it finally happened...

[myinnerslut]

it finally happened. A had me top him. it felt so WRONG to me... the whole time i just wanted to crawl to him and ask for forgivness for what i was doing. afterwards, i went into the worst sub drop i have ever been in. i curled up at his feet and just sat there shaking.

has anybody else ever had to perform as a top/bottom when they werent? how did you react to it?

 

[subtleone]

it finally happened. A had me top him. it felt so WRONG to me... the whole time i just wanted to crawl to him and ask for forgivness for what i was doing. afterwards, i went into the worst sub drop i have ever been in. i curled up at his feet and just sat there shaking.

has anybody else ever had to perform as a top/bottom when they werent? how did you react to it?

Sorry mis no advice of no use to you; but I felt you needed a hug I have attempted to top in the past and it was just embarrassing, so much so he overpowerd me and took over again Some of us are just not built for Domination!

 

[myinnerslut]

Sorry mis no advice of no use to you; but I felt you needed a hug I have attempted to top in the past and it was just embarrassing, so much so he overpowerd me and took over again Some of us are just not built for Domination!

thanks.. i managed to make it though but it was obvious he could have flipped things the minute he wanted to

 

[neonflux]

To the depths of my soul, I relate...

it finally happened. A had me top him. it felt so WRONG to me... the whole time i just wanted to crawl to him and ask for forgivness for what i was doing. afterwards, i went into the worst sub drop i have ever been in. i curled up at his feet and just sat there shaking.

has anybody else ever had to perform as a top/bottom when they werent? how did you react to it?

OH MIS!!! I am here for you right now. I know what it can do to go against your nature, which is what it sounds so clearly like you did.

Bottoming for me is primarily a physical thing - I am learning that I am pretty much Dominant when it comes to the psychological aspects. I obey when I bottom, but that's different from submitting. The one time I truly, completely submitted to ~M (my former play partner) - it was a gift for him at the end of a men's intensive he'd taken. I wanted to give him that because I knew what a struggle he was having accepting his sadism. The scene itself was very magical - that intense kind of power exchange always is for me. But two days later, I started shaking and just couldn't stop. I ended up having to call in sick for the next two days, I was so dysfunctional.

I know that it wasn't the endorphin thing - the most extreme endorphin high I've ever had was after my cleansing when I had bruises and cuts/welts that lasted for over a month. I didn't really have subdrop after that, although you might think that I should have. But after I truly submitted for ~M, I felt like my whole being had been rearranged, and twisted around - as though I'd completely lost myself. A mentor later suggested that my submission took me to a place that I "don't inhabit." It took me several days and lots of help from folks here and going over to his apartment every night, to finally "come back to myself."

You will be OK, even though it may take several days. You will be yourself again! One thing you will take away from this once you get better, is a much clearer sense of and appreciation for you who are.

Lots of hugs and blankets and cups of hot tea in the meantime!
Neon

P.S., Feel free to PM me - I am home all day and also on Yahoo IM...

 

[BiBunny]

The first time I Topped B., it felt so awkward and WRONG. Even though we're both switches, I couldn't get past the "he's the Master; I'm the slave" mentality. I also have this real hang-up about touching people first. My last boyfriend was a real asshole and would whine about always having to initiate sex, but when I'd try, he'd flip out and accuse me of using him for sex. Needless to say, I'm a little screwed up over it because I always have this ridiculous fear that someone will reject me, and I still have a very hard time initiating things with anyone.

After that first time, it was a long time before we tried again. I talked to him about my concerns and my initiating sex/play hang-up, and he decided that the next time I Topped him, he would tie himself up and be there waiting for me. It worked out wayyyyyyyy better that way. Seeing him lying there bound and submissive just for me got my Toppy side going, and I didn't have any problems.

Another thing that has helped is doing some of my own thinking. I know that he had plenty of other play partners (some of which were solely Dominants) who were both more technically proficient and more sadistic and dominant than I am. It made me feel very special when he'd ask me to Top him, when I knew he had these other people who probably would've been better at satisfying those needs of his than I would've been. To me, it meant that he cared about me as much more than a play partner.

MIS, since you don't identify as a switch, try not to beat yourself up over it. I am a switch, so once I get in the right headspace, I'm ok with it. Talk to him about it, and maybe next time he asks, think of it as another way you can serve you by giving him what he needs. If you need to talk to someone, my PM box is always open.

 

[Netzach]

People have hit the "fuck no this game is now OVER" button on me while I was bottoming. Yuck. It didn't keep me from bottoming again, but I had to figure out a lot of what bothers me and why.

 

[FurryFury]

I can go there but I'm sorry that you felt so uncomfortable.

The good news is that he asked it of you and you DID it! You may have been uncomfortable. You may have hated it but YOU did it!

*HUGS*

Fury

 

[Etoile]

Actually, I think it's a good idea for all couples to switch once or twice, just so you can learn what the other side is like. A lot of people will say "omg nooooooo I'm a TWOO SUBBIE" or "no way that is against My principles" but IMHO you cannot know exactly what you are doing to/for your partner unless you have been on the other side. Even if you hate the experience, at least you have been there.

Was he asking you to do it because he wanted to be topped? If so, then you might be able to put it in the same frame of mind I do. Providing topping service is just like any other service. If that's what they want me to do, that's what I'll do, even if I am no good at it or find it awkward or difficult or whatever.

 

[His_pita]

I got very upset the first time I topped him because he was so good at bottoming. I became paranoid that he would want to switch for good. Later I find out that he was having the same thoughts about me. Now that we know we don't want to switch roles we can happily "play" at bottoming and topping and have a terrific time letting ourselves explore the other side.

 

[wouldloveto]

I am so glad that I stumbled onto this thread! Thank all of you for helping me understand this situation a bit better.

I am sorta on the other side of this 'scenario', but it has really thrown light on an issue/experience I have had.

Thanks!

 

[Little_Kitten]

Wow.... I hope you'll feel better. I think you should be proud of yourself for going through with it.

If I were to top someone, I'd probly be so lost, that I'd ask THEM what to do :-/
I also have that fear of rejection, or that I'm gonna do something stupid if I top someone.

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

mis, I think I’d have trouble with this too. I don’t have any kind of a sadistic nature and the thought of topping brings me to some sort of mental and/or emotional block. I can’t even try to picture it without feeling an internal withdrawal from the image. If the topping were of a more touching, teasing, caressing to make crazy type I probably could do that, but I don’t know if I could make myself do much beyond it.

Kudos to you for getting through and sorry it caused such a drop.

*hugs*

 

[myinnerslut]

etoile- yes, he wanted me to top him in order to understand what it is i enjoy about subbing knowing that i was doing it becuase he told me to, that i was following orders was what got me through it

pita- i had the same fear. A was surprising good at folling instructions, even responding to something better then i knew i could have myself in the same situation (i wasnt expectiing him to be able to stay still) he assured me that i am his, and that wont change

 

[ecstaticsub]

I have no desire to top a man. My Dom once gave me one chance to use the flogger on him but I couldn't do it. He didn't tell me to do it, just gave me the chance if I wanted to. I can't picture myself ever being able to top him. However, I have frequent fantasies of helping him train another female submissive.