issues??

[boston_bbw]

My slap and tickle type friend of over a year now dosn't want oral nor does he give it. He also claims to not masturbate. He just waited over a year to tell me he has a hard time sleeping when I am touching him when we spoon (my arm on his hip or over his belly nothing major) and at times has just layed there all night awake. I said why didnt you say so I can turn the other way and not touch you or just roll me over...lol He didnt have much of an answer.. I kind of thought he was a tad bit odd but now I am more convinced then ever.

 

[EJFan]

i can kind of identify with this BBW. i'm not one for being touched either.

for me, i can't separate sex and love. if i love someone, then and only then am i comfortable with physical touching of any kind... without being in love i just don't like people touching me unless there's a layer or two of clothes between our skin... and even then i'm not a big fan.

in any event, if i could hypothetically have sex with someone without benig in love with them i would probably have much the same reaction as your FB. i kind of doubt that he has a problem keeping sex and love separated though.

i don't know if that helps at all... but it could be that he would open up to the non-sexual touching if there was emotional love going on.

 

[boston_bbw]

I would like to think your right EJ Fan however if the problem is not being in love then there is other stuff I would think we wouldn't be doing. And he also didnt give or receive oral in his last relationship which was 11 years and an engagement at one point. I didn't think much of it when it was just the oral issue, and even the masturbation I was thinking ok to each his own or he is lying.. but a simple hand on your hip and you can't sleep? Yet he would have no problem with outright fucking... so I think your right he has no problem seperating sex and love.. he knows we arn't in love in fact he is dating a women he is not in love with either..lol He is good at not being in love I guess..although claims he wants to be

 

[EJFan]

I would like to think your right EJ Fan however if the problem is not being in love then there is other stuff I would think we wouldn't be doing.

yeah. i know i didn't answer your question. lol. i just figured i'd share that hoping it would jog a thought.

the only thing i can figure is that he's avoiding the non-sexual touching to keep that side of his emotions in check (isolated).

 

[only_more_so]

My slap and tickle type friend of over a year now dosn't want oral nor does he give it. He also claims to not masturbate. He just waited over a year to tell me he has a hard time sleeping when I am touching him when we spoon (my arm on his hip or over his belly nothing major) and at times has just layed there all night awake. I said why didnt you say so I can turn the other way and not touch you or just roll me over...lol He didnt have much of an answer.. I kind of thought he was a tad bit odd but now I am more convinced then ever.

It is also possible that he has trouble sleeping in general. For me the temperature needs to be just right, and if I am touching someone I can get too warm. I am reluctant to mention this for fear of hurting the person's feelings. This doesn't happen all the time, but it does happen.

As for the oral sex... That's not so strange. There are actually guys out there who don't like having their dick sucked. It took me years before I would let someone go down on me because I thought it was gross, and something she only did because she thought I wanted it. Later I found out that it could be a turnon for her, so I stopped minding so much. As for giving... The taste is rather strong on my tongue, but I'll do it because I know she'll appreciate it.

Anyway, those are my rather odd views on the subject, so maybe it will shine some light on possibilities.

 

[SweetErika]

I agree, it sounds like he has at least a few different issues going on. I might write each of them off seperately, but together they seem to paint a picture of a very odd or problem-ridden person.

Do you think the oral and masturbation aversions are due to his background/upbringing?

I think the sleeping thing is pretty common; it's the not communicating about it/"suffering" in silence for a year aspect that would concern me.

I wonder if at least some of this has to do with guilt. In an intimate relationship, I touch to sustain the connection. If I didn't feel good about what I was doing, I would probably want to limit the connection as much as possible, not touching intimately outside of sexual activity. Sex can be rationalized as purely physical and a need, but that's not the case for cuddling, so perhaps touching (or even just talking about it) would be a reminder of what I felt I was doing wrong and increase my guilt.

 

[pink swirl]

My slap and tickle type friend of over a year now dosn't want oral nor does he give it. He also claims to not masturbate. He just waited over a year to tell me he has a hard time sleeping when I am touching him when we spoon (my arm on his hip or over his belly nothing major) and at times has just layed there all night awake. I said why didnt you say so I can turn the other way and not touch you or just roll me over...lol He didnt have much of an answer.. I kind of thought he was a tad bit odd but now I am more convinced then ever.

He doesn't sound like much fun. Not everyone is that neurotic. Find another friend.

 

[human_male]

Has he just brought all this up all of a sudden? Maybe he's suddenly discontent and wants out. Is he suddenly finding little things about you annoying, or suddenly taking issue with things he didn't before?

 

[human_male]

He doesn't sound like much fun. Not everyone is that neurotic. Find another friend.

Hell yeah. There are plenty of guys who wouldn't mind being spooned and having a big pair of breasts pressed up against their back all night.

That's a nice AV. The sexy secretary... OMG yes!

 

[M's girl]

Is a slap and tickle type friend something like a fuck-buddy? I assume so, but even then.... I guess a fuckbuddy would be someone who would meet my physical needs without the attachment/relationship thing but if I would even consider something like that, then the touching and cuddling would certaintly be part of the deal too. You see, and there lies the problem because I think (and this is purely my take on things) fuckbuddy and real intimacy are two totally different things, so it would never work for me. If I want te get off without the intimacy I can very well just do that myself.

I find it a bit strange that he does not want to take or give oral, and again, this would so be NOT for me! The thing is... I consider oral to be a part of the "normal" sexual relationship but then again I never had one without being lovers and friends and being very intimate with that person too.

I have thought about starting a thread to ask about what is normal. Define normal in reference to sex (and intimacy I guess). Because hang ups people have about sex all start at their definition of what is normal and what is not. How and where do you get those ideas? I mean... I had some sexual education from my parents but most of it (and certainly the details) were never discussed. So how did I set up my set of rules for sex, intimacy and relationships? Why do I think oral sex is just a natural thing? I don't know. Reading about all of the hang ups people have with it (I never would have thought there would be a man who did not like to receive oral) I have concluded it's probably not as normal as I thought it was....

OK, I'm rambling.... just one more thing about the sleeping thing. For as long as I can remember I have had these romantic ideas about sleeping with my loved one. Of course we would fall asleep in each others arms and wake up like that. The truth is that for me to be able to sleep real comfortable I need to not touch anyone. Still, my desire to be intimate overrules that, so most of the time I will fall asleep in M's arms, only to wake up an hour later and turning away because I'm not really comfortable. The funny thing is: M has that desire to be close all night far less but can stand it far better! There have been times that we have fallen asleep with me lying on top of him. I felt guilty afterward and apologized (because I would have wanted out after five minutes already!) but he said he had loved it and thought it was cute and just so intimate... That was one of the sweetest things between us and still is.

What I wanted to say with this is that there CAN be a difference between wanting to be intimate while sleeping and actually being able to do so (as in my case). What Erica said already is so true: it concerns me more that you two don't talk about it. Him saying (for instance) "honey I would love to be able to sleep with you against me but I just can't" sound much better than him saying after a year that he never was able to sleep (I would feel guilty although there is no reason really).

But then we're back at the fuckbuddy & intimacy thing. I would almost also say: "what do you expect from someone who is clearly just there to fuck you and not much else"... I wonder if he cares about if and what you get out of this all... (and I'm afraid I know the answer already...)

 

[hippyfreak]

as for the sleep thing, i'm a very light sleeper and cant do more than doze off for a few minutes at a time while spooning. a hand on the hip or chest isnt really a problem tho. my SO loves to spoon and cuddle, so, because i love her, i try to let her fall asleep before sliding away for some real z's. but if it was just a fuck i might not. either way tho i'd tell her whats up. seems to me his real problem is communication.

also, M's girl, i think the idea of a thread about what everyone considers normal is a great idea. i too think oral is pretty standard in any sexual relationship.

 

[Guest]

 

[EJFan]

i had an experience the other day (non-sexual... but you all knew that... lol) that illustrates my issue with this type of thing.

someone was snapping asparagus and when they finished asked me to feel the grit on their hands. i looked at the person's hand and just couldn't touch it... the idea of doing so just did NOT appeal to me. it wasn't disgusting, there was nothing visible there that was repulsive, i just can't stand touching other people's skin.

 

[M's girl]

..... also, M's girl, i think the idea of a thread about what everyone considers normal is a great idea. i too think oral is pretty standard in any sexual relationship.

OK, I will

Have to think though how to set up the right set of questions. Plus I won't be around to follow my own thread in somewhat over a week (holiday - yeah!) but this "issue" has been on my mind for a while now so I might as well put it out there....

 

[LadyJeanne]

No oral?!

Do you enjoy having sex with this guy without oral? I'd have a hard time being with anyone like that, as I don't come from PIV without clit stim, and I'd really miss both giving and receiving oral.

And you know what they say about masturbation: 9 out of 10 guys masturbate and the 10th guy is lying. Maybe he's not, but that sounds highly unusual.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I hate to admit it but I'm kind of the same way when it comes to sleeping. I have soem insomnia issues and there are times when the contact keeps me up. Litterally just the feeling of a hand on my hip will cause me to focus on that contact, which keeps my mind awake so that I can't sleep. It may well be some kind of intimacy issue, but it could also just be an insomnia thing.

As for oral sex, sorry I can't relate. I couldn't imagine a sex life without it. I could probably go without recieving, but I honestly don't think I could go without giving. I love the power.