It's My First Time -- Looking for Feedback

[8scoops]

Being new to erotic literature, I'm very interested in getting feedback from my first attempt. If you like to read "Erotic Couplings" stories, please take a look at mine:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=429649
Any suggestions/criticism would be very much appreciated. Thank you!

 

[_Lynn_]

You begin far too many sentences with 'she'. Mix the wording up to eliminate this issue. The same for using 'she' in those sentences. By about the fifth paragraph, I know nothing more than the character is a 'she', wanting some 'he'.

I counted over forty words in one sentence. Keep them shorter, under thirty. Reading aloud can help with this. Hear how you have to take a breath, or pause, before the end? The result isn't smooth, and you want it to flow for the reader.

Here you make me ask how does she know this, why, and who is the man? Instead of discovering anything in the following paragraphs, I read only about her playing with her own body.

She knew that it would take a daring feat indeed to win the attention of this man.


Pretty much all of what I read is narrative; you're just telling a story. Let us see what's happening. Imagine the scenes and describe the scents, colors, taste, feel, etc.

I gave you something at least.

Just my opinion.

 

[Mac98]

You begin far too many sentences with 'she'. Mix the wording up to eliminate this issue. The same for using 'she' in those sentences. By about the fifth paragraph, I know nothing more than the character is a 'she', wanting some 'he'.

I counted over forty words in one sentence. Keep them shorter, under thirty. Reading aloud can help with this. Hear how you have to take a breath, or pause, before the end? The result isn't smooth, and you want it to flow for the reader.

Here you make me ask how does she know this, why, and who is the man? Instead of discovering anything in the following paragraphs, I read only about her playing with her own body.

She knew that it would take a daring feat indeed to win the attention of this man.


Pretty much all of what I read is narrative; you're just telling a story. Let us see what's happening. Imagine the scenes and describe the scents, colors, taste, feel, etc.

I gave you something at least.

Just my opinion.

Constructive criticism. I liked the story, but like me, you've got to work on things a bit. I suggest you listen to Lynn... she knows a thing or two about writing.

 

[8scoops]

Thank you, MistressLynn for the feedback. I knew some of these things were issues even as I wrote the story, especially the problems I'd have by keeping the characters anonymous. I really appreciate your suggestions, and I'll certainly follow them if I make another attempt. Thanks again for your help!

 

[8scoops]

Mac, thank you too for reading and commenting on the story, I appreciate it so much!