Issues with father on me being bisexual

[BeautifulBlueSky218]

I'm sure everyone has been through this at some point or another. I've known I was bisexual since I was 19 years old. Since than my father has been very strict towards me and tried to control me anytime someone came over to the house. Especially when it had to do with men. He came to realize I was bisexual when I finally came out in my mid 20's. Often he'll say something that gets to me and I always come to my defense on my sexuality.

"Please, just be with a man. Don't ever be with a woman." he'll say this by hugging me. He was brought up very religious and strict. So I can understand where he's coming from on that part. Just hope he can be love me regardless of what happens and if I end up dating a woman one day. I have this gut feeling in the end our relationship will be changed. There's nothing I can to do about this. I know that. Guess I sort of wanted to share this since this has been a never ending thing. Has anyone else been through this sort of thing with their family. If so, what was your approach to it? How did you handle it?

 

[Nezhul]

if you are over 19, it's your life and your sexuality. Your decision. Your father has nothing to do with it. You should stand up for yourself and stop letting him control you.

 

[ChrissyCD64]

Neither of my parents had any problem with me being bi, but then they were both bi too. They didn't have any issue with my cross-dressing either, in fact it was them who dressed me in my first girly things.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

no, BUT

Have not been through such conflict with parents about my sexuality. BUT, there was a LOT of conflict over other things. What it seems to me I have learned, and I hope you learn, is that you are a good person, lovable, able and complete just as you are. If your parent or parents ate giving you a different message, THEY ARE WRONG.
They or one being wrong doesn't mean you can have no relationships. It does mean that you need to ignore and false, the messages they give you about who and what you are. God bless you.
At one point, it helped to tell my father that he just as well quite preaching and that "prayer will get you a lot farther than preaching." It took and we were able to take and give with each other after.

 

[liqueur]

I'm sure everyone has been through this at some point or another. I've known I was bisexual since I was 19 years old. Since than my father has been very strict towards me and tried to control me anytime someone came over to the house. Especially when it had to do with men. He came to realize I was bisexual when I finally came out in my mid 20's. Often he'll say something that gets to me and I always come to my defense on my sexuality.....
Has anyone else been through this sort of thing with their family. If so, what was your approach to it? How did you handle it?

I never told my parents. Of course I come from a very different era.

That said, I know or have known lots and lots of folk who were gay or bisexual. Based on the many stories I have heard from them, I would say that all you need to do—all you can do—is continue to be honest without being confrontational. It may or may not take a long time, but eventually he will just accept you for who you are.

love to you, and good thoughts.

 

[TallOne]

I'm 40 and my father would outright disown me if I came out to family as bi. Especially if it came out that I've been with black men. He's gone off the deep end with Fox News and the like. Yet I still love him. It's a conflicted state of being for sure.

So that stays hidden. Only people that that know are my wife and past play partners. Only have any significant contact with family around the holidays anyway.

 

[twister947]

In a perfect world, a person's sexuality would be no one else's business...I don't feel the need to come out or share with anyone but my partners. That said, he is your daddy, and you can't very well tell him to myob. Tough call. Good luck.

 

[policywank]

I don't have experience with this specific situation but I have certainly had to deal with a lot of feedback on my sexual choices. I have a few observations from those experiences which have served me well over time.

First, distinguish between concern and judgment. We tend to feel that if our choices are not supported that our parents are being judgmental or intolerant. But sometimes it is more a matter of concern for us. It may come out wrong but they are concerned with the consequences (STD, judgment, eternal damnation) of our orientation or sexual choices. As much as I disagree I do not expect to fundamentally change their belief system. Nor am I going to adopt it. So the best route is to agree to disagree.

Second, being honest and true to yourself does not demand that you tell everyone everything about yourself. Yes we can all imagine scenarios in which we feel personally compelled to address something with our parents and we shouldn't hide from that. But don't let people pressure you into handling your situation according to some stereotype of how a gay or bi person is supposed to come out. There are far too many people in the world who are inclined to project their own anxieties and insecurities onto others. There is no universally true or right way to proceed. And if you choose not to tell them don't let anyone else try to tell you what that means about you or your relationship with your parents.

Thirdly, if you do choose to declare your sexual orientation (or anything else that might be contentious) always reserve unto yourself the right not to explain yourself. It is ok to refuse to be drawn into a debate. In this situation people will often put forth a premise as to why you are "wrong" and challenge you to disprove it. You don't owe anyone proof or explanation. Don't fold you arms or put your nose in the air or walk away. Just politely say that you understand their point of view and disagree......and that you have the right to disagree and be your own person. Make it about your personal prerogative not the specific choice at hand.

I think that in general it is rare that you are actually able to change someone's beliefs. It would be nice to find that their love for you is more powerful than those beliefs but it is often the case that those beliefs are not voluntary - they are more like emotions. We can manage, reflect, rechannel but we can't just switch on or off. So as difficult as it is to accept the intolerance you are inferring is not directed at you. Coming to grips with the fact that a loved one is a bigot is not easy but it isn't personal either.

So if you aren't going to change someone else's beliefs the best that you can do is get them to respect your beliefs and choices.....not necessarily agree or even support but recognize and accept your right to make them.

 

[liqueur]

Seems like a lot of these posts are missing the point. She's not trying to decide whether to come out or not— she did that 10 years ago. Since then, if I read it right, she's found it a rocky road to negotiate with her father, and is looking for practical advice or people with shared experience.

 

[twister947]

Seems like a lot of these posts are missing the point. She's not trying to decide whether to come out or not— she did that 10 years ago. Since then, if I read it right, she's found it a rocky road to negotiate with her father, and is looking for practical advice or people with shared experience.

Thanks for pointing that out.

 

[Scareltt]

2018 not 1981

It’s still not easy to deal with family. Holidays are the worst. You feel compelled to spend that with family. It can be a lot of fun and still be hard. You have to put yourself in those situations and at the same time hide an aspect of yourself.

Family always gets bring all their baggage and set it up like a circus tent. It’s both cruel and comedic. Your family is part of you, the only part aside from your name you don’t get to choose. The good news is if you fall down they usually are the first ones there to pick you up. The picking up is usually done with, an I told you so, a lecture, or condescension. So it’s never a free pick up.

However your Dad wants what’s best for you. The thing is parents (I’m new to the parent thing. Only been doing it for 7 years) tend to use a different measure mixing in what was best for them, and their high hopes for you, and a smidge of what is normal in their day and they have a pretty screwed up picture of what your life should look like.

You’re not going to change their minds over a few meals or a few days. If you’re truly happy they they (he in this case) will see that. Changing minds takes time, and it’s not always easy... in the end you are going to need to be yourself to love yourself...

 

[ChrissyCD64]

I'm 40 and my father would outright disown me if I came out to family as bi. Especially if it came out that I've been with black men. He's gone off the deep end with Fox News and the like. Yet I still love him. It's a conflicted state of being for sure.

So that stays hidden. Only people that that know are my wife and past play partners. Only have any significant contact with family around the holidays anyway.

That is such a shame. Both our son and daughter are bi and married to blacks. We love them and their spouses, who are also both bi.