I've a conundrum

[BlueNightingale]

Life is full of problems. I get that.

One last and final.
I've had enough of this place, it brings out the worst in me.

~^..^

 

[CutieMouse]

You're having an emotional affair and cheating on your spouse; so is the person with whom you've formed this "friendship". You've already crossed a line, and are giving this online relationship the energy one us (theoretically) supposed to reserve for their spouse (presuming a traditional monogamous relationship).

Either end the affair and fix the marriage, or end the affair until the marriage are over. It isn't fair to the spouses involved, otherwise.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You open up and tell him about something new-- a new sexuality-- in your life.

He calls you "cute."

Yeah... upon such a rock has many a marriage foundered.

I'm thinking-- well, you probably already know this-- that he is actively shutting down the communication between you. I can think of a dozen reasons why he might do that-- but no matter what the reason is, he's going to lose his partnership.

People might try to tell you you are being shallow to put so much importance into sex all of a sudden.

But he is demonstrating a significant lack of respect, and that's what the issue is.

 

[njlauren]

Stella's advice is valid, when you tried to discuss something with him and said it was 'cute', it isn't cute, it is intentionally demeaning, like you would say to a child. It sounds like someone not wanting to talk or caring to talk, so they shut the door with that.

My advice, for what it is worth? If you need to find solace in an online relationship like that (and yes, it is emotional cheating, very much so) then something is really wrong with your marriage, you are basically stepping out and finding comfort from someone else. Please understand me, I am not judging you with this, saying 'how could you' and so forth, the online thing is a symptom of an ill. I think you have to realize this is a lot more then sex (though sex is a key component), it is about drifting apart rather then sharing.

I think you have some options here, but it depends on how you see your marriage:

-End the online stuff, get into counseling and therapy with your husband, if you feel the relationship is otherwise worth saving (from your description, doesn't sound like it, but I have no way to tell), to where you guys can talk about fantasies and such. Could be the online stuff has pulled you away from him and he is pulling back as well, so ending it might help improve things.

-End the online stuff, get counseling and find a way to wind down your marriage, if it isn't doing it for you. Believe me, it would be a lot less cruel and painful if you do that, then if you keep up what you are doing, and start really seeing other people. It will end up hurting your husband a great deal and unless you are made of stone, you will also be hurt, by guilt and by other things, if you go that route.

I wish you well, I think wheter you are top or bottom or whatever, the real issue is you are in a failing relationship.

 

[game_master24]

-End the online stuff, get into counseling and therapy with your husband, if you feel the relationship is otherwise worth saving (from your description, doesn't sound like it, but I have no way to tell), to where you guys can talk about fantasies and such. Could be the online stuff has pulled you away from him and he is pulling back as well, so ending it might help improve things.

-End the online stuff, get counseling and find a way to wind down your marriage, if it isn't doing it for you. Believe me, it would be a lot less cruel and painful if you do that, then if you keep up what you are doing, and start really seeing other people. It will end up hurting your husband a great deal and unless you are made of stone, you will also be hurt, by guilt and by other things, if you go that route.

I wish you well, I think wheter you are top or bottom or whatever, the real issue is you are in a failing relationship.

Communication is always the answer. Regardless of whether you feel something for your husband anymore, you need to sit him down and tell him how not 'cute' this is. Counseling should help with that.

CutieMouse is right you've all ready crossed a line.

 

[Red Sonja]

Issue 1: You are not being unreasonable. You should be able to expect at least open dialogue with your spouse. "Cute" does not cut it. It shows a lack of respect for you, and honestly, a bit of contempt. Contempt is a very bad thing for a marriage. When you sense that your partner has contempt for you; it leads to Issue 2.

Issue 2: As others have mentioned, you are already having an affair. You are sharing things with this person that should be reserved for your monogamous partner. You are also relying on them as a source of emotional support.

Your options are limited. Either rip the band-aid off and call the marriage over; or go to counseling and try to save it. Since the contempt is coming from your other half; your ability to fix things is significantly limited. It takes two to be married and both of you need to work on things.

Issue 3: It is deeply deeply naive of you to think that you can continue in this way. You are in pain right now because you don't want to make a decision. The reality is that whatever you decide is painful. Ending the marriage will hurt. Ending the affair will hurt. Ending both, going to counseling and getting your life in order will hurt.

Or in other words: Life is pain, Highness, and anyone who tells you different is selling something. (credit to the Princess Bride)

 

[IrisAlthea]

I don't know how monogamous your marriage is but I think your online "friendship" seems to be the least of your problems with the marriage.
Non-existent physical part of the relationship and getting an amused "cute" when you bring up something that matters to you would be the real issues for me.
I wouldn't make a decision about the marriage based on some online-contact and what that relationship might or might not bring. I'd decide about the marriage based on how the marriage works if that makes any sense.

 

[duckandbunny79]

Without knowing the in's and out's of everything it's always tricky giving advice. However, once upon a time you found it reasonable to commit your life to this partner.

If it has reached the point of no return, then I would suggest being open and honest with them about where you are in the relationship. Not just what you want physically, but how you feel about the relationship you are in and ask them how they feel about the relationship (you may have already done this).

There maybe tears, there maybe anger, but unless you can lay it all on the line for the both of you, it's hard to know what the other is thinking. At that point you may feel there is still a chance or you may feel it cannot be rescued, but at least you and he will know for sure.

 

[Primalex]

The problem is that my spouse finds this fact amusing.
The physical part of our marriage has been non-existent for years. I had hoped that opening a door to something new might help that. We've been teetering on a cliff and frankly being called "cute" and laughed at has about pushed me over the edge.
Issue one, then is whether I'm being unreasonable. May I not expect some understanding if not cooperation?

Hm.
Tough call. First of all, you had the advantage of the attacker. You've played with this idea in your head for quite some time over and over again most likely, including how and when to approach him - including lots of masturbation to fuel this fantasy further.

He didn't have a clue and had to come up with a reaction "immediately".

That's at least how I read it, I wasn't there.

There is now someone in my life who does understand and wants to share my new-found enthusiasm with me.

No surprise.

Is it inevitable that one or both of us will want to become more?

You can answer this question already on your own.


If your campfire is merely smoldering, throwing a ton of paper at it does no good.


Would you mind if your spouse would look here for some fun time? Who says he is not unhappy?

 

[Netzach]

The bottom line is that you want what you want and there's no painless way to deal with it. There isn't even a way to deal with it in which nobody is liable to be thought of as "dickish" in their handling.

Sucks, but decide what you really need. Life is short. Don't spend it on the proverbial pot.

Oh, and a life of duplicity IS a valid choice. It's not a nice choice, it's not even a strategic choice, but it's a choice, and sometimes I'll even say it's the right one. Lit has a miserable time with moral gray areas on this subject, though just about none other.

It doesn't always end in tears. It doesn't just about ever end happily ever after la la la. It sometimes smoulders on for a lifetime and keeps people from murdering their spouse in their sleep. It sometimes becomes the quiet subject of painful denial, but other things keep people together. Whatever. You know what's best for you, and you probably know right now.

 

[intothewoods]

The bottom line is that you want what you want and there's no painless way to deal with it. There isn't even a way to deal with it in which nobody is liable to be thought of as "dickish" in their handling.

Sucks, but decide what you really need. Life is short. Don't spend it on the proverbial pot.

Oh, and a life of duplicity IS a valid choice. It's not a nice choice, it's not even a strategic choice, but it's a choice, and sometimes I'll even say it's the right one. Lit has a miserable time with moral gray areas on this subject, though just about none other.

It doesn't always end in tears. It doesn't just about ever end happily ever after la la la. It sometimes smoulders on for a lifetime and keeps people from murdering their spouse in their sleep. It sometimes becomes the quiet subject of painful denial, but other things keep people together. Whatever. You know what's best for you, and you probably know right now.

I know more examples of where it ended in tears and a whole lot of drama, but I assume that's because the people who can compartmentalize are good at keeping that stuff locked down.

You do have to know what's best for you.

 

[Netzach]

I know more examples of where it ended in tears and a whole lot of drama, but I assume that's because the people who can compartmentalize are good at keeping that stuff locked down.

You do have to know what's best for you.

Absolutely, it's got a poor track record as the path to human happiness, but it's hardly the disaster movie death ray of doom that people make it out to be in all cases either. I hardly recommend it as a great idea, however a quick look at human history shows that it's also pretty amazingly normal.

An obsessive fixation with marital fidelity is totally a new invention.

Don't mind me. The Mythbusters' saw "any result is a result" is my mantra.

 

[Agoodyear]

I Sympathise...

Life is full of problems. I get that.
Here's my current one.

Please don't laugh but I always just considered that ultimate loss of control part of really good sex. It never occurred to me that I could take the opposite role but the idea has become extremely attractive.
The more I see and read, the more I find myself drawn in this direction (though to which role more strongly I can't say.)
Things I've done in the past are being cast in a new light. Things I've never dared do seem excitingly possible.

The problem is that my spouse finds this fact amusing.
The physical part of our marriage has been non-existent for years. I had hoped that opening a door to something new might help that. We've been teetering on a cliff and frankly being called "cute" and laughed at has about pushed me over the edge.
Issue one, then is whether I'm being unreasonable. May I not expect some understanding if not cooperation?

There is now someone in my life who does understand and wants to share my new-found enthusiasm with me. In fact we've gotten a bit more than fond of one another. This is in spite of having kept things to a "friends" level.
We spend time together talking, writing, and occasionally sharing fantasies about things neither of our spouses want to know about.
Issue two is how to continue as we are despite one spouse suddenly having a problem with so much online interaction between the two of us. (Neither marriage is in a good place and that ticking sound may well be the clock winding down on both, regardless of whether we continue.)

The final issue is whether it's naive of me to think that we can continue as we are. Is it inevitable that one or both of us will want to become more? (At this point it may only be distance that has prevented that from happening.)
I have no illusions about what the repercussions of that would be.
I've ended online interactions before because I felt myself moving toward wanting to take it further but never after so long a time as this. More importantly, never one in which there was this particular common ground.

Any advice or insight will be very much appreciated.

I think, as far as your relationship is concerned, the cracks run deep. That's not to say that it can't be saved but your partner needs to want to save it too. The fact that you have turned to lit means you were dissatisfied with your relationship and needed more, it's impossible to say if good communication would have averted the problems you have now.

I am in the same situation, I feel like I need more but my wife doesn't want to be involved, I suppose it's ultimately my problem because it's me that's unhappy and she is content with the way things are. Some of the replies to your post are spot on, you have already crossed the line, as have I in my relationship. In my case I feel it's got to come to a head, and a hard choice has to be made, I think it would be for the best in your case. You can continue leading a secret life, but ultimately would you be truly happy?

Hope this works out for you

 

[CVJoiner]

.....

 

[duckandbunny79]

The other thing with online relationships is they are limited.

When I used to date my now wife, we would only see each other on weekends and nights out. So we both obviously made sure we where marketing ourselves as best as we could. Then as you spend more and more time together it becomes impossible to market yourself at that level 24/7.

Then as closer union comes about, there is a certain amount of symbiosis, whilst we are not slaves to our spouses, our choices do become more restricted. Sure we could all do exactly what we want but most relationships would not last long simply because doing what you want without account for others is not a relationship.

I understand those who say manogomy is not the only life, and it is true, my point is more that if you want out of the contract then both parties should be aware. After all marrage is just that a contract. If I sign a contract for my services of employment then if I break the terms of that contract there will be consequences. If I want out of that contract then I have to make my employers aware and we can come to a mutual agreement for both parties.

Husband and Wife is a similar thing to me, we could live like law of the jungle and just do exactly our own thing, but I think the long term effects of acting that way would lead to people distrusting that individual, which would then in turn make it harder for that person to get on in life.

I could cheat on my wife, but then can the person I'm cheating with ever really trust me as I have already shown I'm untrust worthy, if I do it again because it makes me feel good, that reputation would sprea through my social circle and less and less people would be trusting of me.

Trust is part of building social structures and part of social acceptance is part of having happiness and security. In the end we are just animals and open to animal insticts, but as social animals we don't always act on every instinct, as it could jepordise our social networks.

I think the point I am making in a very round about way is you have to balance everything and make a choice. With all things there is no certainty. You could leave and find it's the best thing for you, you could stay and find the next 10 years to be the best / worst ever. You could bury it all deep down and have regrets for the rest of your life. You could leave, meet the online relationship and find in reality 24/7 the person to be a total ass and actually you wish you could take it all back, but it;s too late.

You can only make the choice the consequences are dependant upon everyone else.

(I think that made sense somewhere)

 

[velvet_crush]

Am curious to hear what the OP is thinking...

 

[PistolDPete]

.....

 

[njlauren]

On the other forum she presented it that she was having an innocent conversation with the other guy online, she showed it to her hubby and he was okay with it, but the other spouse/wife was upset but they are just friends..until people realized that this thread told the real story, that she was having an online affair with the other guy. In both cases, people told her to stop the online thing and work on her marriage, or get out of it and make it real.

I agree the other guy won't leave his wife, he is too chicken. I think if Blue Nightengales marriage is bad, then she either has to work on it with her husband, prob through counseling, or get out of it to find what she wants. In either case, I wouldn't waste time with her online romeo, because all he wants is to do the onlne thing and that is it.

 

[MzzDazy]

I read the other post when it was first posted, and now this one... I'm at a loss... 2 totally different versions here.... so my only advice is to be HONEST, with your Husband, yourself, and about the whole situation, what ever it may be.. 'friends'.. 'affair'...

You have to make a decision... Put the effort forth to save your Marriage, or walk away from it.

 

[KierstH12]

......................

 

[duckandbunny79]

But then again she is not a fly by night poster over 700 posts. In a way even if she has put a sheen on it to get a better response, we don't know her from anyone else so she can still come back and say what she feels.

 

[Azalea]

Sometimes you just decide to "settle." Sometimes there are perfectly valid reasons for sexual partners to go through a dry spell.....physical ailments, for one.
You sometimes have to decide which has priority.....sexual titillation or a longterm covenant.
And, there is always hope that the situation will change, that things can get better.
I know from experience that "emotional" affairs hurt marriages, even when the other party doesn't know about them. They create distance, and add to dissatisfaction.

 

[caturautica]

And, there is always hope that the situation will change, that things can get better.
I know from experience that "emotional" affairs hurt marriages, even when the other party doesn't know about them. They create distance, and add to dissatisfaction.[/QUOTE]

Emotional affairs of the heart over the internet via a porn site, hurt all parties involved. A married person should put their spouse first , no matter what is happening in their life at the moment. Till death due us part.....you have an obligation to your spouse not to someone you met at a porn site. Listen to the message. His wife is upset, seems she has been hurt not only by your involvement but possibly by his past history. Do you think you are his first affair when you are on a porn site! Get out before you sink into a deeper depression, which you sound like you are in. Plus do you involve your husband in your shared fantasy? If she really was involved in all your chat and porn activities do you think she would be o.k. with it? Please go and get professional help with YOUR husband and leave the poor man and his life/wife alone.

 

[Netzach]

Part of me agrees part of me is "are you people for real?"

People do cyber/phone sex/look at porn who are married usually in order to keep FROM doing more outside the marriage.

This "you might as well be fucking him if you're talking about it" is so Christian and weird a morality to me. On my personal planet, talking and thinking do not equal doinking. It's all very "I have lusted in my heart."

Yeah, don't let your spouse feel neglected, talk to them, fix the marital problems etc. AND in the real world we live in, maybe dare to address some of your needs on your time. Whatever.

Women are more inclined (not always but often) to get emotionally involved with everyone who gives them an orgasm, but in truth I don't see anything here that isn't equivalent to guys who jack off to am pics and leave complimentary messages.

As I see it this person is NOT responsible for the hurt feeewings of his wife - he is and she is. Completely sexist whore-shaming bullshit that she should "think of his wife." Let him do it.

This person is responsible for her marriage, in which the message is pretty clear that her sexuality is of little importance. If everything-but-the-sex is hunky dory, then that's a quandary, if not, I can't imagine why anyone would hesitate to look elsewhere and/or move on - BUT it's not ME, guess what!

Everyone here seems to think that gross sexual incompatibility can be "worked through" - that's downright delusional.

I know one thing. If this person didn't have a female av, these responses would be SO much less "let's gleefully call out the slut".

 

[marieR19]

Netzach-

I, for one, would be even *more* willing to call out a man on this kind of crap.

Yes, people often look at porn in order to *not* mess with their marriage. But the simple fact of the matter is, it often messes with marriages anyways.

The OP says, of this other guy, "We spend time together talking, writing, and occasionally sharing fantasies about things neither of our spouses want to know about."
If she is *sharing fantasies* with him, I think that's something significantly different then just having a friend.

The truth is, a LOT of people in relationships would NOT stand for this kind of thing. Going behind their back to constantly talk to someone and deliberately hide it, while talking to this person about fantasies... Yeah, that's not usually going to go over very well when "hubby" accidentally finds out that she's been lying to him, keeping secrets.

And that's what this is really about. She said nothing whatsoever about "hubby" knowing about this other "someone", and the way she phrased her posts leads me to believe that "hubby" is in the dark. Keeping secrets, no matter what they are, normally strains a marriage.

I don't think many of us would be jumping on her if she was open and honest with her hubby about what's going on.