Isn't it Ironic......

[English Lady]

Well I just have to tell you how strangely ironic life really is.


Following comments on my previous story,I really went to town on my new story. I read it over and over, tried my hardest to keep my tenses straight,I really tried hard to thoroughly edit it.


Now it's been submtted it has the worse score of all my stories, it's my first one to drop below(not by much mind, just below) the 4 mark.

I'll just ramble on in my usual way again for the next one I think*L*

Oh just if you want to take a nosey at my attempt.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=73514


I think it just goes to prove you CAN try too hard sometimes!

 

[BigTexan]

EnglishLady,

I read your story. It was quite well written. My feelings are that your readers weren't voting lower because of the improvement in writing as much as for the story content.

I hate to say it, but I've read variations of that story too many times to remember. While your ealier story was fresh and new and interesting, I felt this one lacked that fresh perspective.

Still it was a good story and I would be surprised if the scores didn't come back up in the long run.

You are a good writer and you have loads of talent.

BigTexan

 

[English Lady]

Thankyou for you comments big texan and for taking the time to read my story.


Actually what you say makes sense, I guess it probably is a fairly run of the mill tale and I didn't enjoy writing it as much as my last one. Not so much inspiration at all. I guess that shows that i am no good writing to a deadline!


It is so nice to hear someone tell you they think you have talent! I think you've made my day!


Once again thank you!

 

[TheEarl]

Just read your story and don't see much wrong with it. It's technically well written. The only problem is that I didn't really know that much about the main character and so didn't care that much about her. Also felt you could have taken more time and detail over the stripping scene.

I think the votes have been harsh, because (I presume this was a Christmas story entry) it isn't very Christmassy. Apparently a lot of readers mark you down if they think you're trying to lever another story into a Christmas competition.

The Earl

 

[English Lady]

you#re not the first to make the comment about the main character, my husband said the very same thing.


Not very christmassy? hmmm well hell its cold, its gotsanta suits what more do you want? *l* a reindeer? *LMAO* pointy taken though...

and thanks for telling me its not that bad!

 

[MaxSebastian]

I think there are a few things that may have dropped it under the 4 mark. Firstly, it uses the present tense - which, although not an offence, does make it slightly unconventional from most stories. A lot of readers don't necessarily vote unconventional highly.

Secondly, when you combine present tense with 1st person point of view, it can be easy to rush it and maybe scrimp on some of the detail - in characterisation and description - that you will need for a high scoring tale.

I think your style on this story starts off fairly light and verging on the humorous - which can make it difficult to seem erotic - and then suddenly changes to a curious kind of fear with the appearance of (*spoiler warning*) a gun. This fear factor can, again, make it hard to keep the erotic factor up - unless that whole nonconsent deal is the reader's bag. Not everyone's bag.

Sure, there's that twist in the tail, but even so, I felt you were rushing to get to it and you didn't provide enough sensuality to make the story erotic enough for a high score. The strip is very cold and you didn't explore the narrator's feelings to any great depth. You could have really gone to town on it - the strange sensations of fear turning to sensuality and desire.

Then the sex scene just isn't powerful enough - you haven't quite built it up the characters enough for us to care about them, nor have you built up the eroticism enough for us to be massively turned on. Then there just wasn't enough passionate prose there to really connect with the reader. Again, possibly you were rushing for that twist in the ending.

The major question I was asking was "why is she not asking herself how the heck this guy got involved with gangster types?" But she didn't. She just seemed to pretty much accept it. But then, we really know very little about either her background or Kevin's. More characterisation may have made it clearer: either that she always knew he had a shady side or so that we really know she's surprised at what is now going on.

It was fairly well-written, although there were a few errors here and there - watch your use of apostrophes. "It's" is always short for 'it is' - never possessive, for example.

To conclude: most important points, I felt: it wasn't erotic enough, because of its flippant beginning, undeveloped fear-factor, characterisation and description, as well as the lack of overall sensuality.

Wow, that report sounded terrible! I really didn't think it was a bad story. It had the inklings of a very good story, and the criticisms I have here are just to provide suggestions, they shouldn't be taken as being too strong. I think the idea for the story was good, the plot was good and the structure good too. With a little more attention, this could have been a 4.5 and more.

Plenty of promise for the future, I'd say, as long as you work at it to get better, like any writer should.

All the best,

Max.

 

[MaxSebastian]

p.s. What's a nice thread like you doing in a place like this? I thought Story Feedback was the right section for stuff like this...

 

[English Lady]

good point..but it wasn't really started as a particular request for feedback just an author's observation which has been turned into a feedback thread!*L*

 

[velocette65]

I've started to ignore the votes and look at the hits. I count my best works by the number of times they've been read. As long as they are being read you are being successful.

I would rather read a technically imperfect story by a female contributor that was based around their real erotic imaginings and desires than some slick, well edited empty work that is far removed from a genuine sexual urge.

When I first submitted a work it received very little response. I liked it though and kept writing it in chapters. The responses got better. I then wrote a few stories based upon what I thought the regular readers would like to read. They were more popular but writing them didn't stimulate me much. Then I produced a story that I was really interested in and it got thousands of readers in the first few days.

Just keep writing and don't be put off.

 

[gauchecritic]

Internacionalle

I think, English Lady, that perhaps one of the reasons for the apparent low vote (apart from the usual conspiracy theories) could well be in the fact that you use a quite colloquial form of expression.

For me, that's great, maybe for our international friends it is slightly jarring, and maybe even a tad more difficult to read.

Not having done any extensive research (not extensive=nil) my guess is that you will find very few high ranking stories written by authors whose grasp of English as she is received, is not, to put it bluntly, up to the mark.

Everyone in the world who reads English will have very little problem reading American prose because of it's film and televisual ubiquity the same cannot be said of colloquial English.

Then when you start using 'Americanisms' as you do: Ass for arse, hunny, baby etc and then even introduce a gun into the plot well then you become neither fish nor fowl.

My only advice is that you stick with your own language if you are writing about characters you 'know'.

Before you know it you'll be bringing in sophisticated european types going round saying "Eyup"and "eeh by gum".

Well you know what I mean

Apart from that I do like your style.

Gauche

 

[English Lady]

velocette65 Well I think you're right. I don't write for the votes really. My favourite story i have written wasn't very well received but i loved writing it.


I did write this one purely for the christmas competition (thought I'd join in the spirit of things) and well it flowed in parts, then in others it did nothing for me. i think its getting the balance.

Going back to it not being christmassy enough, well I have been thinking about that and to be honest I don't think i'd be comfortable writing an out and out christmas, lights, santa, rein deer and all erotic story. it jarrs with me. Christmas to me is very childlike, very innocent and very much a special time in my heart, I don't find anything sexual in that at all. Iam not saying there isn't for other people but that it is that way for me. So a couple of santa suits are as christmassy and erotic as you're gonna get from me .

Right, Gauche critic, it may be becaue i am reading this at 3am when i am at least 2/3s asleep but eh? I really didn't get much of a handle on your comment. So first off its about colloquialism, well i'm pretty sure all my other stories have some nothern england-isms in them and they've gone down alright (well apart from the tense thing but i am working on that)

then its about americanisms...well I would say "ass" as aposed to "arse" sometimes....maybe its another northern thing ditto with"baby" and "hunny" I se them all the time. then there is a gun and i guess that is a lttle bizarre, but hell this is fiction...bizarre is good.


so then I am not sure what you're getting at mate, when all is said and done.....but ell in my next story i've got this guy called Pierre and he's living in Burnley " eee by heck" ............ *LOL*

 

[TheEarl]

Velocette: Reads are just the number of times people have looked at your story. So it's entirely down to the title and the blurb, not the story itself. If you click on the story by mistake and click back immediately, then that's a read.

Gauche: Baby is fairly international. It's not just an Americanism. However ass is a donkey and is an abomination in any story not based on the Nativity (incl Midsummer Night's Dream).

The Earl

 

[BigTexan]

However ass is a donkey and is an abomination in any story not based on the Nativity (incl Midsummer Night's Dream).

The Earl

Ass may well be an Americanism, but it is not an abomination any more than "cunny" or "pub" is. You English need to loosen up a bit. Otherwise you run the risk of looking like an, well, an ass!

BigTexan

 

[English Lady]

well if i could just butt in (pun intended)


I say ass, I often say ass and i think in a sexual situation
ass sounds sexier and less well smutty than "arse"



just putting forth my tuppenneth worth.....

 

[Quasimodem]

Getting to the bottom of asses.

... However ass is a donkey and is an abomination in any story not based on the Nativity (incl Midsummer Night's Dream)....

To be quite correct, in Shakespeare's "A Midsummer's Night Dream" the ASS was really a BOTTOM . . . Bottom, the Weaver, to be precise!