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Isolated Blurt Thread

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The_Fool said:
I took the first line in a much different direction...;)
Click to expand...

*pounce*

:D Nope, but you might be just the person to give me feedback. Is it ready? Any suggestions for changes? Any lines that make you trip and fall as you read?

A Residue Remains

I love you...

Not as a match
Burst into life
Burns quickly down
Scorching fingertips
Before being dropped
Ashes blown away
By a slight breeze

I love you...

As a candle burns
Slowly melting
Dripping
Minute by minute
Hour by hour
Reforming a satin pool
Of rippled wax
Even scraped away
A residue remains
 
MagicaPractica said:
*pounce*

:D Nope, but you might be just the person to give me feedback. Is it ready? Any suggestions for changes? Any lines that make you trip and fall as you read?

A Residue Remains

I love you...

Not as a match
Burst into life
Burns quickly down
Scorching fingertips
Before being dropped
Ashes blown away
By a slight breeze

I love you...

As a candle burns
Slowly melting
Dripping
Minute by minute
Hour by hour
Reforming a satin pool
Of rippled wax
Even scraped away
A residue remains
Click to expand...


May I interject?

I was thrown by the change in verb tense between the 2nd and 3rd lines. I would also change the last two lines to something like, "And even scraped away, A residue remains."

I like the analogies. :) Quick, hot, burning love vs. Warm, soothing, melting, lasting love. Nice.

Edited Bit:

Actually, you could put a period after wax, and that would fix that clause. I just keep stumbling over the last three lines or so. Maybe it's just me? :confused:
 
Last edited:
McKenna said:
May I interject?

I was thrown by the change in verb tense between the 2nd and 3rd lines. I would also change the last two lines to something like, "And even scraped away, A residue remains."

I like the analogies. :) Quick, hot, burning love vs. Warm, soothing, melting, lasting love. Nice.

Edited Bit:

Actually, you could put a period after wax, and that would fix that clause. I just keep stumbling over the last three lines or so. Maybe it's just me? :confused:
Click to expand...

Thank you :rose::kiss: I had "bursts" in the second line but it just doesn't work when I do that. I see what you mean about the ending. If I punctuate after wax, don't I need to punctuate the rest of the poem? I'm tempted to set the last two lines off but I don't like that solution either since I don't want to set off the ashes blowing away bit. Decisions, decisions. Thanks for the notes. :rose:
 
MagicaPractica said:
*pounce*

:D Nope, but you might be just the person to give me feedback. Is it ready? Any suggestions for changes? Any lines that make you trip and fall as you read?

A Residue Remains

I love you...

Not as a match
Burst into life
Burns quickly down
Scorching fingertips
Before being dropped
Ashes blown away
By a slight breeze

I love you...

As a candle burns
Slowly melting
Dripping
Minute by minute
Hour by hour
Reforming a satin pool
Of rippled wax
Even scraped away
A residue remains
Click to expand...


Only one "I love you..." line and change the first line of the second stanza to "But, as a candle burns."

change "Burst" to "Flares" or "Flames."

I understand where you are going with ashes. But a match rarely ashes. I think you could have the same concept with scorched wood left lying on the ground.

Punctuation is not evil either. it might help the reader better interpret. Or not. can go either way.

Another way to extend your metaphor is to contrast the flickering flame of a match to the steady flame of a candle.

I'm still thinking.

Just thoughts, you need to say what you want to say...:)
 
The_Fool said:
Only one "I love you..." line and change the first line of the second stanza to "But, as a candle burns."

change "Burst" to "Flares" or "Flames."

I understand where you are going with ashes. But a match rarely ashes. I think you could have the same concept with scorched wood left lying on the ground.

Punctuation is not evil either. it might help the reader better interpret. Or not. can go either way.

Another way to extend your metaphor is to contrast the flickering flame of a match to the steady flame of a candle.

I'm still thinking.

Just thoughts, you need to say what you want to say...:)
Click to expand...


I like "flares." But sounds too abrupt to me, but I'll look at it and come up with something else. I was thinking the punctuation might overwhelm so few words? I started it with the match flame but the wax didn't equate so I focused on the match stick. Okay, now the stick is tumbling away in a slight breeze. Thanks :kiss:
 
MagicaPractica said:
I like "flares." But sounds too abrupt to me, but I'll look at it and come up with something else. I was thinking the punctuation might overwhelm so few words? I started it with the match flame but the wax didn't equate so I focused on the match stick. Okay, now the stick is tumbling away in a slight breeze. Thanks :kiss:
Click to expand...

anytime....:rose:
 
It's be funny if it wasn't scary and sad. Seeing people come completely unhinged is awful.
 
I'm trying not to be impatient this year, really I am. I just want to submit and have done with it! But I won't. I will work until it's right.
 
Vella~La says "Hi!" to everyone...

preparations are currently under way to break Imp's "L Word cherry"... (Vella is doing the honors)
 
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