It takes more than a day

[MissTaken]

to find your way into BDSM.

There are ups and downs and perhaps stages we go through.

I don't believe that a person is ready to act on their desires without a significant period of lead time.

During this time, one should be educating themselves in terms of practices, SSC, and a variety of other issues.

So, the question is two fold:

What are some of the significant stages or milestones that you experienced as you entered into BDSM?

How does a novice know when they are ready to move into a real life situation with all the ribbons and icing ?

 

[Grvdigger]

I think the first major step is the discovery itself. One that you are not alone and two, this is what you have been missing.

As for the second part. I was lucky, I had a Mentor that showed Me the way. After time what He did took much trust, on My first alone "scene", He entrusted Me with His slave. He was telling Me that He had the trust in Me, that I knew what I was doing and that helped Me more than anyone could know. It really instilled in Me My sense of knowledge.

 

[MissTaken]

Wow!

You were very fortunate, grvdigger.

I think that it is easier for novice subs to find their way and "learn the ropes" than for novice Doms.

There is a much higher expectation for performance on a Dom. A sub can make a mistake, cry a bit, perhaps take a punishment and then be told it will be better next time.

A Dom who fumbles, well, the sub is mind boggled, thinking all kinds of tricky thoughts like, "This is the guy I am supposed to trust with my safety?"

It is a very difficult thing, finding your desires and then, finding a real time place, time and partner to explore those desires with.

 

[Grvdigger]

I agree. There are a few so called Doms that think simply reading somthing mean that have mastered it. I really feel for thier subs. It takes alot of time and energy and mostly patience to learn things. And the deeper you go the more studing is needed.

Also though the sub needs to read also. Some think it is only the Doms place to know what to do and how. But it is in the best interest of the sub to gain as much knowledge in whatever activity they are going to particapate in.

 

[MissTaken]

Having experience just such a Dom when I first became involved in BDSM, I clearly understand what you are saying.

Also, it is very important that a sub and Dom are clear with regard to their experience and expectations. If two people can become intimate with the understanding that they are learning together, it can work.

However, a Dom or sub who misrepresents their experience can only lead to a bad experience, expectations not being met and disappointment.

I will add as an aside, even the Dom who needed more training that I did was worth knowing. We are a culmination of our experiences and every experience is a chance for growth.

 

[zipman]

Or two...

days. Or weeks or months or years. Becoming a really good Dom/me takes a long time and a lot of effort. A Dom/me needs a great deal of introspection to understand themselves, their feelings, their desires and their fears. At the same time, they must also be able to focus on their submissive, to understand what a sub says, and doesn't say, to foster open and honest communication, not just at the beginning, but throughout the relationship. They must be willing to take responsibility for their subs' safety, and they must be able to obey all limits that have been agreed to.

If this sounds like a tremendous amount of work, that's because it is. Being a good Dom/me is also a tremendous responsibility, and it comes with the title. If a Dom/me is not prepared to take on that kind of responsibility, then they are jumping in too soon.

As a sub, you are putting a lot of trust in another person. Not every Dom/me is going to put in all that hard work. Trust takes time to build, and that goes for both Dom/mes or subs. Patience is critical to feeling comfortable.

Beginning a life of BDSM can be a wonderful journey, full of sexual exploration, creativity and excitement. There's no finish line, so there's also reason to rush towards one. I for one, am enjoying driving in the slow lane, taking the time to enjoy the scenery.

 

[cellis]

In our case, neither Himself or I had a lot of practical experience... a lot of kinky sex just not a lot of BDSM experience. We have grown together, learned together, pushed each others limits. I am a better sub because of Him and He is a better Dom because of me.

The more He pushed my limits the more His limits have grown. He looks at this in a totally different light than he did a year ago. He requires some of the same things from me as then, but more often than not His ideas of what this was about have grown.

I also think that part of this is because of our exposure to others in the local community and seeing their behavior.

 

[Red Menace]

What are some of the significant stages or milestones that you experienced as you entered into BDSM?

How does a novice know when they are ready to move into a real life situation with all the ribbons and icing ?

Oops... I think I missed the direction of that first question... my bad. Good thing it's late and hopefully not too many saw that response.

I really have no idea how anyone knows they're ready to move into a R/L thing. I don't even know how I knew... I just did it and hoped for the best. So far it's working out pretty well.

 

[A Desert Rose]

to find your way into BDSM.

There are ups and downs and perhaps stages we go through.

I don't believe that a person is ready to act on their desires without a significant period of lead time.

During this time, one should be educating themselves in terms of practices, SSC, and a variety of other issues.

So, the question is two fold:

What are some of the significant stages or milestones that you experienced as you entered into BDSM?

How does a novice know when they are ready to move into a real life situation with all the ribbons and icing ?

I have held off posting to this until I had some quiet time to really think this through.

As I know you know, MissT, I was in a LTR for almost 2 years. It was not until about 6 months ago that it also become an LDR, when my sort-of-Dom relocated out of this city and this state.

And it was over when he left here. Or so I thought. But that is another story.... and not part of this topic.

He is a very alpha male Dom, and although we neither knew what we were doing and were mainly doing things in a half-assed fashion, it was He who introduced me to bdsm. It was a slow progression for us both, we didn't jump in with both feet. But he knew what he needed and he knew what I needed to give him.

When the relationship failed and He had moved, I came here searching for answers and ways to prevent making the same mistakes in a future relationship.

Being submissive to someone else is not an easy task and at times I was not submitting for the best reasons. Having a Dom who understands your limits and respects them, was what I was lacking.

In many ways, we are both different people now.

Great thread Miss T. Thank you for it. By the way, I like your new AV... ~smile~

 

[Ebonyfire]

Learning & growing

What are some of the significant stages or milestones that you experienced as you entered into BDSM?

As I have posted before I started as a submissive, online and My Master was online.

the first two weeks were spent reading about the lifestyle and gaining information. That was and is very important.

I have a huge BDSM Library, as well as a whole lot of links to websites on my computers.

My boyfriend at that time was trained by my online Master to be my dominant for a time, but he was not strong enough.

I was ordered to join the local BDSM group, and he would communicate with the Doms there. I began to play with them and learned that:

a) I did not like being a sub
b) I liked playing with other subs as a Top.

Two Dommes in the club took me under their wing and I learned by playing with an uncollared male sub in the group. You could say he was my very first sub.

I found my niche, with male subs and have not looked back since.

I placed an ad in alt.com, and found a switch play partner and we experimented on each other for a while.

I then found my boy glennie who was mine until I moved to the east coast.


How does a novice know when they are ready to move into a real life situation with all the ribbons and icing?

There comes a point where skin-to-skin compells you. After a while, online is just that. You can go no further. Then you must go to real time to see if you really are what you say you are.

Eb

 

[Cirrus]

I went through 2 major stages, the first when I was pretty young...had just entered puberty, maybe I was 11 or 12.

I had always known there was "something" that intrigued me about submissive roles and scenes but it wasn't sexual at the time, at least not that I was aware of. Then, entering puberty, when sexual feelings surfaced they were often attached to those kinds of scenarios.

I though there was something wrong with me, that "no one" liked that kind of thing. When I was 18 I had my first semi-D/s experience with my boyfriend at the time. He wasn't a Dom even then, (story for another time), but even though the experience was pretty much a bad one, I did enjoy parts of it....I enjoyed the "idea" of what happened.

That was the end of what I consider my Denial stage...the thinking that no, I cannot possibly be like those "sick" people.

Then I entered Experimentation. At first I though I was a switch, but in playing light games with subsequent boyfriends, I found out being a Top did nothing for me.

It was through those formative relationships that I knew I was ready for skin-to-skin "full fledged" BDSM with my ex-Dom. I knew what I was, what I wanted, what I wanted to try and felt deeply enough about him and trusted him enough to suggest it.

Generally, when someone is ready will vary depending on what experiences they have...that's my take on it.

 

[Hecate]

I couldn't even place any "milestones" on my way into BDSM if I wanted, it is just something that seemed to happen ... and there is only one thing I want to point out that I think has remained a little "understated", at least that is how it was for me...

Opportunities!

When am I ready to go real time BDSM?
When the opportunity presents itself and I don't run.

I never had any "mentor", any training or any other even remotely formal "education" in that respect. Nobody introduced me to any groups or such, but at some stage an opportunity presented itself and I took it. I assume most today would scream terrified "OH MY! she can't have possibly known what she was doing!" and hell, looking back today I probably didn't *chuckles softly about that occasion in retrospect* but hey, I guess had I not felt "ready" I wouldn't have gone for it ...

It definitely was an experience FAR from my nowadays style and demands, I have to laugh reminiscing about me "playing Domme" today myself, but I am very much convinced had I not taken that chance back then, I might still be pondering about "being ready" ... what a waste of time that would have been!

There is just so much you can think - learn - read - talk through, and I definitely do think the more you know the better are your chances you are making an informed decision that then will turn out into something wonderful, one of those mystical, magical "first time" experiences.

But fact remains that if it is "for you" eventually you will want to, need to try , hands-on, first-hand ... and even though to our own high standards we may never be "ready", we need to jump that cliff and find out, else we may end up being the most well read and educated, but without "life" to go with all the words.

I thus want to encourage specially those among us who are only wetting their toes and starting to see if this is for "you": If you get a chance to "play" real life, and you are not cringing inwardly at the thought and situation, go for it! Don't expect heavenly pleasures, but overcome the obstacle of keeping your desires a theoretical exercise. At least you will know afterwards if you are chasing a dream or if it is the reality you seek!

to quote Ebonyfire as a summary of my drivel above:
There comes a point where skin-to-skin compells you. After a while, online is just that. You can go no further. Then you must go to real time to see if you really are what you say you are.

 

[Mr. Bootie]

Re: Learning & growing

What are some of the significant stages or milestones that you experienced as you entered into BDSM?

As I have posted before I started as a submissive, online and My Master was online.

the first two weeks were spent reading about the lifestyle and gaining information. That was and is very important.

I have a huge BDSM Library, as well as a whole lot of links to websites on my computers.

My boyfriend at that time was trained by my online Master to be my dominant for a time, but he was not strong enough.

I was ordered to join the local BDSM group, and he would communicate with the Doms there. I began to play with them and learned that:

a) I did not like being a sub
b) I liked playing with other subs as a Top.

Two Dommes in the club took me under their wing and I learned by playing with an uncollared male sub in the group. You could say he was my very first sub.

I found my niche, with male subs and have not looked back since.

I placed an ad in alt.com, and found a switch play partner and we experimented on each other for a while.

I then found my boy glennie who was mine until I moved to the east coast.


How does a novice know when they are ready to move into a real life situation with all the ribbons and icing?

There comes a point where skin-to-skin compells you. After a while, online is just that. You can go no further. Then you must go to real time to see if you really are what you say you are.

Eb

I'm at that point Ebony. Do I relate to you or what? I've been reading and studying for awhile now, and I am ready to see whether I am what I thought I am. It's becoming clear that real time, and real play is what I need, and I am taking steps in that direction. So much to learn and do. I'm taking my time, and nibbling on the cheese, not trying to eat the whole pieace.


kgboot
aka "Mr. Bootie"

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Learning & growing

I'm at that point Ebony. Do I relate to you or what? I've been reading and studying for awhile now, and I am ready to see whether I am what I thought I am. It's becoming clear that real time, and real play is what I need, and I am taking steps in that direction. So much to learn and do. I'm taking my time, and nibbling on the cheese, not trying to eat the whole pieace.


kgboot
aka "Mr. Bootie"

Skin-to-skin is incredible!

Eb

 

[bored1]

I have been reading the threads here for the past couple of weeks, Iam learning a little more everyday. I will continue to read, and at some point hope to join in on the discussions.

 

[WriterDom]

I blame Anne Rice. I was reading all her books and finally picked up the beauty series. The books get really wild, but the first few chapters where it’s just the Prince and Beauty really struck a cord inside me. It wasn’t too long after that I found a spanking partner. Color me naive, but it was another six months before I learned there was such a thing as BDSM. This was over 5 years ago. Perhaps in these times it has had a little more exposure.

Back then, AOL had an erotic story board and began writing bdsm stories. It seems strange now, but I was about the only person, much less male, who was doing bdsm stories. There is a Lit member who converted to submissive, and credits my stories from those days. She was only 14 at the time. That’s a little scary to think about.

For a while, I was seeing submissives, and at the same time, seeing women who were very nilla. I wasn’t a very good person. Words can be very seductive. There isn’t money in poetry, but there is a lot of ass to be had. It’s one thing to have a fuck buddy, but another entirely to fuck someone who you know wants more.

Then I met Chelley. I dated her for 2 years, and was faithful until she ripped my heart out of my chest, and stomped on it, poured gasoline and lit it afire, then ran over it with a Mack truck. Karma is a bitch, but I did change my ways.

I think a lot of my growth as a Dom has occurred in the 2 years since Chelley. I thought that zipman’s quote pretty much nailed it

“A Dom/me needs a great deal of introspection to understand themselves, their feelings, their desires and their fears.”

And I agree that it takes time to become a good Dom. A turning point came for me when I was willing to admit to myself how much I didn’t know.

But I agree with Hecate that jumping right into it is probably the path that most of us took. I’m just glad I don’t have to put my trust in a “shake & bake” Dom/me. But they have to start somewhere, and usually it’s with a submissive who has no experience either to speak of.

 

[Desdemona]

Originally posted by WriterDom I blame Anne Rice. I was reading all her books and finally picked up the beauty series. The books get really wild, but the first few chapters where it’s just the Prince and Beauty really struck a cord inside me.[


Well, as an adult, I would have to say that Anne Rice got me going too. I started out with Exit to Eden and then read the beauty books about 7 or 8 years ago. I was stunned that I would find such things erotic. I immediately tried to forget about it, but my fantasies became increasingly centered on bondage, spanking and giving up control to another.

As I began to accept my desires, I read everything I could easily find about BDSM. I continued to fantasize and eventually made contact with a couple of men who claimed to be Doms. I was so terrified (of my own powerful internal response) after talking to the first one, that I cut off all contact and I went to therapy in an attempt to get over this desire. Obviously, it didn't work. LOL.

I tried to meet these needs within my vanilla marriage, but was told I was perverse. Actually, this was just the tip of the iceberg and for a variety of reasons, I decided to leave the marriage. Another very long story.

I then went through a phase of experimentation. As Eb said, I was compelled to have skin to skin experiences. I had one truly serious D/s relationship that left me with a broken heart which is still not healed.

At this point, I am wary of romance. I have a couple of trusted play partners and am slowly trying new things as the opportunity arises.

 

[Ricckk]

Re: Or two...

days. Or weeks or months or years. Becoming a really good Dom/me takes a long time and a lot of effort. A Dom/me needs a great deal of introspection to understand themselves, their feelings, their desires and their fears. At the same time, they must also be able to focus on their submissive, to understand what a sub says, and doesn't say, to foster open and honest communication, not just at the beginning, but throughout the relationship. They must be willing to take responsibility for their subs' safety, and they must be able to obey all limits that have been agreed to.

If this sounds like a tremendous amount of work, that's because it is. Being a good Dom/me is also a tremendous responsibility, and it comes with the title. If a Dom/me is not prepared to take on that kind of responsibility, then they are jumping in too soon.

As a sub, you are putting a lot of trust in another person. Not every Dom/me is going to put in all that hard work. Trust takes time to build, and that goes for both Dom/mes or subs. Patience is critical to feeling comfortable.

Beginning a life of BDSM can be a wonderful journey, full of sexual exploration, creativity and excitement. There's no finish line, so there's also reason to rush towards one. I for one, am enjoying driving in the slow lane, taking the time to enjoy the scenery.

Zipman, once again I agree with you 100%; it could not have been put any better.

I often say, and am often raked over the coals for it, but I feel that it is the dominant that needs most of the "training".

 

[Michael42]

re

Couldn't agree more des. It (acceptance of kink) really is an inside job. For me, it required that I take some calculated risks and forget about trying to explain, analyze, rationalize or justify to lovers whowere not able to grasp it.

Our fears are like dragons
Guarding our most precious treasures---Ranier Maria Rilke

 

[Desdemona]

Re: re

Couldn't agree more des. It (acceptance of kink) really is an inside job. For me, it required that I take some calculated risks and forget about trying to explain, analyze, rationalize or justify to lovers whowere not able to grasp it.

Calculated risks have been a huge part of my journey Michael. I know where you're coming from.

 

[TantaLiza]

I guess I'd have to say that my first emotional reaction was to the movie "9 1/2 Weeks"....the whole thing turned me on very much. That was back when I was in high school...I commented on it to several of my friends and they just told me that I was weird, a freak...I tried to forget it, leave it behind and go on...then I saw the movie "Wild Orchid"...Mickey Rourke was almost more than I could imagine, much less what was expounded on in the stories! The part that made me deny myself further...saw the second one with my mother...my bad! She was appalled by it and I sat there wet in my theater seat!! Until a couple years ago when I read the Beauty Series, I kept it hidden deep in my soul...

Since then, I've accepted that this lifestyle was what I've been missing...or at least the side of the submissive...I'm not that much into the pain part but do like the direction of a Dom. I feel the need to please....even when it's not something I particularly wanna do... hard for me to explain, much less understand sometimes...

Now that I've gotten a small taste of pleasure, I want more... although I'm learning patience along with D/s, the education will be worth it when I find the right One....Until then, I'll be okay, now that I've identified my craving...