I've written a poem.

[PAUL C]

I've written a poem.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=18935

It's not very long and probably not very good but I have had one response to it from a fellow writer on this site:

'Damm it, Paul. Now you've gone and made me cry.'

If anybody else has any comments I would be pleased to hear them.

P.S. I know it doesn't rhyme.

 

[JUDO]

Nice

PC-

Funny how the repetitive line didn't really strike home with me until the end. At first, it was simply annoying like some kind of crutch device "What, he couldn't think of anything else?"

Then, with a softness that makes it touching, the repeating line struck a chord with the ending.

Very nice, Paul. Who will, indeed?

- Judo

 

[Guest]

Yes - the shift in meaning of "come" from the beginning to the end is both clever and effective. It makes a good pivot point.

However, the line "Who will come for me" gets SO repetitious, that it starts to interfer with the progression of the "story".

How about trying this - - put that line in at varying places? Say every other line for three times, then after two or three other lines. At one point, you might even want it after four other lines.

Try different combinations. You'll probably find one varying insertion points that works very well.

 

[The_old_man]

Altho I do not mormaly enjoy poetry, I too found the message touching.

I also agree with Unregistered that the repetition tends to detract.