Isolated Blurt Thread

[scheherazade_79]

We've had so much fun today
Tomorrow's just a dream away
So now it's time to say good night
At the end of a lovely day.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

We've had so much fun today
Tomorrow's just a dream away
So now it's time to say good night
At the end of a lovely day.

You go to bed too early.

Timezones suck.

 

[Guest]

I posted the following earlier (twice) and deleted it (twice). But I think I'm going to leave it up this time. I know that people get tired of the complaining I do. I know some worry while others ignore, but I think I need to say this because it's the most honest I've been in a long, long time. I'm sick of bottling it all up all the time. So I'm going to leave it up, even knowing that I shouldn't. For those of you who have been there for me throughout my hard times, I'm sorry if it sounds like I don't appreciate you because I do. I'm very grateful for the support I've gotten.

~
I'm not supposed to say anything. Not here. Not on myspace. Certainly not out loud, to a real live person.
I'm not supposed to dwell on it. I'm not supposed to even feel this way.

What I am supposed to do is forget about, move on, stop obsessing, let it go, remember that it's not about me. I'm supposed to go to therapy, get on medication, be a better person, be a better mother, stop expecting anything from anyone, stop needing anything from anyone.

I hate all those parameters, hate that I have to suffer in silence, only let out little small pieces that have to immediately erased, hate that no one can handle how I feel, wants to handle it, wants to help. I hate that I'm supposed to help myself when life gets entirely in my way of doing that, so it's all my fault to everyone that I'm who I am, how I am, but I can't fucking help it.

I want help. I want love. I want acceptance. I want a hug. I want someone to say something nice to me besides thanks for doing. I want to know I won't always be alone. I want to know that I will survive this, that I can be happy someday, that I deserve happiness. I want to know that there's something redeemable about me, something funny or sexy or beautiful that someone may see someday. I want to know that I'm worth more than what I do for everyone else.
And I'm tired of hiding, tired of not talking, tired of knowing that everyone is tired of me. I'm tired of who I am, how I am, when I can't fix it. I'm tired of everyday hoping to be better, everyday hoping it will be the day when I may get some glimpse that I matter, when someone might take care of me for a change, when someone, anyone, would notice that I'm not okay. I'm tired of taking care of everyone, all day everyday, worrying over everyone, doing for everyone, only to end everyday completely and utterly alone without anyone to lean on, talk to, rely on. I'm tired of knowing it's all my fault, all my problem, knowing that I'm broken and beyond repair.
I hate knowing that I'll post this because I need this to be out loud, somehow, but that I'll delete it, that I have to delete it. I just wish I could erase the feelings, too.

go ahead and delete it if you want to but its here now, recognised and valid.
i love you.
i wish i could take away the angst or hurt but all i can do is ease it by letting you know that you are loved.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

SJ - If you want the truth, I feel really inept at helping from a long distance. I wish you were closer, or better yet here at our home. I'm much better at doling out love and helping that way. For what it's worth, I really enjoyed your company when you were here in March. I don't think there's anything broken about you. Maybe a little battered and bruised, but nothing close to broken.

 

[TheOlderGuy]

I posted the following earlier (twice) and deleted it (twice). But I think I'm going to leave it up this time. I know that people get tired of the complaining I do. I know some worry while others ignore, but I think I need to say this because it's the most honest I've been in a long, long time. I'm sick of bottling it all up all the time. So I'm going to leave it up, even knowing that I shouldn't. For those of you who have been there for me throughout my hard times, I'm sorry if it sounds like I don't appreciate you because I do. I'm very grateful for the support I've gotten.

~
I'm not supposed to say anything. Not here. Not on myspace. Certainly not out loud, to a real live person.
I'm not supposed to dwell on it. I'm not supposed to even feel this way.

What I am supposed to do is forget about, move on, stop obsessing, let it go, remember that it's not about me. I'm supposed to go to therapy, get on medication, be a better person, be a better mother, stop expecting anything from anyone, stop needing anything from anyone.

I hate all those parameters, hate that I have to suffer in silence, only let out little small pieces that have to immediately erased, hate that no one can handle how I feel, wants to handle it, wants to help. I hate that I'm supposed to help myself when life gets entirely in my way of doing that, so it's all my fault to everyone that I'm who I am, how I am, but I can't fucking help it.

I want help. I want love. I want acceptance. I want a hug. I want someone to say something nice to me besides thanks for doing. I want to know I won't always be alone. I want to know that I will survive this, that I can be happy someday, that I deserve happiness. I want to know that there's something redeemable about me, something funny or sexy or beautiful that someone may see someday. I want to know that I'm worth more than what I do for everyone else.
And I'm tired of hiding, tired of not talking, tired of knowing that everyone is tired of me. I'm tired of who I am, how I am, when I can't fix it. I'm tired of everyday hoping to be better, everyday hoping it will be the day when I may get some glimpse that I matter, when someone might take care of me for a change, when someone, anyone, would notice that I'm not okay. I'm tired of taking care of everyone, all day everyday, worrying over everyone, doing for everyone, only to end everyday completely and utterly alone without anyone to lean on, talk to, rely on. I'm tired of knowing it's all my fault, all my problem, knowing that I'm broken and beyond repair.
I hate knowing that I'll post this because I need this to be out loud, somehow, but that I'll delete it, that I have to delete it. I just wish I could erase the feelings, too.

first off, i don't know you, so you should just ignore most of what i have to say, because it won't relate directly enough to you to be useful.

secondly, you can't delete it, because, perhaps contrary to regulations, i have quoted it. i quoted it because i thought it was an important snapshot of each of us when we are deep in despair. and even tho many of us might not be there now, most of us have been there sometime. so, sophia, know that you are never alone in that misery.

thirdly, i can't help you. i don't even know the source of your anguish. but, i have been there, clinging to what little faith i could find that life would turn the corner for me. it felt like it never would. i felt like a fool. but, you know what? i continued to have faith. and in the end i found someone who made it worth while. but that's not really the point.

the person who understands you perfectly can only show up once you really REALLY understand yourself. there's a lot of bottoming out involved in getting there. it's not pretty. it's not easy. but it is sooooooooooooo worth it. go there. feel the pain. explore your own culpability in it. accept that it is part of the tapestry of life that is actually, in the fulllight of day, quite amazing. look around you. notice how lucky you are. build on that. trust (have faith) that what happens is meant to be. we each grow stronger from the challenges. we will grow wiser with the passing of time.

your time is coming. have faith. and when you're ready, go rock someone's world.

 

[Guest]

your time is coming. have faith. and when you're ready, go rock someone's world.

i love this. thank you.

 

[Alessia Brio]

My days & nights are screwed up. My productivity has plummeted. I am just taking up space and consuming oxygen at the moment. I am ... SLUG WOMAN!

 

[feeeriek]

ah but if you weren't consuming oxygen and releasing carbon dioxide how would the
plants breath?

 

[Alessia Brio]

ah but if you weren't consuming oxygen and releasing carbon dioxide how would the
plants breath?

Sweet talker!

 

[Fallenfromgrace]

holy shit its 3:30 am...i am getting up at 7:30 am...

*note to self* disconnect internet when trying to study.

**

 

[Equinoxe]

I don't think that I have €45 to spend on a book about Ancient Greek musical performance at the moment, even if it does come with a matching CD.

 

[TxRad]

My days & nights are screwed up. My productivity has plummeted. I am just taking up space and consuming oxygen at the moment. I am ... SLUG WOMAN!

You can slug me anytime......

 

[Belegon]

More soul-Candy?

Always.

My days & nights are screwed up. My productivity has plummeted. I am just taking up space and consuming oxygen at the moment. I am ... SLUG WOMAN!

I'm gonna have to regard that as a challenge to give you more to edit....

extended release

I think you're adorable, I don't care who knows it and I think I'm gonna have to give you something public for you to read whenever you want so it's proven...and irrefutable, even by you.

 

[Alessia Brio]

Okay, I salvaged part of the day. Interview completed. Now I'm gonna try to get some sleep. I could really use a bedtime story, though.

 

[damppanties]

in all fairness, its unlikely that you have SAD- considering the amount of sun where you are. Unless SAD can come about due to changes in temperature- its not such a drastic drop there is it DP? god it's been too long since i was there.

There is a drop in temp. It's almost December! But it's probably not SAD anyway. I think it's just some PMS or depression crap.

blurt 5: why can't i write more than 2000 words (+/- 10%)?

Really? I consider 5,000 my absolute limit. Mostly it's 3,000 on an average.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Okay, I salvaged part of the day. Interview completed. Now I'm gonna try to get some sleep. I could really use a bedtime story, though.

You mean one wasn't enough?

 

[damppanties]

I miss my camera. I'm going into withdrawal. Return it soon.

 

[Fallenfromgrace]

There is a drop in temp. It's almost December! But it's probably not SAD anyway. I think it's just some PMS or depression crap.


Really? I consider 5,000 my absolute limit. Mostly it's 3,000 on an average.

yes, but how much of a drop is it? not only that, i dont *think* SAD is effected by heat, its generally more the light intensity. i cant see that being a problem where you are?

Hmmm, i could easily write 5000 words on my essay topic and surrounding areas, but i would be a hashed up mess.

*blurt* i CAN survive on 4 hours sleep today if i just find my what do you m'callits...caffeine tablets...argh cant remember the name! oh...and take paracetamol for this fucking headache. i truly have a f'd up circadian rhythm- if i didnt live with my parents it wouldnt be so bad.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

yes, but how much of a drop is it? not only that, i dont *think* SAD is effected by heat, its generally more the light intensity.

I've had SAD for 14 years. It sucks majorly.

Seriously

 

[damppanties]

yes, but how much of a drop is it? not only that, i dont *think* SAD is effected by heat, its generally more the light intensity. i cant see that being a problem where you are?

Hmmm, i could easily write 5000 words on my essay topic and surrounding areas, but i would be a hashed up mess.

*blurt* i CAN survive on 4 hours sleep today if i just find my what do you m'callits...caffeine tablets...argh cant remember the name! oh...and take paracetamol for this fucking headache. i truly have a f'd up circadian rhythm- if i didnt live with my parents it wouldnt be so bad.

No problem with the light. Sigh.

Easily write 5000 words? And you were moaning about 2000. You're better than you think you are then.

 

[Fallenfromgrace]

I've had SAD for 14 years. It sucks majorly.

Seriously

I hadn't realised that you suffered with it. I can imagine it is something that can be awkward to lve with- and im sure thats an understatement, but how else to put it withou coming across wrong?
Does temperature like light intesity havea role to play in SAD?

ps. perceptive feeling is slowly ebbing away

 

[Fallenfromgrace]

No problem with the light. Sigh.

Easily write 5000 words? And you were moaning about 2000. You're better than you think you are then.

My whinge was about not being able to write more, and not being able to take the essay on a different track...oooh...train track (snicker)

 

[kendo1]

It's not long 'till spring.

 

[Aurora Black]

New story finished. Now I can finally read something.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

must go to city hall and rental office today.

*sigh*