It has occurred to me that I may not be a natural Dominant

[Marquis]

Both on this forum and in most of the BDSM literature I've read there is much mention of "natural Dominants".

I always assumed I must be one of these, if not the best of these, because...

because...

well I guess I just liked the idea.

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I enjoy the benefits of Dominance without really caring for the work. I am always looking for shortcuts and easy ways out. Not only that, but I am constantly struggling to maintain dominance in my relationships, rather than it being the natural state.

Objectively, it is time to accept that I am, in fact, the self-nurtured Dominant.

How many of us feel this way about our orientations?

Maybe we choose it more than we care to admit. I've been wearing dominance on my sleeve for so long that I can't even remember if I have it in my heart. I know that this will always be a desire of mine, and will still be a life long journey, but I think realizing this will be a big step in the right direction.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I am constantly struggling to maintain dominance in my relationships, rather than it being the natural state.

Maybe you are struggling to maintain something that would just be there naturally if you didnt struggle?

 

[Marquis]

Maybe you are struggling to maintain something that would just be there naturally if you didnt struggle?

A Zen thing, eh?

 

[Kajira Callista]

A Zen thing, eh?

lol *nods*

 

[Marquis]

I think this is my whole point though. Dominance is hard work and I just don't like hard work.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I think this is my whole point though. Dominance is hard work and I just don't like hard work.

it is only hard work if you make it hard work.

 

[Marquis]

Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

[Kajira Callista]

Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm

i knew you would understand

 

[LadyAria]

Both on this forum and in most of the BDSM literature I've read there is much mention of "natural Dominants".

I always assumed I must be one of these, if not the best of these, because...

because...

well I guess I just liked the idea.

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I enjoy the benefits of Dominance without really caring for the work. I am always looking for shortcuts and easy ways out. Not only that, but I am constantly struggling to maintain dominance in my relationships, rather than it being the natural state.

Objectively, it is time to accept that I am, in fact, the self-nurtured Dominant.

How many of us feel this way about our orientations?

Maybe we choose it more than we care to admit. I've been wearing dominance on my sleeve for so long that I can't even remember if I have it in my heart. I know that this will always be a desire of mine, and will still be a life long journey, but I think realizing this will be a big step in the right direction.

I've never really thought about this. I guess I'd say I'm a sadomasochist first and foremost. That is is part of my nature. Sex without some type of pain exchange is like having someone read the dictionary to me. The Dominant role is secondary and was something that developed over time as a means to an end. It is satisfying, but something I have to work at everyday to honor the commitment I made to my alpha four years ago.

Though, thinking about natural Domiant, I don't believe being a natural doesn't mean you don't have to work at it. Even professional athletes have to practice.

 

[NemoAlia]

Natural Dominant

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.



I would guess that "natural dominant" means not that a person has Supreme Dominance come easily to him/her, but (in the minds of the people who use the term) that a person tends to be a leader in all aspects of their life -- even outside the BDSM arena.

 

[Marquis]

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.



I would guess that "natural dominant" means not that a person has Supreme Dominance come easily to him/her, but (in the minds of the people who use the term) that a person tends to be a leader in all aspects of their life -- even outside the BDSM arena.

I tend to be the center of attention, does that count?

 

[*curious*]

In my opinion, being the Dominant one *is* a lot of work, even if it isn't "work".

Until I began partaking of things from the Top side of the coin, I really truly had no idea how much energy went into the very pleasurable act of earning another's submission. I don't mind... I rather enjoy it... but there is no way in hell I'd want to be in a relationship where I was Domme and my partner was submissive (or vice versa), with no sweet blurry little grey areas. I'd burn out in a heartbeat.

 

[Netzach]

Dude, is it you, or is it the way other people are framing it for you?

If you fail the extensive online personality indicators that other people have set up for who gets in that club, do you think you're disqualified?

I've never met a woman who passes those tests completely. Either one of two answers is possible.

1. there is no such thing as a female Dominant. Normally the people defining the role insist they don't believe this, but it's patent that they do or would like to. Like psych testing, "normal" is a middle age middle class white male. It's convenient when you define a role that reflects your personality and experience as a natural paradigm.

2. there are female Dominants, and naturally born ones, as well as tons of other kinds from alpha male nurturing type A must be in control dawn to dusk Daddy.

this doesn't account for 3 - who cares?

Natural or synthetic, we are the way we are, early kidhood programming is just as impossible to refuse as blue eyes. Who really cares if gay is genetic or Dominant or whatever - the argument distracts from a person's fundamental right to be a certain way and be left alone.

All I know is that I'm not happy if I'm not on top in relation to my partners and nobody's happy if it's not clear that my desires ultimately prevail when immediate wants are at odds. I'm willing to bend over backwards for my partners' *needs* but superficial and momentary things, like "what are we doing tonight" or "how are we going to get (me) off tonight?" are my province.

And yeah, sometimes even just that shit is hard work. And often I do "sleep in" in that regard. Luckily my partners submissive needs extend to feeling controlled and overruled periodically to reinforce what's what and not daily minute to minute, with every breath or else things will be too scary to contemplate.

Both on this forum and in most of the BDSM literature I've read there is much mention of "natural Dominants".

I always assumed I must be one of these, if not the best of these, because...

because...

well I guess I just liked the idea.

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I enjoy the benefits of Dominance without really caring for the work. I am always looking for shortcuts and easy ways out. Not only that, but I am constantly struggling to maintain dominance in my relationships, rather than it being the natural state.

Objectively, it is time to accept that I am, in fact, the self-nurtured Dominant.

How many of us feel this way about our orientations?

Maybe we choose it more than we care to admit. I've been wearing dominance on my sleeve for so long that I can't even remember if I have it in my heart. I know that this will always be a desire of mine, and will still be a life long journey, but I think realizing this will be a big step in the right direction.

 

[MechaBlade]

Both on this forum and in most of the BDSM literature I've read there is much mention of "natural Dominants".

I always assumed I must be one of these, if not the best of these, because...

because...

well I guess I just liked the idea.

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I enjoy the benefits of Dominance without really caring for the work. I am always looking for shortcuts and easy ways out. Not only that, but I am constantly struggling to maintain dominance in my relationships, rather than it being the natural state.

Objectively, it is time to accept that I am, in fact, the self-nurtured Dominant.

How many of us feel this way about our orientations?

Maybe we choose it more than we care to admit. I've been wearing dominance on my sleeve for so long that I can't even remember if I have it in my heart. I know that this will always be a desire of mine, and will still be a life long journey, but I think realizing this will be a big step in the right direction.

Dude, have you been reading to many GBers posts on your "why do you think you're not into bdsm" thread?

D/s is not a black-white issue. It's shades of grey. Sure, there are some guys that can only get off when they're beating the shit out of a woman, but then there are guys like me, who just like humiliating and hurting them enough to make it into a lifestyle. I once had the opportunity to micro-manage a sub, but it's not really my style.

This is exactly what vanillaers don't like about bdsm, they think you have to follow certain protocol. You don't (basically). Every one has some dom aspects and some sub aspects and some neither aspects to their sexuality. What counts is that you're mostly dom. At least, it seems that way.

I not only choose to be dom, but I actively work at it, every day, by myself.

Get outta here with that "natural dom" shit.

 

[John Doe]

You think you may not be a naturally dominant because you're lazy? Lots of people are lazy and it doesn't necessarily have any bearing on the rest of thier personality.

Anyway, relationships of any kind, if they are going to last and be mutually beneficial, take work.

 

[MechaBlade]

You think you may not be a naturally dominant because you're lazy? Lots of people are lazy and it doesn't necessarily have any bearing on the rest of thier personality.

Anyway, relationships of any kind, if they are going to last and be mutually beneficial, take work.

Sometimes I think that being a sub would be really easy. Very few decisions to make.

 

[Netzach]

Letting someone else make them for me is completely out of the question, I don't know how people can stand that crap even if you don't have to pick things.

Hell *I'd* bitchslap *me.*

 

[Kajira Callista]

Sometimes I think that being a sub would be really easy. Very few decisions to make.

lol its early and before the coffee but i will be back with something to say about this post.

 

[Recidiva]

I can understand what you're saying, Marquis.

Being dominant often comes from an internal drive to alter things to suit your own imagination.

But occasionally you can feel that what you're doing is essentially putting things in cages, which can be tiring and so much less interesting than seeing things in their natural state.

So some people are natural ringmasters and zookeepers, calling the shots and loving every moment of direction.

Some people get tired of this and want to sit in the audience or just go sit on a park bench and observe for a little bit. Soak something in instead of wringing it out.

Sometimes it's not something you "are" but it indicates that you need a change of pace or thought, and you'll go naturally to the next step of development if you just give it a chance.

Above all, don't force a thing, and do what's internally the right thing to do, never do anything to keep up an image, because a transition to the next phase might be not what you expected, but a lot more fulfilling than where you are now.

 

[Mr. Mann]

Dom Master: "What is the sound of one hand spanking?"

Couldn't resist.

Here's a more appropriate Zen story, as best as I can recall it:

One day, the Master announced to the students that one among them had achieved Enlightenment.

All of the students were very happy, excited and hopeful that one among them had succeded in reaching a goal that they all worked towards. One of them jumped up and asked the Enlightened student, "How do you feel now?"

His response, "The same as always."

Nature versus nurture is not an "either or debate", despite our attempts to make it so. The fact is, as already noted, we are influenced by BOTH nature and nurture.

As also already noted, we change. Like the old Zen saying, "You can't step into the same river twice." This is because the water flows and changes with each moment. The soil moves and erodes. The rocks wear down and shift. The trees along the bank send theri roots. No matter how fast you are, you cannot step into the same river twice.

I've been dealing with similar issues lately, Marquis, although I am brand spanking new to this. (pun intended )

I launched off into this stuff connecting the dots to drives, desires and fantasies that go way back in my past. But, like many others it seems, I also carry the lazy man's burden and am always looking for easier ways to do things. When getting all "Domly" seems like "It's just too much work.".... especially with a willful and resisting Sub... sometimes I feel a failure for just giving in and think that I might not be as driven to do this as I thought.

Someone mentioned above that we are each different. Some folks are more driven than others and have certain features as a requirement. For others, their needs are less pressing and frequent. For yet others, it is less a drive or need, and more of a desire.

Shades of grey? Yes.

More Zen: "Each flower is different from all the rest, yet each is perfect."

Thanks for your post, Marquis. It really helps a new and somewhat discouraged Dom like myself see that the issues I've been dealing with are not uncommon even among those with more experience.

 

[shy slave]

lol its early and before the coffee but i will be back with something to say about this post.

KC when i read mechablades comment i laughed instead of throwing things at the screen.

I am not in the right frame of mind to answer his comment, but i look forward to reading what you have to say and may chip in with a point or two afterwards, but you do the hard work and if I think I can add to it I will do tiny extras; otherwise I will sit back and remind myself why i like your concept of submission

 

[Quint]

Sometimes I think that being a sub would be really easy. Very few decisions to make.

Aight, since yall are too busy laughing and throwing stuff to answer, I'll field this from my perspective.

A DAMNED lot of the time, I feel like I'm not a "natural" submissive because it's too much work to sit pretty and shut ma' mouf when I'd rather be doing what I want. The natural state of being is self-preservation; submission is the state of prioritizing somebody else's self. It's like being a girl scout all day.

I mean, dominants get what they want. A submissive's job is to give it to them. Looking at it from that perspective, who has it easy?

It's work on both ends.

 

[bridgeburner]

Both on this forum and in most of the BDSM literature I've read there is much mention of "natural Dominants".

I always assumed I must be one of these....

...Objectively, it is time to accept that I am, in fact, the self-nurtured Dominant.

I'm not sure how you're defining the difference between a Natural and a Self-Nurtured Dominant.

And is it that you don't want to work or is it that you feel a Natural Dominant somehow just magically inspires submission in all those around him so the need for any work must mean you're not one?

I've encountered plenty of naturally dominant people --- or alpha personalities, if you will --- and while lots of people flock to their orbits and are eager to please them, not everyone instantly lays at the foot of such a being to offer up obeisance. I mean, that's sort of a silly expectation, isn't it?

And what would happen if you put a bunch of them in a room together? Spontaneous combustion? Or would they all quiver and thrum equidistant from one another like so many positively charged mangnets?

Think of Natural Dominants like Natural Blondes. There are lots of different kinds of natural blondes from ash and dishwater to golden and even that near-platinum that's so incredibly rare for an adult to have. Most of the natural blondes that I know aren't above getting a little boost from the stylist. Does that make them any less naturally blonde just because they brighten the ash to honey?

Unlike the cachet of being a Natural Blonde, what really is the significance of being a Natural Dominant? So much is dependent upon the person or people one wishes to dominate. Some require more dominance than others and some will turn ass-up for anyone that strikes the right pose.

If you get the results you want and have a good time, that's what counts. I'm guessing that you're bothered because you're currently working harder than you want to maintain your level of enjoyment. That's well worth addressing, but I don't think it reflects on the validity of your identity as a Dominant.

I really don't think you need have any worries on that front. Ultimately, who cares if you were born or made unless we're just sitting around with the Claret knitting navel-lint cravats, you know? Even if you were made, who made you? You did. So who's the boss of you? You are.


-B

 

[RJMasters]

Ditto what some others have said.

Just sounds to me like a cpl of sterotypical embolisms got sucked up the psyche vaccum.

Turn off the power, flip the SOB upside down and clear it. you will find you get much better suction that way with a lot less effort.

There are alot of things you have to work at in this life, being yourself shouldn't be one of them. Somewhere between the confidence in yourself and the indifference of what others think lies the balance which makes you comfortable.

 

[blue kat]

Marquis, you have some seriously unusual eyes... Maybe it's where my monitor's set but they look cat green from where I'm sittin'.

I came at my Dominance from a masochistic angle. Yup, I thought I was a non-submissive masochist. Kinda like, "whip me, beat me, make me cry, but DON'T fuckin' tell me what to do!" I realized that I prefer to be in control, and that as much fun as it is to receive pain, it's loads better to give it. But it's a lot of work, and I don't always feel like doing it. Especially the past year or so. I inherited a run-down dairy farm in the middle of nowhere in my final year of college. I'm trying to save the farm and still graduate on time, and I have a sub girl-friend and occasionally beat one of my male friends. As much as I hate it, some days, I don't want to be the leader. I still want to be the Domme, but I don't want to be in charge. So I don't. I delegate. I have certain expectations of behavior and having instructed Amber how to behave, she does it. She knows that if she takes advantage of my lazy days, all hell WILL break loose when I get back in the swing of things. Having down times when you feel like Dom-ing someone is too much like work is normal and it happens. There are PYL's who talk a good story and walk the walk and talk the talk, but sit down and talk to one, one on one someday, and they'll tell you the same thing. Or at least, an honest one who's not too insecure to admit it will. Some people are too caught up in the image and trying to live up to the "real Dominant" or "true Dominant" or "Natural Dominant" mystique. Don't let them bother you, tell your girl to behave and enjoy your downtime. You can be a bad ass later.