I've just realised

[starrkers]

*No one has to read this. I just needed to write it*

God I'm slow. It finally occurred to me this afternoon, while looking at storm damage photos of Newcastle, that a lot of my mental state can be traced back to the earthquake.

In 1989 Australia's first fatal earthquake occurred in the city I lived and worked in. For the first couple of weeks after, the centre of the city was closed off to everyone except residents and "essential" workers. I was an essential worker - on the newspaper.

To get to work we had to drive through roadblocks, at least three of them, and show our "get through the barricades free" passes. We took a different route every couple of days, as more buildings collapsed into the streets and more were demolished.

I will never forget walking down the centre of deserted streets, watching the tops of the buildings for falling bricks, on my way from where I had to leave my car to the office. Walking past roadblocks manned by Army personnel in full kit, including rifles.

Walking out of the office on New Year's Eve. The street lights were on, but the streets were totally empty. Then driving out to a party my then boyfriend was attending in the outer suburbs, driving out of the destruction and past a few parties here and there. I had to pull over at one stage and just cry.

I remember the third day after the quake: we were all feverishly working to get the paper out and three bods came through the office wearing hardhats. They were there to decide if the building was safe to stay in. We'd been in it for the previous three days.

The interior walls were cracked and you could see daylight through the wall in the ladies restroom.

When the city finally reopened to the public, many buildings were cordoned off as "dangerous", including the front corner of ours, and the whole block was shut because of the bricks coming off the building across the road. We'd been walking past it for a fortnight.

It never occurred to me at the time - but I spent that fortnight dreading going into that deadzone each day. We wrote stories and took pictures and made a historical record of that event. We saw things most other people didn't, and wouldn't want to.

And just writing this, my chest is tightening up again.
But at least I've finally figured out why I'm a bit of a basketcase now

 

[cantdog]

The Anglo-Saxon way, as Nero Wolfe said in one of those delightful books, with emotions and desserts is to freeze them and hide them in your belly. The buggers are still there, though. The recital you gave brought them welling up.

During the emergency itself, you had things to deal with, and working them out right there at the time would perhaps have made you less useful. I was a fireman; we needed to shelve the emotions and do a job, and we got good at it. I can't begin to say, of course, how this would play out in your situation, but one of the things I found most efficient for discharging all that sort of baggage was helping another person deal with it. A session of sympathetic acknowledgement on behalf of someone else always relieved my own emotional cold-storage.

I'm not so great at it. I cry sometimes, years later, when some trigger gets twitched to release it. But so long as I'm without responsibility at the moment, I let it come. Telling someone the story helps. Good luck.

 

[impressive]

There's a reason that PTSD is a legitimate psych diagnosis.



I know that I, in the thick of a crisis, function very efficiently & effectively -- very dispassionately, even -- but when it's over, I must have my breakdown. Further, I must have it alone -- where I can safely open my locked trunk of feelings, take them out one by one & examine them, sit with them, integrate them into my now. I emerge changed -- better, stronger, whole-er than I was when those things were locked away & apart.

Good luck on your journey.

 

[jomar]

Yes, PTSD can certainly take its toll. But there are treatments for the trauma. Talk to a therapist with experience in treating PTSD (obviously) and ask what kind of focus or combination would help you best (e.g., EMDR, CBT). Journaling can help as well.

 

[cantdog]

Phooey on diagnosis; the girl's been through some real shit and has to deal with it.

 

[jomar]

Phooey on diagnosis; the girl's been through some real shit and has to deal with it.

What does that mean? Plenty of paramedics, firemen and policemen have PTSD from all the horror they see. Lot's of them deal with it with staying too busy so as to distract themselves (they can't be still for too long) and/or alcohol, and end up having difficulty for years (e.g., anger, relationship problems) as by products. There are real and effective treatments for people having gone through abnormal circumstances. It's not just a matter of "deal with it." That sounds like you're saying "just man up."

My apologies Starrkers. In my earlier post I should have said you might want to talk to someone to see if you meet symptom criteria for PTSD and what can be done about your situation (e.g., including those things I mentioned). Didn't mean to sound like I was giving you an armchair diagnosis. Only that based on what you said seeing someone couldn't hurt...

 

[snake307]

Stress is a difficult thing to endure long term

Danger get's the adreneline pumping, and while you are in it, often you feel more alive than at any other time. Yet, years later, part of your mind that had difficulty dealing with the situation will sometimes speak to you.

It's something that I am apparently immune to, yet I understand that others aren't. We all have our individual strength, and our individual weakness. While I can't say I have been there, I've known some who have been there, and can tell you that talking about it will soften the pain, and help quell the nightmares.

Earthquakes are something that I do understand, I grew up in Southern California, and have experienced quite a few. Earthquakes are frightening especially if it's your first few. I got used to them, but again, that is me, and not the required norm. Earthquakes are scary because there is no warning. Unlike a hurricane, you can't see them coming for days. Unlike a Tornado, there is no thunderstorm to warn you that danger may be approaching. Suddenly, the earth, which you have counted on to be strong and stable your whole life, rebels and is bouncing, rolling, or jerking under you. Just standing up is difficult, and movement is often impossible. The buildings which a moment ago appeared so strong and timeless are now waving in the air, and falling down around you.

It kind of shakes your faith in what you have always taken for granted.

Since this is an adult board, I'll give you a true story concerning one, perhaps you'll find it amusing.

A girl and I had just finished having sex, and were laying in her bed. I mean literally just finished, I had just rolled off of her. Suddenly the room started shaking, an earthquake. We lay in the bed while the earth rolled under us and it felt like we were on a roller coaster, going up and down over small rises.

In a few seconds, the earthquake ended, it wasn't a bad one, we had both been through worse. I being a smart ass even then turned to her and could see she was frightened. We hadn't jumped up and run to safety or anything like that. I then asked her "Did the earth move for you too?"

She spent the next ten minutes hitting me and cursing me. Then she started to laugh, and calmed down.

 

[starrkers]

Thanks for reading, guys.

I think just finally realising that the earthquake and its aftermath (mostly the aftermath) was a really big deal in my life will make a bit of a difference.
Sounds silly to say that, but I really hadn't considered that is was a big deal - it was just another news story. We all just went about our jobs, trying to get information out to people, and then went home to clean up ourselves.

We commiserated over damaged homes and leaking roofs when it rained and swapped stories about the buildings that fell down or were knocked down around us and joined the other media types at whichever pub we could find open (our favourite watering holes were closed due to damage).

Gradually things returned to normal, we stopped watching for cracked building facades and falling bricks and we all just went on to the next story.

But looking back now (and it's getting on for 20 years since the quake), a lot of my workmates from that time have left the industry and many have dropped off the planet (like me - I haven't worked in newspapers for 10 years, rarely even watch the news anymore and have moved to a small village several 100km from there).

Time to stop hiding from it and acknowledge it all, I guess.

 

[oggbashan]

I think it is the sort of response that can hit anyone, anytime immediately after an event, or years later when the realisation hits that you are not immortal and you or yours could have died.

I was in a battlezone when I was aged 10. It hasn't bothered me as much as less traumatic events in my later years. One of my friends was due to join me in the area that became the battlezone. He didn't come, because the authorities became aware of the minor war. His parents took it very badly - their eldest son could have been killed. Even though he DIDN'T go, he has had more trouble about the event than I had.

"What if?" can be a painful question to ask.

Og

 

[cantdog]

What does that mean? Plenty of paramedics, firemen and policemen have PTSD from all the horror they see. Lot's of them deal with it with staying too busy so as to distract themselves (they can't be still for too long) and/or alcohol, and end up having difficulty for years (e.g., anger, relationship problems) as by products. There are real and effective treatments for people having gone through abnormal circumstances. It's not just a matter of "deal with it." That sounds like you're saying "just man up."

My apologies Starrkers. In my earlier post I should have said you might want to talk to someone to see if you meet symptom criteria for PTSD and what can be done about your situation (e.g., including those things I mentioned). Didn't mean to sound like I was giving you an armchair diagnosis. Only that based on what you said seeing someone couldn't hurt...

Sorry, jomar, it was my sense of humor acting up again.

 

[starrkers]

There's a reason that PTSD is a legitimate psych diagnosis.



I know that I, in the thick of a crisis, function very efficiently & effectively -- very dispassionately, even -- but when it's over, I must have my breakdown. Further, I must have it alone -- where I can safely open my locked trunk of feelings, take them out one by one & examine them, sit with them, integrate them into my now. I emerge changed -- better, stronger, whole-er than I was when those things were locked away & apart.

Good luck on your journey.

I'm hoping I can manage something similar on this one - if I can pry open the rusty lock!