Is this the normal way?

[janisjoplin197888]

Ok, let me start off by saying that I have been interested in Bondage for a few years now. I have also met a couple guys who are 'experienced' in it. One of those fellows I spoke to the other night for the first time. It didn't go well. So, after reading our conversation, please tell me if this is 'normal'
Him- "So, for what reason did it take you so long to get back to me?" (I met him on a website for Bondage and Im'ed him about a week later)
Me-"Well, I have a child, I work, and I go to school"
Him- "Ok, well send me your pic"
Me-"Are you going to send me yours also?"
Him-"If I choose to" (I am thinking, smart ass, but ok..so I send pic. Now the best pic I have it looks like I have a black eye in it. I don't, this is where I tried to fix the red eye but I didn't do it right)
Me-( I send pic)
Him- "Now the first thing you must learn is ettiquette, from now on you will call me 'Sir', You got it?"
Me-"Ok"
Him- "Ok, What?"
Me-"Ok, Sir"
Him- (He gets my pic.) "Yor pic. looks like shit, but I get the idea"
Me-(smart ass I am) "Gee, Thank you, Sir" (This gets me a bit pissed but I'm dealing with it)
Him- "Ok, So what is your phone number? I have some things to go over with you to see if you're worthy, I have a few questiones for you"
Me- (IM thinking, 'See if I am worthy?' I think about what all was said and by this time I am pretty f*****g hot!) "You know what? F*** YOU! I am not going to be talked down upon........ (no need to type all I said as it was end of conversation you get my point)
Him-"Well, you see that right there is exactly what seperates the truely submissives from the curious"


Now, what all of this said I think what I am trying to ask is this. What/ How does a dom/sub relation normally start? Am I in 'my own little world' thinking that I can have this with someone AFTER I get to know them? How about you all? How did your "relationship' start? Was it a dating kinda thing that went into the "Dom/'Sub relationship"? Did it happen anything at all like I mentioned above? Or maybe the two of you engaged into it after marriage? I am at a loss on how to think of this. Comments please? Also feel free to post (or PM if you prefer) how your "Dom/Sub relationship came about. Thank you for reading. Janisj.

 

[janisjoplin197888]

Five people...

have read this in less than ten minutes;but, no one has responded? Comments please?

 

[sigsauerprinces]

nooooooooooo that is not normal. well-sad to say it IS normal in that it happens far too often to new subs-but that is not the "norm" for BDSM D/s.

it doesnt matter that you want to be tied up-you are still entitled to be talked to like a human being and respected. unless its in a friendly, flirty way, i'd walk away from anyone who tried to exert his "power" over me in one of our first conversations. his attitude was disrespectful. i would have ended the convo at "ok, send me your pic". theres nothing wrong with waiting a bit to send a pic (tho i guess theres nothing wrong with sending one right away if you want to do that-but i feel it pays to be prudent-he could end up being an asshole-and then he's got your pic, to do who knows what with it, you know?). a simple "would you be agreeable to sending me a pic sometime in the near future" would be fine.

i could go on and on, but bottom line, you are not HIS and not oblicated to call him Sir or King Louis The Great and Dominant until you :::choose::: to do so. simply because he's a Dom isnt a good enough reason. in my opinion a Dom /sub relationship should start off just like any other relationship-with respect and politeness. if after you've talked to him for a while and you like him and respect him and want to show him that, you could start calling him Sir, if you wanted. but you are not obligated to do anything.

www.castlerealm.com has some good info for ppl new to bondage, bdsm ect.

i'm glad you told that guy to fuck off. you did the right thing.

 

[Netzach]

if it's unacceptable to you, it's unacceptable. I find it understandable that you find it unacceptable, and I think it has nothing whatsoever to do with whether you're submissive.

Hold onto your common sense, it'll serve you just fine.

 

[LustyBBWwench]

Ugh...maybe it's just me, but I absolutely balk at "doms" who insist on being referred to as Sir straightaway. He may be A dom, but he's not MY dom, so sir is not appropriate, and feels disrespectful to MY dom, wherever he is and whenever we find each other.

I'm sub, but I'm no doormat, and a dom needs to earn my respect, just like anyone else.

But.... I will admit that it's a personal preference, as with everything. I think you did the right thing.

~Lusty

 

[s'lara]

i read it.

No, your exchange with this person isn't "normal", but then again, what is normal?

As far as your conversation, it sounds like he wasn't your cup of tea. He was presumptuous in his control, insulting to you personally and instantly familiar. In a vanilla world, the latter would have raised anyone's radar up few notches.

Now you know what you don't like and what you will not accept. Good luck to you janis.

lara

 

[WriterDom]

What value is your submissiveness if it is given away to a faceless clown behind a computer screen during the first conversation? I think you knew the answer to this before you asked.

 

[rosco rathbone]

What value is your submissiveness if it is given away to a faceless clown behind a computer screen during the first conversation? I think you knew the answer to this before you asked.

Why is he a "clown"? Some online masters have a blunt style of mastery. It doesn't work for everyone. Nets nails it.

Let us not forget that some subs get wet when they meet a demanding online master like that.

 

[sigsauerprinces]

Why is he a "clown"? Some online masters have a blunt style of mastery. It doesn't work for everyone. Nets nails it.

Let us not forget that some subs get wet when they meet a demanding online master like that.

come on roscoe..i know what you're saying, but you cant tell me that that guy doesnt just sound like a horny net geek..a wanna be Dom who thinks if he barks orders at enough subs, one will be naive enough to fall for his BS..

i know that some can have a blunt, straightforward, up front attitude and that some subs get off on that, but for a brand new sub who is new to everything and greener than a pool table-how is she to tell the difference between a blunt Dom who is actually a real Dom and doesnt have bad intentions towards her, and a wanna be Dom who is in reality just some oaf sitting behind his keyboard typing commands because he knows new subs will fall for it? i think its hard for beginners to tell the difference-thats why i think beginners should insist on being talked to at least like a human being. once she gets some experience, if she finds she likes that upfront style, fine, but at least she'll have the experience to know whether he's an up front Dom or a Dom wanna be. lets not forget that Dom wanna bes can be dangerous even if its just because they really dont know what the fuck theyre doing, whether or not they actually have harmful intentions.

 

[PyroDemon]

Originally posted by WriterDom
What value is your submissiveness if it is given away to a faceless clown behind a computer screen during the first conversation? I think you knew the answer to this before you asked.

Well said WD. I have heard quite a few of the stories of Doms that demand this and that merely because they say they are Doms. Personally, I would seriously question any sub that fell for that style of person. I would find anyone that would merely submit because I said to not even worth my time. Dominance as well as submission to me is something to be earned. Sure there are those that find a person that will fall on their knees and please simply because you say so a turn on and personally, I am sure they will find their fair share of subs. You just won't see me doing it.

I don't know how others do it, but for me, it takes time. Alot of time and conversations before I would even want to be a person's Dom. I tend to think that desperation and lonelyness would be the main reason anyone would feel the need to be one's Dom without trust and knowledge involved. Just think of it this way. Any real relationship is like building a house. BDSM. vanilla, work, whatever. If you want it to stand strong for the test of time you need a strong foundation. So before you jump into anyone's house of Domination I suggest you make sure there is a solid foundation under it first.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

<snip>i know that some can have a blunt, straightforward, up front attitude<snip>
There is a substantial difference between a "blunt, straightforward, up front attitude" and acting like an idiot who never understood the first concepts of person-to-person interaction.

I am blunt, straightforward and up-front about the fact that I am a Dominant personality, that what works for me in a relationship is sensual and sadistic sexuality, and that one who submits to me can expect welts, bruises, humiliation both public and private, and other such results of being involved with me. I clearly and freely admit that a large portion of the "BDSM community" considers my activities well toward the extreme end of the scale.

I do not, however, expect every submissive/slave to bow down to me, accept my every word as gospel or command, nor even to address me as "Sir" or "Master" - only one who has accepted or is in the process of being collared. If I'm at a play party or other function and a sub/slave asks if I'd like a drink, I thank him/her, and thank him/her again when it is delivered. If I don't know his/her name, I will quite likely do so as follows: "Thank you, sir/ma'am." That is, to me, simple civility and courtesy. I would not, seeing a person I could identify as a sub/slave, imperiously wave them over and demand a drink, even if I were literally dying of thirst. I would ask them if they would get me a drink, if they were not otherwise engaged.

and that some subs get off on that, but for a brand new sub who is new to everything and greener than a pool table-how is she to tell the difference between a blunt Dom who is actually a real Dom and doesnt have bad intentions towards her, and a wanna be Dom who is in reality just some oaf sitting behind his keyboard typing commands because he knows new subs will fall for it? i think its hard for beginners to tell the difference-thats why i think beginners should insist on being talked to at least like a human being.

Why should only beginners insist on being talked to like a human being? Unless someone specifically says that they want to be talked in some other fashion, what other way is there to talk to them, especially on first meeting, whether online or real-life?

once she gets some experience, if she finds she likes that upfront style, fine, but at least she'll have the experience to know whether he's an up front Dom or a Dom wanna be.

I won't quibble further with the "upfront" description - it's merely semantics, though I would describe it more as "assholery."

My question here, though, is how - online - is she (experienced or not) to know "whether he's an up front Dom or a Dom wanna be?" Long-time submissives and Dominants often are fooled by wannabes who have read enough to talk a good game online, when their only real-life experience has been flogging their own sexual organs with their oiled-up hands.

lets not forget that Dom wanna bes can be dangerous even if its just because they really dont know what the fuck theyre doing, whether or not they actually have harmful intentions.

And that is the most important thing any of us who have been in the culture for any time can emphasize to those joining us: that they need to be careful to protect themselves to the fullest extent possible. There are many people out there who think because they've read a few websites and lurked a while in forums such as this that they know what they're doing the first time they pick up a flogger, cane or single-tail. There are others who have picked up enough of the jargon to convince a new submissive to meet them... and their intentions do not involve any acceptable aspect of our culture. News stories of the past few years have shown that many times over.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I don't know it it's normal or not. I don't know where anyone meets an online Dom like this guy. I sure never have.

I do know that anyone who tells me that I am not submissive or not submissive enough or questions who I am, in the manner that this man did, would not be worth my time. He certainly is not someone I would care to know any further. What he lacks in social skills, he makes up for in lack of couth. ahahahahaha (sometimes I really tickle myself.)

And for the record, I agree with PyroDemon and WriterDom.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

There isn't a lot left to say regarding this guy you met.

I would have logged off, hung up, or otherwise told him to sod off at "...from now on you will call me 'Sir', You got it?"

Just because he 'insists' does not make him anything more than what WriterDom said, and this is a clown. One thing I am not is a doormat.

 

[shy slave]

There are many who may think that on-line D/s is not normal however it starts or ends.

I am not one of those, but I did have an on-line master from this site for a few months until I wanted more and r/l.

Your start does sound a little similiar to mine.

I did not have digital camera or knowledge to scan a pic in.
He did send me his pic, and i eventually manged to send him mine.

He did want me to call Him 'Sir' from the begining, which I was happy to do.

he also sent me list of do & don'ts. I was very naive about D/s and did learn a great deal from him.

His style was abrupt and forthright, but if it is on-line (likely to remain that way) and a Dom/Me wants to start as they mean to go on, I did expected that.

It is easy to mi-interpretate what someone means/tone of voice/mindset if you are simply reading their words and you have no visual body language clues to support the text.

I don't envy any Dom?me who is trying to set ground rules in an on-line relationship, particulary if they have little real life experience of being a Dom/Me. I am not inferring that is the case with this Dom, but in my limited experience on-line Dom/mes have less r/l experience than those in r/t relationships.

Lets face it we all have to start somewhere.

Netzach is right
if it's unacceptable to you, it's unacceptable.

That seems to fit every occasion

What is one faceless clown to one person is a perfect Dom to another.

What is civility to one is dull to another.

I confess I have enjoyed reading the responses on 'normal'
I have never figured out 'normal' in vanilla relationships and there is no way I am going to make my poor brain tussle with what is 'normal' in any other sort of relationship!

I know many people who would argue with me if I said I had friends on the net who I have never met not am I likely too. They would be clear that it could not be considered a 'normal' friendship.

*winks at snowy and Grace*

 

[shy slave]

Why is he a "clown"? Some online masters have a blunt style of mastery. It doesn't work for everyone. Nets nails it.

Let us not forget that some subs get wet when they meet a demanding online master like that.

I meant to add..
When I was in on-line relationship I got wet just seeing he had left me a message with a blunt title, and that was before I even opened it

 

[Bandit58]

I was friends with Master here at Lit for a few months before we got closer and decided to meet - He asked me if I had ever played any Master/sub games and I said no, but it had been a fantasy of mine for many years. I knew absolutely nothing about D/s at the time, but I asked Him lots of questions and we did play a little online and the phone a couple of times, to see if I liked the idea.....and the rest is history

He gave me His real name, phone number and address before I gave Him mine. He did not demand I send Him a pic either, but as we got to know each other better I sent Him a couple. I already knew what He looked like because He sometimes uses His real face in His AV.

I don't know if I would have had the courage to consciously look for a Dom online. I guess I got lucky in that my friend became my Love and my Dom in that order......

 

[janisjoplin197888]

There isn't a lot left to say regarding this guy you met.

I would have logged off, hung up, or otherwise told him to sod off at "...from now on you will call me 'Sir', You got it?"

Just because he 'insists' does not make him anything more than what WriterDom said, and this is a clown. One thing I am not is a doormat.

I had that thought shortly after we started chatting. I've read a thred(somewhere under BDSM talk) about being a 'doormat' as opposed to being a 'sub'. I believe this man only wanted the above. Janisj.

 

[janisjoplin197888]

I guess I got lucky in that my friend became my Love and my Dom in that order......

Ty Bandit, that's the way I think it should be. Janisj.

 

[Alice_In_Chains]

sub dom relationships are based on mutal trust and of course most importantly RESPECT! When a dom is dominating a sub's body the sub should feel safe and entrust that the lines of communication are open such as things like 'stop', 'slower' 'faster', 'no not there' etc- you can even have secret code so as not to ruin the moment. Now respect this is what a sub dom couple should discuss- what to do what not to do, what is disrespectful what are 'good' dirty words and what are bad dirty words.

As far as you calling him sir. He initated that far to prematurally. I think that was just his way of saying "I HAvE A SMALL PENIS".

 

[Betticus]

I don't know. I absolutely detest being called sir under any circumstances.

Now, if a woman chooses to call me daddy it's different.

 

[Hajar]

I don't know it it's normal or not. I don't know where anyone meets an online Dom like this guy. I sure never have.

I do know that anyone who tells me that I am not submissive or not submissive enough or questions who I am, in the manner that this man did, would not be worth my time. He certainly is not someone I would care to know any further. What he lacks in social skills, he makes up for in lack of couth. ahahahahaha (sometimes I really tickle myself.)

And for the record, I agree with PyroDemon and WriterDom.

I've come across several doms like this, and this is after the fact that all my info at bdsm sites has my info as collared sub.
I've been told that I can't be a sub, that I'm a switch (true but has nothing to do with it), and that I must be one of those who likes to top from bottom/smart ass sub.
All because I let it been known from the first im, I have a Sir, and when they continued, that I found them disgusting for wanting me to lie or serve some who is not my Sir or that He has not given permission to.

I don't believe in sending pics, numbers cell or home, infact any personal info, until you have kept contact with this person for sometime and have an opportunity to check their info, which good Doms' will willingly give you.
If they are rude that's the reason there are mods on sites.

Submission is a gift not to be given lightly anyone who expects this of you is not worthy to be call Sir or anything other word which denotes respect.

 

[h_i_s]

Him-"Well, you see that right there is exactly what seperates the truely submissives from the curious"

... just another DOMwannaBE who doesn't 'get it'.

AND he is CORRECT! That IS exactly what seperates a true submissive from those who are confused in thinking they must obey someone PRIOR to agreeing to submit to them.

So many think that because they stick the word DOMINANT at the beginning of their name that ALL submissive women are willing to bow down and kiss their feet, and lend pleasure to their every whim. There are so many out there who are confused in thinking a woman should prove her level of true submissiveness when they are so lacking of a clue in what defines a true dominant man.

*** Any true & genuine Dom won't have to TEST a submissive's level of submissiveness ....

A Dom worth serving has the true gift of MAKING a woman WANT to submit. ***

 

[Guest]

*snort*