way is to ask her, but really, asking is rather gauche. It's also generally timid and very few women like a timid man.
There are two good ways of letting the woman know that you want an Excellent Blowjob. First is the silent approach. Gently stroke her cheek as you kiss her the move it to the back of her head. AGain gently (and gentleness is really, really important here!), guide her head downwards. If your woman is good, and I"m sure she will be, you won't have to guide her any further than your chest. She'll know what you want and will be eager to give it to you.
If she doesn't take the hint, move on the the not-so-silent approach. This involves much the same maneuver but also adds the words (or something similar), "I want you to suck my cock". Go ahead say it out loud. Get the feel of it on your tongue. These are magic words, imbued with great power. Okay, perhaps if you're at work you shouldn't say them out loud. But when you get into your car, try them out. Try them under your breath on the subway headed home. Who knows? You might get lucky! Or arrested (in which case I near no responsibility for what you did. I wasn't even in the country at the time. I have no recollection...). The magic in those words is this. Every single woman on the planet wants a man with confidence. it doesn't matter whether the woman is passive or aggressive, strong or weak, big or small. Even Hilary Clinton wants to hear those words. Okay, maybe not from any of us, but from somebody. Hell, just forget I brought her name up. The point is that women like confidence. Those words fairly reek with confidence. They're strong without being an order, which turns off some women. They're deferential without being timid or wimpy. They're the perfect words for the situation.
And they'll get you the Excellent Blowjob.
Now let's move on to the point where her mouth is actually in contact with your genitals. Umm....guys? Come back here. Pay attention. Stop drifting off! bknight? I'm talking to you over there!
Contrary to populr belief, women do not have an innate ability to give a blowjob. They weren't born with it and it surely wasn't taught in classes in school. So they'll need a little help and only you can give it to them. Don't assume that the woman you're with knows exactly what she's doing. Even if you're lucky enough to be with a woman with natural talent and eagerness for blowjobs, you're still going to have to help her tailor what she's doing to you. Remember, the blowjob is about your pleasure. That's why she's doing it (even though most women get pleasure from it, too). That's important. Let me say it again. A woman gives you a blowjob because she wants you to feel good. Don't waste that and don't take that for granted.
Now the easiest way to let a woman know what you want is to tell her. Work it into the sex talk. Tell her when you want her to move faster or slower, deeper or shallower. Let her know you want your balls tickled. If you want a finger up your ass, well, okay. It's not my cup of tea, but hell, go for it. Take the whole hand, you stud! Again, the key here in confidence. Let her know what you'd like firmly, without being harsh or demanding (demanding's a whole different kink).
While she's doing her thing, it's going to feel really good. So let her know that, too. If she does somethign that sends a tingle down your spine, give her a pleasant moan and tell her. I bet she'll do it again. If she doesn't, let her know to do it again. She will, trust me.
Here are some things not to do. First, don't grab her ears like she's a pitcher of water and start pumping her head onto you. It will surprise her unpleasantly and her reaction will be painful. Very painful. See another thread here for those descriptions. All I'm saying is that insistence is good, but you have to know if your woman is the kind of woman who goes for that. Some do. Most don't. So, no jug-handles. Also, don't pull too hard on her hair. It hurts, and not in that good way. Be easy and firm with your motions. Don't yank and bank her head like your'e playing Pac Man. Trust me, you won't get the Magic Pellet that way. This ain't a PS2 and our woman ain't a joypad.
I also want to bring up an exciting little position I discovered a while back. Now, you can't do this with a women who is easily distracted, so gauge your woman accordingly. But if you do get the chacne to do it, you'll both love it! Here's how it works. Instead of being in front of you, have the woman kneel next to you, with her hips next to your head or shoulder. Then, when she's giving you the blowjob, use your fingers on her clit and pussy. If you're both just crazed, use a vibrator or dildo. First, the sensations you get from a blowjob at that angle are different and very good. Second, youll be exciting her a whole heck of a lot. The muffled moans she'll be making will be even more of a turn-on. If you're good, you may give her an orgasm while she's giving you a blowjob. This is what we call in Vegas a JACKPOT! My friend, you have entered the Promised Land. You are allowed to boast. Try it tonight. You'll thank me in the morning. So will she. Your neighbors, on the other hand, won't.
As your approach liftoff (that's an orgasm for you in Snootyville), you need to let her know. Cumming in her mouth, though she may like it very much, shold never be a surprise. At best she's going to be upset. At worst, you'll gag her and have to get the dishtowels out. don't do that. A simple "Oh baby, I'm going to cum" will let her know that she's reached the Moment of Truth. She can decide at that point whether she'll swallow, pull out, alert the media, or whatever. Again, don't Jug-handle her! No! Bad Man! Let the orgasm happen and let her do what she wants to do. She'll do the right thing. Woman always do at this moment. You might get a pleasant surprise, too, if she aims you at her breasts or face. WooHoo! Money Shot! Ride the wave, my friend. You're in Heaven, my friend, and the Angels are singing.
So herre's the conclusion. Guide gently, hint often, be assertive and confident, no jug-handling. Try the sideways blowjob with required finger action. The Excellent Blowjob is that simple.
It is again your intrepid reporter with another few lines of hints and tips on how you men can receive the best blowjob you've ever had in your life. I can nearly hear you now. "What?", you say to me. "My woman gives me the best blowjob I've ever had! How can such a thing get better?" To you I say, read on, O Fearless Sexual Maniac. Enlightenment lies within. Still others of you might say, "O Learned One. How may I, a humble and nigh virginal youth, receive such a blessing from a lovely and eager woman?" To you I say, what are you, an extra from Sheherezade? Keep reading. Still others might say, "What can a fat fuck like you know about blowjobs?" To you I say, Pannsy, get the hell out of my thread.
Now, the first and most critical part of receiving an amazing blowjob is to find the right woman (or man. It's up to you. I'm going to stay with "woman" here, though, otherwise I"m going to get the oogies). By they right woman I mean one who is breathing, in possession of most of her faculties, and is disposed to giving a blowjob, and is not a Lesbian. The last one is very important. Please dot not try to convince a lesbian to give you a blow job. As much as it may entertain us to watch you tilt at that windmill, it's just going to end badly - possibly with your own grisly death.
Assuming you have a woman in close proximity, and sex is likely to commence, we can proceed. If sex is not likely to commence, you should probably make some effort to get it to commence. Don't ask me how. That's a topic for another Guide. At some point in the evening, you both will be naked, or mostly so, and you will very much be wanting an Excellent Blowjob. You're going to have to let her know that this is what you want. Now the most direct way is to ask her, but really, asking is rather gauche. It's also generally timid and very few women like a timid man.
There are two good ways of letting the woman know that you want an Excellent Blowjob. First is the silent approach. Gently stroke her cheek as you kiss her the move it to the back of her head. AGain gently (and gentleness is really, really important here!), guide her head downwards. If your woman is good, and I"m sure she will be, you won't have to guide her any further than your chest. She'll know what you want and will be eager to give it to you.
If she doesn't take the hint, move on the the not-so-silent approach. This involves much the same maneuver but also adds the words (or something similar), "I want you to suck my cock". Go ahead say it out loud. Get the feel of it on your tongue. These are magic words, imbued with great power. Okay, perhaps if you're at work you shouldn't say them out loud. But when you get into your car, try them out. Try them under your breath on the subway headed home. Who knows? You might get lucky! Or arrested (in which case I near no responsibility for what you did. I wasn't even in the country at the time. I have no recollection...). The magic in those words is this. Every single woman on the planet wants a man with confidence. it doesn't matter whether the woman is passive or aggressive, strong or weak, big or small. Even Hilary Clinton wants to hear those words. Okay, maybe not from any of us, but from somebody. Hell, just forget I brought her name up. The point is that women like confidence. Those words fairly reek with confidence. They're strong without being an order, which turns off some women. They're deferential without being timid or wimpy. They're the perfect words for the situation.
And they'll get you the Excellent Blowjob.
Now let's move on to the point where her mouth is actually in contact with your genitals. Umm....guys? Come back here. Pay attention. Stop drifting off! bknight? I'm talking to you over there!
Contrary to populr belief, women do not have an innate ability to give a blowjob. They weren't born with it and it surely wasn't taught in classes in school. So they'll need a little help and only you can give it to them. Don't assume that the woman you're with knows exactly what she's doing. Even if you're lucky enough to be with a woman with natural talent and eagerness for blowjobs, you're still going to have to help her tailor what she's doing to you. Remember, the blowjob is about your pleasure. That's why she's doing it (even though most women get pleasure from it, too). That's important. Let me say it again. A woman gives you a blowjob because she wants you to feel good. Don't waste that and don't take that for granted.
Now the easiest way to let a woman know what you want is to tell her. Work it into the sex talk. Tell her when you want her to move faster or slower, deeper or shallower. Let her know you want your balls tickled. If you want a finger up your ass, well, okay. It's not my cup of tea, but hell, go for it. Take the whole hand, you stud! Again, the key here in confidence. Let her know what you'd like firmly, without being harsh or demanding (demanding's a whole different kink).
While she's doing her thing, it's going to feel really good. So let her know that, too. If she does somethign that sends a tingle down your spine, give her a pleasant moan and tell her. I bet she'll do it again. If she doesn't, let her know to do it again. She will, trust me.
Here are some things not to do. First, don't grab her ears like she's a pitcher of water and start pumping her head onto you. It will surprise her unpleasantly and her reaction will be painful. Very painful. See another thread here for those descriptions. All I'm saying is that insistence is good, but you have to know if your woman is the kind of woman who goes for that. Some do. Most don't. So, no jug-handles. Also, don't pull too hard on her hair. It hurts, and not in that good way. Be easy and firm with your motions. Don't yank and bank her head like your'e playing Pac Man. Trust me, you won't get the Magic Pellet that way. This ain't a PS2 and our woman ain't a joypad.
I also want to bring up an exciting little position I discovered a while back. Now, you can't do this with a women who is easily distracted, so gauge your woman accordingly. But if you do get the chacne to do it, you'll both love it! Here's how it works. Instead of being in front of you, have the woman kneel next to you, with her hips next to your head or shoulder. Then, when she's giving you the blowjob, use your fingers on her clit and pussy. If you're both just crazed, use a vibrator or dildo. First, the sensations you get from a blowjob at that angle are different and very good. Second, youll be exciting her a whole heck of a lot. The muffled moans she'll be making will be even more of a turn-on. If you're good, you may give her an orgasm while she's giving you a blowjob. This is what we call in Vegas a JACKPOT! My friend, you have entered the Promised Land. You are allowed to boast. Try it tonight. You'll thank me in the morning. So will she. Your neighbors, on the other hand, won't.
As your approach liftoff (that's an orgasm for you in Snootyville), you need to let her know. Cumming in her mouth, though she may like it very much, shold never be a surprise. At best she's going to be upset. At worst, you'll gag her and have to get the dishtowels out. don't do that. A simple "Oh baby, I'm going to cum" will let her know that she's reached the Moment of Truth. She can decide at that point whether she'll swallow, pull out, alert the media, or whatever. Again, don't Jug-handle her! No! Bad Man! Let the orgasm happen and let her do what she wants to do. She'll do the right thing. Woman always do at this moment. You might get a pleasant surprise, too, if she aims you at her breasts or face. WooHoo! Money Shot! Ride the wave, my friend. You're in Heaven, my friend, and the Angels are singing.
So herre's the conclusion. Guide gently, hint often, be assertive and confident, no jug-handling. Try the sideways blowjob with required finger action. The Excellent Blowjob is that simple.
