Is this normal?

[Rockitballs]

My girlfriend and I have been living together for about 2 years, last night we were doing some home reno's. She is a hands on kind of gal so she was right in there with me fixing things.

Anyway, she was having a hell of a time with some electrical work and was getting frustrated. I came over to where she was to see what was up and she started to storm off. I placed my hand on her back and asked what was up then she blindly punched me.

We don't normally fight and if we do it is just an argument, never anything physical. I'm just trying to get some input from other people weather or not this is kind of normal and I'm just overreacting or what? It's not like she lined me up and cracked me in the jaw but the intentions behind the actions confuse me.

 

[Guest]

My girlfriend and I have been living together for about 2 years, last night we were doing some home reno's. She is a hands on kind of gal so she was right in there with me fixing things.

Anyway, she was having a hell of a time with some electrical work and was getting frustrated. I came over to where she was to see what was up and she started to storm off. I placed my hand on her back and asked what was up then she blindly punched me.

We don't normally fight and if we do it is just an argument, never anything physical. I'm just trying to get some input from other people weather or not this is kind of normal and I'm just overreacting or what? It's not like she lined me up and cracked me in the jaw but the intentions behind the actions confuse me.

Did you talk to her afterwards? I'm a very volatile person myself and when I get really really frustrated at something I sometimes lash out at people in a regrettable manner without even meaning to, still I've never punched anyone.

 

[SpecialKay62]

Hmmmm...

NO! no it's not okay to punch someone when you're frustrated. Regardless of the circumstances...you could say: I'm mad as hell, don't touch me right now. But a punch? Even if it was just a swat, I'd say there's trouble in paradise...

 

[infinity706]

I'm not sure it's that bad. Sure, you shouldn't be hitting anyone when you're frustrated, but as long as you're not hitting them that hard, it's not like you're going to hurt anyone. I think we need more details on this punch and the relationship to really say anything.

 

[bambikiller]

Come on, I get pissed at work all the time you don't try and drop some one because of it.
I hope you asked her to explain her self after she cooled down.
I guessing there is something else there.

 

[redtheviking]

If it was a threeway switch i can totally understand her punching you. Short of those goddam things it's totally wrong for her to react like that. Definitely need to talk this one out and get to the bottom of it.

 

[Rockitballs]

?

I don't know what else you want to know. I don't know if there is a lot of trouble in the relationship or not, we seem to get along quite well. No drama, have a lot of fun when we are out and about and we have sex on a daily basis even after two years of living together. But I do agree that this is an odd occurrence, thus I'm branching out to the ever informative forums for advice.

I did tell her that she needs to get better control of her emotions and we had a little talk about hitting. She never did apologize, but she was going out of her way to be nice to me for the rest of the night.

I appreciate everyone's input.

 

[Rockitballs]

If it was a threeway switch i can totally understand her punching you. Short of those goddam things it's totally wrong for her to react like that. Definitely need to talk this one out and get to the bottom of it.

It was a three way switch. I had to fix it afterwords and I can see how she would get frustrated.

 

[redtheviking]

It's really cool she's willing and wants to be involved in the renovation. Sounds like her personality doesn't fit well with needing someone's help. I'm sure you two can work things out.

 

[infinity706]

Since I don't know her, I can't really say. She might be the type that the best answer might actually be to hit her back, though. Just don't hit her hard enough to actually hurt her. I actually have a few friends that hit me when they get mad, even if I had nothing to do with it. I just slap them back and that's the end of it. As long as it's not injuring you, it might just be a good way to calm her down. It's not like there's anything inherently wrong with hitting people with reasonable force. Just ask the BDSM community.

 

[Rockitballs]

Maybe I'll take the optimistic approach and this will open up some new doors for us into a world of BDSM...

Thanks for the input everyone, I think I'm going to let this slide. If she laces into me tonight when I get home from work then maybe my mind will change but for now I just wanted to see if this was normal. I guess it isn't, but neither are the two of us so it works out well.

 

[sparc101]

It was a three way switch. I had to fix it afterwords and I can see how she would get frustrated.

three ways can be a bit troublesome. Maybe you should have turned the electricity back on and then have her try to repair it. A little shock might help her....

seriously though... I would just back off, let things calm down, and then later try to discuss the issue(s).

 

[Rayven101]

Just because she is a woman does not give her the right to take her anger out on you in the form of punching you. That is a lack of respect for you. You need to set boundries, no one should ever hit in anger or frustration. A conversation needs to happen. If it happens once it will happen again. Trust me - I have been in a very violent relationship. The first time it happened it was just like yours....and in the end I was lucky to walk out with my life.

Good luck!
Rayven

 

[SweetErika]

Since I don't know her, I can't really say. She might be the type that the best answer might actually be to hit her back, though. Just don't hit her hard enough to actually hurt her. I actually have a few friends that hit me when they get mad, even if I had nothing to do with it. I just slap them back and that's the end of it. As long as it's not injuring you, it might just be a good way to calm her down. It's not like there's anything inherently wrong with hitting people with reasonable force. Just ask the BDSM community.

This is one of the more idiotic things I've heard someone say here.

Hitting without consent isn't BDSM or kinky in any way, it's just plain abuse. And the answer certainly isn't to hit the person back.

Rockitballs, did your gf say she was wrong and promise not to do it again or anything? If not, you probably need to talk about it some more, and maybe even get some counseling. She might benefit from an anger management class or individual therapy. Think very carefully about letting it slide, especially if you two might have kids down the road.

 

[infinity706]

This is one of the more idiotic things I've heard someone say here.

Hitting without consent isn't BDSM or kinky in any way, it's just plain abuse. And the answer certainly isn't to hit the person back.

Rockitballs, did your gf say she was wrong and promise not to do it again or anything? If not, you probably need to talk about it some more, and maybe even get some counseling. She might benefit from an anger management class or individual therapy. Think very carefully about letting it slide, especially if you two might have kids down the road.

I didn't say it was BDSM, kinky, or works for every relationship. I don't personally know the people in question, so I don't have any idea whether it would work well for them. It's not like there can't be implicit consent to things, though, or varying intentions. I couldn't say whether anger managment would be appropriate, but sometimes hitting them back works fine for the people involved. It is between friends and it's not like people have to be politically correct 24 hours a day.

As for the kids thing, though, that's another thing entirely. I'd still consider it on a case by case basis, though. It's not like blanket statements ever work with people and most of the research is far less precise than I'd do and often activist funded. When you do research, you should be trying to control for variables as well as possible even if it would be unethical to run a true experiment.

 

[cowslinger64]

Hitting without consent isn't BDSM or kinky in any way, it's just plain abuse. And the answer certainly isn't to hit the person back.
================

I agree totally.

I never tolerate a woman hitting me like that, and I would never consider hitting her. That sort of abuse has NO place in any relationship. IMO, her hitting me, coupled with the fact that she didn't apologize would be a HUGE red flag.

Without knowing all the details, as many are usually left out, I'd be looking for her a way out to the curb.

 

[SweetErika]

I didn't say it was BDSM, kinky, or works for every relationship. I don't personally know the people in question, so I don't have any idea whether it would work well for them. It's not like there can't be implicit consent to things, though, or varying intentions. I couldn't say whether anger managment would be appropriate, but sometimes hitting them back works fine for the people involved. It is between friends and it's not like people have to be politically correct 24 hours a day.

Your post implied that nonconsensual hitting is okay and even a part of BDSM, in some cases. At least that's how I interpreted it and it seems the OP did as well.

There can be implicit consent to things, but there was no consent to the punch in this case, according to the OP. It sounds like you and your friends consent to hitting each other, which is great if no one feels harmed, but you can't equate that situation to this one (where a guy was punched in anger without consenting).

Abuse has nothing to do with political correctness, and it's never okay to be abusive, regardless of the relationship.

I know you love to argue and disagree with nearly everything just for the sake of being contradictory, but you might want to consider pulling your head out of your ass on this issue before you completely discredit yourself.

 

[infinity706]

Well, you could be a little less hostile. I concede that the OP was punched without consent. What I meant was, maybe there could be consentual hitting in the future for stress relief as long as they're not injuring each other in the process. Afterall, the fact that the other person is entitled to hit you back is a good control for not getting too overly rough. It wouldn't have to be BDSM related or anything. I just brought that up as a reference point because consentual hitting is also a component of BDSM.

I'm also not arguing to be contradictory. I'm simply arguing for a potential solution that's a bit outside the box. So, would you seriously want to argue that consentual hitting would be considered a politically correct solution?

 

[BertrandRussell]

Don't hit back. That would be the second step down a long road with a bad end.

Insist that she never do it again. If she can't agree to that, leave her.

 

[Mr.G]

Sorry

... as an X-cop I don't see the gender differences in this scenario. If SHE posted the same complaint - that in the middle of something you turned around and punched her (don't care how hard) the reaction would be 100% -no, 200% - AGAINST YOU. Why are people so willing to make excuses for her when they would suggest a hangin party for you if the roles were reversed? I don't getit.

First off you need to TALK. I suspect ANOTHER problem that she has mentioned ONCE and you haven't picked up on its importance to her. Women are like that. Communicate and don't take the "Nothing's wrong!" when you ask.

If communication doesn't work there is another solution that might and I say this only have jokingly. If you are the MAN in the family and she gets physical with you there is a posting of a very red-assed lady up above - one of the first responses. You might try that if nothing else works. If she is going to act like a brat - treat her like one. You'll either get arrested (winnable in court likely considering the punch) or she will respect you for not letting her get away with being a brat.
G'luck.

 

[Black_Bunny]

Ok so I'm going to totally put myself in your gf's shoes in order to give my advice:

If I hit you, my reason for it would be because my inability to figure out something that I thought would be simple to you was making me feel stupid. And (partly due to pride) I just wanted to make my own mistakes and figure it out for myself but you had to come over and act like you're better than me and you know more than me, and ruin any potential success I might have (eventually) had.

And the thing that would work for me in resolving this problem, would be if you grabbed my arms/wrists right after I hit you, strongly and perhaps hurting me a little with your grip, but not actually lashing out at me or hitting me, and telling me to never do that again.

Of course, her reasoning for why she did it could be entirely different from why I would do it, and it's too late to resolve it the way I just described. But, I do think you need to have a stern talk to her, understand why she did it, and make sure she understands it must never happen again.

 

[satindesire]

Since I don't know her, I can't really say. She might be the type that the best answer might actually be to hit her back, though. Just don't hit her hard enough to actually hurt her. I actually have a few friends that hit me when they get mad, even if I had nothing to do with it. I just slap them back and that's the end of it. As long as it's not injuring you, it might just be a good way to calm her down. It's not like there's anything inherently wrong with hitting people with reasonable force. Just ask the BDSM community.

Uhhh. No.

Hitting someone without their consent is abuse.

To the OP:

If you were a woman, and you said that your boyfriend punched you, this entire thread would be FULL of foaming-at-the-mouth angry people telling you to call the cops on him for striking you, and to dump him IMMEDIATELY for abusing you.

The fact that she's a woman and you're a man DOES NOT MAKE HER HITTING YOU OKAY. PERIOD.

NO ONE...regardless of what's between their legs, SHOULD EVER HIT ANYONE OUT OF ANGER.

The fact that she's a woman and struck you when she was angry does not excuse her actions. You need to tell her that if she EVER does that....EVER AGAIN...you will walk.

Abuse is not okay. Ever.

I didn't say it was BDSM, kinky, or works for every relationship. I don't personally know the people in question, so I don't have any idea whether it would work well for them. It's not like there can't be implicit consent to things, though, or varying intentions. I couldn't say whether anger managment would be appropriate, but sometimes hitting them back works fine for the people involved. It is between friends and it's not like people have to be politically correct 24 hours a day.

He obviously does have a problem with being hit by his mate, because if he didn't, he wouldn't be asking about it, would he?

The way I see it, you're basically implying that he shouldn't find her abuse a big deal because "some people hit each other without consent and that's okay."

I'm sorry fin, but honestly, you playing devil's advocate like you always enjoy doing just IS NOT appropriate in this thread.

Maybe I'll take the optimistic approach and this will open up some new doors for us into a world of BDSM...

Thanks for the input everyone, I think I'm going to let this slide. If she laces into me tonight when I get home from work then maybe my mind will change but for now I just wanted to see if this was normal. I guess it isn't, but neither are the two of us so it works out well.

No, it's not normal. And you shouldn't 'let it slide'.

She didn't apologize to you. That is a BIG RED FLAG, sweetheart. She hit you out of anger, with no provocation from you whatsoever, and after you directly told her that it upset you, she never apologized.

Why on earth would you even question the normalcy of that?

 

[Rockitballs]

Ok so I'm going to totally put myself in your gf's shoes in order to give my advice:

"If I hit you, my reason for it would be because my inability to figure out something that I thought would be simple to you was making me feel stupid. And (partly due to pride) I just wanted to make my own mistakes and figure it out for myself but you had to come over and act like you're better than me and you know more than me, and ruin any potential success I might have (eventually) had."


This thread has opened up some interesting debate about gender specific violence. One thing I must say about the above quote, if someone comes over to offer advice I don't see how that makes a person think they are better than you. Sometimes when people are struggling with something they tend to overlook the obvious and a fresh set of eyes can help out a lot. It isn't some I'm better than you situation, we operate as a cohesive team. We don't operate by constantly trying to one up the other person, that wouldn't be a healthy relationship.

As far as the hit goes. I talked to her yesterday about it, she has admitted to me it was wrong and offered some reasons for it. None of them are acceptable, but they are understandable. I've known her for 3 years and we have been living together for 2 of them. This is the only time something like this has happened. If that becomes the norm for us then I'm out the door, but I don't think it will become a re-occurring theme.

 

[Rockitballs]

How do I properly quote parts of other peoples quotes? Or is that a topic for a new thread?

 

[satindesire]

How do I properly quote parts of other peoples quotes? Or is that a topic for a new thread?

You should see a little "quote" box on the bottom right of their post.

You can also use HTML coding.

It looks a little like [ quote=(persons' name here);(number of post)] and at the end of their quote it looks like [ /quote ]

You'll have to remove the spaces and parentheses.