Kirk482002
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Sep 28, 2003
- Posts
- 131
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I've never tried this catagory before.
- Thread starter Kirk482002
- Start date
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
Kirk,
Nice work. There were a few awkward/rough spots which I’ve noted in CAPS. You might want to try and cut back on the use of “I” at the beginning of your sentences. Try to talk about them, not just him. For instance: "I keep remembering the first time I met you, just a few months ago."
That sentence could also be written: "I'll never forget the first time we met." For what it's worth, I'd omit the rest of the sentence since, presumably, she also knows how long it's been since they met.
I’m not sure it the minimum word length for Lit stories (750 words) applies to Letters, which I assume is the category you’d pick. It probably wouldn’t hurt to check that out. If in doubt, send a PM to Laurel.
Good luck.
Rumple Foreskin
--
Dearest Paula,
It’s only been a few days since I’ve (I) heard your voice. I feel like there is a vacant space in my life. My soul feels incomplete. I know you have flown south to help a friend, but I can’t take the emptiness. Never in my life have I ever (OMIT “EVER”) felt this way about a woman. I keep remembering the first time I met you, just a few months ago. You were at work helping a customer. Our eyes met and I fell in love with you immediately. Your green eyes, shy smile, and warm voice won me before you said hello. (HOW CAN HER “WARM VOICE” WIN HIM BEFORE SHE EVEN SAYS HELLO?) Somehow you saw it in my face and blushed. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. All I wanted when I had come (OMIT “HAD COME” ADD “CAME”) into the store was some Christmas decorations for my house. I felt weak kneed when I approached you to ask a question about some dumb decoration. You reached for it as I held it in my hand. As your fingers touched mine, I felt a jolt of energy that shot through me (OMIT THE REST OF THE SENTENCE) a sure as an electric shock. I know that you felt it too, because you had trouble answering me. Instead, you stared into my eyes. Even though it was obvious that we were over 50, I knew that you weren’t married. I could feel it. It was as if fate was directing us both. I tried to ask you out for coffee after work, but all that came out was a squeak. You answered with a squeak of your own.
As we sat and drank coffee, we told tales of our children and our grandchildren. We told of our divorces and the ugliness of the proceedings. We spoke of the world we live in and about our dreams and aspirations that still lay ahead. In all (OF?) that, there existed a void that needed to be filled. The void in my life has been perfectly filled by you. I pray that I was what you needed to fill yours. I held your hand across the table. That simple feeling was so innocent, yet it sent a charge into me that I had forgotten since I was a teenager. Is it still possible to love like kids again, without passion and the lust? You know, just the innocent feeling of new love.(?)
They say(, “) ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’.(.”) I disagree. Absence creates another void on someone’s life. I couldn’t love you anymore if I lived another 50 years.
I remember being alone with you the first time.(NEED TO COMBINE THE TWO SENTENCES) You invited me for dinner. Afterward, we sat and watched a movie. I wasn’t watching it. I was looking at your hand in mine. It’s smooth skin and smallness endeared me to you even more. I decided to brave a kiss. It was as if I kissed the first girl in my life. I didn’t want it to end. Your sweet lips on mine were all that I could think about. When we broke the kiss, I remember you looking into my eyes with a question that neither of us was ready to utter the answer to. (OMIT “UTTER THE” AND “TO”) I knew. I knew from the first second that I met you! But I was afraid to say it. I’m sure you held your tongue for the same reason.
I remember telling you the first time. We were walking back to my car after having dinner at a restaurant. Before I opened the door for you, I looked at you and said it. You froze. Then you said, “I know. I’ve always, known.” You kissed me, and said the same to me.
Last week I asked you to marry me. I have no idea how I managed to utter that. I’ve been burned twice by those words. Somehow, I know that it was right this time. You said yes. I’ve asked that question three times. This is the first time I remember wanting to have a party to celebrate.
Paula, dear Lord I love you so much. Please hurry back,
Nice work. There were a few awkward/rough spots which I’ve noted in CAPS. You might want to try and cut back on the use of “I” at the beginning of your sentences. Try to talk about them, not just him. For instance: "I keep remembering the first time I met you, just a few months ago."
That sentence could also be written: "I'll never forget the first time we met." For what it's worth, I'd omit the rest of the sentence since, presumably, she also knows how long it's been since they met.
I’m not sure it the minimum word length for Lit stories (750 words) applies to Letters, which I assume is the category you’d pick. It probably wouldn’t hurt to check that out. If in doubt, send a PM to Laurel.
Good luck.
Rumple Foreskin
--
Dearest Paula,
It’s only been a few days since I’ve (I) heard your voice. I feel like there is a vacant space in my life. My soul feels incomplete. I know you have flown south to help a friend, but I can’t take the emptiness. Never in my life have I ever (OMIT “EVER”) felt this way about a woman. I keep remembering the first time I met you, just a few months ago. You were at work helping a customer. Our eyes met and I fell in love with you immediately. Your green eyes, shy smile, and warm voice won me before you said hello. (HOW CAN HER “WARM VOICE” WIN HIM BEFORE SHE EVEN SAYS HELLO?) Somehow you saw it in my face and blushed. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. All I wanted when I had come (OMIT “HAD COME” ADD “CAME”) into the store was some Christmas decorations for my house. I felt weak kneed when I approached you to ask a question about some dumb decoration. You reached for it as I held it in my hand. As your fingers touched mine, I felt a jolt of energy that shot through me (OMIT THE REST OF THE SENTENCE) a sure as an electric shock. I know that you felt it too, because you had trouble answering me. Instead, you stared into my eyes. Even though it was obvious that we were over 50, I knew that you weren’t married. I could feel it. It was as if fate was directing us both. I tried to ask you out for coffee after work, but all that came out was a squeak. You answered with a squeak of your own.
As we sat and drank coffee, we told tales of our children and our grandchildren. We told of our divorces and the ugliness of the proceedings. We spoke of the world we live in and about our dreams and aspirations that still lay ahead. In all (OF?) that, there existed a void that needed to be filled. The void in my life has been perfectly filled by you. I pray that I was what you needed to fill yours. I held your hand across the table. That simple feeling was so innocent, yet it sent a charge into me that I had forgotten since I was a teenager. Is it still possible to love like kids again, without passion and the lust? You know, just the innocent feeling of new love.(?)
They say(, “) ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’.(.”) I disagree. Absence creates another void on someone’s life. I couldn’t love you anymore if I lived another 50 years.
I remember being alone with you the first time.(NEED TO COMBINE THE TWO SENTENCES) You invited me for dinner. Afterward, we sat and watched a movie. I wasn’t watching it. I was looking at your hand in mine. It’s smooth skin and smallness endeared me to you even more. I decided to brave a kiss. It was as if I kissed the first girl in my life. I didn’t want it to end. Your sweet lips on mine were all that I could think about. When we broke the kiss, I remember you looking into my eyes with a question that neither of us was ready to utter the answer to. (OMIT “UTTER THE” AND “TO”) I knew. I knew from the first second that I met you! But I was afraid to say it. I’m sure you held your tongue for the same reason.
I remember telling you the first time. We were walking back to my car after having dinner at a restaurant. Before I opened the door for you, I looked at you and said it. You froze. Then you said, “I know. I’ve always, known.” You kissed me, and said the same to me.
Last week I asked you to marry me. I have no idea how I managed to utter that. I’ve been burned twice by those words. Somehow, I know that it was right this time. You said yes. I’ve asked that question three times. This is the first time I remember wanting to have a party to celebrate.
Paula, dear Lord I love you so much. Please hurry back,
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