It's My First Time

[cheesy80s]

For a story that is.
I finally have one posted, and would love some feedback from other literotica writers. And I'm not necessarily seeking nice comments; I mean without criticism, I'm never going to grow as a writer. So the good and the bad are welcome.


The story is under both new and mature stories posts.

"Gannis Falls Boy Toy"
by cheesy80s

Let me know, and I'd be much beholden to ya.

 

[cheesy80s]

bump

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[cheesy80s]

bump

bittie bump

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

I'd be glad to give you feedback but you'll first have to put up a link. I can't find any stories under your name.

Wicked

Ahhh I found it, maybe there was a glitch in lit when I looked the first time.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Gannis Falls Boy Toy


Congrats on your first story.
I started to read through it looking for typos and errors and was drawn into the story itself and forgot about what I was looking for. Very nice job. I liked your descriptions and the plot flowed well. I liked your story very much, I hope to read more from you.

Wicked

 

[Rainbow Skin]

This is very good. Your language is confident, your setting is natural, and the flow works as it should. As I read through it I couldn't see any quirks or bad habits to comment on. Since you ask, I can mention a few unimportant details that need polishing; but this is just quibbling. I ignore mere typos and suchlike:

'Everybody has their first times.' -- their first time. Each person has only one. The 'their' is singular, like 'has'; you don't turn everything into plural just because you're using 'they'.

'and a small curtain that most of the hoity-toity customers in my town refused to be seen' -- to be seen behind (or in or some such).

'xxx movies' -- XXX movies

'Nothing could probably be further from the truth.' -- Omit 'probably'. This is a stock phrase, and the exaggeration in saying 'nothing could be further' shouldn't be qualified by trying to make it a literal truth.

'At nearly 6-feet tall' -- six feet tall. Also generally, write numbers and times out: five hundred kids, ten o'clock at night. This is how they appear in printed books, not with numerals.

'serve another purpose for she and Manny.' -- for her and Manny. Usually the mistake in case is made where the inflected pronoun is separated from its preposition: 'for Manny and her' is often written as 'for Manny and she', by confusion with 'Manny and she did such-and-such'.

'phallus objects' -- phallic objects, or phalli or phalluses

'about as sexually volatile as dynamite' -- Dynamite isn't sexually volatile. Try 'sexually, about as volatile as dynamite' or some such.

'I thought there was no way, a married lady, a customer, especially with someone who just recently gained any sort of muscle and girth.' -- Something missing here. A lot of your sentences are clipped and conversational, missing a bit of grammar but in a natural, colloquial way, so there's no problem with them; but this one doesn't work colloquially either. There's no obvious missing word that would make it work: you need either 'no way she... would be interested...', or more explicit jerkiness in punctuation: '...there was no way! A married lady...! -- especially with...'

'honey covered voice of hers' -- earlier you say 'her voice like honey pouring down my body in tingly waves', which is a legitimate comparison (but can honey tingle); but in that case it's you covered by honey, not her voice. Her voice can be honeyed, but not, I think, honey(-)covered.

'so indelibly etched into the concrete slab of memory' -- quibble, quibble, you don't etch concrete. You can etch things into your memory. You can write things indelibly, or etch things ineffaceably. You can set things into your memory like concrete. That is, you can have one physical metaphor for memory, but here you're mixing three, I think.

'I was a sparkler on the Forth of July' -- Are sparklers stronger, livelier, or more volatile on the Fourth? I think you might mean one of those ones that explodes, as they would be stronger (etc.) then than when used at other times.

'our tongues seeking each other’s pleasure' -- Your tongues can seek each other; or they can give pleasure, or seek to give pleasure, or seek to give each other pleasure. I think seeking each other's pleasure is a mixed phrase: once again, two legitimate metaphors or expressions mixed at cross purposes. You do this several times. They're not quite cliches, but they're indicative of not thinking quite enough. I'll go back a bit in the story and pick up on this:

'Martha was already at the garage door, inviting me in as I walked inside the garage.' -- I'm not quite sure how to visualize this. If she's at the door as he walks through it, they're very close, and she's waited till they're that close together before talking to him. Whereas 'already' sort of implies she was being forward about it, so would start talking while he was still a little distance off. This rang a little false to me, as if you'd just written it without truly visualizing the layout.

So: excellent writing, and the structure is just right; but watch out for the stock phrases that slip in a little too easily, and see if you really mean them, or if they clash.